Parenting Your Teens

 

Hi, and welcome to the Parenting Your Teens podcast. I'm your host, Chris Taylor, and like every week we take a question we received from an audience member at home and I answer it so that parents have practical tools that they can use in working with their kids today. 

 

Now this question comes from John from Cool, California. Now, I don't know about you, but that's the best town name I've ever heard, Cool. Just so it happens that it's not far from my town here in Folsom, California, so big shout out to John just up the road. And so what John asks is why do teenagers have behaviors to begin with. I mean, that's a great question, right? Because once we understand why our teens have behaviors then we can really do something about changing them. 

 

Teen behavior is a personal responsibility

So here's the way we're going to look at that is not by focusing on sort of like the individual triggers because I sometimes think we get too lost in this idea of triggers being everywhere and we always have to be aware of everybody's triggers. And that's just not really possible, and it doesn't teach kids how to manage that for themselves either because they're relying on somebody externally whether it's an environmental piece or an actual person to stop them from having this behavior to begin with, and that's just not the way the world works. So we're all about trying to grow young, strong, independent teenagers into young, strong, independent adults who can meet and manage the challenges that life throws at them. 

 

So here's the thing - what causes behaviors in teenagers is the same that causes behaviors in adults. And what we want to really be focused on is needs. We as human beings have core needs, and when those core needs go unmet we have a behavioral response to try to get that need met. Now as adults we're better at doing that because we're more mature, we have more life experience, we have the ability to regulate ourselves emotionally more effectively. But when we're teenagers we're all dysregulated, our brains aren't fully developed, and so we really kind don't stand a chance if the expectation is just we do that on our own. 

 

In conjunction with that, we just don't have the control to make those major life decisions because we do live in a home, we have parents, there's authority figures all around us that are constantly guiding and telling us what to do. 

 

Teens have a deep need for connection.

So what we really need to know about for need fulfillment is that needs are the drivers of behavior, and that for teens there's three core needs that we want to focus on. So the first of these is the need to connect and belong. Now we all want to be a part of something, teens want to be a part of friend groups, social groups at school, they'll change the way they talk, the way they dress, their interests and hobbies just to gain access to those groups. 

 

Adults will have friend groups, we change less in response to those but we still do. Just think of the first time you met that person that maybe became your spouse or that you fell in love with, how did you adjust how you normally were to sort of win their favor, right? That need which is love-based, it's a connection need, is so powerful that we will really adapt and change some of the core pieces of ourselves to get access to that. 

 

Your teens are no different; they just do it in different ways because they don't verbalize that need so they end up acting it out. Slamming a door is a way to pull a parent in to assign a consequence; it backfires on the teen because once they get the consequence now they're upset because they felt like they were punished for wanting to connect. 

 

Parents can do a really good job of identifying these needs earlier on by basically checking in - am I spending a lot of time on my phone? Am I working too much? Am I being present in my kid's life in a meaningful way? 

 

Teens need to be able to escape uncomfortable situations

Now this leads to the second need, right? Because a lot of parents will be like, "Yeah, I try to be present in my kid's life in a meaningful way with conversations, with interactions, but all I did is sort of Stonewall shut down and withdrawal," right? And so I get parents to understand that kids get overwhelmed really quickly, and sometimes they honestly just don't see value in that interaction in that moment. And if we're honest, a lot of the requests coming from parents are really intrusive or they're very demanding on what we want kids to do whether it be chores or homework or a certain action that we want them to take into home. So what we want to do is make sure that we were allowing for the kid to meet that need of escape and avoidance, right? 

 

Now we don't want that to be indefinite that they just get to escape and avoid, and that's just all it ever was, because obviously they do need to function as a member of the household. But if we reinforce that just enough and we teach them that they can meet that need, that we have as far as maybe a chore, a task or homework piece on their timeframe then they're going to be able to remove themselves from it initially and then circle back around eventually. 

 

Now we're going to talk in a future episode about how you can create a structure to support that so that you're not having to go back like every minute or every five minutes or ten minutes until the kid finally just blows, and then nothing good comes of that because you're in this conflict cycle all over again. 

 

Teens need access to what they like

And so the third need that we want to focus on is the need to gain access to an activity or an item. Now think of all the things that your kids like or the things that they'd like to go do, and think about what happens when they ask for those things and they're not able to fulfill that. Usually there's some sort of behavior, some level of aggression or defiance, maybe it's just like a more sort of lower level rudeness or tone that they display. But it's all about that control to meet that need was taken away from them, so now they're responding in kind with this behavior to try to force the issue, right?

 

Now in all of these needs there's a way to help kids meet that on their own, and like I said we're going to talk about that in a future episode on how to structure that so that they have that space and that control to do it on their own, it reinforces their need for independence, it eliminates the need for parents to nag or argue, but it ensures that the actual thing needs to get done whether it's a task, an activity, whether they need to have a conversation, whatever that might be. So we don't have time in today's episode to talk about that. 

 

John, I appreciate your question. Why do teens have behaviors? I hope I answered that question. 

 

For all of you who are listening or watching who might have a question of their own, please send those to [email protected]. And also if you have more interest in learning how to end teen defiance and disrespect once and for all, please visit the website www.parentingyourteens.com, there you'll find a ton of resources and tools that will help you do that very thing. 

 

Thanks, everybody, for tuning in, and we'll see you next time. 

 

About Christopher Taylor, MFT

Christopher Taylor, MFT is a teen expert, therapist, author, and speaker with 16 years of experience working with teens and families. He provides teen and family therapy services in Folsom, Granite Bay, El Dorado Hills and surrounding areas. Chris is the author and creator of the Back to Basics: Tayloring Your Teen For Success Program, consisting of the book, workbook and online course.

 

Hi. Thanks for tuning into today's episode of Parenting Your Teens podcast. I'm your host, Chris Taylor, and like every week we take a question that's submitted from a viewer at home and we answer it so that I can give parents practical tools that they can use right now to address any issue that they're facing with their teen. 

 

So today I'm going to take a question that I got in my practice this week, and it's really starting to tie together a lot of the other episodes that I've put out. And this is not just how to motivate kids to do things but how to create an effective incentive plan so that teens will motivate themselves on their own and want to do the thing that you're asking. 

What motivates your teen?

So here's the thing - we all are motivated by earning things, right? I don't know any person I know that goes to work just out of the goodness of their heart and doesn't care whether they get a paycheck or not. Now the only time this really doesn't show up and shouldn't show up is in relationships, because we never want relationships to be transactional, we want them to be based on sort of the selfless giving, meeting of needs and compromising throughout those disagreements. But again, this is about incentivizing to accomplish tasks, to get homework done, to get chores done and so let's just jump into what that looks like. 

 

Now I describe it as a daily incentive plan, why? Because law of diminishing returns shows up really quick in kids, delayed gratification is almost non-existent for at least younger teens and a lot of older teens as well, and primarily because their brain structures aren't fully developed to be able to support that forward thinking and that idea of delayed gratification and executive functioning. 

