Not in My Bucket Podcast

You can't set a boundary with someone else until you know who you are — and most of us skip that step. Sarah picks up the buckets-with-friends series by sending you back to your target. Last time you drew it and placed the people closest to you. This time, redraw it and put people where they actually belong. But before you can decide where anyone belongs, she says, you have to do the harder work first: figure out your own values, personality, and needs. Along the way she shares what changed for her when she read Dare to Lead and explored the Enneagram, how she protects the environment at her counseling center, and a story about the time she unknowingly started imitating a friend she admired. WHAT BELONGS IN YOUR BUCKET (THE THINGS YOU CAN CONTROL) • Your environment. Where you spend your time and what you allow around you. If you don't drink, a bar may not be the place to meet people; a library might be. • What you are and aren't willing to do. Know your values and where you'll compromise (and where it's a no-go) before you're in the relationship. • What you have to give. Your schedule, your energy, your season of life. It's okay to say "Let me check my calendar" instead of a reflexive yes. • Your responsibility. Owning your part: showing up hungry and exhausted next to the person who grates on you is on you, and so is wearing a mask instead of being authentic. WHAT DOESN'T BELONG IN YOUR BUCKET • Someone else's expectations • Someone else's opinions • Someone else's responsibility • Someone else's personality Sarah explains that we often enter relationships a little empty, subconsciously hoping the other person will fill in the blanks. It works at first, but it isn't their job, and it leads to absorbing their expectations, opinions, and even their personality. "They're just the cherry on the top. You are the substance." — Sarah Bentz, on relationships of every kind WHERE TO BEGIN: 3 STEPS 1.Identify where you've lost control of your bucket. Go back to your target. With each person near the center, ask: am I my true self with them, or walking on eggshells? Those you enjoy but can't relax around can move further out. 2.Own only what belongs to you. In every relationship, even ones that went sour, there's something to own. It might be as simple as having a hard conversation while jet-lagged and exhausted, then blaming the other person. 3.Listen to your body. Your body is always signaling whether a situation feels safe. It only betrays you when you ignore it. MOMENTS WORTH REWINDING FOR • Sarah's story about the cable technician who emailed to say how peaceful her new office felt, proof that you can control your environment even if you can't control who walks in • The season she went back to school while working full time and consciously chose to give nothing to new relationships • How she spent years imitating a respected friend's personality, and the people who loved her enough to nudge her back to herself • Why she is skeptical of "ten ways to be a better friend" lists, and what she says to start with instead RESOURCES MENTIONED • Dare to Lead by Brené Brown. Includes values inventories; Sarah's group read it together and she calls it a pivotal moment. • The Enneagram. The nine-personality model Sarah found most helpful for understanding herself. She also mentions Myers-Briggs and other assessments, and encourages you to find whichever works for you. REFLECTION PROMPTS FROM THIS EPISODE • Do you know your values, your personality, and what you need in a typical week? • Whose personality, opinions, or expectations have you been carrying in your bucket? • With which people on your target are you not your authentic 🧢 Wear Your Boundaries on Your Sleeve! Stop making excuses and start defining your bucket! Grab official podcast gear—including hats, tumblers, and our signature ""Stop Shoulding on yourself" t-shirt 👉 Shop the Official Not In My Bucket Merchandise Here

• Email: [email protected]

Not In My Bucket is hosted by Sarah Bentz, licensed counselor and owner of the Hope & Growth Center in Keller, Texas, exploring emotional boundaries, family patterns, and how we "fill" and "empty" each other's emotional buckets. This episode touches on trust, past relationship patterns, and self-worth. If any of this feels heavy for you personally, it may be worth talking it through with a counselor or therapist. Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST

Most of us are still making friends the way we did in first grade — we just don't realize it. Sarah kicks off a new stretch of episodes focused on boundaries in specific relationships, starting with friendships. She traces how we pick friends at every age — siblings and family friends when we're little, whoever sits next to us in elementary school, shared values in middle and high school — and how college throws that whole system out the window, leaving most people with no real method for deciding who belongs in their life and how close. The core message: boundaries in friendship protect both people, keep you in control of your own decisions, and only work if you actually know who you are first. 7 SIGNS OF UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES IN NEW RELATIONSHIPS 1.Telling all. Sharing your full life story with someone before you know whether they're safe to hold it. 2.Falling in love with a new acquaintance. Not romantic love — a platonic infatuation that skips past actually getting to know someone. 3.Acting on first sexual impulse. Letting physical intimacy come before the relationship has any real foundation. 4.Going against personal values to please others. Compromising what you actually believe just to keep someone around. 5.Not noticing when someone displays inappropriate boundaries. Making excuses for behavior you'd never accept from yourself. 6.Letting others define your reality. Morphing into who someone else wants you to be so they'll like you. 7.Spending more time meeting someone else's needs than your own. A pattern that shows up fast when infatuation is driving the relationship. "The reality is, you belong in the center circle. And you've got to protect you with everything you've got." — Sarah Bentz THE TARGET EXERCISE Sarah shares a tool she uses often in her counseling practice: draw a target, like an archery target, with a small, high-value center circle and larger, lower-value rings around it. List every important person in your life, then place them on the target based on how close they actually are — not how close you think they should be. The pattern she sees almost every time: the center and the ring right around it are packed with names, there's barely room on the outer rings, and the person doing the exercise usually forgets to put themselves on the target at all. The center circle belongs to you. Everyone else earns their way closer over time — new people start on the outer edge, and only move inward as they prove themselves trustworthy. • New acquaintances start on the outer rings, not the center, no matter how much you like them • A close family member isn't automatically entitled to the center circle if the relationship isn't safe • Daily contact (like a coworker) doesn't equal closeness — frequency and depth are different things • The closer someone sits to the center, the more expectations come with that placement, so start slow REFLECTION PROMPTS FROM THIS EPISODE • If you drew your own target right now, is your center circle overcrowded? • Did you remember to put yourself on the target at all? • Is there someone close to your center who doesn't actually make you feel safe? • Which of the 7 unhealthy patterns above sounds like how you've made friends in the past? Sarah ties this back to the glass bucket from the last episode: when your center circle is full of other people and there's no room for you, that's the sign you're standing outside your own bucket looking in. COMING UP NEXT This is the first of several episodes on friendship boundaries — Sarah continues the topic next time. 🧢 Wear Your Boundaries on Your Sleeve! Stop making excuses and start defining your bucket! Grab official podcast gear—including hats, tumblers, and our signature ""Stop Shoulding on yourself" t-shirt 👉 Shop the Official Not In My Bucket Merchandise Here

• Email: [email protected]

Not In My Bucket is hosted by Sarah Bentz, licensed counselor and owner of the Hope & Growth Center in Keller, Texas, exploring emotional boundaries, family patterns, and how we "fill" and "empty" each other's emotional buckets. This episode touches on trust, past relationship patterns, and self-worth. If any of this feels heavy for you personally, it may be worth talking it through with a counselor or therapist. Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST

There's one more bucket, and it might be the one you're standing outside of right now, looking in. After walking through the rescue bucket, the overloaded bucket, the collector's bucket, the trauma bucket, the minnow bucket, and the sand bucket, Sarah introduces the final piece of the series: the glass bucket. It's a real object on her shelf — a thick, slightly distorted antique glass ice bucket — and it becomes the metaphor for what it looks like when you're carrying a bucket full of things that were never yours to begin with. This episode is less about a new violation and more about a gut check: which bucket do you actually see when you look inside your own? Sarah walks back through each one to help you find it. WHICH BUCKET DO YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOOK IN? • The rescue bucket. You're carrying other people's responsibilities instead of your own, and you're exhausted from it. • The overloaded bucket. A pile of small yeses that added up to no room left for what actually matters to you. • The collector's bucket. Years of other people's opinions, expectations, and cares dumped in without a lid, and you're barely keeping your head above it. • The (very serious business) trauma bucket. What you see first when you look in is someone else's actions toward you that were out of your control. • The minnow bucket. Secret expectations you've never actually said out loud, so no one else has had the chance to meet them. • The sand bucket. The playful, light version Sarah says is the goal — a bucket that's actually yours to enjoy. SO WHAT IS THE GLASS BUCKET? The glass bucket is what happens when you're standing outside your own boundaries, looking in at a bucket full of stuff that isn't yours — and trying to protect all of it anyway. It's fragile by nature. Sarah describes wrapping the real glass bucket in a towel before every presentation because it could shatter if it's mishandled, and says our own boundaries work the same way when we're stretched thin protecting things that were never ours to carry. The glass is also slightly distorted — clear enough to see what's inside, but not crystal clear. Some of what doesn't belong to you is obvious the moment you look. Other pieces take longer to recognize, and Sarah notes those will keep coming into focus as the series moves into relationships, parenting, and the workplace. "As long as we have other people's stuff in our bucket, we cannot protect our bucket. It's glass." — Sarah Bentz REFLECTION PROMPTS FROM THIS EPISODE • When you look into your own bucket right now, which one do you see first? • What is the one thing in your bucket that, when you look at it, feels like a neon sign saying it has to go? • Whose responsibility have you been carrying, and how will you hand it back? • What secret expectation have you been holding onto without ever saying it out loud? Sarah's suggestion if this episode stirred something up: go back and re-listen to the earlier bucket episodes, and consider bringing what you find to a counselor to work through. BOOKS SARAH MENTIONS IN THIS EPISODE Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend Sarah calls the Cloud and Townsend book part of the beginning of her own journey with boundaries, having not grown up in a family where they were discussed or respected. Both titles are available in updated editions with companion workbooks. 🧢 Wear Your Boundaries on Your Sleeve! Stop making excuses and start defining your bucket! Grab official podcast gear—including hats, tumblers, and our signature ""Stop Shoulding on yourself" t-shirt 👉 Shop the Official Not In My Bucket Merchandise Here

• Email: [email protected]

Not In My Bucket is hosted by Sarah Bentz, exploring emotional boundaries, family patterns, and how we "fill" and "empty" each other's emotional buckets. This episode touches on exposure to rage and violence and other difficult family dynamics. If any of this feels heavy for you personally, it may be worth talking it through with a counselor or therapist. Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST

Not every violation looks dramatic. Some look like a tickle you never asked for, or a decision about your own life that someone else made for you. Sarah is back with the second half of her bucket violations series, and this batch gets into territory that's easy to miss because it hides in plain sight: being told not to cry, being touched without permission, being cast as your spouse's parent instead of their partner, and having decisions about your own religion, career, or relationships made for you long after you were old enough to make them yourself. Before diving in, Sarah takes a moment to thank the community — the show has now crossed 1,200 followers — and reminds listeners that these episodes aren't about keeping score or calling people out. They're about noticing what belongs in your bucket, what doesn't, and where healing needs to start. THE 7 BUCKET VIOLATIONS COVERED IN THIS EPISODE 1.Not being allowed to cry. Tears are the body's natural release — being told to stop only teaches people to hide them. 2.Being tickled or touched without permission. From forced hugs to strangers touching a pregnant belly, consent applies to touch of every kind. 3.Being forced into a role as parent to your spouse. When a partner leans on you the way a child leans on a parent instead of showing up as an equal. 4.Being exposed to constant whining or pouting. Adult silent treatment and sulking used as a manipulation tactic to get your way. 5.Being forced to stuff your feelings out of fear of violence, ridicule, or shame. Silencing yourself because expressing an emotion has felt dangerous before. 6.Not being allowed to come and go at will. An adult being controlled — told who they can see, where they can go, or when they're allowed to leave. 7.Having your life decided for you. Religion, career, marriage, or beliefs chosen on your behalf well past the age you were capable of choosing yourself. "Their feelings, their bucket. Your feelings, your bucket. It's your basic right to have your own."— Sarah Bentz MOMENTS WORTH REWINDING FOR • The "fruit snacks" test Sarah ran on her 3-year-old grandson — and what happened when she acknowledged his disappointment instead of demanding he stop crying • Why asking permission before a hug, tickle, or touch is about respect, not formality — including the pregnant-belly example every mom-to-be will recognize • The line between healthy concern and control when it comes to an adult partner coming and going • How Sarah navigates the nuance of raising kids with your own beliefs while still letting them choose their own path as adults REFLECTION PROMPTS FROM THIS EPISODE For each of the seven violations, Sarah suggests asking yourself: • Have I experienced this — growing up, in a past relationship, or right now? • Have I ever done this to someone else, even without realizing it? And if you recognize yourself as the one doing the violating, Sarah's encouragement is the same throughout: take a step back, own your own behavior, and consider working through it with a counselor rather than carrying it forward. A NOTE FROM SARAH This wraps the full bucket violations series. Sarah's hope isn't for anyone to walk away pointing fingers, but to start noticing which parts of their own bucket still need healing — and to let their boundaries protect and empower them going forward. 🧢 Wear Your Boundaries on Your Sleeve! Stop making excuses and start defining your bucket! Grab official podcast gear—including hats, tumblers, and our signature ""Stop Shoulding on yourself" t-shirt 👉 Shop the Official Not In My Bucket Merchandise Here

