No Roadmap Home

Check out “After the Conversation” where I provide added insights and reflections on this episode.

I’ve known Stephanie and her daughter, XuXu, for over a decade — long before I ever thought to start this podcast. Sitting down with them again for this conversation felt like picking up where we left off years ago at a Barnes & Noble café.

Stephanie and her husband adopted XuXu from Tianjin, China when she was two. What struck me most, listening back to their story, is how little space we usually give to the grief that lives inside adoption alongside the joy. Stephanie describes it so plainly — the love at first sight, and then the five stages of grief she and her husband witnessed their new daughter experiencing as she mourned the only family she’d ever known.

We talked about the choices Stephanie made early on — staying connected to XuXu’s foster family, building community, making Chinese culture part of ordinary life rather than a once-a-year event. I also asked XuXu what it was like growing up on the other side of those choices: the third-grade family tree assignments, the years of feeling caught between identities, and how she’s come, finally, to feel more at home in being Chinese than she ever did as a child.

I don't think there's one right way to grieve, or one moment when identity clicks into place. This conversation is a reminder of that. I hope you'll take the time to listen to Xiu Xiu and Stephanie's story.

A Note on Care & Support

The reflections, resources, and recommendations shared here are offered from personal experience and conversation. I am not a therapist or mental health professional, and the content of No Roadmap Home is not intended to diagnose, treat, or replace professional mental health care. Please consider working with a qualified mental health professional for support that is specific to your circumstances.

If something you read here brings up difficult emotions or you’re struggling and need someone to talk to, you don’t have to navigate it alone. In the U.S. and its territories, you can call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or use their online chat. The service is free, confidential, and available 24/7. You do not have to be suicidal to reach out—you can contact 988 if you’re experiencing emotional distress or simply need someone to talk to.

Check out “After the Conversation” where I provide added insights and reflections on this episode.

I sat down with my friend Mike, someone I’ve known for over a decade since we met at his sister’s wedding in Minnesota. Mike was adopted from Korea at four years old, and, like a lot of us, he’s spent his life figuring out how to build an identity that belongs fully to him.

What he shared about family, race, and finding his way back to Korea wasn’t what I expected.

Listen to the full episode to hear Mike’s story — and the advice he’d give to anyone still figuring out where they belong.

A Note on Care & Support

The reflections, resources, and recommendations shared here are offered from personal experience and conversation. I am not a therapist or mental health professional, and the content of No Roadmap Home is not intended to diagnose, treat, or replace professional mental health care. Please consider working with a qualified mental health professional for support that is specific to your circumstances.

If something you read here brings up difficult emotions or you’re struggling and need someone to talk to, you don’t have to navigate it alone. In the U.S. and its territories, you can call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or use their online chat. The service is free, confidential, and available 24/7. You do not have to be suicidal to reach out—you can contact 988 if you’re experiencing emotional distress or simply need someone to talk to.

Check out “After the Conversation” where I provide added insights and reflections on this episode.

Katie Dachtler and I are from the same corner of Minnesota — close enough that talking with her brought back memories and feelings I’d packed away myself. Katie has spent years building language for the experience we share, first as a kid who couldn’t stop asking questions, then as a therapist who now works with people living that same in-between.

What she found along the way wasn’t a tidy answer, but a way to hold two truths at once.

Listen to the full episode to hear Katie’s story — and the language she’s spent years building for a feeling so many of us never had a word for.

A Note on Care & Support

The reflections, resources, and recommendations shared here are offered from personal experience and conversation. I am not a therapist or mental health professional, and the content of No Roadmap Home is not intended to diagnose, treat, or replace professional mental health care. Please consider working with a qualified mental health professional for support that is specific to your circumstances.

If something you read here brings up difficult emotions or you’re struggling and need someone to talk to, you don’t have to navigate it alone. In the U.S. and its territories, you can call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or use their online chat. The service is free, confidential, and available 24/7. You do not have to be suicidal to reach out—you can contact 988 if you’re experiencing emotional distress or simply need someone to talk to.

Check out “After the Conversation” when you’ve finished listening - a place to learn more about my insights on this episode.

  A year ago, I sat in a breakout session at a crisis conference that changed how I think about trauma in the body. The speaker was Rick Griffin, founder of the NeuroLeadership Academy, and his work translates decades of neuroscience into something I couldn’t stop thinking about: why does the same early displacement land so differently in different people?

Rick and I sat down to dig into that question — what our brains are really doing when they carry a threat that never fully leaves, and why two people with strikingly similar stories can respond to the same pain in completely opposite ways.

Listen to the full episode to hear what Rick taught me — and the story about a bear that I haven’t been able to stop telling people since.

A Note on Care & Support

The reflections, resources, and recommendations shared here are offered from personal experience and conversation. I am not a therapist or mental health professional, and the content of No Roadmap Home is not intended to diagnose, treat, or replace professional mental health care. Please consider working with a qualified mental health professional for support that is specific to your circumstances.

If something you read here brings up difficult emotions or you’re struggling and need someone to talk to, you don’t have to navigate it alone. In the U.S. and its territories, you can call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or use their online chat. The service is free, confidential, and available 24/7. You do not have to be suicidal to reach out—you can contact 988 if you’re experiencing emotional distress or simply need someone to talk to.