One Day You Finally Knew: For Folx Breaking Away

Before I begin describing this episode, I apologize for the dip in sound quality today. Something is wrong with either my microphone or my computer (computer wiz can't come to sort it out till Tuesday). I decided it was better to choose to record an episode with less than optimal sound quality than skip a week.  Hopefully, you'll agree!  

Now to the good stuff:

Because so much of my work experience has been with people who identify as women, that's become my specialty. So it's who I had in mind when I started this podcast two months ago.

But then I realized that I was unintentionally excluding people who might benefit from the podcast but would find "A Podcast For Women" to be less than welcoming. It wasn't sitting right in my belly, and every week, I felt worse about it. 

I've said it before, and I'll repeat it.

I want there to be a place for everyone. 

I mean, even cishet white dudes are welcome to listen to the pod.  Frankly, maybe it's a move away from toxic masculinity, and I support that. 

Though it's profoundly sad, women who call themselves feminists can be exclusionary of other marginalized communities. It doesn't make sense because women know what it's like to be marginalized, and yet. . . those who have been victimized can also become oppressors. 

None of that here, none of that.  Again, the great  Maya Angelou's words ring true:

"When you know better, you do better."

I sat with it. I researched it and I consulted with a lovely human by the name of E, who identifies as non-binary. 

Now I know better.  So, I'm doing better.

Welcome to "One Day You Finally Knew: A Podcast for Folx Breaking Away."

May it be of benefit.  

P.S.   You'll get this after you listen, but it's spelled: bor·bo·ryg·mus

/ˌbôrbəˈriɡməs/

noun
TECHNICAL

1. a rumbling or gurgling noise made by the movement of fluid and gas in the intestines.

• Also, Ibram X. Kendi is an anti-racist educator who wrote How To Be An Antiracist, which I highly recommend. 

• Roxy Manning is a nonviolent communication practitioner and teacher, and I highly recommend her courses on working with racial microaggressions. 

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The One Day You Finally Knew: For Folx Breaking Away podcast is produced and edited by Jessica Chasnoff, a recovering perfectionist who is always on a learning curve. While she is a psychologist, this podcast is not a substitute for mental health services. If you're struggling with mental health concerns, please reach out to a professional near you.

Connect with Jessica:


 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/your_deepest_presence/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100070192401240
Website: https://www.DeepestPresence.com

During the annual week away in the mountains with the doggos,  on retreat Jessica reflects on the need for rest, not just for proper digestion of physical food, but to digest new emotional, psychological, and energetic material.

In this episode, she talks about the need for rest and how it is essential now more than ever.  When we step away from the grind (even for brief periods), we can more fully digest the new information coming at us all the time.

Oh,  you think your nervous system isn't dealing with new material right now?  If you have a manual on living in the COVID times, let Jessica know because she would like that information!

Jessica also talks about sleep, particularly sleep hygiene, which, when engaged with, can help you fall asleep and stay there. She offers some mindfulness tips for those times when you wake up at the witching hour with your brain all twirly. 

She also reminds us that a particular rest is available to white folx that is not available to folx of color. Jessica is aware that she won't be pulled over for "driving while Black" or experience racial profiling when walking in particular neighborhoods.  She discusses her awareness of this white privilege and how new learning (and unlearning the old) can be clunky but is part of anti-racist education and we can be both open to the learning and gentle with ourselves. Finally, she talks about rest as resistance and rest as warriorship and encourages us to make sure that our talking about rest is genuine and not performative. 

P.S. Jessica refers to  "the beddy,"  when discussing sleep hygiene and if it wasn't obvious before, it'll be crystal clear now that hers is a dog's life (and yes, they sleep in her beddy).

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The One Day You Finally Knew: For Women Breaking Away podcast is produced and edited by Jessica Chasnoff, a recovering perfectionist who is always on a learning curve. While she is a psychologist, this podcast is not a substitute for mental health services. If you're struggling with mental health concerns, please reach out to a professional near you.

Connect with Jessica:


 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/your_deepest_presence/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100070192401240
Website: https://www.DeepestPresence.com

Thanks to the patriarchy, folx of all genders have been indoctrinated into the belief that women were put on this planet to nurture others. Moreover, when women choose to care for themselves, they're seen as selfish. Is it any wonder we're just a teensy bit resentful about being assigned that role?!

In this episode, Jessica breaks it all down and shares her willingness to put her self-care above everyone else's, even the peeps she loves the most. Because caring for others is how she makes a living, but caring for herself (and her dogs) is how she makes a life.  She offers a couple of powerful quotes on resentment, both suggesting that resentment is akin to eating poison and hoping the other person dies.

Nope. Doesn't work that way. You're the one who's gonna take it in the shorts, sis.

Newsflash: Those in your world will take whatever you give them. And yes, the world needs help, but if you're going to make the work sustainable for you, you must fill your cup first. The paradox is this. You can't truly offer yourself to others from a cup that is empty. The fuller your vessel, the more you have to give.  (You also can't keep giving folx a straw while you're trying to fill your cup.)

If you want to be able to give joyfully and without resentment, you must have a self-care plan in place, and be able to engage in it unapologetically.  Jessica offers tips on how to do this and shares some very personal limitations she's liberated herself from feeling bad about.

P.S. If you're a bit squeamish about puke, hearses, or the gubernatorial recall in California, maybe don't listen while you're lunching.

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The One Day You Finally Knew: For Women Breaking Away podcast is produced and edited by Jessica Chasnoff, a recovering perfectionist who is always on a learning curve. While she is a psychologist, this podcast is not a substitute for mental health services. If you're struggling with mental health concerns, please reach out to a professional near you.

Connect with Jessica:


 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/your_deepest_presence/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100070192401240
Website: https://www.DeepestPresence.com

Research has shown the importance of cultivating  "sister of the heart" relationships and how they can improve our physical, emotional, and psychological health. But what happens when we realize a friendship is no longer nourishing us? In these COVID times, our social circles have naturally narrowed. We've let go of friends, and they've let go of us.  We're realizing that we don't have the time or the energy for what isn't nurturing and life-giving. 

This episode can help you determine if perhaps it's time to let go of a friendship, and offers a sweet reminder that you don't need to feel guilty about breaking away, because ultimately if that friend isn't for you, you're not for them either.

Jessica shares her thoughts on how to let go when you're not getting your needs met, soothing yourself after someone lets you go, taking yourself off the hook for ghosting a friend when it's exactly what's needed, and a Rumi inspired aspiration for not making anyone the bad guy. 
 
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The One Day You Finally Knew: For Women Breaking Away podcast is produced and edited by Jessica Chasnoff,  a recovering perfectionist who is always on a learning curve.  While she is a psychologist, this podcast is not a substitute for mental health services. If you're struggling with mental health concerns, please reach out to a professional near you.

Connect with Jessica:

 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/your_deepest_presence/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100070192401240
Website: https://www.DeepestPresence.com 

Negative thoughts about yourself come out of nowhere. You mind your own business, and before you know it, BAM! A giant, intrusive shitty thought about yourself has arrived. As soon as these thoughts show up, they shove themselves all up in your business, then run rampant through your brain like the proverbial bull in a china shop.

These thoughts can be Stage 5 Clingers, and it's important to remember that they're never going to go away completely.  To be fair. . . Breaking Away(ish) From Negative Self-Talk should be the title of this episode.  (Wink)

In this episode, Jessica shares some steps to help you keep these bullies at bay. You can work more easily with these bugbears through awareness, labeling the thoughts, gentle reminders not to believe every thought you think, acknowledgment, and setting boundaries with your own beautiful brain.

Jessica also spontaneously breaks out in song, which is a thing that happens from time to time, reminding you to be gentle (always!) with yourself in this process, and inviting you to "pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again" whenever you find yourself caught in a torrent of untruthful talk!
 
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The One Day You Finally Knew: For Women Breaking Away podcast is produced and edited by Jessica Chasnoff,  a recovering perfectionist who is always on a learning curve.  While she is a psychologist, this podcast is not a substitute for mental health services. If you're struggling with mental health concerns, please reach out to a professional near you.

Connect with Jessica:

 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/your_deepest_presence/
Twitter: http://Twitter.com/@deepestpresence
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100070192401240
Website: https://www.DeepestPresence.com 

When something terrible in the world happens that isn't directly happening to us, we have a choice. We can look away, deciding it's too much pain to take in and feel. Or, we can keep looking, deciding to let the pain of the world pierce our hearts and let it be a call to action.

If you're someone for whom taking in the pain makes it too much for you to get through your days with at least some moments of peace, you must find the middle way.

The middle way means avoiding the extremes in life. Life is always going to be full of polarities. Contrast and complement are crucial to living. No light without dark. No joy without pain.
We must practice the middle way if we're going to make it through this world; our horrible, gorgeous, profane, sacred, fucked up, perfect world.

We can't look away. But we can't let the looking destroy us.

In this episode, Jessica talks about ways that we can strike this balance, including choosing wisely how you get your information and how to get curious about what other food you're giving your head. She includes resources to help and reminds you that even the smallest donation still makes a difference toward alleviating suffering. She shares some things you can do to feel less helpless, hopeless, and immobilized.   And also includes her belief that taking breaks can be a part of essential boundary setting; that it can refresh you and helps you to get back into the world with more generosity. 

Links for helping Afghan refugees:

No One Left Behind: https://www.nooneleft.org
Chartering flights and helping with Special Immigration Visas (SIVs)

International Refugee Assistance Project: http://www.refugeerights.org
Providing legal resources for Afghan refugees 

Together Rising: https://www.togetherrising.org
Presently giving donations to Women For Afghan Women (WAW)  @womenforafghanwomen on IG, who are working around the clock in Kabul to provide emergency services and continue crucial programs for Afghan women, children, and families.
 
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The One Day You Finally Knew: For Women Breaking Away podcast is produced and edited by Jessica Chasnoff,  a recovering perfectionist who is always on a learning curve.  While she is a psychologist, this podcast is not a substitute for mental health services. If you're struggling with mental health concerns, please reach out to a professional near you.

Connect with Jessica:

 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/your_deepest_presence/
Twitter: http://Twitter.com/@deepestpresence
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100070192401240
Website: https://www.DeepestPresence.com 

So many of us have a little girl that lives inside our hearts. A little girl who could not show the world who she was when we were young because she was misunderstood, told she was too sensitive, and potentially ostracized from peer groups and family.  Maybe she was banished from the lunch table.

So, that little girl got small to meet the needs and desires of others who didn't have the capacity to meet her needs.  It takes self-compassion to cradle that little girl inside. And it takes courage to finally break away from not being yourself, as a grown woman.

In this episode, Jessica tells the story of the little girl who lives in her heart; the little girl she's learned how to love by letting go of the messaging she received through much of her life that she was too much.
 
Also, some thoughts on how fucking up is a necessary part of self-growth, and will most definitely be a part of the anti-racist work that white women are being called to do right now.  It helps if we can do this work together, as amazing women keeping each other honest.  Jessica is committed to showing you her flaws as she grows, with the hopes that you won't be afraid to do the same.

And if you are afraid, that's okay. Jessica is too.  But let's do it anyway. Together.

P.S. The red pills Jessica mentions taking are a reference to The Matrix.  Not actual red pills.   

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The One Day You Finally Knew: For Women Breaking Away podcast is produced and edited by Jessica Chasnoff,  a recovering perfectionist who is always in a learning curve.  While she is a psychologist, this podcast is not psychotherapy, and is not a substitute for mental health services. If you're struggling with mental health concerns, please reach out to a professional near you.

Connect with Jessica:

 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/your_deepest_presence/
Twitter: http://Twitter.com/@deepestpresence
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100070192401240
Website: https://www.DeepestPresence.com   

Deciding to leave something (or someone) is a creative process. It doesn't happen overnight.  We must sit and steep in the possibilities, spend the necessary time contemplating the actions, and only then can we make our move. The breaking away is the outcome, but it can't happen without the process. This is a gestational process. Nothing gets born without being gestated first, whether it's an actual living being, or an idea wanting to get birthed into the world. 

This process, however, will be interrupted if we leave out a deeply important piece, which is to understand that before we actually make the decision to move, we have to sit and dream into what it is that we're wanting. We then must feel the uncomfortable feelings that come along with that. We need to allow ourselves to really go deeply into that place; the place where what wants to die gets eaten, gets metabolized, gets transformed. Only then do we arrive at a place where we can make a decision and go forward. 

We must include before we can transcend, sweet ones. 

In today's episode, we invite ourselves to sit and simmer in all the feelings that are coming up for us, whatever it is we're working with, getting curious about this as a PROCESS. This inner work has its own timeline, and we must be patient while it is creating the space, the bandwidth for you to be able to dive into what your deepest presence wants next.  

Jessica also does her best Veruca Salt impression, which sadly sounds a bit more like Mrs. Doubtfire, and she pays homage to Dr. "Bones" McCoy.   

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The One Day You Finally Knew: For Women Breaking Away podcast is mixed and produced by Jessica Chasnoff,  a recovering perfectionist who is always in a learning curve.  While she is a psychologist, this podcast is not psychotherapy, and is not a substitute for mental health services. If you're struggling with mental health concerns, please reach out to a professional near you.

Connect with Jessica:

 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/your_deepest_presence/
Twitter: http://Twitter.com/@deepestpresence
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100070192401240
Website: https://www.DeepestPresence.com   

The glorious monsoon Tucson is having this summer has Jessica thinking about hydration. After a good long soak, you can almost hear the desert flora and fauna sighing with relief.  What would happen if we got to have our own sigh? If we slowed down and really appreciated how fortunate we are to have clean water to drink?  Can't be anything but good!  A sweet, little combination meditation and gratitude practice awaits you here.

P.S. Jessica takes the risk of burping into the microphone because she insists on drinking fizzy water, despite it being a podcaster no-no.  Can she make it through this little bonus episode without a colossal belch?

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The One Day You Finally Knew: For Women Breaking Away podcast is mixed and produced by Jessica Chasnoff,  a recovering perfectionist who is always in a learning curve.  While she is a psychologist, this podcast is not psychotherapy, and is not a substitute for mental health services. If you're struggling with mental health concerns, please reach out to a professional near you.

Connect with Jessica:

 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/your_deepest_presence/
Twitter: http://Twitter.com/@deepestpresence
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100070192401240
Website: https://www.DeepestPresence.com   

As women, we've been indoctrinated into believing the misogynist demand that once we've consented to something, we don't have the right to change our minds. But, consent is not a constant. If we listen closely to what our body is telling us, moment to moment, about situations and relationships we're currently in, we often realize our bodies are no longer giving consent for us to be in them.

This week, Jessica talks about giving ourselves permission to say no after we initially gave a yes.  And how to sit with a maybe. There's no shame in the realization you don't want to be doing something any longer. Needing to set it down, for your own health, your own heart, doesn't mean you're fickle. It means you're listening to your ever-evolving needs, at the organismic level,  instead of at the personality mind level--which, for women, has meant being inculcated to not disappoint others.  Hey, changing your mind to meet your needs is world work. (Shout out to the magnificent Simone Biles!)  How can we be a species that evolves if we don't allow ourselves to change when change is required of us?

In this episode, you'll learn how to get curious about what your body is needing NOW, and how to gently work with the information it's giving you.  What sensations do you notice when you're consenting to something?  What sensations do you notice when you're not?

Jessica also muses aloud on what her heartburn would sound like, if it had a voice.

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The One Day You Finally Knew: For Women Breaking Away podcast is mixed and produced by Jessica Chasnoff, a recovering perfectionist who is always in a learning curve.  While she is a psychologist, this podcast is not psychotherapy, and is not a substitute for mental health services. If you're struggling with mental health concerns, please reach out to a professional near you.

Connect with Jessica:

 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/your_deepest_presence/
Twitter: http://Twitter.com/@deepestpresence
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100070192401240
Website: https://www.DeepestPresence.com