Notes to Self, Notes to You

Summary:

We discuss the complicated concept of self-love, the kind that feels uncomfortable and requires unlearning a lifetime of self-criticism.  We discuss how our experience conditions our self-love to be "backwards," believing we only deserve kindness when we are productive, strong, or accommodating. We explore why our self-talk often sounds like a critical, disappointed parent, noting that self-love is a skill and practice that is neither natural nor intuitive. We conclude that genuine self-love is not about constant confidence, but about treating ourselves like someone we are responsible for, including allowing rest, grace, and forgiveness for past survival actions. Ultimately, we affirm that self-love is retroactive care and a relationship we build with ourselves, one we are worthy of, even when we are not whole or healed.

Key Quotes:

• "Self- love is so complicated for girls who had to grow up emotionally alone because you don't have a model to copy".
• "Self- love is treating yourself like someone you're responsible for taking care of".
• "You don't have to be whole to be worthy of love, especially when it's your own".

Episode Breakdown

[0:00] Introduction: We open the episode with the note: "take care of your mind like it's your home". We discuss self-love not as the cute, aesthetic version, but as the hard work of unlearning a lifetime of being hard on ourselves.

[0:30] We talk about how growing up without a guiding woman (mom, sister, grandma) means we learned discipline and independence, but missed learning emotional care. We note that nobody taught us how to be gentle with ourselves or that it is okay to have needs, boundaries, or softness.

[1:15] We discuss how this lack of guidance makes our self-love "weird" and "a little backwards". We explore the belief that we only deserve love when we are productive, strong, or accommodating. We talk about realizing this pattern upon seeing how other girls allow themselves to make mistakes without collapsing into shame.

[2:00] We discuss why self-love is complicated when we grew up emotionally alone, lacking a model to copy. We reflect on how our self-talk often ends up sounding like a disappointed, critical parent ("Why are you like this?") rather than asking "What do you need right now?".

[2:45] We emphasize that loving yourself is not natural or intuitive. We confirm it is a skill and practice that must be learned slowly and inconsistently. We discuss that learning this skill requires confronting the ugly parts (insecure, needy, angry) that we learned to hide because nobody knew how to handle them.

[3:30] We clarify that self-love is not about feeling good or confident 24/7. We define it as treating ourselves like someone we are responsible for taking care of. This includes letting ourselves rest, giving ourselves grace on bad days, and forgiving things we did while we were just trying to survive.

[4:30] We discuss the helpful practice of thinking about our younger selves—the little girl who deserved softness and grace. We recognize that she is not the reason we struggle, and we can now give her what she needed. We define self-love as "retroactive care" and repairing, giving ourselves what we needed back then.

[5:15] We conclude that we do not have to be whole, healed, or perfect to love ourselves. We stress that self-love is not a destination, but a relationship and a bond with ourselves. We affirm that we are allowed to take time to build this relationship, and we are worthy of love even with our broken pieces.

Summary:

We discuss the consuming feeling of being "behind". We talk about the sense of constantly improvising adulthood and running late because we missed the "invisible curriculum of girlhood" that others seemed to inherit. We acknowledge the reliance on external sources like Google and random online discussions to learn basic skills, which makes our pace feel wrong. We emphasize the truth that we are not behind; we are building ourselves from the ground up. We reframe this necessity not as a failure, but as resilience, survival, and resourcefulness. We conclude that our pace is a foundation, recognizing that girls who grow slowly grow deeply, and that our big future simply requires us to be steady, not fast.

Key Quotes:

• "You're not behind. You're just building yourself from the ground up."
• "It takes time to build things that you didn't inherit."
• "Girls who grow slowly grow deeply."
• "Big futures don't require fast people. They require steady people."

Episode Breakdown

[0:00] We open the episode by discussing the consuming feeling of being "behind" in life, whether it’s in healing, confidence, or adulthood, a feeling often experienced by girls who grew up without a guiding woman around them. We note that growing up without feminine influence disrupts our internal timeline, making us feel like we are "winging literally everything" while others were "handed these instructions".

