My Heartsongs

Perhaps a major lesson of aging is learning how to speak our truth firmly, yet kindly, especially to those who would have their own way with us, even till our last breath. And all of this involves acknowledging the losses as they arise. To be an eager student of whatever lesson life seems intent on teaching us at the moment.

Each day we trick ourselves into believing we are immortal. From artists to philosophers, poets to religious figures, many who came before us have used the concept of memento mori—an object or symbol to remind us of our own death and to stimulate thought about this final frontier. This practice can be uplifting, rather than morbid or morose, because it reminds us of life's preciousness.

Physician-assisted death or "aid in dying" is now legal in nine jurisdictions, with one more to be added in 2020. Individuals must have a terminal illness as well as a prognosis of six months or less to live. Physicians cannot be prosecuted for prescribing medications to hasten death. Polls indicate that 68% of Americans favor the possibility, despite ongoing opposition from religious groups. Is this something you might consider?

For me, hospice at home seems an essential element in having a good death. Not judging, just trying to understand why anyone – if they can possibly avoid it – would want to die in the hospital, connected to tubes and lines and monitors with little quality of life.

Hunting is not for everyone, but each of us can access what the Objiwa peoples call ototeman the mystical connection between humans and other living creatures. It is always worth the effort to forge such a bond. To do so we have to go into their territory, where wild animals live, play and die.

All the bad news – from dying stars to dying oceans – can really beat me down, leaving me feeling powerless and beyond redemption. So staying in my circle of influence, what is possible? As a scientist recently noted at a local public lecture, the Earth doesn’t care and will survive just fine—with or without humans.

Is the alpha male image worthy of our attention? Do we really aspire to its qualities, and what might we choose instead? Recent research suggests that our previous conceptions about such elevated primate status needs some clarification.

For me surrender always involves a triad where I let go, feel the loss, and embrace acceptance. When we truly surrender we invite communion with the Greek concept of Kairos, best translated as right timing. We learn to rely upon and honor that part of us that always knows when to act, and when to wait.

We examine more ways to foster intimacy: a love flash signal, discovering your partner’s primary love language, affirming when they do change in ways we like, staying in touch with our own needs, facing our fears and taking time and space to grieve what is not working in the relationship.

What tools might we use to feel more comfortable and safe with conflict in intimate relationships? We discuss the importance of neutral observations, responsibility is to be taken not assigned, empathize and connect first, and when I most want to run is when I most need to stay.