This is your News You do not Need podcast.

So, you know how sometimes you stumble upon news that just makes you go, "What?!"? Well, here's one from the past day that fits the bill. It seems a Japanese man managed to exploit a loophole in a food delivery app, and he ended up eating over 1,000 free meals. Yes, you heard that right. This guy essentially got a free pass to enjoy a wide variety of dishes without paying a single yen. It's like he won some bizarre culinary lottery, and we're all just left wondering how he pulled it off.

In other weird news, a recent viral video showed a wild fight breaking out at a Texas fast food joint over a wrong order. It's not uncommon for food mistakes to upset people, but this takes it to a whole new level. The video is both shocking and ridiculous, leaving us to wonder if some people just need a little more chill in their lives.

And if you're feeling adventurous, there's a viral challenge making the rounds where people are trying to spot a squirrel in a forest in under 10 seconds. It's a peculiar way to spend your time, but hey, who knows, you might just find that elusive squirrel. These stories might not be the most important news, but they definitely add some humor and intrigue to our day.

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Did you know that while the rest of the world was catching up on apocalyptic weather reports, political chaos, and a cruise ship replica with a penchant for sinking, the tiny, remote Alaskan town of Kwigillingok became an accidental aquatic theme park? Yes, it’s true—in the last 24 hours, the remnants of Typhoon Halong decided to play real-life Jumanji with the villages of western Alaska, and there went the neighborhood. No kidding: homes didn’t just flood, they floated away. Entire houses in communities ordinarily so isolated they use boardwalks, boats, and snowmobiles as suburban commuters, were lifted off their foundations and carried like rubber ducks down what last week was the main street. If you ever wanted to know if your home was built to code for “ocean drifting,” Alaska just set the gold standard. Residents in Kipnuk and Kwigillingok were pulled into the 21st century’s weather lottery, and the jackpot was “Congratulations! Your house is now at sea!”

One official described the scenario with such composed horror that you almost missed the punchline: nearly 600 people spent the night sheltering in a local school in Kipnuk, while 300 huddled at a counterpart in Kwigillingok, because, as it turns out, the only thing less fun than Monday at school is involuntary Monday at school due to “my house is somewhere in the Bering Sea.” The governor, presumably with the phone in one hand and a surfboard in the other, assured everyone that “help is on the way.” If you listen closely, you can hear 300 Alaskan kids politely inquiring whether help comes with pizza and wifi.

Boardwalks were submerged, roads erased, and even airport runways in Bethel had to be cleared of hurricane debris, transforming flight delays from a minor nuisance to a legitimate excuse: “Sorry boss, a house drifted onto my plane. I’ll be late.” Meanwhile, cautious winds and battered power lines made every moment feel like a deleted scene from The Wizard of Oz, just with more snow boots.

No one in Delaware had houses float away, but the state did feel inspired enough by the Alaskan chaos to activate its own National Guard just in case their rivers took up house surfing as a sport. Meanwhile, North Carolina’s Outer Banks, seasoned veterans of storm drama, just shrugged and posted friendly warnings about “ocean overwash” on their highways, as if high tide now comes with a complimentary car wash and mandatory detour.

If you’re ever stuck for small talk—or really want to out-weird someone’s disaster story at a party—ask if their house has ever floated away, Alaskan style. I guarantee, “my condo once had a slow leak” just isn’t going to cut it anymore.

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So get this – while most of us were just trying to enjoy our weekend, a woman in Portland decided to turn a casual Saturday morning drive into the vehicular equivalent of playing bumper cars at the county fair. At three in the morning, twenty-three-year-old Aaliya Del Torre managed to plow into not one, not two, but three parked cars near Northeast Gleeson and 146th Avenue.

Now, you might be thinking, okay, accidents happen, right? But here's where it gets good. This wasn't just your garden-variety oops-I-misjudged-the-distance situation. Police cited her for driving under the influence and reckless driving, which honestly feels like the automotive equivalent of being told you're bad at Tetris while actively proving you're terrible at Tetris.

The best part? Nobody else got hurt. Just three innocent parked cars, minding their own business, probably dreaming about their next oil change or whatever cars think about when they're off duty, and boom – unwanted demolition derby. Del Torre herself ended up at the hospital with a head injury, which she got treated before police gave her the citations.

