My Queer Life

* As featured in Diva Magazine, Curve Magazine and Mind Body Network

How do you stay relaxed with your loved ones over Christmas?

What do you get when you add the following in to the holiday mix: unsupportive family members, homophobic, transphobic, biphobic and interphobic parents/ siblings and family, taking your partner with you?

The potential of losing it with your loved ones and attempting to get through the holiday season without a family fight.

Here’s Your Survival Guide For Christmas, or any holiday period with your family.

1. Self-care. Look after yourself before, during and after your trip. Exercise, reading, writing, meditation, being social, massage. Whatever self-care looks like for you, do it. And listen, don’t stay sat in one place. Get some fresh air, move about and limit the alcohol.

2. Prepare yourself for any questions that tend to come up at family gatherings. The usual ones: partner, marriage, kids, job. Know how you will respond to these. By doing this you will boost your confidence and reduce the anxiety you may be feeling. Be clear with yourself about how much information you want to divulge. Do you really need to go into that much detail about your current dating situation or sex life with Uncle Bob for instance?

3. Triggers. Stay away from topics of discussion that trigger disputes. You know the ones…

4. What to do WHEN you are triggered. When you are triggered, acknowledge it, breathe into it and feel the emotion. Don’t react or respond in that moment. Simply be. You learn so much about yourself in these moments of vulnerability.

5. Be kind and extend compassion to everyone – more so in those moments where you feel triggered. Instead of reacting, be curious. Coming from a place of curiosity feels totally different than when you come from a place of anger and frustration. Try it.

6. Stay present. Don’t let your mind wander into things that happened in the past or worrying about what the future may hold. Be here, now. Enjoy this moment.

7. If you feel it is getting too much, excuse yourself for 5-10 minutes. Offer to make a hot drink for everyone. Go to the bathroom. Stick your head out of the door and breathe in some fresh air. Offer to do an emergency run for more crisps or napkins. You can never have too many napkins, right?

Embrace these 7 simple principles and ideas and I guarantee a holiday period filled with love, light and laughter.

Happy holidays!

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Join The Authentic Self Online Course

If you want to:

Get rid of that feeling that you aren’t good enough

Let go of your past personal experiences that are holding you back (in work and life)

Stop comparing yourself to other people

Read this: The Authentic Self Online Course to find out more about this life-changing course.

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About Gina Battye

Gina Battye is a world-renowned Authenticity, Psychological Safety and LGBT+ Inclusion Consultant and Trainer for Multinational Corporations, Fortune 500s, TV, Film and the Global Press.

As a media friendly experienced expert, with an acting background, Gina’s work has been featured widely in the media, including:

Sky News, BBC Radio, Forbes, Psychologies, Cosmopolitan.

To find out more about working with Gina on LGBT inclusion in your organisation, click here: https://www.ginabattye.com/ginas-courses

Follow Gina For LGBT Resources

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/ginabattye

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/gina.battye

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Did You Hear Any Of These Messages As A Child?

Go to school and get an education.

Don’t go near the fire!

You can’t have ice-cream unless you eat your greens.

Money doesn’t grow on trees.

Go to the doctors if you feel unwell.

Respect your elders.

You are rubbish at art/maths/spelling.

Success looks like a big house, a spouse, kids, dog, goldfish and white picket fence.

You need to save up for the latest iPhone, Xbox and shiny new laptop.

 

Your Belief System

By the age of around 6-7 years old, your belief system has been formed from what you heard and experienced around you.

Imagine.

You have been hearing those messages from a young age.

Those messages are going to seep into your subconscious mind. They are going to sit there and form what you believe to be true.

As a child, and later as an adult.

What you believe to be true today as an adult is a result of the social conditioning and messages you heard as a young child.

Think about how old you are now.

How many years have you been living your life with the beliefs that were formed when you were 6 years old?

Your life right now (unless you have worked on your beliefs and you have done some inner work) is being lived and experienced based on your 6 year old beliefs.

Your beliefs (which are simply thoughts you keep thinking) create your experience. They affect how you feel, who you are, how you behave and what your experience is of the world.

Unless you are aware of your beliefs and have worked on them, chances are you are living your life through your 6 year old self eyes.

