My Mind Eats First

"My Upbringing: When Food Became Language"

🎧 In This Episode

We are digging deep into the foundation of everything. In this raw and unfiltered journal entry, we explore the origins of my relationship with food long before I ever understood it as an illness.

Many of us wonder where our behaviors truly begin. Was it a choice? Was it trauma? Or was it simply what was expected? Today, we are unpacking childhood conditioning, cultural norms around weight and health, and the specific moment a mirror changed everything for me.

This isn’t medical advice—it’s a personal map of where I am coming from. If you have ever questioned why food feels so heavy in your life, this exploration might resonate with your own story.

📝 Key Topics Covered

The Cultural Lens: How growing up in Southern Europe shaped our view on "healthy" weight and the expectation for children to be chubby.

Food as Coping: Examining how early family dynamics taught us to use food for comfort, celebration, and silence.

Body Image & Trust: The pivotal moment where self-perception collided with reality. (Hint: Sometimes it wasn’t what we were told about our bodies).

The Search for Meaning: Is this “Upper-Case T” or “Lower-Case t” trauma? Understanding the link between family history and personal triggers.

The Mirror Moment: A specific anecdote that shifted my entire worldview regarding self-worth and validation.

⚠️ Listener Note & Disclaimer

This podcast is a personal audio journal. I am not a doctor, health professional, or therapist. The content shared here contains raw experiences regarding Binge Eating Disorder (BED) and may be considered highly triggering. If these stories compromise your well-being, please turn off the podcast immediately and reach out to a professional who can support you safely.

🔍 Searchable Topics & Keywords

Binge Eating Recovery, Mental Health Journal, Childhood Food Conditioning, Body Image Trauma, Family Dynamics and Eating Disorders, Personal Healing Journey, Cultural Impact on Weight, Lowercase T Trauma, Self-Sabotage in Relationships with Food.

📩 Connect With Me

Email: [email protected]

We’ve been talking about the struggle of recovery, but what happens when the treatment plan itself feels wrong? In this episode, we dive deep into the complex world of professional help. From insurance hurdles to mismatched expectations, this is the raw account of a journey where diagnosis shifted, trust was tested, and cognitive understanding didn’t equal behavioral change.

Is therapy meant to be a partnership or a prescription? Why did moving from group care to individual sessions feel like a step backward? And what happens when a doctor’s conclusion in 30 minutes changes your entire treatment trajectory overnight?

🚨 Content Warning: This episode discusses Binge Eating Disorder (BED), depression, and medication. Please protect your own mental health and turn this off immediately if it compromises your mind. Note: I am not a therapist or doctor.

🔑 What We Discuss in This Episode

The Insurance Reality: Why coverage stopped when the real work began.

Therapy vs. Data-Driven Work: The frustration of navigating emotions without a clear "line number" to fix.

The Diagnosis Shift: Moments where professional labels change (and how it affects patient trust).

Nutritionist vs. Therapist: Comparing the dynamics of an honor-system approach versus traditional therapy.

Why Advice Often Fails: The difference between understanding a solution and actually applying it when your brain is in autopilot.

Self-Medication & Alternatives: What happened when books, journaling, and even psychedelics weren’t the answer?

🧠 Key Questions Explored (Listen to find out)

Why did a simple conversation with a psychiatrist completely dismantle my previous therapy?

Is there such thing as "therapy in the gray," or do labels dictate cookie-cutter approaches?

How do you balance listening to your body when professionals tell you that you might not be listening?

Can we ever trust our own hunger signals, or do we have to wait for permission from an expert?

🔗 Connect & Resources

If this episode resonates with you, or if you have feedback/questions for my journey, feel free to reach out directly via email at [email protected].

In this episode, the host dives deep into his personal journey with professional therapy following the onset of severe Binge Eating Disorder (BED) during the COVID lockdowns. He takes listeners behind the scenes of his experience with a specialized eating disorder organization, detailing the assessment process, group therapy dynamics, one-on-one sessions, and nutritionist interactions. This is an honest account of what it feels like to be a patient—not a therapist—navigating treatment when you feel out of control.