[1:00] We talk about the feeling of running behind the group, chasing milestones we didn't know existed. We reflect on the confusion of wondering how everyone else knows basic skills, such as how to do their hair, set boundaries, or talk kindly to themselves. We discuss having to rely on Googling things, which makes our self-taught pacing feel slow and "off".

[1:45] We share the essential truth that we are not behind; we are just building ourselves from the ground up. We compare life to a race where some people had help "tying their laces," while we had to figure out what shoelaces even were.

[2:30] We affirm that having to teach ourselves is not shameful or a failure; it is resilience, survival, and resourcefulness. We discuss the "invisible curriculum of girlhood" (including feminine confidence, self-soothing, and understanding emotions) that we missed and had to learn later from YouTube, TikTok, and trial and error.

[3:15] We conclude that timing is not a reflection of our worth, intelligence, or potential; it just means our path is different. We emphasize the importance of letting the idea sink in that girls who grow slowly grow deeply, growing with intention, awareness, and depth.

[4:00] We observe that people rarely see the silent work we are doing every day, including the late-night overthinking, the emotional skills learned from scratch, and the old habits we are unlearning. We confirm that this slow momentum is progress, growth, and momentum.

[5:00] We reassure the audience that they are not stuck or failing; they are becoming, and becoming takes time. We conclude that our big future is not going to disappear, as big futures require steady people, not fast people.

[5:45] We finish with a note to the audience: Our past shapes us, not defines us. We affirm that every step forward is progress and that our life is still unfolding, our timing is still valid, and our huge future is waiting for us at our pace.

Summary:

We discuss the concept of softness, recognizing the challenge of learning to be a person with feelings after a lifetime of strength. We discuss how we learned to hide every soft part of ourselves because it felt out of place and led us to become low-maintenance. We redefine softness, realizing it is strength that trusts and is unafraid, not the opposite of being strong. We conclude that softness is a necessary practice where true healing occurs, requiring us to give ourselves permission to rest and be gentle, thereby allowing us to truly live our adult lives.

Key Quotes:

• "Softness is this language that nobody in your house ever spoke".
• "Softness isn't the opposite of strength. It's a part of it".
• "Strength got me through childhood. But softness is what's going to help me actually live my adulthood".

Episode Breakdown

[0:00] Introduction: We open the episode discussing the active, daily process of trying to figure out how to be soft and learning to be a person with feelings. We reflect on the odd experience of growing up without a strong female figure, noting the missing "pathway on how to be a girl".

[0:45]  We discuss how, especially for girls raised by single fathers, strength is learned automatically, like the alphabet. We talk about learning to be tough and practical because emotions just weren't in that guide. We explore how this environment led to crying being a forbidden thing and the development of survival habits, like the body shutting down when feeling emotional pressure.

[1:30]  We reflect on the shock of seeing girls online literally talking about their feelings out loud, realizing we were never told this was possible. We note the absence of a "middle school emotional check-in" and discuss learning everything about tenderness from YouTube tutorials, which we conclude is not a safe or real education.

[2:30]  We talk about how being raised in a male-dominated house taught us to hide every soft part of ourselves because it felt out of place. We discuss becoming low-maintenance, learning to stop needing comfort, and feeling disconnected from ourselves as a result.

[3:15] We introduce the core idea that softness isn't the opposite of strength; it is "strength that trusts" and is unafraid to take off its armor. We acknowledge that learning this has been harder than any strong thing we've ever had to do.

[3:45]  We explore why being soft is actually harder than being strong—it requires vulnerability. We discuss that swallowing feelings and moving on were just survival skills, and softness requires us to sit with ourselves and admit that we are tired.

[4:30] We conclude that softness is where healing actually happens. This involves crying, admitting hurt without apologizing, and giving ourselves permission to break a little bit. We note that being hard all the time is exhausting and lonely.

[5:30] We affirm that we deserve comfort, gentleness, and softness, even if our childhood made us tough. We stress that softness is a practice—practicing giving ourselves breaks and letting our guard down, recognizing that we are not a robot or a wall.