• Email: [email protected]

Not In My Bucket is hosted by Sarah Bentz, exploring emotional boundaries, family patterns, and how we "fill" and "empty" each other's emotional buckets. This episode touches on exposure to rage and violence and other difficult family dynamics. If any of this feels heavy for you personally, it may be worth talking it through with a counselor or therapist. Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST

You've probably done at least one of these without meaning to — and you've definitely had at least one done to you. In the last episode, Sarah talked about setting limits and how boundaries help define who we are. This week she goes a layer deeper into the emotional side of that work: the specific, everyday ways our emotional "buckets" get violated, often by people who love us and don't realize what they're doing. Some of these will feel like your childhood. Some might feel like your marriage, your parenting, or your last hard conversation. Sarah walks through the first seven of fifteen total bucket violations, using stories from her own family, her own marriage, and her counseling background to show how each one shows up and how to start catching yourself before you pass it on. THE 7 BUCKET VIOLATIONS COVERED IN THIS EPISODE 1."You shouldn't feel that way." Dismissing or shaming someone's feelings instead of simply acknowledging them. 2.Having your feelings ignored. Being brushed off, talked over, or shut down when you finally work up the courage to share how you feel. 3.Being threatened with abandonment. Using the fear of being left, kicked out, or divorced as leverage in an argument. 4.Being called names. Labels that get thrown into someone's bucket and quietly become part of their identity. 5.Having affection withheld. Using silence or coldness as punishment, which teaches love has to be earned. 6.Being exposed to uncontrolled rage or violence. Witnessing outbursts that rewire your sense of safety, even when you're not the target. 7.Being told you're responsible for someone else's feelings. "You made me angry" versus owning your own emotional reactions. "Your feelings, your bucket. Their behavior, their bucket. Own your feelings first." — Sarah Bentz MOMENTS WORTH REWINDING FOR • Why a counselor never hands a crying client a tissue — and what that teaches about sitting with someone's emotions instead of stopping them • Sarah's "Goombas" story: how she caught herself about to reach for name-calling as a parent and swapped in something harmless instead • The difference between an "I statement" and a "you statement," and why swapping one for the other changes an entire conversation • Why security and affection are basic human needs, not things anyone should have to earn back REFLECTION PROMPTS FROM THIS EPISODE As you listen, Sarah suggests sitting with two questions for each of the seven violations: • Have I experienced this — in childhood, in a past relationship, or right now? • Have I ever done this to someone else, even without meaning to? Her suggestion: keep a literal or mental "bucket" labeled with the name of the person whose feelings, behavior, or issues you've been carrying that were never yours to hold — and start putting things back where they belong. COMING UP NEXT Part 2 continues with eight more bucket violations. Subscribe so it lands in your feed as soon as it's out. 🧢 Wear Your Boundaries on Your Sleeve! Stop making excuses and start defining your bucket! Grab official podcast gear—including hats, tumblers, and our signature ""Stop Shoulding on yourself" t-shirt 👉 Shop the Official Not In My Bucket Merchandise Here