 

Structuring Your Teens Privileges

So what I'd like to do is talk about how to effectively build a daily incentive structure. Now the first thing that you want to do is you want to create a list of all the things that your kid is interested in, okay? And then once you get that, and here's a side note - this should always be done in conjunction with your teen, so this should be a sit down as a family talking it through. 

 

What are the things that you love? Is it video games, is it car, is it time with friends, is it your phone, is it riding your bike - whatever it is you want to make sure that you get that list down. 

 

And then you want to create a list of what are the chores that we need to have accomplished, or I should say tasks because chores and homework, and you want to list all those out, right? You got to get your homework done, you have to do the dishes, you have to take the trash out, you have to clean your room - whatever those things are, create a big list. 

 

And now this is where the rubber hits the road, what we're going to do is we're going to find a way to bridge those two things together. 

 

Your Teen Needs Independence

Now I'm going to back up a little bit. Your teen is going through a process of individuation which means they are rapidly approaching their independent self. Now we all frame that around 18, but kids start developing that really at birth but it doesn't show up in response to pulling away and wanting to do things away from the direction of a parent until the teenage years, generally. And we really need to reinforce that, because if we don't we're going to have a battle they're going to feel sort of disempowered and the likelihood of these things getting done is almost non-existent. 

 

So how do we do that? Well, the first thing we want to do is we want to create deadlines for when these tasks need to be accomplished. So say it's 5:00 in the evening, 6:00 in the evening, 8:00 in the morning - cleaning your room, whatever that might be. 

 

And then we create a chart, and that chart is very simple - there's three columns and those columns are do what, by when, to get what. Very simple - do the thing by this time to get the thing that you want. 

 

Now what you also want to do is create a lot of rows underneath that and start filling it in. I'll give you an example. Do your homework by 6:00PM; get access to video games for 2 hours. Take the trash out by 8:00PM and get your phone until bedtime. Here's a nice one - turn your phone in by 10:00PM to gain access to your phone in the morning. 

 

So you can link different ones together by saying, "See the second row," so that those two have to be accomplished at the same time before the incentive is earned. You can use anything and everything that you want at your disposal to incentivize. 

 The Daily Incentive System

The key is it's daily. So say you have a kid that doesn't do it, it causes you frustration, and then what you do in response to that is ... generally I should say what parents do in response is they shut down the whole system - give me your Xbox for a week, give me your phone for the next four days. And kids just give up, right? They also have other technology that they can pull from, burner phones that they're keeping in their mattresses that they've got from friends that don't have service on it anymore, they can go get Wi-Fi at the local Starbucks or libraries, sometimes they keep them on all night, so kids are pretty savvy when it comes to this. 

 

But by doing it daily what we're saying is, "Okay, if you messed up today, you're right back in the saddle tomorrow." So it's not a punishment cycle, it's a reward cycle. And what we're doing is conditioning them to a new behavioral response. Within that, they learn how to meet their needs independently. And because it's by a deadline, parents are not nagging, arguing or prompting. If it doesn't get done, it's simply not done and the kid misses the opportunity to earn his incentive.

 

Now even with the hardest kids in my practice, I've seen kids turn around and get this within the matter of a couple of days. Those are kids that are outwardly defiance, cursing out their parents, throwing things in the house, slamming doors, punching holes in walls - you name it and they get it, right? Because as long as they do what they're supposed to do, they have access to all the things that they want. 

 

What about Disrespect?

Now you can also tie sort of an overarching theme into this of respect. So if you have a teen that's just sort of disrespectful to you in a day and they show up and they like maybe say something rude or curse you out or whatever that might look like, you can just shut the whole plan down and say, "Hey, we're not doing it. You don't have the opportunity to earn your privileges." Now understand that that's going to kind of bring on a fight or nothing that you want to have done is going to get done anyway, so be very cautious in putting that sort of overarching piece to shut the whole plan down. But with those kids that I just referenced earlier, that can actually be an effective tool, just to let them know that sort of you mean business. 

 

Now the language if a kid doesn't do something, because they're going to come up to you the first couple times and be like, "This is stupid. I don't understand. How come you did this?" And you just simply say, "Look, we created a plan," and remember the we-created because they created it with you, so you say, "We created a plan so that I didn't have to tell you what to do anymore. And as long as you do that you got to do everything that you want to do. So I'm really confused, I don't understand why you don't want to earn the things that you want." And you can just say, "Look, I know it didn't work out well today, but tomorrow is a new day and you have an opportunity to do it all over again." 

 

If you keep using that language and keep pushing it towards an opportunity to earn, and really hone in on that incentive the kid's going to buy in and the things are going to turn around really quick. Promise me, I've seen it time and time again. This is a single biggest tool I use in my practice because it works. 

 

Well, I really appreciate you guys listening and watching today. Like I said, this isn't one of those questions that we took from a viewer at home, this is just something that I heard a ton about in my practice, and honestly I hear it really every week so I thought it would just be good to give you guys this information. Again, I'm taking stuff out that I give to my clients and I charge a lot of money for, so take this free advice as really good advice too. 

 

If you do have a question that you would like answered on the show, please email that into [email protected]. If you'd like to learn more about how to end teen defiance and disrespect, please submit those or please visit the website rather www.parentingyourteens.com, there's a ton of good tools and information that you can use to help your teen deal with pretty much any issue that you're going to find. 

 

So again, thanks for tuning in today, and we'll see you next time.

 

About Christopher Taylor, MFT

Christopher Taylor, MFT is a teen expert, therapist, author, and speaker with 16 years of experience working with teens and families. He provides teen and family therapy services in Folsom, Granite Bay, El Dorado Hills and surrounding areas. Chris is the author and creator of the Back to Basics: Tayloring Your Teen For Success Program, consisting of the book, workbook and online course.

 

Hi, everybody. And thanks for tuning into today's episode of the Parenting Your Teens podcast. I'm your host Chris Taylor, and like every episode we take a question from a viewer at home and we answer it to give parents practical tools to address the challenges that they are facing with their teens. 

Now today's question comes from Cynthia in Maryland. Now I'm just amazed because we're getting some really good reach and it's only our second season of putting on this podcast, so that's really exciting. So Cynthia, all the way out in Maryland, on the East Coast, thank you so much for sending this question in. 

 
How to help teens with ADHD

Now her question is one that applies to more and more kids, because the rate of diagnosis of ADHD in American youth is skyrocketing. And for those who struggle with a kid with ADHD you know the challenges that present, the exhaustion, the frustration as a parent in trying to address those, so we're going to try to give some tips based on this question that Cynthia asked. So Cynthia asked a really general question, I'm going to try to narrow it down as best as I can, but she said, "How do I work with my teen with ADHD in getting homework, chores, and just getting him to care about life at all." 

 

Okay, so first of all, Cynthia, that's a big question. I don't know if I'm going to be able to get to that what's going to make him care about life at all. But I think I can understand maybe some of the reasons why he's not caring as much and why he's not participating in life in a real sort of full robust way, okay? 