I love that the cars were parked. Like, they had one job – just sit there and exist – and somehow they still became casualties. It's almost impressive in its own weird way. These vehicles were essentially the Switzerland of the parking situation, completely neutral, not bothering anyone, and they still got dragged into the chaos.

What makes this peak absurdity is imagining the owners of those three cars waking up Saturday morning, probably planning to run some errands or grab breakfast, and instead discovering their vehicles have been selected as unwilling participants in someone's three a.m. automotive adventure. That's the kind of bizarre news that makes you grateful your biggest problem is probably just figuring out what to have for dinner.

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So there I was, just scrolling through the news like any normal person would on a Friday afternoon, when I came across this absolute gem from India that made me question everything I thought I knew about marital disputes.

Picture this scene: You're at a municipal meeting in India, right? Usually these things are about potholes or streetlights or maybe someone complaining about their neighbor's dog. Pretty standard stuff. But then this guy named Meraj stands up and absolutely blindsides everyone with what might be the most creative excuse for marriage problems in human history.

This man looks the officials dead in the eye and tells them that his wife is trying to murder him. Now you're thinking, okay, that's serious, that's a police matter. But wait, because here's where it gets absolutely bonkers. He doesn't say she's poisoning his food or anything conventional like that. No no no. According to Meraj, his wife has been transforming into a snake at night and trying to bite him while he sleeps.

A snake. At night. His wife. Just shapeshifting like she's in some kind of supernatural thriller.

Can you imagine being the government official who has to write this down in their notes? "Complaint received: Wife transforming into serpent, attempted murder via venomous bite, ongoing issue." I mean, what form do you even use for that?

The best part? While Indian social media absolutely roasted this guy, the officials actually took him seriously and launched an investigation. An actual investigation into whether this man's wife is a nocturnal shapeshifter. I have so many questions. Does she slither under the door? Does she keep her wedding ring on in snake form? Does she transform back before breakfast?

This happened at a public meeting where people usually complain about things like garbage collection schedules, and this guy just casually drops that his spouse is basically an animagus with murderous intent. The sheer audacity of standing up in front of your entire community and saying "My wife is a snake who wants me dead" is honestly kind of impressive in its own weird way.

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You know those news stories that make you go, "Wait, what?" Like the time thieves in Washington stole $1 million worth of craft whiskey from Westland Distillery. It's a conundrum – who knew whiskey could be so valuable? This heist is part of a long line of bizarre recent events. In a lighter vein, a 'very mean squirrel' in California has been sending people to the ER because it's extra peckish. Maybe it's just prepping for the apocalypse with all that aggression.

Meanwhile, in Japan, bear encounters are on the rise as they forage for food in towns, and you might think, "Why not just order takeout?" But seriously, these bears are getting bold. And if you're wondering about the weird and wonderful, a video of a lineman getting electrocuted while repairing a wire has gone viral, which is just a reminder to always be careful with electricity.

Lastly, who needs a regular party when you can have a viral birthday bash like Isela Anahí Santiago Morales' 15th birthday? It started empty but ended up as an all-night stadium bash – talk about a birthday to remember So, there you have it – a mix of thievery, woodland creatures, and viral parties. Just another day on the internet, folks

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So there I was, scrolling through the news yesterday when I stumbled upon something that made me question humanity's collective decision-making skills. Apparently, a Chinese woman in her quest to cure lower back pain decided that swallowing eight live frogs was the logical medical solution. Yes, you heard that right - eight live frogs, down the hatch, like some sort of amphibian smoothie gone horribly wrong.

Now, I've heard of unconventional treatments before. Hot stone massage, acupuncture, even those little fish that nibble your feet. But live frogs? That's taking traditional medicine to a whole new level of commitment. I imagine her thought process went something like this: my back hurts, I've tried everything, time to become a human lily pad.

The story gets better though. After her frog feast, things didn't go according to plan. Shocking, I know. Who could have predicted that consuming live amphibians might lead to complications? The woman ended up in the hospital, probably explaining to very confused doctors why she was making croaking sounds.

This reminds me of that time my cousin tried to cure his headache by standing on his head for an hour. At least he didn't involve any wildlife in his questionable medical decisions. I wonder if the frogs had any say in this arrangement, or if they were just going about their froggy business when suddenly they became part of someone's wellness routine.