 

Most Common Beliefs

Here are the most common beliefs formed as a result of social conditioning:

I’m worthless.

I’m going to be found out.

I’m unlovable.

I don’t deserve / am not worthy of … (success, love, happiness etc.)

There is something wrong with me.

I’m different (results in comparing yourself to others).

I can’t be my real self or I’ll be judged.

Everything is my fault.

Fear of abandonment/rejection.

I’m a failure.

When you dig deeper into these, they all point to the same thing; there is one belief that underlies all of these.

I’m not good enough.

 

The Masks You Wear and Authenticity

You show up wearing different masks for different environments and situations that you find yourself in. Work, in business, relationships, socially, on the school run – you name it, you have a mask for it.

These masks originate from thought. From how we think.

Let me tell you what I know about thinking.

As soon as your conscious awareness identifies with the content of your thoughts, you start actively thinking. Processing. Making stories and attaching to the thoughts. When you start thinking in this way, you have engaged the ego. That thinking might be in the form of a judgement about yourself, the way you want to present yourself, the pattern of thinking that there is something wrong with you or that you are not good enough.

So what do you do? 

You create a mask to hide the real you.

Because all you want, is to fit in. And to be accepted.

The social conditioning and words you heard as a child, your old belief systems, judgements others have made about you, the criticisms you hear, the labels you carry (lesbian, non-binary, shy, mother, etc) – all of this builds up layer upon layer to form your identity.

Your identity is a culmination of all the things you have ‘acquired’ over the years that hide who you really are.

And now, these layers drive the patterns of thought you have on a day to day basis.

As soon as you identify with thought, you are no longer who you really are and there is a filter of judgement from within. That’s not authentic, it’s not real and all it does is distance you from the real you.

We have around 80,000 thoughts a day. The majority of those are the exact same thoughts that you thought yesterday.

The content of your thoughts limit you throughout the day and distance you from the real, authentic you that is inside.

Why? Because you attach to them. You BELIEVE

* As featured in Diva Magazine, Curve Magazine, Lesbians On The Loose, Thrive Global, Mind Body Network

When someone comes out to you as Transgender – how do you respond?

Here are 3 things to be aware of AND 10 things you can do to support a Trans person – both at work and at home.

Imagine this. You have a colleague at work that asks to speak with you. They have something they want to tell you. Something that you need to know about them. Alone together, they tell you they are transgender and are going to transition.

How do you respond?

Here are 3 things to be aware of.

Firstly, consider all those years they have been dealing with gender dysphoria, confusion, distress, turmoil, trauma of going through the ‘wrong’ puberty, isolation, keeping a secret and pretending to be someone else – so they can be accepted.

Next, bear in mind that coming out is not a thing to be taken lightly. That moment of coming out is a sacred one. This is not a phase they are going through. This is the result of many sleepless nights and years of confusion, turmoil, distress, struggle and anxiety. That moment with you is the culmination of many hours of deliberating the exact words to use, the appropriate timing and potential reactions. When someone ‘officially’ comes out they are not saying those words for the first time. They have practised for months, maybe years, worried about the reaction they might receive.

And finally, they have a million and one thoughts and fears running through their head right now. The fear of being rejected or being accepted and the impact it will have on their relationships (including yours). Fear of violence, prejudice, judgements and discrimination. Anxiety about ‘passing’ and how convincing they will be to others. Fears and concerns about the medical interventions that lie ahead. The frustration of changing legal documents and having to explain to many strangers their situation so they can successfully transition.

How can you support them?

Here are 10 things you can do to support a Trans person – both at work and at home.

Congratulate them and acknowledge their courage. It is a significant moment for them to have a conversation with you about it. Acknowledge that.

Talk to them about it. Find out more about their journey and the path they want to go down for their transition. Every individual’s transition is different.

Ask what their concerns are and how you can support them. Let them know you are there for them and if they want to talk about anything, the door is always open.

If you have any questions, ask them. Ask about pronouns, their name and when they want to start using their choice of pronouns and name. Stay clear of personal, intimate and inappropriate questions.

Be ‘normal’ with them. There is no need to change your behaviour, the way you talk to them or your work-based requests.