• Email: [email protected]

Not In My Bucket is hosted by Sarah Bentz, exploring emotional boundaries, family patterns, and how we "fill" and "empty" each other's emotional buckets. This episode touches on exposure to rage and violence and other difficult family dynamics. If any of this feels heavy for you personally, it may be worth talking it through with a counselor or therapist. Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST

In this episode, Sarah Bentz takes a deep dive into the practical mechanics of limit setting. Building on the previous conversation about the Minnow Bucket—and why secret expectations always backfire—Sarah shifts the focus toward personal identity: setting limits isn't just about saying "no," it is about clearly defining who you are and teaching others how to respect your individual space. Sarah unpacks the core mechanics of personal limits, explaining how our time, energy, and emotional bandwidth differ from everyone around us. She walks through the three universal truths of boundaries and breaks down the five common pitfalls that cause people to falter when trying to enforce their needs. Key Takeaways & Discussion Highlights

• Defining Your Unique DNA: Why every single bucket is specially designed for its owner—from marathon runners to quiet morning dwellers.
• The Core Elements of Limit Setting: Deciding for yourself how you wish to spend your time, devote your energy (your daily "spoons"), and protect your privacy independent of outside demands.

• The Three Universal Truths of Limits:
  1. Limits are Individual: Yours will never look identical to someone else's.
  2. Limits are Fluid and Contextual: Why answering a client call at 1:00 AM differs from answering a child's emergency call.
  3. Limits are Grounded in Feelings: You cannot set or keep a boundary without doing the internal dive first.
• The "Boundary Muscle" Analogy: Why setting a limit often hurts at first—just like working out unused muscles after a long break.

The 5 Boundary Pitfalls to Avoid

1. Reinforcing What Bothers You: Accidentally rewarding people for imposing on you because you're trying to be polite.
2. Attempting to "Out-Reason" Others: Giving endless reasons that invite people to negotiate or debate your boundaries.
3. Relying on Excuses Instead of Honesty: Buying Tupperware or agreeing to plans simply because you couldn't manufacture a "good enough" excuse.
4. Responding by Reacting: Waiting until an intrusion happens again to explode, rather than initiating a clear limit proactively.
5. Engaging in a Rescue Operation: Setting limits out of a desire to control or fix someone else's bucket rather than protecting your own.

Memorable Quotes "When we set limits, we're teaching somebody else how we want to be treated. We're saying, 'This is our bucket. This is how our bucket functions.'" "When we use muscle in setting a limit, it hurts us because we're used to saying yes... But no pain, no gain. The more you use it, the less it hurts." "Excuses allow us to avoid expressing our honest feelings... Honesty should always be the best policy." Resources & Links Mentioned

• The Spoon Theory & Energy Management: Evaluating your daily bandwidth before taking on new tasks.
• Explore Counseling Services: Connect with trauma-informed resources and limit-setting workshops at the Hope & Growth Center.

🧢 Wear Your Boundaries on Your Sleeve! Stop making excuses and start defining your bucket! Grab official podcast gear—including hats, tumblers, and our signature "Stop shoulding on yourself" t-shirt 👉 Shop the Official Not In My Bucket Merchandise Here

• Email: [email protected]

Connect & Subscribe If you caught a "nugget" of truth from today's episode, take a quick moment to like, subscribe, and share this episode with a friend or family member! Let your boundaries protect and empower you until next time. Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST

We hit a massive milestone on the show this week—over 900 followers! I can't thank you enough for trusting us, sharing these episodes with your friends and family, and spreading the word about why setting healthy limits actually works. In this episode, Sarah introduces one of the most clever metaphors in her entire collection: The Minnow Bucket. Drawing from an antiquing adventure with her husband, Sarah breaks down what happens when we try to operate with "missing pieces" or rely on secret, unvoiced expectations in our relationships. Channeling wisdom from Brené Brown and child development expert Gary Landreth, this conversation is a masterclass in why clear communication isn't just helpful—it's the highest form of kindness. Key Takeaways & Discussion Highlights

