Episode 13 of the No One's Watching Podcast. If you're watching this you shouldn't be.

Marathon prep is back on track after the vacation hiccup. Average day is four miles now and I remember when I was struggling to do one. Ran in a tornado warning this week because I hate the treadmill that much. Sweat beads are forming on the brim of my hat while I run and it's giving me Marine Corps South Carolina nostalgia. Heart rate is staying down even though it's only getting hotter. The engine is getting better.

Then I told my wife that half of what I had written down to talk about was about her. So we just hopped into it.

She sets alarms one minute apart starting at five AM when she doesn't wake up until six thirty. Seventy five alarms. One minute apart. She doesn't hear any of them. I hear all of them. I shake her awake, she turns it off, goes back to sleep, and another one goes off sixty seconds later. If you snoozed the five fifteen what makes you think you're waking up at five sixteen? Just set one alarm for six thirty and get an extra hour and fifteen minutes of sleep. But apparently that's my fault for being a light sleeper.

Then the apartment complex situation. A woman I've never met in my life knew my dog's name, my name, and stuff about my job. I'm just Maverick's handler at this point. I'm Maverick's human. I don't want people knowing my dog's name before I introduce him. People are asking me about my job and I've never seen their face. My wife is apparently running a PR campaign for our household without my knowledge.

Got held hostage by my sixty year old neighbor for an hour and a half talking about his Pontiac Sunfire like it's a sports car. I'm too golden retriever to shut it down but too black cat to enjoy it. Fifty one percent black cat, forty nine percent golden retriever. But I can't wait until I'm seventy and I get to hold the youth hostage with my stories about my 2019 Ford Escape.

Also thinking about faking Alzheimer's for five years when I'm seventy five. Walk into the supermarket naked every Sunday. Tell the cops you're lost. Do it for five years. Then at eighty just tell everyone you've been fine the whole time. Grandpa you walked into Weiss naked every Sunday. Yeah. Yeah I did.

Then the ice cream rant. My wife gets mint chocolate chip with rainbow sprinkles every single time. Mint is for nicotine and toothpaste. Chocolate is too heavy for mint. Why is mint ice cream green? There aren't enough mint leaves in the world to turn ice cream lime green. York peppermint patties should be in a multi billion dollar lawsuit. Thin mints? Bad. Ice cream has fifty flavors and fifty toppings so you can explore. My Mount Rushmore: vanilla, Oreo from Carvel, Moose Tracks, and the Ben and Jerry's mud pie pint with the hard shell and cookie crumble.

If my only complaints about my wife are alarms, people knowing my business, and her ice cream choices, I've done pretty well in the wife department.

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Episode 12 of the No One's Watching Podcast. If you're watching this you shouldn't be.

Marathon training week 9 out of 27. A third of the way there. Ran my longest run yet at fourteen K, no water, no vest, just a Nike fanny pack from South Carolina. Two hours straight at a thirteen minute pace. If I do that two more times it's a marathon. The math checks out. Also chose to run outside during a tornado warning instead of using a treadmill. I hate the treadmill that much.

Went on a family vacation to South Carolina with twenty two people. Eight of them under three years old. It was parenting in another location. Running in South Carolina humidity is like running with your head inside a fishbowl. You can chew on the air. Had to cut my long run short because my stomach almost ended me. The amount of trash cans I was eyeing up on that resort was crazy.

Went to Paula Dean's restaurant. Forty five minutes wait. I never wait. The food was alright. But the cheddar garlic buttery biscuits they drop off before the meal? I took one bite and decided I'd marry Paula Dean. She's gotta be in her eighties. I don't care. She's got money and she makes biscuits.

A fifty year old woman with the most severe country accent I've ever heard spotted my twins and went "oh my god are they twins?" and I felt like I was being punked. How do you take a southern accent seriously when you're angry? Like "Clyde Dean McDonoughhue get here right now." That's a crazy name but you get the point.

Then the UK food rant happened. I've known about beans on toast and tuna potatoes for years. But I saw a video of a woman eating one and it hit me for the first time. I haven't been exposed to bean women. Imagine a first date at a tuna potato place and she kisses you goodnight and there's tuna on your lip and she goes "let me get that." Green gravy on eel pies. I'm happy America got its independence because I would not survive on that diet.