 
Teens with ADHD are very smart

So what I know about working with ADHD kids and I work with a ton of them in my private practice, is that they are (a) usually super smart, and (b) usually not seen as super smart by their teachers or administrators at school because they tend to be disruptive, easy distracted, they can be class clowns, they can talk a lot - all these things that in a classroom environment are really sort of undesirable. So I always like to start by focusing on the strengths that these kids are really smart kids. But because they have this ADHD diagnosis and the school system responds to them in a negative way, they end up getting a huge hit to that self-esteem piece. 

 

They'll lose the belief that they can, they'll overtime stop trying because there's no sort of benefit of pleasure in doing so, because they've already decided - I'm going to get told that I'm a loser, a failure, not good enough, stupid - whatever you might sort of layer on as a negative statement with a kid who's not functional well in a school environment. They've heard it, they've experienced it, and just like you or I - the more you hear negative statements the more it becomes easy to believe and the harder it is to believe in yourself from a positive perspective, so let's always keep that in mind. 

 
The ADHD brain works differently

Now as far as chores and tasks with ADHD kids, it's really difficult, because let's be honest - their brain works differently. Most teenagers are somewhat impulsive - put that on overdrive in a kid with ADHD. Different brain structures are underdeveloped so executive functioning and planning, thinking and executing that are sort of compromised. 

 

And then they're highly emotional because they're operating from that lower level brain system, which causes them to be impulsive which causes them to have sort of extreme emotions. Again, it's like a teenager normally but it's on sort of steroids or times a thousand. 

 
The magic structure for Teens with ADHD

So what we want to do is we want to slow that process down for those kids as much as we can. Now one of the best ways to do that when it's task-related like homework or ... we'll just say homework because that's more academically-focused ... is to focus on this idea of chunking, right? So if I've got an ADHD kid and I'm like, "Hey, here's an hour of homework. Sit down and do it," as a parent I'm going to be on that kid non-stop for that hour and things aren't going to get that. It's going to be a constant battle, I'm going to be frustrated, the kid is literally not going to be able to do it because of the way his brain is functioning. 

 

So what we want to do is bring in this idea of chunking. Now there's a couple different structures for chunking, one is traditional sort of 15, 20 minutes on, 5 minute off. So what that means if you give them a chunk of time where they're responsible for sitting down focusing, doing the work, and then you give them a chunk of time to take a break. 

 

Now what you don't want them to do on that break is go in and play video games or watch TV or watch YouTube videos, because that's going to over stimulate them and hijack that process. By a break it just means kind of pushing away, maybe getting a snack, drinking some water, maybe getting up and moving because there's a pent up energy and sort of kind of dispelling all that energy. And then really getting back in the task. 

 

Now initially parents will have to help them by prompting them to get back in the task after the break, but once they have done that a few weeks they're going to start to really get this conditioned response of like, "Okay, I know this works for me, and this is something I can use to manage my time well, and ultimately I want to do that my own because no teenager wants their parents to tell them what to do." So we're going to always use that for our benefit as parents. 

 

Now there's also a different way of chunking, it's kind of a pyramid chunking where you start with like maybe it's 30 minutes of time and they get a 15-minute break, and then it's 20 minutes with a 10-minute, and then it's 15 minutes with a 5-minute and so on and so forth. That can be kind of helpful, because you'll see that the kids will start to anticipate less and less as they move forward. There's a little bit of an incentive built in there, there's some excitement that they're not just going to be in this kind of consistent pattern, sort of like ongoing and they can't anticipate when it's going to stop. 

 

And so anyways, like I said, there's a couple of different ways to do that. Now the timing of which really depends on the kids. Really, severely ADHD kids are going to be able to tolerate less time studying, the break shouldn't be any more time but it should just basically be either a 2:1 or a 3:1 ratio of work to break. If you're going to pyramid it, obviously that changes that a little bit. But you generally start with that and then as you whittle down you want to maintain that ratio throughout. 

 
Teens need to believe in themselves

What this does is it gives teens the opportunity to see that they are capable, that it's not about them not being able to or being dumb or any of that, and it gives parents a really concrete tool to start partnering with their teens around rather than sort of demanding or getting frustrated because they're disinterested. 

 

If you have a kid who's been in the educational system that have got a lot of bad messages for a long period of time, it's going to be harder to recondition them for this response, so just be patient and know that it's going to take a few more weeks. 

 

Now if you're a parent with a kid that's ADHD then you're talking about a few more weeks, and you're already at your point of frustration or exhaustion, I know that's a big ask, but I guess I would say you've already been in it this long with not getting necessarily the results you want, so I'm sure you're willing to try just about anything and everything to sort of make this come true. 

 

So I appreciate giving that advice to you. I appreciate the question again from across the country. And if you have questions that you would like to submit and have me answer on my next podcast, please send those in to [email protected]. And if you would like more information on how to end teen defiance and disrespect in your teens, then please visit the website parentingyourteens.com where you can learn and gain valuable tools on how to end that defiance and disrespect among dealing with other issues that you might be struggling with, with your teens. 

 

So until next time, thanks for tuning in, and we'll see you again real soon.

 

About Christopher Taylor, MFT

Christopher Taylor, MFT is a teen expert, therapist, author, and speaker with 16 years of experience working with teens and families. He provides teen and family therapy services in Folsom, Granite Bay, El Dorado Hills and surrounding areas. Chris is the author and creator of the Back to Basics: Tayloring Your Teen For Success Program, consisting of the book, workbook and online course.

 

Practical solutions for teen issues.

Hi. And thanks for tuning into the Parenting Your Teens podcast. Like we do every episode, we take a question submitted from a viewer, we answer it, so that you at home have practical solutions to an issue that you're facing with your teen. 

 

Now I'm super excited because it seems like our reach is really growing. This comes from John in San Diego. Thanks, John. I really appreciate this question. So let's just go ahead and jump into what this question is about. 

How to handle teen disrespect and defiance.

So John asked, first of all he says, "I have a 14-year-old daughter," okay, so you got your hands full right there. And he says, "I'm struggling, because it seems like no matter what I ask her I'm getting behaviors and defiance, and she's like rude and disrespectful." Okay, I don't need to go through it, there's a whole paragraph on this. I don't need to go through the whole thing. I think most parents understand why is it when you ask your teen just a very, very, very basic requests that sometimes they just flash on you? And the rudeness and the disrespect and the anger that comes back at you is like, "I literally just asked you to do the dishes," and now you're telling, "You don't ever understand me. And F you, and this is bullshit," and all that kind of stuff, right? 

 

Okay, we've seen it, we've experienced it - what do you do about it? 

 

So this is another one of those not the what, but the why. The what is the behavior, you see it, you know what it is, you don't need me to tell you that your kid's freaking out for really no good reason, at least on the surface, but it's disproportionate, the response at least, to what you're requesting of them, okay? What's underlying that is a bigger piece, right? 

Teens need independence and control.

Now kids are growing and developing, and they want more independence, and really what they want with that independence is more control.

 

Now when you have somebody that comes in and levels a requests on you, it automatically takes away any element of control that that kid may have thought they had, okay? Now this doesn't mean that you just let the kid do whatever they want, because things absolutely need to get done. It means this - you have to create the conditions so that that kid perceives that they're in control.

