This is your News You do not Need podcast.
There’s news you need to know, and then there’s news you really, really don’t—and today, I’m taking you on a quick trip to the intersection of the bizarre, the delightful, and the unequivocally unnecessary. Today’s headline: a tarot-reading cat has become an internet sensation, and somewhere, your high school guidance counselor just got goosebumps and isn’t sure why.
Meet Cole, a rescue feline who, perhaps dissatisfied by the lack of career opportunities in the traditional “nap on the couch, get petted,” cat sector, chose instead to pursue the mystical arts. Yes, Cole shuffles little tarot cards with shocking dexterity—no opposable thumbs needed—and draws a card to predict the fate of whoever needs to know whether Mercury is making their coffee taste bad or if Pluto is, in fact, the reason you keep losing your keys. Move over, Miss Cleo, there’s a new whiskered oracle in town.
Cole’s owner claims the readings are surprisingly spot-on. Suddenly, thousands of people are lining up online to have their fortunes read by a creature who, until last week, considered laser pointers the height of metaphysical inquiry. If you thought your last reading was questionable, just wait until a cat tells you it’s “The Tower” and then knocks your mug off the counter for dramatic effect.
Of course, not all that’s weird and wonderful this week is so, well, purr-suasive. In Cloquet, Minnesota, residents are experiencing a bout of clown panic—yes, actual clowns. People have reported being chased by costumed harlequins, and, because this is America in 2025, that’s led to rumors of weapon-wielding mischief. The police, perhaps under the unspoken motto “Not Again,” have promised to stay vigilant. So if you’re considering a run to the store in full circus attire, maybe stick to the nose and leave the machete at home.
But clowns and cats are only the appetizer. In Uruguay, surfers fled the waves after spotting a mystery creature, reportedly three feet wide and sporting whale-like sounds with a dash of scales. Biologists are still scratching their heads, surfers are still drying their shorts, and Nessie fans are booking plane tickets just in case.
Now, for those who think fortune telling is a strictly human domain, this week also saw two psychics in Pennsylvania bilking hundreds of thousands out of customers by promising to remove “curses” for a fee. At least Cole the Cat only charges you a like, a share, and maybe a few treats if the Ace of Tuna appears.
So, what have we learned? If a cat reads your future, listen up—but don’t trust it with your bank account. If a clown gives chase, run faster, and if you see an aquatic beast with scales and a sense for the dramatic, it might be time to finally get that gym membership. Curious, unnecessary, and, above all, undeniably bizarre—just another day in news you didn’t know you didn’t need.
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This content was created in partnership and with the help of Artificial Intelligence AI.