Got back from vacation and my coworker looked at my New Balance Rebels and said "those shoes look comfortable." I don't know how to take that. It felt like a knife to the heart. It felt like he was saying I have zero swag and he's glad I chose comfort over looks. I might throw them out now.

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Episode 11 of the No One's Watching Podcast. If you're watching this you shouldn't be.

Marathon training is rolling. Ten minute mile pace is max right now. Running in eighty two degrees and almost got heat stroke on a tempo run this week. About to drive eleven hours to South Carolina for a family vacation with twenty two people, eight of them under the age of four. That's not a vacation. That's parenting in another location. Gotta run a thirteen K long run on Sunday morning after arriving. Plan is to beat the sun up and pray.

World Cup update. US beat Bosnia off a beautiful free kick. Red card on Balogun was absurd. Germany lost me a fifteen leg parlay by losing to Paraguay in PKs. Second time Germany has cost me money in the World Cup. Macedonia in 2021 was the first. I'm done betting on Germany.

Love Island movie night happened and the villa is in shambles. KC still can't form a sentence. Anaya is milking it. Trinity looks like she eats bugs. Sincere is a little baby child man telling everyone different things. Mackenzie has been with four guys and somehow Gabe got kicked out for talking to two girls. Gal has a hairpiece and veneers at twenty five and looks like he should be somewhere else entirely.

Then the main event. Marine Corps boot camp. The full story. Joined on a whim at twenty one after dropping out of college and playing D3 football. First branch that called back was the Marines. Had to cut from 260 to 207 in a month and a half. Sauna twice a day, working out twice a day, barely eating. Shipped at 207. Gained twenty pounds back in forty eight hours before boot camp started. Showed up at 227. They keep you up for seventy two hours to see if you lied about anything on your paperwork. Seventy five percent of the room just fell asleep.

Swim qualification with a size 10 left boot and a size 15 right boot at size 13 feet. Felt like Nemo with the special fin. Drill instructor couldn't look at me without laughing because I made a stupid face every time. We communicated through sound only after that. No eye contact.

A kid ran an 18:30 three mile on the final PFT, collapsed four steps past the finish line, and got the silver bullet six times on the way to the hospital. They pull your pants down and shove a metal rod in your butt to check your temperature. Six times. Just leave it in at that point.

Our step-off ditty was "fighting fox in your mom's box." Drill instructor pulled his cover down, walked away, looked over his shoulder, said "Smith, you're fucking weird." We used it.

Best decision I ever made. Set me up for everything. California for five years, VA loan, education, all of it. Would I have said that while I was in? Who knows.

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Episode 10 — BLTs Are A Ponzi Scheme

Episode 10 of the No One's Watching Podcast. If you're watching this you shouldn't be.

Marathon training week 6 into week 7. Longest run yet at twelve K, no vest, felt fantastic. Then the morning shifts came back and so did ninety degree heat. Sciatic nerve almost shut me down mid stride in the park. Almost fell like an old man. Or like a nun.

Cut four minutes off my ten K time. Running app is auto increasing my pace which is cool. Wife got me a full body massage for Father's Day and I'm saving it like nitrous in the Fast and Furious. You don't use it until you absolutely need it.

Then the food segment happened and it went for thirty minutes. BLTs are a Ponzi scheme. Bacon is an accessory, not a base. You can't build a sandwich out of accessories. If your L is heavier than your B or your T is heavier than your B the whole thing is a scam. I don't even know the anatomy of a BLT. Does it have sauce? Is it just dry? Do you put cheese on it? I have no experience because I think they're a scam.

Pork roll or Taylor Ham. I'm from central New Jersey which both North and South Jersey claim doesn't exist. I flip flop and that's going to devastate everyone who knows me. Also said the word hoagie for the first time in my life and my wife looked at me like I had five heads. It was disrespectful to our culture.

New Jersey has the best bagels and the best pizza and I will die on that hill. A girl from Ohio told me she loves bagels. Her favorite kind? The soft ones. Thomas brand out of a sleeve bag. I have never wanted to hit someone so much.

Motor City Pizza Co Detroit style frozen pizza is the best frozen pizza ever made. Supreme is the best because it has no olives. I hate olives because a kid burped olive breath in my face while we were playing Crash Bandicoot on PS2 when I was seven. I swore that day I would never eat an olive again.

Also used to fold full size DiGiornos in half and eat them like that when I was twelve. Those pizzas were for the house. I was eating them like a little pig.