If someone has come out to you, that doesn’t mean they are ready to come out to everyone. Don’t ‘out’ them to others or share information they have told you in confidence. Let them be the one to tell who they choose to tell and when they are ready.

Be their ally. Make the effort to educate yourself about trans issues – so your colleague doesn’t have to and so you can be a better ally. If someone is having an inappropriate conversation about them, speak up. If you notice any form of discrimination, report it. If someone is asking them inappropriate questions, tell them.

Relax about same-sex spaces (such as the bathrooms). Welcome them into those areas.

Invite them along to same sex events. That way they won’t have to feel uncomfortable asking if they can come along.

Celebrate with them on international and national transgender holidays, such as International Transgender Day of Visibility (in March).

Remember, coming out and transitioning is a big step for an individual. When transitioning there are lots of decisions to make. This can be stressful for the individual but it can also be very exciting for them

* As featured in Diva Magazine, Curve Magazine, Lesbians On The Loose, Thrive Global, Mind Body Network

When someone comes out to you as being transgender what is the best thing to say and how can you support that person?

After all, the last thing you want to do is cause any offence or upset them in any way.



There are 4 things you might say that can potentially cause offence.

Number One. Never refer to being transgender as ‘a choice.’ Being transgender is not a choice. You wouldn’t choose to live

your life in a way that risked you facing daily abuse, discrimination and prejudice. You wouldn’t choose to undergo gender reassignment surgery and the years of anxiety and distress that arises whilst you await your surgery. Coming out as transgender, transitioning and worrying about ‘passing’ everyday, that isn’t a choice.

Most transgender individuals describe an innate knowing that their gender identity differs from the one they were assigned at birth. Think of it like having a female brain in a male body or vice-versa. They have progressed through their life with people around them expecting them to be and act like a boy/girl, when inside they feel to be a girl/boy. Transgender individuals learn very early on in life to hide the true person they really are so they can fit in and be accepted.

Gender dysphoria causes extreme distress. The Stonewall School Report 2017 highlighted that 48% of transgender people under 26 years old have attempted suicide and 59% have considered doing so. More than four in five trans young people have self-harmed. Being transgender is most definitely not a choice.

Number Two. Don’t use the incorrect pronouns. Rather than worry about saying the wrong thing or avoiding the person to be sure you don’t ‘get it wrong’ – ask them what pronouns to use and when they want to start using them. Share your pronouns too! You can also use gender neutral pronouns (they/them), for instance “I know Gina. They work in Finance.” In the early days, you may make an occasional mistake. Correct yourself and move on. Don’t make a big deal out of it – you will just make it worse.

Number Three. Don’t ask insensitive questions and say something you know will upset the person. If they have come out to you, they have a relationship with you and trust you. Read the situation and consider what may be inappropriate to ask them. Questions about genitals, lower surgery and sexual preferences are definite no-go conversations in the office, maybe ever. Respect that.

Number Four. Don’t ask their previous name. They don’t identify as that gender and won’t appreciate the reminder.

There you go. What NOT to say to a trans person. Hope you found that useful!

 

Need Support With Trans Issues In Your Organisation?

I work with organisations around Trans issues.

How to Support A Trans Co-Worker – tips and strategies to support a transgender co-worker – before, during and after transitioning. This is a one hour workshop for your team/organisation, delivered in-house. £200 + expenses. Email [email protected] with suggested dates for delivery.

Specialist Support: I work with you to support individuals who are/have come out at work, their teams and the HR department during transition (making sure they have policies in place to support etc).

If you would like to chat about the work I do around this and how I can support your organisation, email me: [email protected].

About Gina Battye

Described as “The Best of Louise Hay and Ellen DeGeneres”, Gina Battye is an internationally sought after LGBT authenticity coach, celebrity interviewer, TV Show Host and award-winning LGBT speaker.

Working with clients (both through 121 support and through group training and workshops) Gina, the leading voice for LGBT self help, is on a mission to help more of the LGBT community live their authentic lives.

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Want to know how to be authentic, drop the masks you wear and show up as the real and authentic you in your life?