[6:30]  We conclude that learning softness takes real courage, more than pretending to be unbothered. We share the crucial realization that while strength got us through childhood, softness is what will help us actually live our adulthood. We affirm that being gentle with ourselves is how healing begins.

Summary:

This is a personal episode discussing the challenges of having to navigate major life experiences, such as getting a period for the first time, with a very confused and uncomfortable dad. Due to the lack of open conversation at home and the idea that certain topics (like menstruation and emotions) were taboo, we relied heavily on external sources like Google, YouTube, and, most importantly, social media. 

Key Quotes:

• "I thought it was a taboo topic, something that you had to be hush hush about..."
• "No one ever told me, 'Hey, you can be strong and still have feelings.' I had to learn that on my own..."
• "Social media basically became my older sister. That's how I learned almost everything that no one at home ever talked about."
• "You can't blame yourself for not knowing what no one taught you."

Episode Breakdown:

[0:00] Introduction: A Personal Episode: We discuss growing up as a girl in a house with just your dad, noting there was no "proper guide" or "here's what you're going to deal with" talk.

[0:30] The Awkward Period Talk: We recount getting how I got my period for the first time; I knew the science, but my dad found the experience uncomfortable and didn't want to talk about it. His advice was limited to "Just just tell me what you need to buy".

[1:00] Puberty Misconceptions and Self-Education: Since conversation was limited, we had to figure things out alone using Google, YouTube, and random advice from friends. I talk about how I was 13 when she started and was surprised, as I thought periods started around age 16.

[3:00] Community Building and Emotional Suppression: Open conversation helps break stereotypes that women can't have health issues, and it helps build community. We talk about emotions being "all over the place" on your period. This was complicated by being raised by a man who was "really big on not doing feelings".

[3:45] Dad's Emotional Advice: "Be Strong": My dad's emotional advice was always "be strong" and nothing else; there was no talk about how to be strong or that being sad doesn't mean you're weak. The result was not knowing how to feel her emotions, often feeling like a failure or weak when crying.

[4:45] Learning How to Have Feelings and Be Strong: We reflect that no one told us, "Hey, you can be strong and still have feelings," a difficult lesson we have to learn on our own. We now should make it a point to say out loud that "You're allowed to cry," and that needing love, attention, or comfort does not make one weak; it makes one human.

[5:30] Social Media as an Older Sister: We learned almost everything we needed (handling cramps, self-care, healthy friendships, how to say no) from "random women on Tik Tok, YouTube, and Instagram". Social media basically became an "older sister".

[6:30] The Challenge of Trust and Taboos: My dad often advised, "you can't tell everybody everything," leading me to not trust anyone. Society often tells people not to discuss periods, mental health, or the need to feel loved. We are against suffering in silence, stating that talking about needing a break or hating cramps is just "living honestly".

[8:15] Final Lesson: You Are Not Behind: We used to feel "dumb for not knowing these things" because they seemed basic (like how to shave or what emotions mean). "You can't blame yourself for not knowing what no one taught you". If you're still learning things others seem to know, "You're not behind. You're just learning in your own order".

[8:45] Conclusion: Passing It Forward: We talk about the message we wish we had heard: You can be emotional and still be strong; you can be independent and still need help. Talking about real things doesn't make you "too much," it makes you brave.

Summary: Welcome back to Notes to Self, Notes to You, a space for learning to live peacefully in your body. This episode challenges the idea that full self-love is required for inner peace, arguing that you don't need to love your body every day to respect it. We discuss dealing with personal insecurities, including weight struggles and living with Erb's palsy. The key is to stop negative comparisons and treat your body kindly because it is keeping you alive and has carried you through every version of yourself. Ultimately, your body is a home you cannot move out of, and it is a story still being written, not a problem to fix.

Key Quotes:

"Note to self, you don't need to love your body every day to respect it."

"I think not thinking negatively about your body and comparing it negatively to other people is the peak of your self-image."

"Your body is not a problem to fix. It is a story that is still being written just like your future and just like your life."