Heated seats are worthless. A friend turned them on while I was hungover in the passenger seat and my ass was on fire. The only approved use of heated seats is torturing your friends.

Then the alligator death roll. If your wife pokes your butt walking up the stairs you clench your cheeks and hit a 360 no scope. Pop that finger right off. Can't guarantee she won't do it again but I can guarantee she'll only do it nine more times.

Love Island Casa Amor recap. KC finally escaped. TiTi rolled her shoulders and got big. She said "my name's TiTi" and I thought she was about to break skulls. Saturday mornings with my mom watching Bad Girls Club all over again.

Chicks dig the rig.

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Episode 9 of the No One's Watching Podcast. If you're watching this you shouldn't be.

Marathon training week 6. Longest run yet at twelve K. No vest. Music was bumping. Felt good. Running twelve minute miles and honestly starting to feel normal. Diet is not going well. Back to back barbecues and eating like an absolute hog. Went from 246 to 249 but we're trending back down.

Then the months rant. If your kid is one, they're one. I don't care if they're twenty five months old. Anything past eighteen months and you need help. Seventy five months old? You mean he's five? I can't divide right now.

A pregnant woman with zero children told me what a sleep regression is. I have twins. Two simultaneous sleep regressions. The gall of this woman.

Thinking about starting an Old School RuneScape bronze man series on the channel. Hundred days played between two accounts. Let me know if that's something you'd watch.

Elmo released a statement about the NBA Finals saying he didn't care who won. Knicks fans put his head on a spike. Then the World Cup came around and Elmo had to take a stance this time. He said he wants the US men's national team to win. You could tell he was shaking. The Knicks fans broke him.

Then the big one. Japanese people are eating American barbecue at the World Cup. You don't understand what this means. These are people who will open a five seat ramen shop at twenty and make ramen for the next eighty years. They are going to take American barbecue back to Japan, perfect it, and in thirty to fifty years Japan will have the best American barbecue in the world. The timeline has started. There is nothing we can do.

Also: crossover episodes need to come back. Love Island and Love on the Spectrum. Bad Girls Club and American Ninja Warrior. Little People Big World and Flavor of Love. I should be programming television.

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Episode 8 of the No One's Watching Podcast. If you're watching this you shouldn't be.

Someone commented on one of my clips and called me Steven Seagal. Posted a gif and everything. And the worst part is they weren't wrong. Three on top, medium fade, yellow frame glasses, always wearing black. I am Steven Seagal. Shout out to that guy. You're not even supposed to be watching this.

Marathon training week 5. Personal best five K at 33:12, personal best mile at ten minutes flat. Still haven't broken ten minutes but it's coming. Also got runners high for the first time in years during interval training and felt like a gazelle. Wife ran a 29:59 five K. She's faster than me. We don't talk about it.

Took the girls to Sesame Place for their birthday. Ninety five degrees. Two bucket hats and two water bottles — a hundred and four dollars. The guy at the register tried to upsell me a towel. The girls cried before we even got to the front of the line to meet Abbey. One touch of the furry hand and it was World War Three.

Then the toilet flooded. Plunger was in the other bathroom. The other bathroom was locked. My wife basically looked at me and said the bathroom is flooding, the only way to stop it is behind a locked door, your time starts now. Bathroom Saw.

Also the World Cup is in America and it's making me weirdly patriotic. A guy from Japan posted about getting unlimited chip refills at a Mexican restaurant and said he does not deserve this. Scotland fans drank Boston dry and put cones on statues. This is awesome.

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Episode 7. If you're watching this you shouldn't be.

Marathon training week 4, drawback week. Running at 2:30 in the afternoon in 90 plus degree heat because of the work schedule. Heart rate sitting at 175 for ten straight minutes on a tempo day. VO2 max is in the bottom 30% for my age and I'm doing box breathing in the car on the way to work to try to fix it. Surviving though. Electrolytes and an Uncrustable and we push forward.

Had two interactions while running. A 70 year old guy carrying ten pound weights up a hill told his wife on the phone he just got passed by a jogger who doesn't look like he's gonna make it. Loved him for that. The other one was a nun who fell on the ground as I ran by her. My theory is God smited her for checking me out. I'm sticking to that.

