Traveling these days is different. I always thought Alex and I would be taking vacations together after investing every penny I had into the family court system. Instead I travel to see his Plaque in the DEA Museum of all the lives lost to fentanyl poisoning. The system steals your joy, your plans and we rarely got to do anything while we were going through failures of the family court system. This trip is special because thousands of families gather and we will march to the White House on Saturday, July 13th praying the President hears our cries and our voices for our lost loved ones. When Alex passed, fentanyl poisonings were about 102 per day. Now it is at over 305 poisonings a day. Fentanyl does not discriminate, it can unfortunately rock your world. This is why I advocate for prevention and harm reduction because I don’t want anyone to experience this pain. Losing Alex, I lost my heart, I know he is with me guiding me along the way with this fire in my heart. While others are celebrating the summer and their families, I am trying to still get justice. Doing everyone’s job gets tiring, it is extremely sad that we all have to join forces this way but for some reason this is the new path that I was given because lord knows how much I love my son. He is the reason I am still here, his life gave me life. I love you son!! See you all in DC !!

Website below for Lost Voices of Fentanyl Information

https://lvof.org/

I had the honor of meeting Damon Martinez who is currently running for office for Bernalillo County District Attorney in Albuquerque, New Mexico. The current prosecutor in office has been giving too many plea deals and not holding criminals accountable for victimizing our community. There is no justice for victims in Albuquerque, and the criminal is treated as the victim speaking from my own personal experience.

Damon made the time to meet with me to hear my concerns about the community and how the fentanyl crisis and property crime damages has personally impacted my life by losing my only son Alex.

Early voting started May 18th and election day is June 4th. We need everyone to vote, when I vote now, I actually look at what the candidates are doing. See links attached to episode for his website and more information.

https://www.damonfordistrictattorney.com/

I went to the Lost Voices of Fentanyl Rally September 2023 and met other parents and family members who have lost a loved one to fentanyl poisoning. Bruce Guthrie had the sadness in his eyes that every parent who has lost a child has. We were waiting in line to do an interview with Real Voices of America when we shared our losses. Cody was only 29 years old and was also Bruce’s only son. He passed away on March 16, 2021. I had the honor of interviewing Bruce to share Cody’s story and bring more awareness to other families who are struggling with the loss of a loved one. He talks about how life has changed and how he has been able to navigate the waves of grief. This father has done a lot in Cody’s memory to raise awareness in his community. This interview was my first interview with a father who has lost a son. I have attached helpful links to this episode including Bruce’s website (https://bruceguthrie.wpenginepowered.com/) and the Hope Movement LLC website (http://www.hopemovementcoalition.com/), which helped Bruce’s family in the worst time of their life navigate the funeral and costs. Bruce is another parent putting his pain into his purpose to stay alive and continue this fight against fentanyl.

During grief your life can go off course and you have to keep your vision in focus because people will try to distract you and tell you to move on and forget about your child. I choose to never forget his memory and educate others of the things I wasn’t aware of before he passed. If his story can save a life I will forever share him. His 19th birthday would have been on April 5th. He was my Angel baby and gave me soo much purpose in life. Losing him I lost myself and I am slowly learning who I am and my new purpose to help our youth. Our youth are our future and we need to support them and help them. I know Alex wore his heart on his sleeve and sadly the friends he had in the end led him to his death. The devil preys on the weak and my son escaped hell on earth and is now safe where no one can ever bully him or hurt him again.

Erase the stigma, New Mexico needs to get rid of the stigma on our youth. Our youth need us more than ever right now. Labeling someone and bullying them to their death is not ok. Our youth go through soo much at school and social media and need more support. It is not ok to start rumors about someone when they miss school. His school was aware why he was out of the hospital for a month and a half. After his funeral, I was told the rumors Alex faced when he went back to school causing the stigma on him to make it harder for him. Being labeled as a drug addict when the students were told he was in a rehabilitation center is not ok as they were shown records of his hospital stay when he was given a pill laced with fentanyl on November 29, 2021. Either way if he was in the hospital from nearly dying, the school could have used that opportunity to talk to the students about fentanyl poisoning and what could happen and how Alex was saved by Narcain. Instead, he was put down, labeled as white trash, labeled for trying drugs. Alex needed a better support system, sadly I shouldn’t have put him in that school and will one day hear back from them on why these rumors were started about my son after he passed. This added more trauma to the pain of losing him to hear everything following his funeral from students that went to the school. The school didn’t do any special tribute to Alex for what would have been his graduation in 2023 and instead told the students not to talk to me anymore. The school still does not allow education about fentanyl poisoning. I pray that the staff learned from his death and are being there for students struggling instead of labeling them and treating them different because of their background due to environmental circumstances of his other parent. Talk about abuse by the systems in place to help your child can be detrimental to their health. If I could turn back time I would have told him he didn’t have to go to school Monday, February 28, 2022. Thank you to everyone who has listened and been by my side.