• The $15 Antique Mystery: Sarah shares the backstory of finding a cute, vintage galvanized bucket—only to realize later it was an incomplete minnow bucket missing its outer shell.
• The Secret Mechanics of a Minnow Bucket: How the inner strainer bucket is designed to lift minnows out of the water so you aren't wildly chasing slimy bait.
• The Danger of "Secret Expectations": Why holding unvoiced deadlines or rules in your head guarantees frustration for both you and the people around you.
• "Clear is Kind": Leaning into Brené Brown's famous quote from Dare to Lead to reframe boundaries not as "mean" or aggressive, but as deeply compassionate.
• The Dishonesty of Vague Phrases: Why saying "Oh, anytime is fine, no rush!" when you secretly need an answer by Thursday night is actually dishonest.
• The "When You Choose..." Framework: Adapting play therapist Gary Landreth's "Cookie Theory" to give kids—and adults—clear choices paired directly with predictable consequences.
• Follow-Through Over Fluff: Why your words mean absolutely nothing if you don't back them up with consistent, repeatable action.

Memorable Quotes "Clear is kind. What's not kind is to not be clear... Making it always the same response to the same behavior is kind." — Sarah Bentz "When we say 'it doesn't matter' when it really does, that's being dishonest. Let's be honest. Let's be clear. Let's be kind." — Sarah Bentz "Your words mean nothing without action. And it can't be one day you do one action and the next day you do a different action. It's always the same action." — Sarah Bentz Resources & Links Mentioned

• Readings Referenced: Dare to Lead by Brené Brown
• Therapy Concepts: Gary Landreth's Play Therapy & Choice Language Framework
• Explore the Practice: Learn more about counseling services, workshops, and boundary resources at the Hope & Growth Center.

🧢 Wear Your Boundaries on Your Sleeve! Stop holding secret expectations and start stating your limits clearly! Check out our official podcast store for hats, mugs, travel tumblers, and the fan-favorite ""Stop shoulding on yourself" " t-shirt 👉 Shop the Official Not In My Bucket Merchandise Here

• Email: [email protected]

Connect & Subscribe If this episode helped you spot a hidden or vague expectation in your life, please take a second to like, subscribe, and leave us a review! Share this link with someone who needs a gentle reminder that being clear is the kindest thing they can do today. Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST

In this episode, Sarah Bentz concludes her deep dive into The Very Serious Business Bucket. While the first part explored the rigid external armor and warning signs we construct to hide our internal struggles, Part 2 goes straight to the core of what truly drives this profile: unresolved trauma. Sarah openly rebrands this industrial mop bucket as the "Trauma Bucket," explaining how our past pain constructs false safety nets that ultimately keep us isolated. Sarah breaks down the deep-seated, fear-based motives that keep the box of dirty water camouflaged—ranging from the crippling fear of abandonment to the heavy burden of giving back before doing your own internal work. Ultimately, this episode offers a compassionate roadmap out of rigid legalism and toward the liberating, playful freedom of a simple sand bucket. What You Will Learn:

• Welcome back: Transitioning into the conclusion of the Trauma Bucket series.
• The False Protection Recap: How rigid rules fail to protect us when someone inevitably "plows down the hall".
• Motive #1: The Fear of Loss & Abandonment. How past loss trains our trauma brains to say, "I'll be whatever you need me to be, just don't get close."
• Wounds of the Past: How our brains interpret the death of a loved one as a personal abandonment trigger.
• Motive #2: The Fear of Others' Anger. How walking on eggshells drives a hyper-reactive "fawning" response to protect the self.
• The Irrational Love Equation: Deconstructing the fragile trauma belief that love always requires a "Yes".
• Motive #3: Deep-Seated Guilt. The somatic betrayal of the body during trauma and why young brains assume personal ownership of a perpetrator's actions.
• Motive #4: The Helping Profession Burden. The dangerous urge to run out and rescue others with shared experiences before processing your own pain.
• The 4-Week Shutdown: Sarah shares her early-career experience leading a sexual abuse support group and hitting her own unhealed wall.
• Motive #5: The Middle School Approval Trap. How we use clothes, cars, and blending in to camouflage our inner emptiness from being exposed.
• The Danger of Shallow Water: Why living entirely on a polished exterior leaves you without true lifelines or substance.
• Kicking the Camouflaged Box: What happens when someone gets too close, the box tips over, and an explosive trauma response occurs.
• Modalities of Healing: Sarah discusses her background as a certified EMDR therapist and consultant.
• The Lifelong Journey: Normalizing complex trauma, returning to therapy, and embracing the non-linear process of healing.

