No More Dead Dads

Our guest today, Kevin Schaefer has done an incredible amount of research about fatherhood in particular, how fathers in Canada compare to fathers in the US and what policies encourage or discourage a father's involvement and availability in the home in each country.

He's an associate professor in the department of sociology at Brigham Young University. He's had over 40 peer reviewed articles. That's how I got in touch with him is I read one of his articles about childhood trauma and just was absolutely touched by the stories there. He has a book coming out called, So Close, Yet So Far how Canadian and American fathers differ and why.

In this episode he shares his research and what we can do to help influence policies to increase fatherhood engagement - in particular paid fatherly leave in America.

Show notes:

https://kevinshafer.org/

https://rightawaydad.com

https://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/canadian-dads-more-involved-than-american-dads/

https://phys.org/news/2021-07-canadian-dads-involved-kids-american.html

Music by DJ Quads

Have you ever had a moment with your kids without any distractions and just sat there in silence because you didn’t know what to say or ask them? These are great opportunities that are unfortunately pretty rare nowadays. But in this episode, we’re going to talk about one thing - an easy routine - that can have a huge impact on your relationship with your kids and give you incredible insight into yourself. It will make those distraction-less opportunities more common and help you know what to say.

Show notes:
 
https://rightawaydad.com/dad-interviews-the-easiest-way-to-build-a-strong-relationship-with-your-kids/

Music by DJ Quads

We’ve got Andy Rahden on the show today. He’s the CEO of a children’s supplemental education company, Shmoop - which is actually a Yiddish term that means to gain progress in or move forward. He’s an engineer by training and has a great career in tech, design, and education. He talks about what he’s seeing at founder and CEO of Shmoop as well as the state of education today.  

Our three do or die takeaways for dads covered in this episode are: 

1. Be careful labelling your child, especially around school related things like grades and test scores. Avoid as much as possible saying things like, “Jacob is my smart kid, he does really well in school.” or “Jane got a high score on her test, she’s an A+ student.” Focus on outcomes and behavior, not labeling your kids.  
2. Learn how to ask good questions to your kids. Andy’s Shmoop Heartbeat product randomizes through hundreds of questions to get a pulse on a child’s current state of being. As dads, we need to get comfortable asking questions. If nothing else, just ask “Why?” Kids are amazing at asking that simple but powerful question, we can be too. Dads too often fail ignorantly by asking passive questions like, “You good?” while we hold a thumbs up and hope our child just says “Good” so we can move on. Instead ask more open ended questions like, “How are you?” wait for them to reply, then ask “Why do you feel that way?” - that’s a good way to start. 
3. Be intentional with the time you have. Andy shared how limited his time can be as a CEO and on several boards. Being intentional and maximizing the time you do have is hugely important, almost as much as increasing the amount of time you have with your children. 

Show notes:

https://www.shmoop.com/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/andyrahden/

Music by DJ Quads

Autism is a gift. The CDC estimates 1 in 54 kids are blessed to be on the autistic spectrum. That's the mindset parents with autistic kiddos usually come to, but it can real struggle to feel that way all the time. Unfortunately, it can take years to reach an official diagnosis and start behavior training and receive assistance to help a child's development and overall quality of life. That's where Jonathan Mueller and his team at Ascend Behavior Partners come in.  

Jonathan is the founding owner and Co-CEO of Ascend Behavior Partners, which is an organization that works with children and families living with autism.  He's the father of 3 kids and is not afraid to let his daughters paint his nails. In fact, first time I met Jonathan I noticed he had red candy apple painted fingernails. Legit. 

Today we’re going to talk about raising children with autism. There’s not one type of autism that is the same, but rather there are many subtypes of autism and each person with autism can have unique strengths and challenges. The development of autism is affected by genetic and environmental influences. And often autism isn’t the only condition families face but frequently is accompanied with medical issues such as GI disorders, seizures and sleep challenges. But despite these challenges, any dad I’ve met with an autistic child says how blessed they are because of, not in spite of, their child’s condition. 