The best part is that somewhere out there, someone heard this story and thought, hmm, maybe I should try six frogs instead. Because apparently, eight was clearly overkill. Meanwhile, chiropractors everywhere are probably updating their websites with disclaimers like please do not consume pond life before your appointment.

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So, here’s something that absolutely nobody needs to know—but since you’re here, let’s jump right in.

Imagine waking up and thinking, “Today’s the day I’ll be stuck in a tree for hours after falling out of the sky.” That’s exactly what happened to one unfortunate soul in Tennessee, who signed up for a tandem skydive, probably imagining stunning views and an epic selfie. Instead, the adventure turned into the real-life version of “Extreme Hide-and-Seek: Gravity Edition.” During the jump, the instructor and the skydiver separated mid-air—definitely not standard procedure—and while the instructor tragically didn’t survive, the “adventurer” landed in a tree like a very confused squirrel. There, for literal hours, he hung, perhaps pondering his decisions, while rescue teams figured out which arborist had the right chainsaw for the occasion. Honestly, when the FAA looks at incidents like this, I hope their paperwork has “Did the survivor meet any friendly squirrels?” as a checkbox.

If you think that’s odd, how about hundreds of people gazing up at the sky in Albuquerque, New Mexico this morning—not because of a UFO, not even a freak weather balloon, but because of the annual International Balloon Fiesta, a festival where hundreds of balloons in every imaginable shape and color launch at once. The sky looked like someone hit “shuffle” on a giant box of crayons. I bet half the population spent the day looking for secret messages or maybe a stray unicorn balloon trying to ask for directions home.

Meanwhile, in Indianapolis—home of racing cars and apparently high-stakes alleyway disputes—former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez got into a midnight scuffle with a 69-year-old box truck driver. The altercation escalated from “please move your vehicle” to a full-on pepper spray and stabbing sequence, ending with Sanchez hospitalized and reportedly facing charges including public intoxication and unlawful entry of a motor vehicle. For once, being tackled wasn’t the best outcome, and the box truck driver probably just wanted to be left alone to finish his crossword.

Somewhere in South Carolina, a judge’s supposed beach house went up in flames. No word yet on the cause, but three people are in the hospital, proving once again that nothing good comes from combining sand, surf, and the American judicial system after dark.

Elsewhere in the world, a blizzard on Mount Everest trapped more than a thousand people at sixteen thousand feet. If you’re wondering why so many folks were up there at once, let’s just say nothing brings out community spirit quite like being trapped together in the world’s highest snowpocalypse. Between frantic rescue teams digging through 16,000 feet of cold despair and climbers probably regretting their “find yourself at base camp” memoir plans, it’s the mountain equivalent of “Why is the WiFi down?”

So, to sum up: today involves a guy rescued from a tree (ten points for style), balloon enthusiasts with serious neck cramps, an NFL quarterback who should have stuck to football, a burning beach house with legal intrigue, and Everest’s attempt to solve overcrowding with snow dumps.

Absolutely none of this information will help you later in life, unless you’re at a trivia night titled, “Why Humanity Needs Supervision.” But at least now, you can tell your friends, with a totally straight face, that you know what to do if you end up in a tree after your parachute says goodbye.

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Well, let me take you on a short, strange trip through the news you absolutely do not need to know about—and honestly, might wish you could un-know—from the past twenty-four hours. I promise it will be worth your while, mainly because if anything, you’ll have the perfect story for your water cooler, or, if you’re more introverted, for your cat.

So, in the land of cheese—because of course, the weirdest news doesn’t come from, say, the world of professional chess—an entire news segment was devoted to the world’s most expensive cheese. Yes, cheese. The kind you grate on your pasta, except this one is apparently auctioned for sums you could buy a decent used car with, or, if you’re in Manhattan, a broom closet. The makers of this dairy unicorn are artisans so dedicated they practically tuck the cheese in at night and sing it lullabies. We are talking about a cheese aged in a cave in northern Spain, which, let’s be honest, is already a better backstory than most of the people you went to high school with. Nobody actually knows why this cheese is so valuable, except that maybe once you taste it, you’ll instantly win a MacArthur Fellowship and the ability to lick a cactus without consequences. The segment didn’t specify how much it cost, but judging by the hushed tones of the reporter, you’d probably have to mortgage your soul, or at least your Netflix subscription. You don’t need to know this, but now you do, and you’ll never look at a grilled cheese the same way again.