Key Topics Covered:

• Seeking Help During Lockdown: Why the host sought professional help when his BED spiraled out of control, and how he found a specialized organization rather than searching via Google.
• The Assessment Call: A raw look at the invasive phone assessment process during early COVID, including the shock of answering deep personal questions over the phone for the first time.
• Group Therapy Challenges: The experience of being the only man, the only person with BED, and the oldest member (46) in a group therapy session.
• Identifying Feelings: The struggle with the "Feelings Wheel" and the difficulty of articulating emotions when you have never been taught to identify them.
• Cognitive vs. Autopilot: Understanding the difference between intellectually knowing recovery tools (e.g., "pain is inevitable") and actually using them during a binge.
• One-on-One Therapy: A mixed bag of experiences with rotating therapists—one who diagnosed OCD and Depression, and another who was a poor fit ("oil and water").
• Nutritionist Sessions: The frustration of scheduled meal plans, photo evidence requirements, and feeling unheard regarding feelings of disgust and fullness.
• The "Trust" Issue: Why the host felt distanced from medical staff and how that impacted his willingness to continue treatment.

⚠️ Important Listener Disclaimers:

• Not Medical Advice: The host is not a doctor, therapist, or health professional. All opinions are personal perceptions of his own experience.
• Trigger Warning: This episode discusses therapy experiences, eating disorder diagnoses (BED, OCD, Depression), and feelings of disgust regarding food. Please protect your mental health and turn off immediately if this compromises your well-being.
• No Critique: While the host shares frustrations with specific treatment methods, he does not intend to critique therapists or techniques objectively; these are his personal perceptions.
• Diagnoses Mentioned: The host mentions being diagnosed with OCD and Depression during therapy. These are personal disclosures only and should not be taken as medical advice for others.

Episode Summary: In this introductory episode, I set the ground rules for My Mind Eats First, a raw and unfiltered audio journal dedicated to navigating life with Binge Eating Disorder (BED). This is not a therapy session, nor is it medical advice—it is a personal processing tool. I share my journey from a "balanced" life prior to the COVID lockdowns to the spiral of anxiety and bingeing that followed. I explores why I chose podcasting over traditional journaling and therapy, highlighting the unique challenges men face in seeking help for eating disorders.

Key Topics Covered:

• The Disclaimer: Why this is a personal journal and not medical advice (No calories, no weight talk, no specific food recommendations).
• Host Background: A 52-year-old cis male pronouns he/him who has lived with BED since childhood but was only diagnosed ~6 years ago.
• The COVID Trigger: How a previously "balanced" life (10-12 years of stability) unraveled during the lockdowns due to reflection, anxiety, and self-disappointment.
• Treatment History: A look back at group therapy, individual therapy, self-help books, mushrooms, and journaling—and why journaling eventually felt like going in circles.
• Why Podcasting? Exploring the stigma of men sharing feelings and how speaking aloud might help break the loop of internal processing.
• Current Environment: The challenges of working from home, isolation, and an environment conducive to bingeing.
• The "Perfectionism" Struggle: A meta-commentary on recording this episode for the third time to ensure it is "good enough" to share.

⚠️ Important Listener Disclaimers:

• Not Medical Advice: The host is not a doctor, therapist, or health professional. There are no recommendations or advice given in this podcast.
• Trigger Warning: Content may be highly triggering. If this compromises your well-being, please turn off immediately and protect your mental health.
• No Diet Talk: This podcast will not discuss calories, weight, clothing sizes, or specific food items.
• Personal Experience Only: All opinions expressed are the host’s own perceptions of therapy and recovery, not objective critiques of the medical field.

About the Host: A 52-year-old cis male living with Binge Eating Disorder since childhood. He has spent years trying to "figure it out" through nutrition science and lifestyle changes before a major relapse during the pandemic. He is currently navigating recovery independently, using this podcast as a way to articulate his internal experience without the pressure of face-to-face therapy.

Connect With Us:

• Email: [email protected]
• Feedback: If you have thoughts or want to share your own experiences, please reach out via email.