Jonathan explains applied behavior analysis and how it works. He also shares what each parent with a child blessed with autism should know and what others can do to support. 

If you have a child with autism or have someone close to you who does, check out the amazing work Jonathan is doing. 

Show notes:

• https://www.ascendbehavior.com/
• Jonathan on LinkedIn
• M Chat test

Music by DJ Quads

What is your normal? How do you adjust to a new normals as your family grows or faces unexpected trials? Russel's story is all about thriving in new normals. 

You may not know Russel, but you’ll know parts of his story if you’ve seen the movie, Wonder that came out in 2017 starring Julia Roberts and Owen Wilson. Or read the book Wonder that the movie was based on by RJ Palacio. It's about a boy born with Treacher Collins Syndrome (TCS) and his family. 

Russel is the real dad of that family. He and his wife Magda have been interviewed over the years by many publications about their uplifting and inspiring story. Magda and Nathaniel, Russel's son with TCS, have each written their own books about this concept of being normal. We’ll link to those in the show notes. What is normal? 

And that’s what we’re going to discuss today. Finding or creating Your Family's Normal. Normal is different for each family, and that’s ok. It's up to you to define and create what “normal” means for you. Russel and his family have defined and redefined what normal is for them because of the journey they’re on, not in spite of it. You can too. 

Today’s 3 takeaways or Do or Dies are these:

1. Russel talks about the practice and benefit of compartmentalization. For example, having to interview for a job in the hospital lobby while his son was undergoing a major 16 hour surgery. Stress and emotions were high. Compartmentalization is a skill to help you focus on what’s most needed at any given moment. 
2. For families with special needs, well in truth anyone because our life can change in an instant, try to find a career or company that has your family’s well-being as an integral part of their corporate culture. Russel shares an inspiring story about true leadership the support he received as a brand new employee when Nathaniel was born and he was running back and forth to the hospital before work, during lunch, and right after work. 
3. Russel has 2 sons each with unique capabilities and needs. He shares about the wrestle as a dad to meet the physical and medical needs of his oldest son Nathaniel while not drifting away from his youngest son, Jacob. And on top of that supporting his wife who had stage 4 Hodgkin's lymphoma. He talks about what was more challenging to navigate - the physically brutal medical needs of a child, or the mental and emotional struggles of a child. 

I felt totally inspired by my conversation with Russel. Like he’s just a good down to earth guy. One of the best and you’ll love hearing from him. Let’s bring him in. 

Show Notes

• Nathaniel's Book: Normal: One Kid's Extraordinary Journey
• Magda's Book: Normal:  A Mother and Her Beautiful Son
• Wonder by RJ Palacio
• Wonder the Movie with Julia Roberts, Owen Wilson released in 2017
• Children's Craniofacial Association: https://ccakids.org/
• Russel's contact info:
  • [email protected]
  • Russel on LinkedIn
  • @tcsdad on Instagram

Get involved with NMDD by filling out this form: 
https://forms.gle/AsLqXDvCCAuXDqAA6

Music It's Near by DJ Quads

93% of high school athletes don't play sports in college—mostly because they were never asked if they wanted to.  Too many dads simply don't know how to prepare their kids for college sports or they get started too late and the options available to their student-athlete suffer as a result. Beyond that, some parents and their student-athletes think they're at a disadvantage because of where they live or their lack of access to sport camps, expensive gyms, and tournaments. That's just not true anymore, thanks to today's guest KC Chhipwadia.

KC is a former NASA engineer and US Navy officer. He started Athlete Foundry to help parents and student-athletes track, build, and communicate their value to collegiate coaches regardless of zip code. 

Athlete Foundry, is a veteran-owned, veteran-led EdTech company that provides parents of student athletes in 6th-12th grade (regardless of zip code) a roadmap to build their most comprehensive athumademic resume (that’s combining athletic + human + academic) to improve odds of becoming collegiate athlete, receiving financial assistance and be successful in life after sports. They do it fully online, all year round.

This tech is for devoted parents and their driven middle & high school student athlete. It's a significant competitive advantage. 