 

Now along with that is need fulfillment, right? So you've got kind of two separate things going on. Now we're going to do probably a whole another thing on need fulfillment at some other time, right now I just want to focus on creating the conditions so that the kid can have some element of control. 

 

Now a very basic way of doing this is a structure, right? Now the more structure you have, generally the more kids feel that they're not in control. So the fact that I'm telling you to put a structure in is going to seem completely counterintuitive. 

What structure works for teens.

But here's the thing - you want to create a structure where they know what to do so it's predictable and consistent. And then what you also want to do is create deadlines, right? So creating deadlines means you're not going to come in and just say, "I need you to do this right now." You're going to say, "Hey, this has already been established, you have to do this by 5:00," and they already know, so between 3:00 and 5:00 they have a ton of choice and flexibility and when to do what and when to accomplish it - that's just a really basic tool that you can use. You can also give some negotiation opportunity there. 

 

Now that doesn't sort of talk about what to do if it doesn't get done, because we're just not going to have enough time today to talk about consequences and structures and incentives and all that. But this will give you sort of the groundwork to set up like, "How am I really structuring my approach with my teen? Am I just coming in and demanding that this thing gets done right now," and really kind of almost in my experience though, if you're informed on what you're doing - you're almost intentionally setting it off. That doesn't give your kid permission to be disrespectful, but you got to know how you're contributing to that. So just be aware of that, and like I said - build in that space for things to get done, and I think you're going to start shifting the conversation and getting your kid to start seeing that you're a little more flexible and friendly to work with them that way. 

 

And when you continue to watch this podcast and you hear of other things like incentives and you'll hear things like need fulfillment and how that all gets woven in - you're going to get more of the complete picture, like I said, in a short five-minute podcast we're just not going to have enough time to cover each one of those tips, so there's going to be future ones that come out. If you can kind of look ahead and see which ones are already released, then that will probably be one of them I imagine, so go ahead and kind of like look for that or keep your eyes open for that. 

 

Again, thanks for tuning in. John, thanks for your email about your daughter. I really appreciate that. And like always, if you're trying to end defiance and disrespect in your teen - visit parentingyourteens.com where you can get free training on how to do that very thing in really the shortest amount of time possible, okay? So thanks, again, for tuning in, and we'll catch you next time on the podcast. All right, thanks.

 

About Christopher Taylor, MFT

Christopher Taylor, MFT is a teen expert, therapist, author, and speaker with 16 years of experience working with teens and families. He provides teen and family therapy services in Folsom, Granite Bay, El Dorado Hills and surrounding areas. Chris is the author and creator of the Back to Basics: Tayloring Your Teen For Success Program, consisting of the book, workbook and online course.

 

Practical solutions for your teen’s challenges.

Hi. Welcome to the Parenting Your Teens podcast, like we do every time I'm going to take a question that was submitted by a listener or a viewer at home, and I'm going to answer it so that you listening have real practical solutions to address some issue that you're facing in your teen. 

Is your teen vaping? 

So today's topic or question is a pretty serious question, this question is, "What do I do if I have found that my teen is vaping?" I think this is an epidemic; vaping across the country is probably outside of smoking weed, the biggest issue that parents are facing as far as substance use. It's so bad that a recent study said that about 60 to 70% of teenagers have vaped at some point in the last year. I mean, that's just scary. 

 

Not only that, but there was a recent report saying that out of the top 5 most addictive drugs in the world, that number 3 is nicotine, now that study was done worldwide so the delivery system was actually cigarettes. Now cigarettes have a 3 to 10 milligram per, as far as their dosing. Kids now are hitting 50 milligram juices and salts in each vape hit that they're taking, which to me is insane and really I think increases that level of addiction, at least as far as the speed with which kids get addicted. 

Why do teens vape? 

So you'll hear the rationale, "It calms me down, I'm having anxiety and it relaxes me. I'm so stressed out all the time." This just isn't true, it's the teen culture, they share it all with each other, "Hey, if you get caught vaping, tell your parent this, tell your dad, tell your mom, they'll get off your back because everybody's going to feel sorry for you." So I know a lot of parents just don't buy that anyways, so good for you. But a lot do, because they really have a genuine concern for their kids which obviously you would, and if you hear that they're struggling in a particular way, then you want to make sure that they're going to be okay. 

 

So obviously when it comes to vaping we want a zero tolerance policy. If you find anything in the house, go ahead and just throw it out. Make sure you're always addressing it directly with your youth, and let them know that you're aware of what they're doing. 

 

Also I would pay attention to friends. You're not going to be able to stop them from hanging out with kids or from being exposed to these things, but you can least be aware of who they're with and what they're doing and try to run some sort of interference with the parents of these other kids. 

How are teens getting vaping devices?

Now the hardest part is how these kids are getting it. Now they're getting gift cards and they're going on eBay and they're ordering them to other parents' house who are completely permissive about this stuff. They're ordering it to the Amazon lockers that they have in safe ways and different gas stations around different towns across the country. So it's so readily available. They can get it at any time, in any way they want. 

 

What I would say to a parent is if you're approaching it from the health-related standpoint, like I said, kids always think they know better, they're going to shut you down. I would just talk to them, and I do talk to them in my practice like this, I say, "Look, if you're going to vape, you better be committed that this is a lifelong choice, because once you're addicted, the likelihood of stopping nicotine is very, very low." I think we've all known people that have smoked cigarettes and have tried over the years to stop and they just don't seem to be able to kick the habit. 

 

So there's not a lot of research around the long-term health effects of just vaping nicotine, but they are starting to see that there's some popcorn lung that's starting to show up because of the delivery system, and so it's embedding itself in lungs and it's affecting breathing at least short-term, so I think we're going to see obviously a lot more of those long-term health issues as time goes on.

Should you drug test your teen? 

What I would also recommend is drug testing. There's drug tests that tests for nicotine, it seems a little bit extreme, but again, it's stopping the kid from going down that path of pretty extreme and potentially severe health-related consequences from vaping long-term. 

 

So again, there's not a whole lot you can do as far as the rationale to talk to a kid and say, "Look, this is so bad for you, it's going to kill you, don't you know what you're doing to your body?" They're just going to shut all that down, and because they're shutting it down you have no choice as a parent other than to step in and shut them down. So you, like I said, you take the stuff if you find it, you restrict access to friends, you definitely start tracking money and the flow of money, looking for gift cards or any online purchases. You're not going to catch everything, but the more aware you can be the better. 

How parents can learn all they need to know about vaping. 

As a sort of a little bit of a bonus, what I tell parents to do is ... and what I want you to do, really, is go down to your local vape shop, your local smoke shop. Don't worry, your neighbors aren't going to see you going in there and think you're developing a bad habit, but go in there and talk to the person that's working there and have them teach you all about vaping, right? All about the kinds of vapes, all about the types, what the different delivery systems look like, the different pods, the cartridges, what the batteries, what mods look like. 