Meanwhile, in Chicago, U.S. Customs and Border Patrol agents were out in the streets for reasons that remain unclear to anyone but the Department of Homeland Security, and honestly, probably not even them. During a protest, one woman was shot by agents after allegedly ramming a law enforcement vehicle and being armed—this is, of course, according to the authorities. The woman drove herself to the hospital, which, if nothing else, demonstrates some impressive multitasking during a very bad day. The protest escalated quickly, with agents reportedly deploying chemical irritants, and onlookers saying it was like trying to picnic at a Breaking Bad convention. The governor, in a fit of inspiration, chose this moment to send in reinforcements, because what better way to prove you’re listening than by doubling down on the chaos? Meanwhile, the mayor of Chicago is just trying to convince everyone that the city is filled with caring and pride, and not with the kind of drama usually reserved for reality TV. You don’t need to know this, but now you do, and you’ll never look at Chicago-style pizza without wondering if your deliver guy is actually an undercover agent.

Speaking of things you didn’t know you needed, Snapchat—yes, Snapchat, the app you probably forgot you still have on your phone—announced that starting now, if you want to keep saving your memories (or as most people use it, blurry photos of your chin), you have to pay every month. This is apparently because even though the internet is infinite, storing your selfie with a dog filter is not. For those who have already flooded Snapchat’s servers with 5GB of memories—which, let’s face it, is mostly just accidental nudes and that one picture of your friend falling off a skateboard from 2017—there’s a 12-month grace period before you’re forced to pony up, because nothing spells romance like a forced ultimatum from your social media platform. You don’t need to know this, but now you do, and you’ll never look at your disappearing messages without a pang of existential dread.

And because the universe is never content with just one punchline, across the American Midwest, it was so hot that Minneapolis hit record temperatures that hadn’t been seen since 1922. That’s right, the kind of heat that usually makes people say things like, “It’s so hot I saw a squirrel eating sunscreen.” Meanwhile, in New Mexico, high winds grounded balloons at the world-famous Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta, so instead of a sky filled with whimsical floating orbs, spectators got to enjoy the static display of nylon inflatables—which, let’s face it, is basically just the world’s fanciest car dealership grand opening. You don’t need to know this, but now you do, and you’ll never look at a hot air balloon without wondering if it’s about to start selling you a used minivan.

In the end, the lesson here is simple: the news is a swirling vortex of things you never needed to know, probably shouldn’t know, and will spend the next week trying to forget. But at least now, armed with tales of luxury cheese, armed Snapchatters, and grounded balloons, you’ll never be at a loss for awkward party conversation. And remember, if anyone ever asks you why you know about $10,000 cheese from a Spanish cave, just smile, shrug, and say, “Podcasts.”

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If you’ve ever dreamed of pulling off the perfect crime, I’m here to tell you you’re already outdone—by a shirtless man in Florida who managed to waltz right into a sheriff’s office and steal...wait for it...the sheriff’s own portrait. Not just the sheriff’s, but he nabbed the pictures of the major and the captain too. It’s the heist literally no one needed, or even thought up, unless you’ve been running low on jailhouse decor and have an affinity for law enforcement mugshots. But, as fate would have it, in true Florida fashion, when deputies tracked him down, the guy was already in jail for stealing something else. So if you’re keeping score, that’s at least two thefts, zero shirts, and one formidable criminal resume featuring the sentence “stole sheriff’s face, twice removed.”

If that’s not quirky enough, let’s zip over to Monrovia, California, where employees at an In-N-Out got a surprise more slithery than extra onions. You know those days when you’re working the drive-thru and a customer leaves their wallet? Imagine instead finding a large python chilling in the lane. The best part? After weeks of local news and chills up everyone’s spine, the python’s owner showed up, scratching his head and admitting he had no idea how it got more than 50 miles from his house, nor what made it crave fries and animal style sauce.

But the wild animal saga doesn’t end there. In Maine, rescue crews were called in for a moose. No, not just to shoo it off the highway—this guy was stuck in a well. The moose, I assume, was hunting for water or pondering existential questions, but either way, it took a carefully executed crane operation to free it from an experience that was clearly...un-wellness.