Standout Quotes:

• "It's the bucket that you're going to need more help than what you can do on your own to walk through your past."
• "Loving someone means we're going to have some boundaries, and boundaries mean we're going to maybe say no."
• "You can camouflage, but someone's going to kick that box open and it's going to be all over the place... and every time that box gets kicked, it becomes more fragile."
• "You can't make dirty water look good. It's not possible. But man, our motive is to try."
• "We don't have to protect dirty water. The very serious business bucket, as serious as it is, it's kind of silly. It's just a mop bucket. We take it more serious than it deserves."

Resources Mentioned: Trauma Modality Exploration: Learn more about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and find a trauma-informed practitioner. Grab Your Merchandise!

• Official Podcast Merch: Keep your recovery concepts close at hand! Snag the exclusive line of t-shirts, mugs, and hats (featuring the popular Stop Shoulding on Yourself design) with absolute free shipping in the US! Shop the store directly

Let's Connect with Sarah Bentz

• Email: [email protected]
• Website: www.hopeandgrowthcenter.com

Be sure to like and subscribe and share this vital, healing conclusion with a friend who is ready to put down their industrial armor and trade it for a sand bucket! Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST

In this episode, Sarah Bentz introduces a highly guarded and complex profile: The Very Serious Business Bucket. Visualized as an industrial, industrial-strength yellow mop bucket found in a janitor's closet, this bucket is built on wheels, heavily reinforced, and wrapped in strict rules and explicit warnings like Caution: Wet Floor. Sarah reveals the poignant reality behind of the exterior: the rigid guardrails and warnings are actually a form of deep protection to keep people away from the "dirty water" hidden inside. Whether it is early childhood trauma or the paralyzing fear of being blindsided, carrying this heavy burden colors how we view the entire world. Sarah bravely shares her own internal narrative as a recovering survivor, highlighting how unresolved trauma impacts our bodies, blocks deep relationships, and creates false systems of safety. Ultimately, this multi-part series maps out how to abandon industrial armor and rediscover the light, joyful freedom of a simple sand bucket. What You Will Learn:

• Welcome back: Transitioning into the heavy reality of a brand-new bucket type.
• The Yellow Mop Bucket Metaphor: The industrial parts, handles, wheels, and dual water compartments.
• The Warning Signs: Decoding the external Caution signs we post to keep others at a safe distance.
• Unpacking the "Dirty Water": Defining childhood trauma and how its developmental timing shapes identity.
• Guarding against the blindside: How unpredictable past pain forces us to build rigid relationship defenses.
• Fragile Self-Awareness: Why investing entirely in your outer armor leaves the inner self unexamined.
• The Rule Book Trap: Embracing legalism and a hyper-rigid worldview under the illusion of safety.
• The Cost of Intimacy: Overcoming the core shame and fear that if people truly knew you, they would leave.
• Automatic Triggers: Deconstructing irrational trauma responses like Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn.
• Somatic Memory: Tracking how trauma gets physically stored in your face and jaw , neck, shoulders, and pelvic floor.
• The Illusion of Trauma Bonding: The comfort—and hidden hazards—of connecting through shared wounds.
• "I Am Responsible": Sarah opens up about her personal childhood trauma belief and how it manifests as neck pain.
• The Grad School Sofa Story: Recognizing the moment Sarah tried to make her own history look like a badge of strength.
• Finding Help: The critical importance of working exclusively with a trauma-informed, trauma-trained counselor.
• Reclaiming the Sand Bucket: Shedding rigid structures for a bright, cheerful bucket built for play and zero rules.