 

I mean, there's just such a culture and a world out there, so again, the more you know as a parent, the better off you'll be in understanding when your kid's doing it, identifying the warning signs, seeing the actual vapes which can be easily concealed, they can look like a little USB drive, they can look like plastic credit card, some are a little more obvious I think if you see them you would know. 

 

But again, the more information you have, the better you'll be. And it's all about restricting, restricting, restricting, where if you hear a lot of my other podcast, you'll see that I'm a lot more sort of forgiving and about allowing for negotiation and conversation, when it comes to substances, that's just not one of those times. So anyways, thanks for tuning in today. And like always, if you want more information on ending your teen’s defiance and disrespect visit parentingyourteens.com where you can receive free training on how to do that very thing. We'll see you next time.

 

About Christopher Taylor, MFT

Christopher Taylor, MFT is a teen expert, therapist, author, and speaker with 16 years of experience working with teens and families. He provides teen and family therapy services in Folsom, Granite Bay, El Dorado Hills and surrounding areas. Chris is the author and creator of the Back to Basics: Tayloring Your Teen For Success Program, consisting of the book, workbook and online course.

 

Get tools to help parent your teen.

Hi. And thanks for tuning into the Parenting Your Teens podcast, where each week we select a question from a viewer and we answer it, so that you at home have practical solutions to an issue you're facing with your teen. Now today's question comes from my practice, and this is one that I get from time to time, and is really frustrating for parents. I mean, honestly every issue you're facing with your teen is frustrating for parents, but this one for some reason just really, really frustrates them. I think because it speaks to how little we have as far as the ability to control what our kid does. 

 

So this is all about motivation. So I got asked this week, "How do I motivate my kid to complete dot, dot, dot?" 

 

Now usually that completion has to do with one of two things, it's either homework or chores, right? Some sort of task completion. 

 

Now what I tell parents is this - motivation is really tricky, because motivation is not external, it's not based on, hey, I've got the best consequences or I'm going to take all your stuff away, right? What that generally does is creates more conflict, the kid shuts down, pretends he doesn't care, and then whatever that thing that you took which usually is the phone, video games or keys, it doesn't work anymore because that's the only leverage you have. So it's like law of diminishing returns and you sort of exhaust the kid on that particular consequence. 

What actually motivates teens? 

So what really motivates people and what motivates you and I is what we attach value to. So what we attach value to is going to encourage us to do that thing, right? If I like making a podcast, then I'm going to come to my office, I'm going to set up the lights, I'm going to devote all this time, I'm going to go through all the hassle and ins and outs, right? Because I value that. 

 

If you value your relationship, your spousal or significant other relationship, then you're going invest time into that, you're going to do the things necessary to develop and grow that, right? Now if you don't value it, you're just not going to do anything, because quite frankly you don't care. 

 

So sitting there and talking to a kid about why don't you care, you need to care about this, you need to do this, you're going to lose everything. They don't, because they don't see value in it, okay? 

Improve teen school performance.

Now let's take an example of school, right? Because that's like the job for teens, that's what parents say, "Go into school, it's your job." And teens say, "Well, I don't get paid for it," right? And you're like, "Well, you're right, but you still need to get ahead in life and make success out of yourself, so let's do that at least initially through the path of doing well in high school." 

 

And so they will not be doing their homework or they'll be getting low test scores, and parents will just say, "Don't you understand, you're going to be a loser, you're going to work in McDonald's, right?" Now the McDonald's actually doesn't pay that bad, but kids are like, "No, I'm not. Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, they dropped out of high school," right? Everybody has this rationale for why they should be able to continue the behavior that is pretty ridiculous to begin with, with their teens. 

 

So as I described it, they use sort of teen logic which is logic-ish, which gives parents pause momentarily like, "Well, I don't know, maybe that kind of does make sense." But we then we're like, "No, no, that doesn't make any sense at all. That's ridiculous." 

 

So anyways, back to motivation. We have to find a way to attach value to the thing we want the kid to do, right? And generally that comes through some form of incentive. And I'm not talking about like a gold star chart that like, "Oh, you tied your shoes, now we're going to go get a new video game." No, it's just using things that they already have access to or maybe something that they want to do that doesn't have any costs associated with it, just so that they see that you're a partner and there's flexibility in your approach.

What does your teen actually value?

And here's another thing - explore with them like what future value could be, right? Not you have to do this because if not you're going to fail. But, "Hey, like what do you want your life to look like? Have you thought about what the future is going to be?" An earlier podcast I talked about remaining curious, right? Drawing kids in by trying to understand what they're really thinking and feeling about. This is a great opportunity to kind of layer in that technique on that as well. 

 

So the more you can find where their value system is and what maybe future value they have or levels of success that they want to achieve, you can start building in that approach now and helping them to develop that plan, right? So it's like, "Well, my value system isn't around doing well in high school." "Okay, well, what do you want to do after high school," right? And they say, "Well, I want to be able to buy a house and I want to make a good living." "Okay, that sounds awesome. Like, what would you need to do to be able to accomplish that?" "Well, I don't know," right? 

 

It's like, "Okay, well, then let's spend some time just talking about that." Or maybe they're like, "Well, I need to get a good job." "Okay, well, how are you going to go about getting a good job," not, "Well, how are you going to get a job if your grades are so low and nothing's ever going to work out and you're going to work at McDonald's." No. Just, "Well, how would you do that," right? Exploring their rationale, seeing what they attach value to. 

 

Now over time they'll probably tell you, right? Now we got to worry about that logic-ish stuff that doesn't really make sense, but just kind of ignore that and just roll with it. Because, again, the more they feel validated, the more they feel encouraged to share the more they're going to receive your feedback. 

 

Teen incentives and rewards used the right way.

So anyways, motivation is really tricky, it's what we attach value to so you have to try to find what that kid attaches value to, build some bridges if you need to through incentives and rewards system, never going over the top and never spending money on that. Just using things they already have or activities that they want to participate in. A lot of times you'd be surprised, it's actually spending time with family, as long as they get to pick what they're doing and sort of how they do that. So be aware of that, and it's easy to just shut that down, "Oh, my kid doesn't want to spend time with me." I would say like 90% of kids that I worked in my practice over the last 15 years loved spending time with their families, as long as, like I said, they get to pick what they're doing, when they do it, sort of how they do it. So you got to give up a little bit of control in that, and I think you're going to have some fun with that. 

 

So anyways, I know this is a tricky topic, but I hope that gives you a little bit of insight and things to think about and some techniques to use as you move forward in attempting to motivate your kid to do the things that they might not otherwise want to do. 

 

Again, like always, appreciate all of those messages coming in, keep sending them, the email address is [email protected]. And if you want to get more information on how to end defiance and disrespect in your teen, check out the website parentingyourteens.com. There's free trainings and you'll learn a ton of valuable information on how to reach your goals with your teen. Again, thanks a lot for tuning in, and we'll see you next time. 

 

About Christopher Taylor, MFT

Christopher Taylor, MFT is a teen expert, therapist, author, and speaker with 16 years of experience working with teens and families. He provides teen and family therapy services in Folsom, Granite Bay, El Dorado Hills and surrounding areas. Chris is the author and creator of the Back to Basics: Tayloring Your Teen For Success Program, consisting of the book, workbook and online course.