I wanted to bring him on the show because as dads we often have aspirations for our kids in sports and college and their athletic development and prowess. He’s got a ton experience in this area of helping parents help their student athlete but also the inequities in society and how we can each be part of the solution. 

The 3 "Do or Dies" from this episode are:

1. Too many parents wait until their child is in 10th or 11th grade to get serious about collegiate athletics. That sells their kids short. Athlete Foundry has a roadmap that dramatically increases your child’s chances of competing at the collegiate level and it starts in 6th grade with small manageable things totally in your control.
2. For young kids, it’s important to give them a variety of sports and mobile experiences so they can pick a few. Collegiate coaches value a multi-sport athlete. 
3. You don’t need extra money and resources to help prepare your kid for collegiate-level sports. Some parents feel discouraged because they aren’t flying all over the country to competitions and meets. Starting early to help develop in your and your child the basic and manageable tactics of a disciplined-athletic life will help prepare our kids to be a successful athlete and for life after sports. You are 100% in control of owning the roadmap, not the coaches, not the special competitions, not athletic advisors. 

More about KC
KC worked 20 years as a senior human space flight engineer at NASA, supporting over 50 Space Shuttle missions, including the Space Shuttle Columbia accident investigation in 2003. He’s also served over 20 years, active & reserve combined, in the US Navy as a Surface Warfare Officer, including deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan.

Show Notes

• www.athletefoundry.com
• KC on LinkedIn or email at [email protected]

Get involved with NMDD by filling out this form: 
https://forms.gle/AsLqXDvCCAuXDqAA6

Music by DJ Quads

Grief is an emotion we all experience in life. How long it takes to make peace with it depends on us.  

And that’s a main theme with today’s guest, Devin Mattson. He’s a real estate investor and founder of Ethik, an ethical sourcing company. He’s a dear friend who has a unique approach to life’s challenges as he lost both his mom and dad to cancer when he was fairly young. He shares how losing his parents has changed how he approaches life such as health, grief, money, and relationships. And beyond that, Devin’s just a really easy person to talk to because he’s totally open, genuine, altruistic, and just gives you a blank check of his time. I think you’re going to enjoy listening to his story. 

Today’s 3 takeaways, or as we call them, the Do or Die’s from today’s show are: 

1. There are no guarantees you will make it to retirement age with a healthy body or at all. Devin’s father passed in his 50’s. Having a stoic mindset and contemplating your own mortality can be useful to motivate you to do things that truly fulfill you sooner than later. Memento Mori. 
2. What is the financial legacy you’re leaving your family? Devin inherited his dad’s 401k and his mother’s life insurance death benefit. While he shares his struggle with what he calls, “blood money” - being a good steward of that money doing good with it has helped him feel like he’s still connected in some way to his parents.  
3. In dealing with grief - whether it be a loved one’s passing or an unrealized dream - Devin compares handling trauma and grief to a mortgage - paying interest vs. the principle and its an analogy I think everyone should hear.  

Anyone dealing with grief whether from loss or divorce has a blank check of Devin’s time because he’s been there and now pays it forward. 

Show notes:

• Devin's LinkedIn
• Ethik (connecting artisan cooperatives worldwide with conscious companies)
• Tuesday's with Morrie book
• Get involved by filling out this form: https://forms.gle/AsLqXDvCCAuXDqAA6

Music by DJ Quads

Ok, today is packed full of dad jokes. Why? Because I love to laugh and laughter has incredible benefits on your health physically and mentally. Try this, the next time you’re angry - just force yourself to laugh from your belly, like super big and goofy, and I guarantee you’re going to feel less angry maybe even completely not angry anymore. It’s amazing.  

But I have a whole routine of dad jokes and I’m going to try to get through this without laughing at myself because I just love dad jokes. Like the quick witted, kind awkward, and dry humor of it all just really does it for me.  

