Mountebank History of Scotland

James Graham, the Marquis of Montrose, the 'Great Montrose' won a series of brilliant, almost impossible victories over the Covenanters in 1644-45 that is remembered as the 'Year of Miracles'. Such a run of near impossible victories wouldn't be seen again in British history until Leicester won the league in 2016. Montrose fought to make himself 'Master of Scotland' but like Alex Salmond it all came crashing down around him, not because he was 'grabby' or anything, his Royalist cause lost support and unlike Ruth Davidson he didn't have a peerage in the House of Lords to fall back on now he wasn't as popular in Scotland. 

When civil war broke out in England in 1642 both the English Parliamentarians and Royalists petitioned the Scots Covenanters for their support. The Covenanters had the strongest army across all three kingdoms, they had defeated the Royalist forces of Charles I with remarkable ease in the Bishop Wars of 1639/40. The Covenanters may have been miserable bastards but they were also very successful - like Andy Murray.

Charles I tried desperately to assimilate the Scottish Presbyterian kirk with the English Anglican church, when he introduced a new Common Prayer Book to Scotland in 1637 an Edinburgh woman called Jenny Geddes famously reacted by throwing her stool at the Dean of St Giles Cathedral's head - by stool I mean what she was sat on, she wasn't throwing handfuls of shite at the guy. The result of Charles's constant meddling in Scotland's religion was the National Covenant signed at Greyfriars Kirkyard in Edinburgh in February 1638, the Covenant was sent around the country and pretty soon acquired more signatures than is required to send something to the EU post-Brexit

Queen Elizabeth I died in the early hours of the 29th of March 1603 having resolutely refused to name an heir, to marry, or to attempt to conceive an heir. It meant the famed Tudor dynasty came to an end in the hands of a pasty-white, red-headed-leader - just like the end of Celtic’s dynasty, except where Elizabeth refused to be pumped Neil Lennon was quite happy to get pumped every other weekend. Elizabeth’s death meant James inherited her throne and became James VI of Scotland and James I of England and Ireland, the first monarch to rule over the entire British Isles.

James obsession with sorcery, witchcraft, and satanism would lead to thousands of innocent, predominantly women, being tried, tortured, and executed as witches. Thousands suffered because of one man's obsession, one insipid, sweaty, balding, misogynistic, xenophobic, orange, small-handed, pussy-grabbing, prick of a king - but it's very difficult to put in any kind of 21st century context

James was given a vigorous education as a child, he was being raised to be an 'Exemplary Protestant Leader' - which is what Arlene Foster has printed on her business cards. James was a child genius and probably the most intelligent world leader until Donald Trump, and like Donald Trump he too was in love with a family member, not his daughter but a Stuart cousin Esme Stuart. Esme Stuart was a dashing Frenchman in his 30's and James a 13-year-old boy king, it was an age gap even Rod Stewart would have found inappropriate

Mary was beheaded at Fotheringhay Castle in Northamptonshire on the 8th of February 1587. The English went and beheaded our queen, and since they got to behead our queen it's only fair we should get to behead their's - head for a head and all that. Mary was found guilty of 'imagining diverse matters tending to the death and destruction of the queen of England', if they executed Mary for 'imagining' the queen's death then Meghan Markle is in real bother.....

By the time of Mary’s ‘escape’ to England in May 1568 both her mother and father were dead, she had two dead husbands, she ruled over a country that had changed its religious and political structures overnight, was berated by angry Protestants, put down a rebellion by her brother, witnessed the horrific murder of her secretary, was imprisoned and escaped, won back her kingdom, married the man responsible for killing her husband, was kidnapped, sexually assaulted, imprisoned, miscarried twins, abdicated her throne, escaped again, almost won her kingdom back, then fled to an English relative who had her locked up and murdered – she was like every Eastenders Christmas special rolled into one

Mary's second husband Lord Henry Darnley was a vindictive, alcoholic, spiteful, womanising, pig-f*cker he had all the necessary attributes to become Prime Minister but it also meant he had a lot of enemies. There were plenty in the Scottish nobility with motive to want Darnley dead, his murder in the Scottish Gunpowder Plot in February 1567 is Scottish history's biggest 'who dunnit?' 

*note to English listeners, when we do a gunpowder plot here in Scotland we make sure the guy actually dies

John Knox was Scotland's most miserable man before Sir Andy Murray. He was a middle-aged, extreme-Protestant, who despised the charismatic female ruler of Scotland - like your uncle on Facebook - and was one of the leading figures in the 'Reformation'. We were always destined to be Protestants in Scotland, Scottish people will choose 'grey misery' over 'over-the-top showiness' every time. The reformation meant that when Mary returned to Scotland in 1561 she did so as a Catholic Queen in charge of a newly Protestant country.