Here are the 3 Steps To Authenticity

Step 1. Is all about raising your awareness. Raise your awareness of how you currently present yourself to the world.

Step 2. Is all about releasing. Release all the old beliefs, conditioning, patterns and judgements that you internalised over the years.

Step 3. Is all about re-connecting. Reconnect to who you REALLY are, your Authentic and True self, and what you are here to do.

There you go. They are the 3 steps to authenticity. How to be authentic and what to do to show up as the real and authentic you in your life and work.

In my signature authenticity training programme I take you through all 3 of the steps to authenticity in so much depth.

If you’re not a do-it-yourselfer and you are ready to become more authentic in your life and work, check out the Authenticity Training I offer and lets talk about working together!

Full details are here: http://www.ginabattye.com/courses.

About Gina Battye

Described as “The Best of Louise Hay and Ellen DeGeneres”, Gina Battye is an internationally sought after authenticity coach, teacher and award-winning LGBT speaker.

Gina reconnects individuals to their Authentic Self & is the leading voice for LGBT self help.

Through her work as a regular columnist for leading LGBT magazines worldwide and TV show host Gina is advising, mentoring and transforming the lives of thousands of LGBT individuals around the world.

—

Subscribe for more:  Celebrity Interviews |Facebook  |  Instagram  |  YouTube  |  ITunes |  Blog  |  LinkedIn  |  Twitter |

* As featured in Diva Magazine, Curve Magazine, Lesbians On The Loose, Mind Body Network, Thrive Global

We show up wearing different masks for different environments and situations we find ourselves in.

Work, in business, relationships, socially, on the school run – you name it, we have a mask for it.

Authenticity on the school run? Unheard of. In business – rare. Socially? Maybe after a drink or three. Seriously, I can’t think of anywhere where I don’t see people wearing a mask.

We don’t want to look stupid, wrong, like a failure, an imposter or vulnerable in any way. So what do we do? We tweak how we present ourselves to protect, to fit in and to be accepted.

These masks originate from thought. From how we think.

Let me tell you what I know about thinking.

As soon as your conscious awareness identifies with the content of your thoughts, you start actively thinking. Processing. Making stories and attaching to the thoughts. When you start thinking in this way, you have engaged the ego. That thinking might be in the form of a judgement about yourself, the way you want to present yourself, the pattern of thinking that there is something wrong with you or that you are not good enough.

The social conditioning, old belief systems, judgements, the criticisms, labels you carry – all these build up layer upon layer to form your identity. Your identity is a culmination of all the things you have ‘acquired’ over the years that hide who you really are. And now, these layers drive the patterns of thought you have on a day to day basis.

As soon as you identify with thought, you are no longer who you really are and there is a filter of judgement from within. That’s not authentic, it’s not real and all it does is distance you from the real you.

Your thoughts limit you throughout the day and distance you from the real, authentic you that is inside.

When you let go of thought and let it drift off and when you let go of the patterns of your thinking, you reveal who you truly are. Your true personality.

Getting back to the stillness within, that is where the authenticity comes through.

From there you can only communicate truth. There is no possibility for judgement. From there everything is authentic.

Communicate from this still, profound place, for this is who you truly are.

I have noticed over the years that truly authentic people have it all together in terms of their thinking. They are aware of their thinking patterns and how to access the stillness inside and they communicate from their authentic, true self.

Here are 5 signs of a truly authentic person:

They feel at peace within themselves

They are calm, even under difficult circumstances or in demanding situations

They are confident in all areas of their life – it quietly oozes out of their pores

They walk into a room and have an inner power emanating from them – it is so real that others notice it.

Life feels easy and in flow for them. They manifest easily and quickly. No effort. No striving.

Which of these do you recognise in others and which do you see in yourself?

When you drop the masks you wear and let your thoughts drift by (without connecting to them), you access that stillness inside of you.

This is where authenticity lies.

Communicate from this space and you will notice profound differences in all aspects of your life. Trust me.

About Gina Battye

Described as “The Best of Louise Hay and Ellen DeGeneres”, Gina Battye is an internationally sought after authenticity coach, teacher and award-winning LGBT speaker.

Gina reconnects individuals to their Authentic Self & is the leading voice for LGBT self help.