"Your body is ever changing and it's going to grow with you. You don't have to love your body to treat it kindly."

Episode Breakdown:

00:00 – Intro/Theme: learning to live softly in bodies that have carried us through so much. 

00:45 – The Inner Conflict: Discussing the head as an "echo chamber of insecurity" versus the body's simple requests (e.g., "I'm tired," "I'm hungry"). 

01:30 – Media and False Ideas: Challenging the media's idea that we must love ourselves fully to be at peace; being neutral or grateful is enough. 

02:15 – Peak Self-Image: Defining peak self-image as not comparing your body negatively to others and having an understanding that you only get one body.

 03:00 – Personal Struggle: Sharing experiences struggling with weight and having Erb's palsy, which can make activities like pep squad difficult and cause insecurity. 

04:15 – Different Beats: Realizing the body has its own beat and that insecurity is just "another sound in a chorus of people who are comparing themselves to each other". 

05:00 – Insecurity is Normal: Stating that every person you see has thoughts about their own body; it's normal to look in the mirror and want to change something. 

05:45 – Your Body is Home: Highlighting that the body is a childhood home you cannot move out of, and it deserves gentleness because it is keeping you alive.

07:30 – Conclusion: Encouraging listeners to care for their body so it can take care of the "loud echo chamber" in the mind; the body is a story still being written.

Summary: This episode addresses women and girls who grew up without a prominent female figure, sharing the experience of navigating girlhood and identity with a supportive single father. We describe the difficulty of defining femininity through an extended "awkward phase" of copying others, eventually realizing that creating a unique identity requires building a blueprint from scratch through trial and error.  This shows that there is no right or wrong way to be feminine and encourages listeners who feel behind to trust their journey, knowing they are right on time. 

Key Quotes: "Note to self, it's okay to not have it all figured out." 

"I was just borrowing bits and pieces of their personalities, of their looks, of how they act to try to build something that felt like me. And it never landed." 

"I really didn't need anyone else's blueprint and I could just build one from scratch because at the end of the day, the only person who's going to be affected by who you are is you." 

"So maybe I didn't grow up with a woman showing me how to be feminine. But I grew up with a space to become one in my own time and in my own way." 

"You didn't miss your chance to become who you're supposed to be. You're still right on time." 

Episode Breakdown: 00:00 – Introduction/Thesis: Host welcomes listeners and introduces the topic: growing into a woman without a prominent female figure present. She mentions the struggles of figuring out things like makeup and periods alone. 

01:30 – Dad’s Best Efforts: Discussion of how my single dad tried his best to be supportive, buying things and attending events, but ultimately did not understand the specifics of my interests. I recall odd fashion phases, like the "godforsaken suspenders era," and a realization that I only knew my shoe size in boys' sizes. 

03:00 (Estimate) – The Awkward Phase: Describing the extended awkward phase of trying to find identity because there was no one to "carve my path or show me the way". This involved copying girls at school and influencers, borrowing personalities and looks that never felt genuine. 

05:00 (Estimate) – Learning and Growth: Reflecting that the awkward phase was not a failure but necessary learning and growth, realizing I could build my own identity blueprint from scratch. 

06:30 (Estimate) – A Unique Blueprint: How my version of femininity is "sewn together from trial and error and curiosity". Appreciation for my dad, who never applied too many labels and simply liked seeing me own my identity. 

08:00 (Estimate) – Note to Listener/Conclusion: Offering reassurance that listeners are not alone or behind in their growth journey. Reminding them that a non-traditional path is simply their story, which they must own. 

Keywords/Tags: Single Dad, Femininity, Identity, Girlhood, Self-Worth, Awkward Phase, Growing Up 

Resources/Links: No specific resources or links (such as websites, books, or social media handles) were mentioned in the provided excerpts. 

Call to Action: Take your time, trust yourself and your journey, and remember you are exactly where you need to be. 

In this episode, you'll be introduced to the concept of our podcast, where we talk about growing up with a single father or without a strong female figure. We'll dive into self-expression, identity, our own definition of femininity, and more.