You may or may not be interested in knowing facts. Facts may seem to be an affront to your belief system. For example, the belief that you can spend all of a Sunday with your best chums while leaving your lady to pine. The facts tell you that ladies need attention, flowers, and metal. If facts are ignored, consequences are had.

There are no facts in this episode of The Mustache Rangers.

The Mustache Rangers are pushing, unwillingly, into action today! Can you resist the promise of thrills and spills and pills and drills and fraudulent wills and whiskey stills and an angry Mike Mills? We did not think so. Our suggestion is to give in to your desires. Let them control you. Simply make certain that your desires are not to murder the queen of America. That is an unacceptable desire.

It is eternally springtime in space, which means it is always time to redecorate. Sadly, there are no antique shops in space. An old wagon wheel made into a dart board would be perfect for the room of recreation. What are the Mustache Rangers to do? Listen to this week’s podcast and find out!

The Mustache Rangers have travel far and wide, but never in their 700 years have they come upon something so utterly shocking! Something that makes you want to call up your best girl and marry her, have two kids, and then fall asleep with a bottle of booze in each hand for the next fifty years. Will you be able to handle what the Mustache Rangers have ordered for today’s course of adventure?

When we last left our heroic Mustache Rangers, they had just landed on the planet of Bluton. What historical and/or hideous aliens will the Rangers find on the famous red planet of Bluton? Hold on one second. Wouldn’t the Mustache Rangers be the aliens on a strange new planet? The answer is no. The Mustache Rangers own all planets. Never forget.

Birthdays occur, even in space. You can not hide from them. They will always find you. There is nothing to do but give up and try to enjoy them. Unless you are a Mustache Ranger, as they can never give up. Under penalty of death. Although that would put an end to birthdays. This is a sticky situation, is it not?

The Great Mustache demands very little. When it does demand, it is very specific. We invite you to enjoy a true rarity. A simple glimpse of the Mustache Rangers Code of Conduct. Will you prove yourself worthy of service in the Mustache Rangers or will go run screaming in the opposite direction. Hide in your hooch hole, coward! You are no proper Ranger!

Featured in this week’s episode is the introduction to Computer, the ship’s computer. Stay tuned after the episode for a glimpse at the abrupt genesis of the character. It’ll be fun.

Stranded! Alone on an unfamiliar planet, the Mustache Rangers must search the barren wasteland for rocket fuel, food, and anything worth claiming for America! Chin up, Rangers. Nothing is hopeless except for those freeloading hobos. America is about hard work, gentlemen, not free rides on the freedom rails!

Everybody needs love and admiration, even the mustachioed men of the Mustache Rangers. Their skin may be is thick as knives that are thick, but their insides are made up of Horsehoof brand Gelatin Dessert like everybody else. Will hugging be the order of business for the Mustache Rangers today? You must tune in to find out!

Things are stirred up when the Mustache Rangers receive a message from Mustache Rangers Central Command! It looks as if they are being sent directly into a sun! Will the Mustache Ranger’s first podcast be their last? There is only one way to find out! Pick up your ears and listen!