 

Parenting help for teen social anxiety.

Hi. And welcome to the Parenting Your Teens podcast where each week we take a question submitted from a viewer, and we answer it, so that you leave with practical solutions to a specific issue that you could potentially be facing in your teen. 

 

So today, we have an email from Mary that lives in Portland. So that's awesome, we're getting some reach going and she's all the way out in Portland. So I'm excited for that, and thanks a ton, Mary, for submitting this. 

 

Now what Mary is asking is she says, "My teenage son, he's 16, is suffering from social anxiety. My husband and I don't deal with it ourselves, so we don't know what to do to help him through this." 

 

Okay, so social anxiety is very, very common in teens. They don't have that sense of self like we talked about in previous podcast, they have a lot of concern of what other people think, so there's this constant message of judgment and I'm not good enough sort of going through their mind. So her question is what do we do to deal with social anxiety. 

How bad is your teen’s anxiety?

Now first you have to look at like what degree of social anxiety we're dealing with, because you can have really low level, I just have a little sort of awkwardness or hesitation when I'm in a group of people that I don't know. Or you could have social anxiety that is more like what we call agoraphobia, which means they don't even leave their house because it's so debilitating. So like I said, you want to kind of look at where they're at, and I think you'll see that this kind of hits sort of that majority of social anxiety cases, but it won't work for those real extreme cases, because that's just a much different situation and obviously much more severe. As a side note, that usually takes years and years of dealing with untreated anxiety to develop, so you probably won't deal with that with your teen in the first place. 

Understand your teen’s anxious thoughts.

But really the biggest thing is understanding what your teen's going through by understanding what their thoughts are. Now this is really scary for teens, because they don't really want to openly share the idea of being vulnerable and talking about things that are emotionally-based, it can be really overwhelming. But you have to tell them like, "Look, if we can identify the thoughts that you're having, we can really challenge what your emotional response to that is." 

 

So you just want to start by saying, "Okay, let's look at it, you're experiencing anxiety, what's the thought that you're having?" 

 

Now this is the key part - when you talk about the thoughts they're having, you want to look at the core negative thoughts, automatic negative thoughts that are core, right? So a negative thought of like I don't like the rain, right? Okay, so that's kind of a negative thought, but it's very basic, very general, very surface level. What we want to do is get down to that core negative belief, right? 

Eliminate negative core beliefs in your teen.

So a core negative belief would be - I'm bad, I'm unlovable, people won't like me, there's nothing good about me, just that like self-loathing sort of attacking thought that really just takes all of our value away, so why would we ever open up to connecting with somebody in that way? So what we want to do is we want to identify that thought, right? 

 

And then we want to start the process of challenging it. We want to look at what's the evidence that supports that thought for your teen. 

 

Now here's the thing - you have to look at it and address it as if that is true. Because for them it really is true. Once you get what that evidence that supports is, you can then look at what is the evidence that doesn't support. So say that the negative thought is I I'm not good enough, right? So you'll look at the things that say I'm not good enough and they'll say, "Well, I got rejected by a peer. I don't get good grades. I'm not pretty or I don't look good. I'm not tall. I'm not skinny enough," right? All of that kind of self stuff.

 

And then you have to look at the evidence that says you are good enough, right? And so they'll say, "Well, I actually have friends, people like to spend time with me, I'm funny," right? And so they'll start challenging it. And you want to do a basis of comparison in that. And have them do the basis of comparison. 

Establish positive thought patterns for your teen. 

Now you shift to creating an alternative thought, right? So what's the thought that they're going to challenge that initial negative core belief thought with? Now this is the key - I tell them you can't bring a water gun to that fight, because that core negative belief, you attach truth to that, it's such a strong association that if you come with a, "Well, maybe sometimes I'm sort of good enough," right? No, it's not going to be it. You got to be like, "I'm amazing, I'm fantastic, I'm incredible." And here's the thing - they have to tell that to themselves over and over and over again. You can't do it as a parent, but you can teach them how to do that for themselves.

 

And then the feeling that comes after it usually is not, "I'm anxiety-free," and I always make this point to kids, it's, "I'm less anxious." So you want to kind of right-size the expectation from the outset. 

 

Here's the thing - neurologically it takes about 28 days to build in a new neural pathway, and really a neural pathway is just a thought pattern. So 30 days of regularly challenging that negative belief, they're going to start to feel better and better and better, and we get to the end of that 30 days they're going to have way less anxiety than they started with. 

 

So anyways, here's just a really sort of basic, kind of DIY, work with your kids at home to start rooting out some of that negative belief and replacing it with some positive thoughts that they have about themselves. And I think you'll start to see those social anxiety symptoms decrease pretty quickly, and at the very least, or I should say at the very most, at about 30 days you're going to see a real big shift occur. 

 

So anyways, thanks for tuning in this time to the podcast. And like always, if you want to learn how to end defiance or disrespect in your teen visit parentingyourteens.com where you can attend a free training on how to do that very thing. Thanks a lot, and we'll see you next time. 

 

About Christopher Taylor, MFT

Christopher Taylor, MFT is a teen expert, therapist, author, and speaker with 16 years of experience working with teens and families. He provides teen and family therapy services in Folsom, Granite Bay, El Dorado Hills and surrounding areas. Chris is the author and creator of the Back to Basics: Tayloring Your Teen For Success Program, consisting of the book, workbook and online course.

 

A simple solution to communicating with teenagers.

Welcome to the Parenting Your Teens podcast where each week I take a real-life question submitted by a listener or viewer at home, and answer it, so everybody can leave with real life practical solutions to a situation that they're facing with their teen. 

 

Today's question is something I think can apply to every parent who has ever had a teenager in their home. This particular question says, "When I attempt to engage with my teen, it seems like all they do is answer with one word answers." Okay, so I think we know exactly what that sounds like it's, "I'm fine, okay, nothing." Sometimes there's a little bit of attitude, a little bit of anger that sort of underlies the response. 

 

So now that we know what we're seeing from our teen, the big question is what do we do to address that? 

 

This is something that really needs to be understood not in terms of the what the behavior is, but why the behavior is happening. 

Why does your teen shut you out?

So let's look at my teen walks through the door and immediately I say, "Hey, honey. How was your day?" And they say, "Fine." And they drop their backpack and go up to their room. Any future attempt at engagement seems to escalate them; they might get angry, sort of rude or dismissive of anything that we try to do. 

 

Again, the why. 

 

So teens in this situation generally are responding because they don't feel like their parents understand them. Now a lot of times parents will say, "Look, I was a teenager wants too. I completely understand what's going on." And the truth is that's just not true, you don't know what your kid's going through, you don't know the pressures that they're facing. And because of that they don't feel validated, and I would imagine at times they probably even feel judged because the things that they're doing or the choices they're making wouldn't be supported by their parent. 

 

So this isn't about getting into the don't do this or assigning consequences or sort of being overly concerned with what your teen's doing. Not at this stage, that's for another question for a future podcast. This is all about how do we lay the groundwork to get our teens to open up and to engage with us in meaningful conversations. 