With February approaching, I feel foggy when these anniversaries approach and unbearable emotions will hit your heart and you fall to the floor as if someone knocked the wind out of you. This will be the 2 year anniversary on February 28, 2024 already. Yes, already almost 2 years but it feels like everyday for me. Alex passed away on February 28th, 2022 and the first year was a blur, soo many people were breathing down my back and didn’t want me to talk about my son or fight for justice.  Then in 2023 I found my voice and started sharing his story. I was secluded for too long and it isn’t healthy to bottle up all your feelings when your grieving. The wrong ones will tell you your crazy and not listen only to avoid their lies being seen.  Everyone thought they knew how I felt and claimed to really care for my son just to find out what is going on and if anyone is going to be arrested.  I have to stay strong and keep my vision on my son and fight for what is right.  At your weakest especially in grief people will kick you down and tell you to give up and to move on. You can never move on, instead you learn how to live with the grief each day through the emotions and pain. You never forget your child and you never stop fighting, this is a national epidemic, people will not understand your pain unfortunately unless they have experience a loss like this. You have to listen to your heart and not people.  The wrong ones will drive you off course from your vision.  Staying strong is the only choice I have right now.

Approaching the new year comes with soo many emotions. Every year, you look forward to a new year and new resolutions. This was the second new years without Alex physically home. I cherish the memories of the new years we did get to spend together. Going into 2024, I never thought my son wouldn't be here. We would talk and laugh about the future on how he was going to be a rapper and I was going to be his momager and we were going to travel the world. He would say, "Mom, when I make it big, I going to buy a big pink mansion and have a house in the back for you too." I would encourage him and say what my dad told me before he passed, "You can do anything you put your mind to. " Even in grief at the weakest, lowest point of your life when you have no energy to get up and go on everyday, you still get up and push through. You learn how to put your pain into purpose. It will be another year lost without him and navigating the milestones he will miss and more painful anniversaries. They say time heals but you learn how to live with the physical and emotional pain that comes with losing your child. Completed Episode uploaded 1/18/24.

The Holidays are very different now. This will be the second Christmas without Alex physically here. The First Christmas without him was soo hard, the second one is even harder. I felt like an alien last year around people who didn't understand my grief. This year I am spending Christmas cherishing memories of Alex and making him a red velvet cake. Holidays were a time that brought our family together, but when the glue of the family is missing, it just isn't the same. Now it is reality that he will never be at the Christmas table for dinner. Holidays weren't the same after my dad died in 2000 until I was blessed with a beautiful babyboy in 2005. I feel robbed of the holidays now and I have to learn to survive the waves of grief again, last year it felt like a dream, his death, now it is a reality everyday he really isn't coming back home. In this episode, I called it Holidaze to share a special memory of Alex last Christmas in our home in 2020 before he was robbed of his future. Holidaze feels like a daze that you just have to learn to survive now.

After the shock wears off and you start to see clearly. You can see the clear picture of everyone. This episode was hard to see the betrayals my son went through just a month before he passed away. His heart was broken and he was lied to at the weakest time of his life. Now his funeral makes more sense as to why there were certain comments made about his death and the guilt that many hold knowing the truth of the night he passed. There were soo many people who knew things and led him to death. Be careful who you trust because the ones you think are your friends will leave you to die when you need them the most. Alex had soo many friends and girls who loved him until after he passed. No one would tell, but a mothers intuition will lead to the truth. Nothing can break the everlasting bond between this mom and son.

After the state of shock and denial wear off. Next is the stage of emotions coming to realization that your loved one is forever physically gone. I still wait for alex to get home but I now know that he will never physically walk through his bedroom door again. It’s hard to learn how to live with all these emotions and talking and advocating really help. Fentanyl Awareness week starts with a movie screening on October 22nd, then workshops from the 23rd to 30th of October with topics from addiction in families, trauma & healing, and more. There will be a Fentanyl Awareness candlelight vigil on October 29th. Please listen for all details for events KeepNMAlive is hosting to bring our community together and stop the stigma. Fentanyl Poisoning can happen to anyone. Let’s educate and save our future together.