Through her work as a regular columnist for leading LGBT magazines worldwide and TV show host Gina is advising, mentoring and transforming the lives of thousands of LGBT individuals around the world.

—

Subscribe for more: Facebook  |  Instagram  |  YouTube  |  ITunes |  Blog  |  LinkedIn  |  Twitter |

* As featured in Diva Magazine, Curve Magazine, Lesbians On The Loose, Mind Body Network, Thrive Global

It is pretty obvious when someone isn’t being authentic and real with you, right?

I have observed people intensely over the years. I guess you could call me a professional people watcher.

I realised there are 10 signs that all inauthentic people display.

Here’s what I notice in people that aren’t being authentic:

They are protective, defensive, argumentative, judgemental, hostile or aggressive

They strive to please others, push to achieve something or try to stay out of trouble

They lie, embellish or fabricate details of their story to make them look good or better in some way

They don’t say what they think

They try to be someone they are not

They feel out of sorts but don’t know why

Their life, work or finances feel like an uphill struggle. It is as though they are walking through treacle (if you don’t know what treacle is, think thick gooey molasses…)

They don’t know who they are anymore – and want to re-connect to that happy, carefree, fun-loving person that is in there somewhere (trust me, it’s all still there…)

They are not living the life or lifestyle they truly want

They ignore, suppress or disregard their intuition

Do any of those resonate with you? Have you observed these in those closest to you?

Maybe you display one or more of these signs yourself. You certainly wouldn’t be alone.

Stonewall’s research highlights that a quarter of lesbian, gay and bisexual workers are not open to colleagues about their sexual orientation at all.

I have worked first hand with thousands of LGBT individuals all around the world. During my sessions with them, 99% of individuals disclosed to me they are not fully ‘out’ at work. AND of these, 96% disclosed they ‘wore a mask’ to hide the real version of themselves.

If I asked you to be authentic right now, you would show up wearing a mask; a censored version of yourself. A version of yourself that you have honed over the years to fit in and be accepted.

I know a lot about masks. I used to wear a mask to work every day. I was a teacher in an FE college attempting to hide a secret from my colleagues.

I didn’t want to have that whole awkward ‘I am gay’ conversation in a busy staff room over tea and biscuits.

It reached a point where I became exhausted from ‘delivering a performance’ and pretending to be someone else.

The most liberating moment I have ever experienced is when I remembered I haven’t always worn a mask and I made the decision to take it off.

To be authentic is to know who you really are and to express yourself fully in any given moment.

When you take off the mask, you show up as the real and authentic you in all areas of your life.

And that is where the magic happens.

About Gina Battye

Described as “The Best of Louise Hay and Ellen DeGeneres”, Gina Battye is an internationally sought after authenticity coach, teacher and award-winning LGBT speaker.

Gina reconnects individuals to their Authentic Self & is the leading voice for LGBT self help.

Through her work as a regular columnist for leading LGBT magazines worldwide and TV show host Gina is advising, mentoring and transforming the lives of thousands of LGBT individuals around the world.

—

Subscribe for more: Facebook  |  Instagram  |  YouTube  |  ITunes |  Blog  |  LinkedIn  |  Twitter |

* As featured in Lesbians On The Loose, Thrive Global & Mind Body Network

And… The 10 Silent Saboteurs To Being Truly Authentic

Time and time again I hear people say that being authentic is all about being yourself.

I don’t agree with that.



You see, if you were to be yourself right now you would show up wearing a mask; a censored version of yourself.

I used to wear a mask to work every day. I was a teacher in an FE college attempting to hide a secret from my colleagues.

I didn’t want to have that whole awkward ‘I am gay’ conversation in a busy staff room over tea and biscuits. So, I hid who I really was behind a mask. I would put that mask on when I left my bedroom in the morning and wear it all day. It reached a point where I became exhausted from pretending to be someone else and dodging the humiliation of being ‘outed’ at work.

This mask is a way to hide who we are because all we really want is to fit in. To be accepted.

You didn’t always have that mask. Take a moment to think back to your childhood. Playing with your friends on a sunny day; laughing, being silly and having fun. You were carefree with no responsibilities, you were happy and peaceful. No mask.