 

Turning your teen into the expert.

So there's a very basic easy technique that I use with almost every client, and it works like a charm. What I call it is Remaining Curious, and basically the idea behind this is everybody loves to be an expert, right? If you put somebody in an expert role, they will talk and share with you about anything and everything. So that's what we want to do. We want to put your teen in the expert role of their own life. 

 

Now what that does is initially it gets them to start trusting that when they do share that there's value in the sharing, that you as a parent are going to validate, and you're going to encourage more sharing. 

 

Now this isn't the time to correct or to give opinions, and certainly not judge, because that's just going to instantly shut a teen down no matter what. This is all about, like I said, laying the foundation and the groundwork so that they progressively start opening more and more up with you, and you can get a better sense of what their thoughts are, the rationale for why they're making the decisions, and ultimately it'll give you the opportunity to circle back around at a later date so that you can have more meaningful conversations or interject sort of some of that corrective coaching that as a parent we really just all need to do at a point. 

 

Ask meaningful and relevant questions about your teen’s life.

So how do you remain curious? Well, this is a really simple technique that has a lot of nuance to it. So it's all about the questions you ask. 

 

Now here's a boring question - how was your day today? Fine. Right, it's closed, there's not an opportunity to share anything more than that. Here's a hot-button topic that I think a lot of other parents could relate to - hey, what level are you at in Fortnite or how many kills do you have in Fortnite or what's the craziest thing that you saw at school this week? Those sorts of things, things that are relevant and meaningful to the teen's life that they're going to hear and say, "Oh, wow, my parent really cares about what I'm going through and what I'm experienced." 

 

Now you want to make sure that it's authentic and that it's not forced and you're just trying to find an angle that the kid doesn't really have any intention to talk to you about. So you have to make sure that it's relevant to your particular teen. 

 

So I gave a couple of general examples, but the reality is I probably wouldn't even use those, it just kind of gets you away from that how was your day thinking and try to get deeper into what they're experiencing within their own personal life. 

 

Like I said, it's not about correcting - it's just about hearing. Think of it as like running a reconnaissance mission, right? You're just trying to get as much information as you can about who your kid is. And when you approach it as if you don't really even know who your kid is or what they're all about, then you're going to very quickly be in that curious role, and they're going to very naturally fall into that expert role where they're able to share and get excited. 

 

Be patient when talking to your teen.

So this is going to take a little bit of time to do, it's not a one-and-done - oh, it worked perfectly the first time. You just want to do it regularly and consistently enough so that your kid starts to trust it over time. Once they trust it, which I would say usually takes a couple of weeks, then they will start seeking out conversation on their own. And get this, and I think this is what really all parents want at the end of the day, is not only will they not shut you down and they'll actually seek you out for conversation, but they'll value your exact feedback. So that's so important, right? Because if your teen is valuing your feedback, you can take them in so many different directions and get them to understand how they're living life based on what your values and ideas are. 

 

So I'm excited that you guys are going to have the opportunity to try this really basic tip. 

 

So that's it, right? So how do you get your teen to stop responding with fine? Put them in the role of expert, ask meaningful, direct questions. Don't judge and always attempt to validate. 

 

The initial conversation is not about correcting, it's about hearing and understanding. And you can follow up with a subsequent conversation, whether it's later that day or the next day by just saying, "Hey, that thing that you said, I really wanted to kind of follow up with that because I didn't understand or I wanted to share some ideas that I have." And like I said, over time they're going to be more and more open to hearing that. 

 

So thanks for tuning in today. Thanks for listening. As always, if you're interested in ending defiance and disrespect in your teen, go ahead and check out the parentingyourteens.com website. There you'll find free trainings and a lot more information about how you can be the best parent in parenting your teens. 

 

About Christopher Taylor, MFT

Christopher Taylor, MFT is a teen expert, therapist, author, and speaker with 16 years of experience working with teens and families. He provides teen and family therapy services in Folsom, Granite Bay, El Dorado Hills and surrounding areas. Chris is the author and creator of the Back to Basics: Tayloring Your Teen For Success Program, consisting of the book, workbook and online course.

 

Real help for your teen’s mental health.

Thanks for tuning into the Parenting Your Teens podcast. Like we do every week, we take a question that was submitted from somebody listening or watching at home, and I answer it to give you real practical solutions to an issue that you're facing with your teen. 

 

So today's question comes from somebody local, it actually came out of my practice this week. So kind of a shout out to my hometown of Folsom. But this one is a very ... it's an interesting question, because it touches on a lot of different topics. So the question is, "Chris, my daughter is really struggling with low self-esteem. It seems to be impacting every area of her life." She says, "School's affected, friends are affected, she's not really enjoying other activities that she used to before." 

 

Is it teen depression?

So I get where she's going with that because the language that she used in the question starts to kind of lead to this place of is it low self-esteem or are we dealing with a full-blown depression, right? And when we get to full-blown depression, obviously that's scary, because with that can come self-harm, a lot of anxiety is attached to depression, suicidal issues, substance use, right? All of that becomes much more of a thing when you're dealing with that level. 

 

But I want to focus on the topic that she asked in this particular question about low self-esteem. So teens are going through this period of their life, it's all about identity formation, right? It's who am I, who am I going to be, what's accepted, what's not, where do I find my value? And I think when we look back at our own lives we know that that time is all about peers, right? It's where do I fit in, who accepts me, what do I have to do to get that acceptance and approval? 

 

And when you don't feel good about yourself or you're not able to access that level of connection, a lot of kids just feel like there's something wrong with themselves, that they're not good enough, that if they were only X, Y, or Z then everything would be fine. 

 

So what I want to talk about is not only like what low self-esteem is, because I think we generally probably all know that for the most part, but what I want to look at is what do you do to challenge that type of thinking. It is thinking. It is the idea that our thoughts control our emotions. 

 Teen self-esteem is developmental.

Now teens have a really hard time with that, because developmentally they're just on such a different path. Now we all think development happens where it's like I physically develop, I emotionally develop, I intellectually develop, and it all goes on this timeline that's all lined up perfectly and then you go from 13 to 18, when you're 18 everything's all perfect, because now I'm an adult. Well, that's not true, and it's a lot of times more staggered. So you'll get a kid that develops intellectually, then physically, then emotionally. 

 

And so when it's staggered like that, they kind of trip out of the gate, right? And they stumble a little bit and they have a difficult time finding their footing. We talk about it as like awkwardness, but that's really what it is, it's that those sort of three parts of development aren't either lining up exactly at the same time. 

 

So this is a technique that I use in my practice to work with kids that really are struggling with this sort of who am I, where's my value, who defines me - that's a great question. Who defines you? Does the world, do other people or do you? Because if you let other people and the world define you, well, they're probably not going to be very kind to you. And even if they are, they might not kind of key in on that core issue or that core area that you feel is of ultimate value for you. 

 

So anyways, here's a really basic technique, I love it, it's all predicated on the idea of like our thoughts control our behaviors. 

