My Space

“Sometimes I feel like modern love is not for me. Sometimes I feel like my mind can’t really comprehend the games, the mixed signals, the low investment and the tests we put each other through to make sure this is not just another heartbreak in disguise.

Sometimes my heart can’t understand the distance. After an amazing first date, after a deep conversation, after a beautiful night. My heart doesn’t operate that way. How could someone pull you so close only to push you away? How could someone have a great time with you and then fall off the radar for weeks?

Sometimes I don’t know how we got here. How commitment is now something to fear, how people are now nothing but tools we use to experiment on, how disposable we’ve become to one other, how we simply walk away without saying a word because we don’t want to go through the hassle of confronting people. We don’t consider their feelings. We don’t put ourselves in their shoes. I don’t know how we’ve become so good at breaking hearts and not apologizing for it.

But sometimes, I hope that the day real love knocks on my door, it will be the most powerful force. It will be the kind of love that withstands the fickleness and flightiness of modern love. The kind of love that feels perfect in an imperfect world.

Sometimes I feel like modern love is not for me but I am certain that I’m not the only one and I’m bound to find that old soul who still wants to love one person forever in sickness and in health. Someone who wants to hold on, in a world where everyone lets go.” –ranianaim

Gabi-gabi ko nalang naririnig ang tila isang boses,

Binabanggit ang ngalan ko ng maraming beses.

Sa t'wing hahakbang ako palapit sa tinig,

Biglang maglalaho hanggang sa 'di ko na ulit marinig.

May isang pagkakataon na siya'y aking nakausap,

Malayo siya sa akin at tila ayaw humarap.

Subalit mababanaag sa bawat pagbigkas ang lungkot at pagsinghap,

Tumatak sa akin ang kanyang linyang "hindi ko na siya mahanap".

Ako'y napabalikwas at naalimpungatan,

Muli ko siyang narinig kaya't sinubukan ko s'yang sulyapan.

Subalit sa aking pagmulat isang salamin ang aking nabungaran,

Nakita ko ang sarili kong nakalutang sa kawalan.

Naluha ako at sobrang kinilabutan,

'Pagkat sa ilang taon na rin akong nakakulong sa sariling kalungkutan.

Nagpalunod sa dilim hanggang sa hindi ko na namalayan,

Na pati sarili ko'y aking pinabayaan at hinayaang ako'y iwanan.

Sarili ko, patawad.

-Sharmaine

~ITO'Y IYONG PAHINGAHAN~

“Letting go doesn’t happen overnight but it takes one day to make that decision. It takes one day to wake up and decide that you’re done with carrying whatever load or burden that keeps weighing you down. It takes one day to wake up and decide you don’t want to feel like this anymore and it’s time to do something about it. It takes one morning to wake up missing who you used to be before all the heaviness.

Letting go doesn’t happen overnight but it takes one incident, one wake up call, one moment to make you question why you’re settling for being stuck when you can be free, why you’ve decided that it’s easier to live with the pain than let it go.

Letting go doesn’t happen overnight but it takes one choice, one simple choice to let go of the things you can’t change or the people you can’t have back or the job you couldn’t get or the person you didn’t end up with. It takes one choice to let go of all the things you wake up remembering that they’re not yours because the truth is, the more you chase the things that aren’t meant for you, the harder it will be to find peace. The more you hold on to the things that didn’t fit into your life, the messier your life will get.

Letting go doesn’t happen overnight but it takes one day to make that decision. One day to suffer and break up with the part of you that doesn’t want to let go out of fear; fear that if you let go, there will be nothing else to hold on to.

It takes one day to say goodbye to that part and start over because if you truly want to embrace new beginnings, new hellos, new people, new opportunities and new adventures you must first let go of everything that stopped you from feeling alive. You must first let go of all the things that made you fearful of the future.

Letting go doesn’t happen overnight but it takes one day to realize that you may have lost important things and important people but you still have yourself and as long as you’re alive, you owe it to yourself to try — to find happiness, to revel in peace and to learn how to lift yourself up by letting go of what knocks you down.” –ranianaim

Madilim ang langit.

Mukhang malungkot na naman ang kalangitan. Ibubuhos na naman niya ang mga luha sa daigdig at kawalan. Unti-unti nang nangingitim at nangangalaiti ang mga ulap. Marahil dahil sa galit o tindi ng emosyon na nararamdaman. Marahas din ang alon sa karagatan at ang pagdampi ng hangin sa mga kabahayan malapit sa dalampasigan.

Walang duda bubuhos na talaga ang ulan.

Dahan-dahang pumapatak ang mga luha ng langit. Lumalakas ang kaniyang hikbi kasabay ang nakakatakot na tunog ng kulog at ang panandaliang gulat mula sa mga kidlat. Habang ibinubuhos ng mundo ang galit at lungkot sa sanlibutan, nanatili ako sa isang sulok malapit sa bintana, hinihipan ang mainit na kape at nag-iisip kung ano kaya ang susunod na mangyayari sa kwentong tinuldukan agad. Hindi pa nga nagsisimula, wakas na ang bubungad sa susunod na pahina. Walang kuwit ang makakapigil sa kagustuhan na umalis at tapusin ang salaysay kaya maguguluhan ka sa kakahanap kung saan ang dulo nito—o makakarating nga ba hanggang sa dulo.

Patuloy pa rin sa pagbuhos ang ulan at ang mga luhang lumalandas sa pisngi ay hinahayaan na lamang. Pinikit ko ng mariin ang mga mata at bumulong sa hangin.

"Sana kasabay nang pagtigil ng ulan ay tumila na rin ang mga luha at ang damdamin ay tumahan. Puhon."

— Yugto | 2021

***

Pagtila ng Luha | 08.09.20

Letting go is a process. You have to pass through step one, step two and step three before you can finally let go someone's very dearly to us. It may be hard, it may be painful. But I know, sooner or later, everything will be alright.

I found this poem over Facebook. Credits to the rightful owner. Sobrang naka-relate ako sa bawat linya ng tulangbtio kaya naisipan kong gawing spoken word.

From : Mica Menez (The Storms Inside my Coffee Cup) We dont have to rush ourselves to move on from something that caused us pain. There's no short cut nor express lanes in moving on. Let us trust the process of healing and realize all the lessons while working on it.