We reach a point in our development when we become more conscious and start to question the world around us.

We begin to accumulate labels for ourselves: daughter, son, mother, father, gay, straight, trans, boy, girl, non-binary, creative, unlucky, student, shy – you get the idea. When someone asks what we do we are a health worker, hair technician, teacher. We become defined by our labels but this simply adds another layer for us to hide behind.

To be authentic is to know who you really are and to express yourself fully in any given moment.

Here are the 10 silent saboteurs to being truly authentic:

The social conditioning you experience throughout your life

The belief system you adopted in early childhood

The things you fear

The doubts you have (am I good enough?)

Your anxieties

Stress

Your worries

Previous judgements about you

Criticisms

Past hurts you have internalised and suppressed

All of that has built up, layer upon layer and become ingrained into your subconscious.

Those layers form your identity. Your identity is what people see on the outside.

Imagine an onion. When you peel it right back and get to the middle – that is where your Soul is. That is your heart, your essence. That is the real and authentic you.

These layers are built up from childhood conditioning, the beliefs you formed at an early age, the judgements you have received from others, the labels you have ‘collected’ to describe who you are over the years, the masks you wear to protect yourself. AND lots more.

Let’s be clear here. You are NOT your identity.

The authentic you is underneath all of that. The authentic and real you is that peaceful, joyful, creative, loving, passionate soul underneath all of those layers.

To be truly authentic involves stripping back all the layers. One after the other. Peeling them away and releasing them. Strip back the layers and your authentic and true self will shine through.

There you go. Now you know what authenticity is and the 10 silent saboteurs to being truly authentic.

About Gina Battye

Described as “The Best of Louise Hay and Ellen DeGeneres”, Gina Battye is an internationally sought after authenticity coach, teacher and award-winning LGBT speaker.

Gina re-connects individuals to their Authentic Self & is the leading voice for LGBT self help.

Through her work as a regular columnist for leading LGBT magazines worldwide and TV show host Gina is advising, mentoring and transforming the lives of thousands of LGBT individuals around the world.

—

Subscribe for more: Facebook  |  Instagram  |  YouTube  |  ITunes |  Blog  |  LinkedIn  |  Twitter |

* As featured in Lesbians On The Loose, Curve Magazine, Diva Magazine, Mind Body Network

How To Let Go And Surrender 

Surrender? Are you for real? Why would I do that?

That’s like giving up and I haven’t worked as hard as I have for the last 3 years, to just surrender. You’ve got to be kidding me!

I remember when I was teaching a class of ex-offenders. I had this fleeting thought of starting my own business. I had no idea where the thought came from, what my business would be or what I would do but I do remember very strongly that feeling that I had in that moment. Fast forward 9 years and I am packing up my desk, stripping away all traces of my work within education and from the teachers staff room. I had taken a leap of faith and started my own business. Filled with thoughts of freedom, goals all set out for the next year and a rough plan of what I was going to replace (and exceed) my teaching salary, off I went into the sunset.

I had no idea how to be a business woman. It didn’t feel easy to me. I remember looking at my partner and our friends that had their own businesses and thinking, wow they are really good at this. I began to compare my progress in business to other people yet my reality was not working out the same as theirs. It got to the point where all my waking thoughts were focused around strategizing on how I was going to pay my bills this month. I did whatever I could to get clients to sign up to work with me. I wasn’t attracting clients – I was out there running after them, rounding them up and hitting them with the best offer I could. I would offer them the world, I would over provide when they signed up and I found that I was working my ass off to prove that I was worth it (to myself and to them). When I look back I can see there was this whole energy around money of pushing and forcing, struggling and chasing. I was watching and learning from others every day, trying to recreate what I saw them doing. I observed intensely and tried to replicate their results. But those results didn’t come.

There is some doubt from people that your thoughts create your reality. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is the truth. What you think creates an energy, a vibration. In my new venture my thoughts were ones of lack, scarcity and doubt. Those thoughts I was having were creating an energy – a low vibration that people around me were picking up on subconsciously. What was I attracting? Not what I wanted – that’s for sure! I was attracting clients that didn’t have much money – so I would offer them my services at no cost or ridiculously low cost. I was attracting clients that didn’t show up to our scheduled sessions and I was attracting clients that didn’t achieve the results they were hoping for.