 

Help your teen evaluate their SELF.

So what I do is I get kids to write a list, and when I do it in my office I have a whiteboard, I get them to do it on the whiteboard. But you can have them do it on a piece of paper or really anywhere that they just have an opportunity to write it down. 

 

So what I do is I ask them to identify three areas of their life, and as many things in each category as they can identify. So it's what are you good at, what do you like about yourself, and what are you interested in? And then I just say go. 

 

Now honestly, kids get usually three, maybe five things, and they're like, "That's it." And I'm like ... and I'll tell them like, "That's it, three or five things is all that you can think about what you're good at, what you like about yourself, and what you're interested in?" And I'll really start to challenge them, like sort of that like it's kind of not enough. Because I want them to really push themselves to explore at deeper levels. 

 

So I'll help prompt them, I'm like, "Hey, are you caring? Are you smart? Are you funny? Do you like sports? Do you like TV? Do you like to dance? Are you into art," right? Just kind of getting that prompt going. 

 

And what I tell kids is I'm going to try to get about 30 things down and they look at me like I'm crazy, they're like, "I'm not going to get thirty things. I had a hard enough time getting five," right? So when you get the ball rolling, all of a sudden they start getting it coming out. And like I said you prompt them a little bit through it, but at the end you'll get this list of about 30. 

 

Now you could keep going with them. I always tell them, "If we had more time, we'd probably be able to get to 50, probably even a hundred things if we really had a lot of time." But you don't want to overwhelm them with it, you just want to get to about 30. If you feel like that's going to be a stretch, do like 25, kind of feel your teen out. 

 

Help your teens see the best in themselves.

Then when you have that list, look at it and have them look at it, and ask them, "Is there anything about it that was surprising to you? Anything stand out to you?" And then just kind of pick a couple of things that are more character about them and highlight them, and just say, "Wow, that's really awesome that you identify that you're a really giving person," or, "That's awesome that you have a high level of empathy." Because those are sort of core pieces of ourselves. 

 

The interests and the hobbies and the things we're good at, that's nice, and that'll boost up our confidence. But that's a little too surface to kind of hit deep into sort of that sense of self where we really want to get, okay? 

 

So we have that list created, now this is what I do - I take the teen and I say, "I'm going to present you with a scenario. Now this is what the scenario is - you're at school and a guidance counselor comes up to you and says, 'Hey, we've got a new student that's starting at school today, but we need to make new friends for them. And I need those friends to happen like right now because they're going to be here in a really short amount of time.'" So I want to know right now will you be friends with that person. And here's the catch - the only thing I can do is give you this list, and you show them the list that they just created, okay? 

 

And you say, "Now I need to know right now will you be friends with them?" And they'll scan the list, and it seems so basic and simple and the teens would know exactly what's going on, but they don't, they're just in it, and they're experiencing it. So you show them the list, they look through it, and you say, "Would you be friends with them?" And a hundred percent of kids I work with say, "Yes, I would be friends with them." 

 

Let your teen do the work.

Now here's the thing - I asked them why, right? And they pause and they think about it and they look at the list and they'll say because they seem really cool or they're a great person or they seem really interesting. And so then I pause and I look at them and I say, "Yes, you are." And they have this look on their face like a thousand pounds just dropped off their shoulders. They finally saw that just because of who they are, they have value. 

 

Now that's a lot different than just jumping in and saying, "Hey, look, you're great, you're fantastic, you have every reason to love yourself," right? That's nice to hear, but it's not going to shift the deeper beliefs and thoughts around that like this specific exercise would. 

 

So anyways, I just encourage you to try that with your teens. I know you're going to have like awesome results and they're going to love it. Afterwards they'll sort of joke and kind of laugh about it.

 

Here's a little bonus tip - create an affirmation for them. Every morning have them wake up and just say a positive self-statement, "I'm awesome, I'm amazing, I'm incredible." Those sorts of things. If you can get them to do that regularly, man, their life's going to change really quick and they'll start seeing like I said their true value, not based on kind of what the world says their value is. 

 

So anyways, thanks for tuning in today. And like always, if you want to learn more about ending the defiance and disrespect in your teens, then visit parentingyourteens.com where you can get a free training on ending the defiance and disrespect using three steps. So anyways, thanks, again, for tuning in. And we'll see you next time. 

 

About Christopher Taylor, MFT

Christopher Taylor, MFT is a teen expert, therapist, author, and speaker with 16 years of experience working with teens and families. He provides teen and family therapy services in Folsom, Granite Bay, El Dorado Hills and surrounding areas. Chris is the author and creator of the Back to Basics: Tayloring Your Teen For Success Program, consisting of the book, workbook and online course.

 

Teen mental health help.

Welcome to the Parenting Your Teens podcast. I'm your host, Chris Taylor, and I am super excited to be starting this podcast and sharing with you the information that I've gathered over the last 15 years of working with teens and their families. 

 

A teen expert.A little bit of background on me, so yeah, I've been working with teens and their families for about 15 years. Over that time I've done a ton of stuff, I've worked in all-boys academic programs, girls residential programs, a lot of that time was spent in administration, I spent some time building programs for Santa Clara County as well as Sacramento County. I also sat on a steering committee that informed the service delivery model to make mental health services more teen-friendly, and as part of that I had to supervise other staff and make those recommendations that I thought were the best. 

 

So anyways enough about me, I'm just, again, really excited to be sharing 15 years of knowledge of working with some of the hardest teens. 

 

And my whole goal behind this is really all about giving you practical solutions to the real life challenges that you're facing. None of this is fluff, none of this sort of canned responses; this is all about what works, what works now, and what I have seen work day in and day out in my practice over a long period of time. 

 

Real parent questions about their teens answered.

So the format of this is going to be kind of cool, it's going to be basically me answering a question a week. So there's an email address - [email protected], and you can send any question you have to that email address. And I'm going to pick kind of the best or most relevant ones that I think will apply to the largest group of people. But please, don't hesitate to send those in, because I think it's going to be super cool to read all of your questions. And like I said, you never know if yours is going to be the one that gets picked. 

 

So again, this is just kind of the intro to what the Parenting Your Teens podcast is going to be. And I just really am excited, because I know you're going to get so much value out of it, and you're going to learn so much that's going to help you on your journey of parenting teenagers, which we all know is not the easiest journey to be on. So before we get started on all of that, I just really want to commend you for even being at this place to receive this information and be open to trying maybe some new tactics or a different way. 

 

And like always, we end every podcast with just a reminder, if you would like more information on ending defiance and disrespect in your teen - go ahead and jump on the website parentingyourteens.com, and there you can get a free training and a ton of other valuable information. So again, thank you for visiting. And we'll see you on episode one. All right, thanks. 

 

About Christopher Taylor, MFT

Christopher Taylor, MFT is a teen expert, therapist, author, and speaker with 16 years of experience working with teens and families. He provides teen and family therapy services in Folsom, Granite Bay, El Dorado Hills and surrounding areas. Chris is the author and creator of the Back to Basics: Tayloring Your Teen For Success Program, consisting of the book, workbook and online course.