Then the worst five words anyone can say to you — I had the craziest dream last night. Now you're locked in. Now you're doing dream tag. Going back and forth with made up stories about things that didn't happen while you were sleeping. Could be good. Eighty percent of the time it is not good.

Love Island. I watch it. I grew up on Bad Girls Club and Flavor of Love with my mom on Saturday mornings and the pipeline goes directly here. Flavor Flav looked like a decrepit turtle and women were fighting for him every season. The nonchalant guys on Love Island are the problem. Being too cool is whack. Giving a shit is almost my entire personality.

Then tried to be a door to door salami sandwich and banana salesman. Broke into a guy's house in the middle of the night to check his fridge, watched him and his wife sleep, diagnosed him with sleep apnea, read his kid a bedtime story, and tried to sell him a subscription. Three hundred dollars a month, one salami sandwich a day, free bundle of bananas. The deal is really in the daily plan. SSB Slingers. Apple Store or Google Play if you're on Android like some kind of freak.

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Episode 6 of the No One's Watching Podcast. If you're watching this you shouldn't be.

This week: end of week 3 going into week 4 of marathon training. First time running with a vest. Mixed reviews. I looked like an absolute freak show doing one mile loops at a park with a full hydration vest for six miles. Also debating becoming a fanny pack nose strip headband guy and I'm not happy about it.

Then the family started a hundred miles in June challenge on Strava and I am getting absolutely humbled. My wife is smoking my times. Everyone just started running and they're all faster than me. I'm running zone two. They're not. I have to keep reminding myself I'm playing a seven month game and they're playing a one month game. It's fine. I'm fine.

Got complimented on my calves three times this week which helped. Also found out in high school I had two horsepower. Tied to two horses it would be a stalemate. Don't quote me on that.

Then talked about every job I've had — Bollywood movie theater, regular movie theater, refrigeration and HVAC, military, door to door sales. The Bollywood theater alone was a full blown anthropological experience. Samosas. Paan. People singing in the lobby. Ghost stories about theater six.

Birthday party at ninety three degrees, a unicorn shooting water, a hundred and fifty feet of kinked hose, a snapped pipe, and no water for twenty five kids. Great time.

Ended with the wheel. Became Clyde McRobotterson from Cincinnati. Ice cream man. Witness protection. Loves WD-40. It was terrible.

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Episode 5 — No One's Watching Podcast

Episode 5 of the No One's Watching Podcast. Still don't know what to title it. If you're watching this, you shouldn't be.

This week: marathon training week 3 at 249 lbs, the 9K that actually felt good, and why zone 2 running is a travesty that works. Also broke down the diet — goal weight times ten, 160 grams of protein, eat whatever you want after that. Simple. Plus the only correct way to eat an Uncrustable involves a toaster and frozen peanut butter and if you disagree you're wrong.

Then things got weird. Introduced the intelligence loop theory — cavemen and geniuses are the same person, just on opposite ends of a circle that connect. Met Chelsea in high school. She read the dictionary poolside. She was a menace.

Then the unicorn people tier list. Amish people are D tier. Amish people in an airport are B tier. An Amish little person in Chicago O'Hare airport is S tier and I have never seen anything rarer in 29 years of life. If you think you can beat it let me know.

Also: you can buy 51% of Detroit for $256 million. Elon could do that tonight. Pretty sure that means you own the city.

Ended the episode with the No One's Watching Wheel — a random topic spinner I built with Claude. Spun it twice. Became a surfer dude cult leader and then a Russian spy blowing my cover as president for a day. Renamed the Gulf of America, made the Ravens and Orioles the national birds, put my face on Mount Rushmore, and gave the nuclear codes to Russia for safekeeping. Baltimore things.

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Episode 4 of the No One's Watching Podcast — the show you're not supposed to be watching.

90% of podcasts don't make it past episode 3. We're officially top 10% of all podcasts ever made. Look at us.

This week: marathon training week 2 at 250 lbs, the ego death of running 13 minute miles when your military best was 7:15, and nicotine pouches slowly destroying my ability to cool down in the heat.

Also: Yonkers by Tyler the Creator is the 2G1C of music videos. I said what I said. Plus Hantavious, the algorithm giving me 800 views one day and 7 the next, and why I'm never doing a half marathon because what's the point of finishing halfway.

If you're a big body runner — 220 lbs and up — I need your tips. Hydration, fueling, cooling down, stretching, anything. Drop it in the comments.

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