In our first episode, I—Dr. Andrea Wagner—start at the beginning of what became the most unexpected, intense, and complicated turning point of my life: how Samuel and I met.
Sam was my student. That’s the truth, and yes, it’s messy. I talk openly about the timeline, the way our connection grew, and how what began inside the formal structure of a university classroom eventually evolved into something far more personal. Today, we’re dating, and the relationship exists under circumstances that some people will call controversial before they even try to understand it—especially because I’m still married. I don’t dodge how scandalous that sounds. I sit with it, explain it, and unpack the ways that private lives collide with public expectations, institutional judgment, and the politics of reputation.
But the story doesn’t stop with romance or scandal—it deepens into something much darker and more life-altering.
For my 40th birthday, I decided to do something I thought would be harmless: I got Botox. What followed wasn’t just a bad cosmetic experience or a few uncomfortable days. It became a physical and psychological collapse that lasted a year and a half—an exhausting stretch of sickness, panic, confusion, and disorientation that I’m still recovering from. In this episode, I describe what happened to my body, what happened to my mind, and how terrifying it is to feel yourself slipping away while the world keeps insisting you’re “fine.”
We talk about Botox, botulism, and the spectrum of reactions and complications people rarely discuss honestly. I share what my symptoms felt like, how they unfolded over time, what I learned the hard way, and what it’s like to be trapped inside an invisible medical crisis where certainty is impossible and reassurance is thin.
And then comes the part that might hurt the most: support—or the absence of it.
I reflect on who showed up for me, who didn’t, and how quickly “concern” turns into avoidance when your suffering becomes inconvenient. I talk about the reality of seeking help through Canadian institutions, including the kinds of responses universities and professional structures offer when someone is unwell in a way that doesn’t fit cleanly into policy language. What happens when the system can’t categorize your crisis? When you’re sick, vulnerable, and still expected to perform like nothing is wrong?
Along the way, we explore bigger questions—because I can’t tell this story without politics.
We talk about Canadian values, and the tension between the comforting myth of communal care and the colder reality of individual risk. I bring in the idea of Gemeinschaft vs. Gesellschaft: the difference between a society built on shared bonds and mutual responsibility versus one organized around contracts, status, and institutional self-protection. And we connect that to class, dating, and the working-class instincts that shape how people love, survive, and defend each other when things fall apart.
Our first episode is honest, raw, sometimes funny in the way trauma can be, and sometimes hard to hear—because it’s not just about Botox or romance. It’s about what happens when your life fractures, when the narratives around you get louder than your own voice, and when you’re forced to rebuild yourself while the system watches from a safe distance.
This is where it starts.
Link to Anna Hristova's Article on Botox induced Botulism: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22920316/
