I’ve done an awful lot of round penning. The idea of this handy enclosure is that a horse can MOVE, which horses really love to do, while ideally the human stands pretty much in the middle and directs direction, gait, speed, and so forth.

This is very safe, because there are no corners to get caught in for either party, and the horse can really stretch their legs without going way off and losing all connection to the little herd of two that is hopefully being created.

There are all sorts of things one can do in a round pen, and I’ve often (often!) wished there was a similar sort of room for kids who need to move a lot but can’t quite contain their intensity in crowded situations (classrooms, and sometimes even in a gym). However, sensory rooms can be used to really good effect as long as the adult in charge is willing to set up a circuit of suitable fun obstacles and play movement challenges that can be repeated until the child is truly tired out and happy to sit (and maybe focus?).

I digress. Well, not really, because the point of this video, as always, is to create some parallels between how I work with my horse, and how I work with myself, my inner team, and then…other people. It’s all really the same, isn’t it?

Anyway, like any tool, a round pen can be used for wonderful and terrible purposes. It completely depends on the person. (The horse, of course, is always perfect!). I’ve used the round pen mostly (I think, anyway) for good solid education, assessment, and safe energy discharge. Sometimes, though, I’ve drifted.

The fact is, any time there is a teaching situation, there can also be a hierarchy that involves more than just the educational dynamic. Power sneaks in, and dominance tactics are always there, just so very attractive and easy to use. It’s confusing, to say the least, when I “need” you to do something, and you decide not to, and I have the means and the strength (and the will) to make you do it. A round pen allows me to use a whip and intimidation to run a horse as far and as fast as I like, and sometimes this can go pretty far, if I’m looking for a response the horse doesn’t want to give. That’s an ugly use of a tool.

The problem isn’t with the horse. The problem is my goal. I’m trying to make someone learn. Make someone do. Control the other’s movements, responses, sometimes even their emotional expression. (Have you ever had someone tell you to apologize to someone else? It’s really quite the extreme level of emotional pirating! And even if you do it, say, to keep your job, you don’t mean it, and now you have even more injuries to ruminate over at night…).

What I intend to do with my energy matters an awful lot as to whether my energy results in a reduction of the (metaphorical) space between us, or the building up of mistrust, miscommunication, and consequent misdirection of intention on the other party’s side (probably directly proportional to my misdirection of intent).

So. I’m trying to be extremely, precisely, and patiently clear with what I’m trying to teach - which is not performance on demand, but rather comprehension of what I’m trying to say. I’m going to assume a willing and cooperative and ready frame of mind - not because I demand it, but because I’ve done the work to set that up. My horse has her needs met prior to trying to learn, not conditional to learning. This works well with any being (I really believe this to be true - and that’s a whole set of posts there…but not today).

Furthermore, I’m committed now to listening. If my horse has an opinion, I want to hear it. Maybe I disagree, but wouldn’t it be great if she felt safe sharing? Sometimes I can say - huh. Well, I didn’t consider that. Let’s go with what you’re asking for. Other times I will say no. Not now. Or not yet. Or not ever (if it’s a harmful idea). I’m in the position of caring for her, and at times, she will be in the position of (in limited but crucial ways) caring for me. If I’m going to ask her to learn my language, read my cues, and respond with enthusiasm, it’s only fair that I try to do the same for her. We’re partners, after all, not a guard and an inmate (or similarly unbalanced hierarchy).

This requires me to humble myself, watch her closely (she talks with her body), slow down a lot, question if I think I heard her say something, and shift my plan to take into account her perspective, pace, and positive offers of a “try.” And that all works much better (so much better!) if I can pull out Draw and Soak energies, to complement my considerable enthusiasm with Drive.

I really hesitate to draw other parallels to situations you as a reader may find yourself in, as I hope these occur to you naturally, as you watch us slowly get better at “talking” a mixture of horse/human speak. However, for all the therapists and educators out there (my “people”), can you see how shifting a priority on a learner-centred outcome (they will demonstrate such and such) to a partner-centred outcome (we will demonstrate that we can do such and such with these cues and supports…) might change the level of frustration for some teachers, therapists, and most importantly learners?

The thing is, our brains are wired to learn. Learning is like eating, for a brain. We love it. It’s all good. Setting up a situation that involves new information being added to a developing brain should technically be incredibly easy. However, we tend to add in other stuff: performance demands, behavioural demands, emotional pressure, speed changes, fast transitions, garbled communication, and all sorts of distractions or empty space that just begs to be run away into. Sooner or later fear creeps in, then tensions escalate, the conversation becomes a set of commands and orders, and learning? Well, it’s out the window. (Or round pen.)

So while this is just a fun little lesson with my very happy and willing horse, there’s possibly a lot going on that could (conceivably) give you tools to change some of the sticky situations you may find yourself in - when attempting to care for, teach, provide therapy to, or simply love another human being.

For me, how I treat my horse is a deep, clear window into how I treat my self. And how I treat myself will always affect how I treat everyone else.

It’s all the same thing.

Anyway, enjoy the video! I certainly enjoyed this day.

Boundaries are part of the mainstream vocabulary now, but I still tend to think about them as either suits of armour (or PPE, like a firefighter would wear), or a fairly well-constructed wall. These images both imply solidity, some rigidity, and quite a lot of constraint on both sides. I get that boundaries are necessary, but I need a story that is a little easier to flex into my daily life. I simply do not usually have a lot of room for such stationary definers of space.

I’m thinking now about how balancing Drive and Draw energies may provide nearly the same level of safety as an external border, and how this way of visualizing my edges gives me a little more “play” in the use of said border. I want to do stuff “with” others, but I want to stay safe while doing so. Wearing a suit of armour is so bulky and unfriendly. Staying locked in a castle is equally unattractive. What about this lovely fall day, and the prospect of going for a long walk through it, with you?

Rather than the highly militarized metaphors of boundaries as protective armour and/or defensive structures, I’d like to propose thinking about balancing our energy as its own worth-enhancing, communication-building, and energy-efficient solution to the predatory or passive extremes of interaction.

Balance, of course, looks easy when someone is truly balanced, but is much harder to pull off in real life. I challenge you to get good at it standing still with another being (2 or 4 legs - your choice), but the real test is if you (or I) can stay balanced, with another, while on a walk!

Have fun with this story in your own life this week. There are two sides to every fence, both of them good.

Happy Friday!

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There’s coping. I’m familiar with that.

There’s living. Not so much.

In so many ways, hard times are easier for me. They require my Drive energy to be turned on, constantly, with perseverance. I can do that. In so many contexts, this is actually preferable for me, in my fight to stay unaware, or maybe less aware, of my larger feelings. Moving, moving, moving…that is an antidote for a lot of emotional awareness, that’s for sure.

Here I am, though, on a beautiful morning, with no particular adversity to speak of, and what’s seeping into my awareness here is…joy. Not even just a little bit of happiness. Nope, it’s large, and scary, and potentially overwhelming to my fragile ability to manage the more positive, the more colourful, explosive, and energizing feelings of a Real Life.

Ahh. Here’s where I need so much balance. And it’s so helpful to finally (finally!) be able to turn down my Drive, and turn to other, more helpful, ways of dealing with the large forces sloshing around inside my inner, more spacious, home.

I’m so interested in how my horses respond to these clumsy but intentional attempts to shift the direction my rather chaotic energy is going. When I make the effort to contain myself, to not cope, but deal, in other words, I feel a sense of increased safety in the herd at large, and in my soul.

Anyway, here I am, showing and telling! Feel free to join the herd on this glorious fall day in Saskatchewan. I’m curious how the varying currents of energy feel to you, across the miles, communicated in this virtual way. And can you relate to the difficulty, but also opportunity, inherent in changing not who you are, but how you wield the power you carry?

Wednesdays are for walking, especially holding and managing and enjoying joy.

This one is covering both why I’m talking about boundaries (not strictly in the psychological/counselling sense) so much, and ALSO a boundary hack that has been super helpful. Bordering on life-changing, but definitely supportive of less energy used for this very necessary but usually un-fun task.

For all of you who can’t often sit down and read…Fridays are just for you. ❤️

However, please don’t hold back on comments and likes! Always appreciated. And I suppose I’ll say it’s okay if you also disagree with me. Yep, I’m fine with that response coming in to this space as well. (See what I’m doing there?)

Happy Friday. Fences are GOOD things. They face both ways, and also provide nice perches to survey the view. Hope you enjoy this regular feature.

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It’s not like I can really preplan too much with these walks. That’s kinda the point, imo. I love seeing what happens, in real life. And staying in conversation with you, with myself, with my herd…all at once? Challenging. For sure.

Anyway, here’s a fairly annotated video with LOTS of energy to see and “feel.” I find myself watching TV shows through this grid, now, and it’s kind of fun to see the human equivalents to Tundra’s extreme efforts to push into my bubble, and also the sizes of those bubbles as we each navigate a fairly dynamic little interaction.

Seriously, all I did was go into the pasture, catch BlueJay, and bring her back for a short grooming session. But - The drama! The feelings! The energy all over the place!

I’m so glad I have a bit of a language for understanding this perhaps just a touch closer to how the horses view the situation.

And as always, this gives me insight into how I express myself energetically, where I need to be more clear, perhaps more direct, and where I can enjoy previously built trust. So much more to see than just “behaviour.”

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I’ve been marinating on this idea for a while. The largest limiters to making audio files (for me) are the technical relearning of the software, and finding a quiet place to record! The second being pretty much a deal-breaker.

Ah well. I’ve spent some time figuring out what I used to know, and fiddling with GarageBand and assorted YouTube tutorials. I’ve got a small window before everyone returns and either needs me, or needs the space. I’ll do my best to organize my thoughts and remember this method of communication. I really do love talking. It’s the envelope around it that makes the whole concept so tricky.

Anyway, fence-sitting. Basically, boundaries, and how they help those inside, and those outside - differently, but still very much a win-win. If we spend time creating boundaries, it’s nice to take a breath and “sit on the fence,” sort of surveying the new enclosure, and also looking outwards, catching the view.

Safer, as my mentor Deborah Marshall gently reminded me last week, could be rephrased as “safe enough.” And while this sounds to me like settling, like giving in to limitations, and maybe even like quitting (!), it’s also highly, kindly, realistic. “Safe enough” means that the fence may not be pretty, but for now, on a Friday night, it will hold.

In moving this Substack ever closer to its centre, tweaking it ever so slightly towards the point I am trying to make, the thesis, the set of information that will not only help me, but you, too…I am excited to finally add in a regular podcast feature. This is going to be (hopefully!) mostly published on Fridays, and will be all about fencing. The creation of fences, that is, not the swordplay.

We need good fences in order to be good neighbours, but boy oh boy, those skills are in short supply, it would seem. It is hard (one hard thing!) to set an effective boundary without feeling like a jerk, or else without letting a jerk tear it down. I’d like to talk about this skill, this set of options, this very popular term but less popular action, and break it down into what works for me. If it works for me, I’m hoping, it will be that much more accessible to some of you as a set of ideas available to our inner teams and their varied ways of seeing and responding to problems “out there.”

So…welcome to my podcast! Download and play at your leisure. Please comment if you have any inclination to do so. But also, please share with anyone who you think is wrestling with this exact set of issues alongside me. It’s kinda my life to figure out how to keep myself safer, or safe enough at any rate, while still maintaining my ability to be generous, to care for others, and to grow as a person in my relationships and activities.

As always, thanks so much for your hearts’ and minds’ and bodies’ interaction with my content. That is magic. I appreciate you.

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If you’re at all intrigued with this simple story I’m telling, which by no means captures all our ways of relating, but which certainly explains a few of the big movers, here’s a longer video that shows how this looks in the horse herd.

Energy moves, and it acts upon objects. We are objects who have the ability to move, and so thinking about the energy we may be sending, or receiving, but certainly noticing, is another way to decode “behaviour.” In my opinion, it is at the very least going to reduce some of the blame and shame reflexes we may have as to how others respond to us, or maybe how we respond to others. It’s like there’s an invisible third party in the room, stirring the pot (energy, between us, among us, within us). Helps to talk about it. Helps to give words to the action.

I’m going to continue to work with this set of ideas for as long as I need in order to feel more comfortable with managing this set of options rather than feeling like I’m “being managed” by them. I don’t like to be manipulated, and I also am kind of annoyed when I figure out that what I thought I was doing via “free choice” was in fact a delusional, or anachronistic pattern from another age - one that is no longer relevant, or useful, or possibly even sensible in the place I have kept it active.

A good example from real life is my tendency to shout into phones. I don’t know exactly why I do this. It’s kind of ridiculous. It’s sort of (possibly?) a reaction to my knowledge that the person listening is so far away! I am using “drive energy,”but not well, and while it’s not harmful, it’s also just…unnecessary.

We might think we’re quite “together” people, but it’s my dawning realization in my own inner team that I, for one, am not. I have energy going in all directions, most of them quite unintended, and for reasons I can’t remember, let alone decide if I agree with them! I am therefore doing what occupational therapists do: breaking it down. Then breaking it down again, until each small bit is landing in the Just Right Challenge level of learning. I hope this is helpful for you as well.

I think we can all get better at balancing what we send out in terms of physical, emotional, and cognitive messaging. We like to think we have done a good job curating, spinning, and facelifting, as it were, what’s inside. The animals know, though. Also, some super high sensitive people must deal as well, whether they want to or not.

It’s a better system (for them, but also for our own selves) to become aware of our inner team, the state of our inner home, and the possibility of controlling our own communicative, contagious, visible, tactile, audible, and emotional/sensory selves.

I’m sharing the responses of my herd to me and to each other to try to make this clear and simple and actionable, even for you - way out there! (In shouting distance! 😁)

Happy Wednesday. Mind your energy. We can feel it.

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This post is a podcast episode reprising a Safer Teams on Tuesday post from September 9, 2025. Thought it might be easier to take in this way, as it is, well, full of stories.

Enjoy while driving or doing dishes or whatever it is you do. I’ll try to do more of these as I can.

A quiet walk today. You’re welcome to join me and Kyrie. There’s really nothing at all that needs saying.

Well, maybe a poem. Maybe that.

(Song: Luz de LunaArtist: Juan SánchezArtist’s Website: https://juansanchezmusic.info/)

Tan and Tandem

A stretch of sand,

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A chainsaw! Tundra doesn’t like it. Wants to get away. Goes from a just right challenge to edgy to fight or flight. If she can travel up, then I can help her also learn to travel down. It’s all about figuring out the route, and then practicing it. For now, and for a while, she needs me to show and tell her, because she doesn’t quite know anything except to run away. I have lots of other ideas.

If you have a job where you are responsible for helping others (again, this week I’m really thinking of educators as back to school is happening right now), and there are new, unexpected, uncomfortable, or even just a lot of sensations that your charges are dealing with, you know that this can manifest all sorts of ways. Kids (and adults, too!) can become hyper, aggressive, withdrawn, unresponsive, unthinking, impulsive…basically letting you know they are not perceiving this moment as a just right challenge.

Tundra responds in a horsey way - she scoots towards me, or away from the noise. She tries to distract herself by grazing. She locks up. She dissociates. She slows down, speeds up, is jerky in her movements, or asks me for reassurance. So many little messages saying, “I’m edgy. Now I’m travelling up to fight or flight. Help, please!”

When a person (or horse) asks for help with their behaviour, it’s tempting to focus on the behaviour first, and the fear behind it second, if at all. However, you can flip this pattern, take the person (or horse) seriously, and use some targeted tools to give them the idea that they can come down. Here are the stairs. Follow me. This will work.

I’m using a bunch of tools and strategies to show Tundra how to regulate herself with a little more finesse than just running away from the challenge. I expect her to need a lot of help now, but to get better at this the more I practice it with her - giving her enough help that she succeeds, but not doing it for her, either. We are making a trail together, from a higher level of stress response, down one storey, and then down another.

Thinking of helping another individual in this way allows me to notice the very small signs of progress, rather than getting too focused on the behaviours. It also allows our communication to get more and more subtle, soft, and effective. By the end of this little video Tundra was so much more flexible, connected, and able to respond with precision to my suggestions and requests, even though this wasn’t my main intent. I know for sure that addressing a person’s (human’s) fear signals as valid, and not blaming or shaming, but showing them how to come down, is so powerful as a relationship builder.

It’s kind of like helping a puppy navigate stairs. Picking them up and carrying them down is completely counter-productive. They need to figure out how to do this on their own, so giving them the support to slowly and safely descend is way more important than just skipping the chance for them to learn the obstacle. Tundra needs to practice thinking her way through a distressing aspect of her environment. I can help her. I don’t want to become a scary part of the environment while doing so. I want her to stay present, stay in the real world, stay aware of the scary thing, and choose to take my help while still doing the hard work of holding herself together.

Helping kids, or family members, clients, patients, residents, even co-workers and friends to navigate their own ascent up the tall building of challenge, and then find their way down without excessive time spent at the top three levels, is far more important (in my opinion) than managing their behaviour or performance.

I use a lot of tools here that would cross over nicely to people-helping environments as well. I hope you enjoy this walk, despite the annoying chainsaw in the background!!

And here’s the cheat sheet again as, well, a cheat sheet.

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