I came to realise something really important. I guess I had an epiphany. In those early days, I was a teacher. But I disconnected from that when I packed up all my wares into my little boxes and left the office. I am a teacher. I am here to teach. That is where I come alive. Yet I was striving to be something else. I wanted to be this hugely successful business woman. And right at that moment in time, I was failing at both.

There is something bigger than you. Now, I know what you are thinking. Gina everything is bigger than you, you are tiny! Seriously though… Whether you call that God, the Universe, consciousness – whatever you call it. That thing that is bigger than you, it knows what you are here for and it knows how to access it. It has a bigger plan for you; a plan and a vision that you don’t even know exists right now. Because you live your life from the space of what you know and what you have experienced in the past. When you hold onto these things that you want, you are limiting what you allow into your experience. It’s like you are saying – I only want this one thing and it has to look this certain way and be delivered to me in only this packaging. But this thing that is bigger than you wants you to have

The Truth About Coming Out

* As featured in Lesbians On The Loose, Curve Magazine, Thrive Global & Mind Body Network

This is the truth about coming out as LGBT.

Behind the scenes, warts and all, we explore the real truth behind coming out.

Grab yourself a cuppa and get comfy…

When you are young you explore your identity and develop a sense of who you are. Your identity is almost given to you: through social conditioning from those around us, the messages you hear (and internalise) and the belief system you ‘inherit’ from your care-givers.

My belief system was given to me from a generation and culture that was dominated by cis-gendered and heterosexual individuals. Transgender and non-binary were unheard of when I was growing up. I didn’t even know what being gay was.

So you can imagine the confusion, isolation and separation I felt when I was exploring my sexuality. I denied to myself what I was feeling and what made me feel good (and what didn’t). I refused to put a label on what I was feeling and didn’t look externally for answers. I decided to explore and live for the moment. I thought I knew who I was but it turned out, I really didn’t.

Coming out for that first time, you officially shatter everything: identity, sense of self and what you have projected externally for all those years to your nearest and dearest.

You take a leap of faith in that moment. It is pretty scary not knowing how it will go and what to expect next from the person standing in front of you. It is like being on the biggest rollercoaster you’ve ever experienced, with many hours spent deliberating and working out what to say, with no idea if you will live, or die. I know a bit extreme, but you get the idea…

You would think that when you come out, the struggle would be over. I remember thinking I would finally feel comfortable with myself and feel like part of something again, that the isolation I felt deep within would dissipate. Yet that isn’t the reality at all.

The Struggle Continues

When you come out, you lose all sense of who you thought you were. Imagine – it is like all you have ever known is stripped away from you. The person you once were is no longer. And now you have uttered those words, you can’t turn back.

As you try to piece together some semblance of sense out of all this, you notice the subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) negativity being directed towards you. You internalise it. And now you feel shame, rejection, fear, guilt, separation and even more isolation than you felt before. You think there is something wrong with you, that you are not good enough in some way and realise after a while, you are unable to accept yourself. That’s the last thing you expected when you came out.

Many people experience an identity crisis and struggle to find who they really are. What most people are searching for is that deeper connection to themselves that they felt as a child. Stripping away all those layers of conditioning, old beliefs, hurts, judgements and years of hiding – they are looking to re-connect to their true and authentic self.

Many turn to alcohol and substance use to deal with the underlying mental distress. The mental distress that arises from feeling this disconnection from who you really are, other people’s responses and judgements and being unable to accept yourself. Instead of dealing with the mental distress, many choose to mask those feelings of isolation, rejection, shame, loneliness and sadness.

There comes a time in your life when all your straight friends are settling down into relationships and getting married, having kids and doing the school run. You know the vision; the white picket fence, the beautifully lawned garden and the cute little puppy we are conditioned to think is the definition of relationship success.

You can’t help it; you compare yourself to others. When you evaluate your life and look at your LGBT friends, what do you see? Anxiety issues and feelings of isolation and depression. Substance abuse,