And for sheer unexpected drama, nothing tops the theft of a four-foot-tall fiberglass dinosaur named Claire, snatched from her perch outside a beloved Brentwood gas station. Local legend, constant selfie magnet, and reportedly, a beacon of prehistoric joy, Claire was sawed off her base by a power-tool-wielding thief, blanketed, and carted away under cover of darkness. Not since the “great T-Rex toilet paper caper” has a piece of town dino-history been in such jeopardy. The hunt is on, with police, children, and amateur paleontologists all on high fossil alert.

There’s more, but truly, if your day’s been derailed by existential dread, just remember—somewhere out there, someone’s wondering if their missing snake ordered a double-double, a moose is giving wells a bad Yelp review, and a Florida man is adding “interior sheriff’s office decorator” to his very unique LinkedIn profile. So next time you think your week’s been weird, ask yourself—did I eat my neighbor’s peacocks, rescue a moose, or walk away from a law enforcement building holding my new favorite mugshot? No? Then you’re probably doing just fine.

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Have you ever wondered what happens when politics and pop culture collide, but not in a way that’s informative, dignified, or even remotely useful to your daily existence? I’ve got a fresh dose of news that virtually nobody needs, and yet, here we are.

So, in a truly bizarre development, the White House decided to host what can only be described as the world’s worst fiesta for Hispanic Heritage Month. Picture this: mariachi music blaring through the press briefing room, sombrero memes ricocheting across social media, and Democrats and Republicans duking it out over who can be the funniest, the cringiest, and, apparently, the loudest. One wonders if foreign diplomats now think our political discourse is sponsored by the Taco Bell happy hour. I mean, political strategy meetings are starting to resemble children’s birthday parties—only with fewer goodie bags and more existential dread.

And right in the middle of this circus, Democratic leaders tried a “Spartacus moment” with a 24-hour shutdown live stream. Apparently, livestreaming government gridlock is the new TikTok dance challenge. The only problem, besides everything about the idea, was that most participants had technical difficulties. Microphones weren’t plugged in, speakers couldn’t hear each other, and at one point, grandma had to pass out gummy pineapple and wasabi white rabbit candies just so people wouldn’t riot. “Is this really going on?” European allies supposedly asked, which is diplomatic code for “Please tell me this is a sitcom and not your actual government.”

Meanwhile, in a plot twist worthy of a surrealist novel, a protest outside a Chicago-area ICE facility turned into an impromptu costume party, thanks to the proliferation of sombreros in memes and people pushing Pineapple-flavored treats. It’s unclear what the actual political message was, but sources say the only thing unified in the room was everyone’s confusion. Over in Congress, Hakeem Jeffries threatened to end the meme war if Democrats helped reopen the government. Standing firm, his counterpart responded with a meme featuring a baby-faced Vance, inadvertently helping the opposition’s message and adding another layer of weirdness to an already fractured narrative.

And speaking of fractured narratives, rumor has it that party elders like Nancy Pelosi are now force-feeding Sleepy Joe at events, just to keep him conscious enough to stumble through debates. The new generation isn’t impressed, so millennials like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez are now negotiating policy like they’re walking a reluctant golden retriever. If you think that metaphor’s stretched, it’s the least contorted thing about this week.

But if you thought the meme wars, candy handouts, and mariachi soundtracks were peak weird, the true cherry on top is the Chicago ICE raid. Agents did a door-to-door sweep and ended up detaining 37 folks, including some American citizens who were rounded up naked and zip-tied, proving once and for all that the government is the ultimate party pooper. One guy, however, double-barred his door and went back to bed, unperturbed by ICE, mariachi music, or candy crises—a man deserving of his own Netflix special, if you ask me.

So, if you’re looking for news you don’t need, but somehow can’t look away from, congratulations—you now know that Congress is struggling with both sound checks and snacks, the White House doubles as a mariachi bar, and somewhere in Chicago, a professional napper reigns supreme. And in case you’re wondering how any of this helps you pay rent, file taxes, or understand the meaning of life, trust me: it absolutely doesn’t. But at least you’ll have a great story for the next time someone asks, “What’s the weirdest thing you’ve heard lately?”

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