Standout Quotes:

• "This bucket is full of things that you just don't know what to do with, and you've just been protecting it for your whole entire life."
• "The younger you are that a trauma happened, the more impact it has on your life, your identity, because you were not capable of sifting through that."
• "There is no cognition in trauma... Your response to protecting dirty water doesn't make sense."
• "Every experience goes through the same bucket... and everything that happens, everything we do gets sifted through that trauma."
• "We don't need this very serious business bucket to just protect our dirty water anymore. It's time that we move forward so we can carry that sand bucket."

Grab Your Merchandise!

• Official Podcast Merch: Keep your boundary reminders front and center! Grab the official shirt line (including the fan-favorite Stop Shoulding on Yourself tee) with free shipping in the US! Shop the collection here: Not In My Bucket Merchandise Collection.

Let's Connect with Sarah Bentz

• Email: [email protected]
• Website: www.hopeandgrowthcenter.com

Be sure to like and subscribe and share this deeply honest episode with someone who is ready to unpack their very serious business bucket! Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST

In this episode, Sarah Bentz celebrates a massive milestone: reaching over 500 followers in just five weeks. She expresses deep gratitude to the listeners before wrapping up the final installment of her three-part series on The Collector's Bucket. While the collector's profile represents the painful reality of living without an understanding of boundaries, Sarah reveals that it also holds the greatest potential for beautiful redemption once you learn to clear out the emotional clutter and secure your protective lid. Sarah unpacks the final set of foundational "Boundary Rights," shifting the focus toward real action and accountability. She challenges listeners to stop making life choices based on the heavy, unvetted opinions of others and to embrace the freedom of making mistakes, delaying big decisions, and utilizing "No" as a complete sentence. What You Will Learn:

• Episode milestone: Thanking the community for reaching 500 followers.
• The Journey of Redemption: Shifting from the messy Collector's Bucket to the secure Shaker Sugar Bucket.
• Series Recap: A quick walkthrough of the first eight boundary rights discussed in Parts 1 and 2.
• Boundary Right #9: The right to make choices and mistakes—and take responsibility for them.
• How making choices based on other people's emotional baggage leads to a culture of blame.
• Unpacking Peer Pressure: Why filtering your life through 20 different worldviews and traumas results in poor decisions.
• Boundary Right #10: The right to delay decisions, consider the true cost, and ask for more information.
• Considering the Cost: Paraphrasing the architectural wisdom of analyzing your physical and mental capacities before building.
• Boundary Right #11: The right to state "I don't know" and "I don't understand" without shame.
• Counseling 101: Swapping out judgmental "Why" questions for the empowering phrase, "Help me understand."
• Boundary Right #12: The right to say "Yes" and the right to say "No".
• No is a full sentence: Overcoming the urge to over-explain or defend your limits against external opinions.
• Admitting you are a "recovering people-pleaser" and managing the daily battle of boundary protection.
• Final Series Call to Action: Slicing through your collection of guilt, breathing out, and honoring your inner value.

Standout Quotes:

• "The collector's bucket is that sad bucket... but it has the most redemption when a collector can clean out their bucket and put that lid on that sugar bucket."
• "We have a right to make choices, but we need to make those choices based on what belongs to us."
• "No is a full sentence. You don't owe anybody an explanation of why you say no."
• "We don't give ourselves enough opportunities to say yes in the purest way—in a way that says, 'I've got everything taken care of and a yes is going to work.'"
• "Protect that bucket with everything you have, because what belongs inside is precious. Treat it like it's precious."

Grab Your Merchandise!

• Official Podcast Merch: Support the show and wear your boundaries proudly! Shop the exclusive collection here: Not In My Bucket Merchandise Collection.

Let's Connect with Sarah Bentz

• Email: [email protected]
• Website: www.hopeandgrowthcenter.com

Be sure to like and subscribe and share this three-part series finale with someone ready to put a lid on their bucket! Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST