Two months ago we laid Bronson the Brave to rest. It was a beautiful grave-side ceremony with our immediate family. The sun shone and the breeze kept us cool.
Tears fell freely.
William, our 7 year old, hates to see me cry. Every time he spots a tear on my face, “mom are you crying?” is asked with concern. I’ve told him many times it’s okay to cry over Bronson even though we’re so happy he is healthy and whole in heaven. Regardless, his eyes were glued to me while my eyes were on the casket in front of us. I put him in charge of the kleenex and told him to hand me one every time he saw a tear. By the end of the service, I was holding two very hands full of kleenex and William was holding an empty package. He took his job very seriously.
We chose a bright blue casket with his beloved Maple Leafs logo placed on top. We went back and forth on that decision, but ultimately, we decided it was for his brothers and cousins. We wanted them to remember this moment as a reflection of Bronson—not as a picture of despair and darkness.
They were his pallbearers, ranging in age from 9 to 15. Watching them carry him felt like I was watching them grow up faster than they ever should have had to.We chose to have the internment the day before the funeral and I am so glad we did. It was intimate and un-rushed. A complete contrast to the weeks leading up to that moment.
I want to tell you about those weeks. They were heart wrenching but also full of God’s kindness. Some things are hard to talk about, but I believe it’s so important to testify when God shows up, so I’ll do my best to try.
Just over two weeks before Bronson passed, he had a night of throwing up, which was very unusual. We went to the hospital the next day for a scheduled appointment and they gave him some fluids and decided he should get a CT scan to see why he was so sick. This was the moment everything shifted.
The tumors had spread and the swelling had increased. They informed us hospice was the next step.
We’re exhausted, running on fumes to begin with, so this news came at us hard. We had to make a decision of what to do next. Do we take him home? Stay in the hospital? Or there was an alternative for pediatric hospice in Toronto.
We decided to move him to the pediatric hospice and they were an absolutely lovely team. We felt so well cared for - but we weren’t sure how much time we had with Brons - we thought we may have a while still. At this point, he seemed to be improving. He could walk a bit, get up to the bathroom, talk, and have more awake moments. So we thought we had weeks if not months ahead of us. We quickly discovered balancing the other boys while staying in hospice was going to be an incredible challenge so Sam and I unanimously decided to move Bronson home.
The move was seamless. We had a multitude of meetings with nurses and physical therapists to get Brons all the home equipment he needed. Within days we had a full hospice set up in our home. We had equipment from family connections as well so we ended up having a hospital bed downstairs so brons could be with us during the day and another bed upstairs in his room for night time. He was still eating and drinking into the second week at home.
Then one day, everything changed - fast.
In the morning, I was able to give Brons his big pills and he could swallow. By the afternoon I had to crush those same pills and add them to yogurt. By night time, he could not even swallow water. He declined that quickly. We were advised to invite family over to say final goodbyes.
Within hours our house was filled with family. With an organic succession, each family member spent time with Brons in his room. Multicolored Christmas lights still strung across his walls over hung pictures, hand-drawn posters and sports memorabilia. The colorful glow from the Christmas lights kept the room feeling peaceful and vibrant. Brons was sleeping and not very responsive so we quietly chatted around him and enjoyed the moments we had.
July 7th and 8th, we had family in our home saying goodbyes. July 8th, everyone went home, we tucked our boys in bed and Sam and I sat with Bronson. Sam read the entire books of Mark and Luke aloud. It was about 5 min after he finished reading that Bronson’s breathing changed. It had already shallowed significantly but this felt different. Sam prayed over Brons and after about three drawn out breaths, he had passed peacefully.
The fact that we were alone with him felt sacred - and another kindness from the Lord.
An hour or so later, while waiting for a nurse to come and help us with next steps, I looked at Bronson and he had a little smirk on his face. He was smiling. He looked so peaceful. I was worried this moment would be traumatic, leaving me with images I’d never want to remember. But it was the opposite. He was beautiful. He arrived in paradise with Jesus and somehow his face reflected that moment. Sam and I have shared a lot about the tension of caring for Bronson while also praying for healing. Holding the two things at the same time while also trying to do them both whole heartedly.We learned to take each thing to the Lord and ask for His leading. One of those difficult tensions was “end of life planning”. While in the hospital, and again at hospice, we were presented with packages of paperwork for us to fill out ahead of time for funeral and burial arrangements. Both Sam and I felt deeply convicted about not signing anything ahead of time. If we were going to pray for healing, we would not make plans for his funeral. So we didn’t. We knew there was a cost associated with that. If the time came and Bronson was not healed, we would not have a plan in place.
And that is exactly what happened.
But that is also how God showed us incredible kindness.
The nurse arrived at our house to call the time of death and make arrangements for Bronson to be taken to a funeral home. She asked us what our plans are - she needs to know who she needs to call.
Sam and I literally looked at each other with no clue who to call. It was the middle of the night and we had done zero research on who the best company was to use.
I remembered an earlier conversation with Bronson while we were driving. At one point, we were driving just outside of town and he commented on a cemetery we were passing - he said he liked that it was hidden behind the trees.
I shared that with Sam and we decided on the spot, that would be the cemetery we would use. After a quick google search on what funeral homes operated under the same ownership, we picked one. It felt like we were picking a place out of a hat, it was that random. But the nurse told us this home was good to work with and so we just went with it.
The funeral home came and got Brons. I didn’t want to be part of this, so I went back upstairs. My final picture of my sweet boy is his precious face, smiling in light of eternity with Jesus. It’s the right final frame. By now we had a couple hours left until the sun came up but we were exhausted and knew we needed to get some sleep because things were not about to get easier. We had to tell our families - and our boys. Who had slept through it all. While we were laying in bed, we talked about the funeral - where would we have it? We knew we were very limited in our town for what churches could hold the number of people we would expect to come. There was only one church we thought could do it - but their building had just been sold so we weren’t sure if we would even be able to get it on short notice. These are the moments the hospice staff were hoping we would avoid - last minute scrambles. But God knows.The next day, when Sam got on the phone with the funeral home, it became very clear they already knew about Bronson and his story. They expressed their intention to help us with the cost but also, the funeral home manager was married to the pastor at the church we wanted to use. He said it was available to us whenever we wanted to use it. What?!We could not have planned it better if we tried. He had our back. God’s kindness to us was so evident and would continue over the next 6 days as we planned an event for 1000 people. Everyone chipped in. We had help with absolutely everything. Childcare, food, slideshows, programs. It was humbling to receive the amount of help that we did. And in only 6 days we planned and executed an event that still brings tears…(STAY TUNED FOR PART 2)
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
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