True story, back when I was commuting 45 mins each way to work, I would listen to those first to laugh videos or best dad jokes on YouTube. And over time I committed to memory a repository of dad jokes that I could whip out whenever there was a dull moment in a meeting or waiting in line or whenever. Amazing and borderline useless skill to develop I know. But laughter is an important part of life.  

So anyway, for a talent show at a family reunion last summer, I put together a whole routine of dad jokes. I think they’re hilarious b/c of my dry sense of humor and maybe you’ll get a chuckle or two as well. We’ll find out.  

If you've ever gotten angry at your kids or if you've ever felt anxiety or helpless about your kids' behavior, then you need to hear this episode.

Kirk Martin is the founder of Celebrate Calm and the Calm Parenting podcast. He has helped almost a million parents and teachers tackle some of the most challenging issues parents face like power-struggles, defiance and disrespect, bullying, sibling fights, de-motivated kids, kids with ADHD and so much more. 

He gives specific concrete strategies that work in everyday situations. And that's what I love about his program and his podcast is he has situations that he describes that I feel are exactly what I face with my four boys. We've applied Kirk's strategies in my house and it has certainly been a positive benefit to us. 

And I could go on and on about Kirk, let me just say this.

If you've ever gotten angry at your kids or if you've ever felt anxiety or helpless about your kids' behavior, then you need to hear what Kirk has to say, because I think it could really change your life. 

Show Notes

• Celebrate Calm website

Music: It's Near by DJ Quads

Society unfortunately seems to have reduced what it means to “provide” to be merely financial support. If a man is divorced, he must pay child support. And while that totally makes sense there is no additional requirement on how much time he must spend with his children unless he advocates for established visitation rights. 

To society, it’s strictly financial. Unfortunately, this legal requirement bleeds into our father-culture. Dads think that so long as I’m bringing in a paycheck, I’m “providing” for my family. When I get home, I can sit on the couch because “my part” is done. 

Think again. 

We dads need to “provide” so much more than that. Dads are to provide for the physical, spiritual, and emotional needs of their family. If you’re only doing 1 of the 3, then that’s a failing score bro. But don’t worry, we’ve all been there and the content here will help. 

Just know this, true providing doesn’t cost you a penny. 

Looking back, there were a few things I wished someone had told me about raising a child with a meager paycheck. Here is a quick financial checklist to be aware of as a new dad …and a thought about providing at the end you don’t want to miss. 

1. Make sure your child as a Social Security Number – without your child’s SSN, you can’t add them to your health insurance, open a bank account, or apply for government benefits. It usually comes shortly after you applied for your baby’s birth certificate.
   
   
2. Add the baby to your Health Insurance fast – be sure to add your son to your health insurance. Most have work through work, so let your HR people know right away as there are usually time deadlines for adding a new baby to your health insurance policy.
   
   
3. Buy things second hand – with a new baby you’re going to need more than just diapers, wipes and formula. At a minimum you’ll need a car seat, stroller, high chair, and a crib. The good news is that a lot of people right in your area are wanting to get rid of their baby stuff. Baby furniture and clothes are for sale all the time on Facebook, Nextdoor, or Craigslist marketplaces. While a stigma may exist about buying something second hand—there is no shame in buying something used. In fact, it does more good than just saving you money. It helps someone in your community, and it helps the earth because less waste ends up in our city dumps. We’ve found excellent products slightly used by spending a little time researching. This has saved us thousands of dollars over the years.
   
   
4. Get life insurance – once someone depends on you financially, you need to protect their future in case you aren’t there to provide for them. While the chances are rare, you never know when the angels call. You don’t need a lot of coverage, just enough to be a soft landing and while they are growing up. In most cases a 20 or 30 years term life insurance that’s 2-5 times your salary is good enough. If you can’t afford that right now, find a term policy that has a small face amount (like $50,000). Any soft landing is better than nothing.
   
   
5. Claim the child tax credit. When you file your taxes, you can claim a child tax credit. This can save you thousands on your taxes each year. 

As a new dad, get the basic in place then rethink how you will define "providing" for your family. 

Show notes:

• Investopedia: Costs of a child in their first year
• Episode blog article