Penny Men

This week on The Penny Men, Ben, Tom, and Gregory pry open the carbonite-sealed vault of Star Wars Legends—because somebody had to suffer so you don’t have to!

We start by debating the lost art of fight pacing, from kung fu cinema’s lightning kicks to wrestling’s slow-burn feuds, and how those ideas crash-land into the galaxy far, far away! Then we hit hyperspace into the weirdest corners of the Expanded Universe, where the rules of canon are made up and the names are blue!

Topics:

• Grand Admiral Thrawn makes his big brain debut
• Mara Jade shows up to make everyone nervous
• Han Solo accidentally wins an entire planet in a card game
• Luke falls in love with a computer (sure)
• Emperor Palpatine refuses to stay dead—coming back not once, not twice, but so many times you start rooting for the guy!

We talk about:

• The Sun Crusher (a ship that’s somehow stronger than the Death Star)
• The Force witches of Dathomir
• And the questionable fashion choices of 1990s sci-fi art!

Expect tangents about

• Remington Steele
• Zorro
• John Bravo
• The Courtship of Luke’s Sister (oops)
• And why every clone has to spell their name with an extra “u!”

It’s lore overload, but we’re doing it for you!

Buckle up as the Penny Men wrestle with the wildest Expanded Universe stories ever printed—because once you’ve stared into the abyss of Legends, the abyss starts quoting Timothy Zahn back at you!

Welcome one, welcome all, to What’s So Great About Star Wars?, the 64-bit avant-garde cast starring your Penny Men hosts in full obscure-character cosplay: Bib Fortuna, Salacious Crumb, and… Koopa? Sure, why not!

The Penny Men—past, present, future; now and forever—are here for Episode 86, and yes, that number is totally on purpose (don’t fact-check us)! Why? Because this week, we’re diving into the most unexpected corners of the galaxy: Ewoks: The Battle for Endor!

If you thought Caravan of Courage was wild, buckle up!

We’ve got it all:

• Orphaned kids and talking teddy bears
• Space marauders who barely understand their own technology
• A shapeshifting witch with raven powers (and questionable motives)
• Wilford Brimley as a grumpy old hermit who bakes muffins and owns a secret spaceship
• Stop-motion creatures, awkward musical interludes, and a song about stars that might haunt your dreams
• An actual battle (sort of) for Endor, complete with traps, moats, and marauders falling on their butts

Plus, we ask the hard questions:

• Why kill off Mace five minutes in?
• Did George Lucas really write this?
• How fast can Teek run?
• And how does this all fit in with Star Wars canon—or does it?

Grab your slingshot, prep your hang glider, and join us as we decide once and for all: Is Ewoks II better than Caravan of Courage, or just a fever dream sponsored by oatmeal?

“Ewoks, Droids, and the Forgotten Star Wars Cartoons”

Before Baby Yoda, before Clone Wars, there was… a galaxy far, far away that woke up early on Saturday mornings! That’s right—we’re talking Ewoks and Droids, the animated sidequests of Star Wars that aired in the mid-’80s and somehow lived in the deep recesses of your VHS tapes!

This week, The Penny Men grab a bowl of sugary cereal, kick back on the carpet, and dive into:

• The Nelvana Era: Why the animation looks so Canadian and what that says about George Lucas’s choices
• Theme Song Fever: From Ewok singalongs to Droids’ weird synth intro that sounds like your cousin’s garage band in 1985
• Economics of Endor: How the Ewoks somehow mastered barter systems and guerrilla warfare
• The Droid Adventures: C-3PO and R2-D2 wandering into pulp sci-fi trouble with villains like Kaibo Ren (yes, before Kylo stole his thunder)

Deep Cuts & Fun Facts:

• Alison Court (yes, the voice of Jubilee from X-Men: The Animated Series) pops up as Milani
• Why Boba Fett keeps showing up like he’s checking in on the wrong show
• How this was all technically canon… until it wasn’t

The Big Question: Were these cartoons charming Star Wars world-building or a fever dream Lucas had during a sugar crash?

Plus:

• Weird trivia
• Embarrassing theme song singalongs
• And us trying to figure out if this was better than the Holiday Special (spoiler: yes, but only slightly)!

Strap in for a nostalgia trip through a corner of the galaxy most fans pretend doesn’t exist—but we went there, and we brought receipts!

The Penny Men are back—and this time, we’ve crash-landed on Endor (and maybe in a Kmart toy aisle circa 1985)!

Join us as we dive headfirst into the Ewok era, that magical post-Return of the Jedi time when Lucasfilm said, “No lightsabers? No problem!” and gave us a pair of made-for-TV epics, an Ewok cartoon, and a reason to learn Ewokese without subtitles!

This episode is a nostalgic hyperspace jump through the parts of Star Wars you probably forgot, featuring:

• Caravan of Courage and Battle for Endor – Why these TV movies existed, what they got right (Gorax design, practical FX), and how Burl Ives somehow ended up narrating both Ewoks and Frosty the Snowman!
• The Great Canon Debate – Movies, holiday specials, Ewok cartoons, Marvel comics, coloring books, trading cards, and novels! What counts? What doesn’t? Does Steve Sansweet control the entire galaxy of lore from his Skywalker Ranch vault?
• The Origin of “Mary Sue” – A quick detour to Star Trek fanzines, the most polite insult ever invented, and how it became the internet’s favorite hot-button topic!
• The Toys That Made Us (and Ruined Our Budgets) – From Kmart clearance bins to Toys R Us holy grails, we share the action figures that started wars in our households! (Hint: no one wanted Gonk Droid, but someone always got stuck with him!)
• Unmade Sequels and Spaceballs Dreams – Why we never got Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money and how that fake poster still haunts our collective nerd brains!
• Math That Should Never Be Done in Public – Ewok years vs. dog years vs. Wookiee years! What even is time on Endor?
• Ewokese: A Linguistic Challenge – Why these movies said “subtitles are for cowards” and whether anyone on Earth can actually speak fluent Yub Nub!

Also featuring:

• Warwick Davis appreciation hour (seriously, the man is a legend)!
• Gorax nightmare fuel that makes Rancors look like puppies!
• The Caravan of Courage debate: essential viewing or just a bold Lucasfilm tax write-off?

It’s equal parts nostalgia trip, canon chaos, and absurd trivia showdown—all wrapped in a cozy Ewok blanket!

So press play, grab your favorite vintage action figure, and join us as we celebrate a time when the galaxy far, far away got very, very weird… and wonderful!

Yub Nub forever!

Revenge? Return? The Jedi Finale and the Bear That Eats You!

The Penny Men have reached the end of the original trilogy, and boy, does this one have everything:

• Luke Skywalker pulling the old “But what if I can redeem him?” move
• Obi-Wan serving half-truths and Force ghosts in equal measure
• Teddy bears winning a war with sticks, logs, and sheer audacity
• Vader’s big redemption arc (and his big egg head reveal)
• John Williams flexing harder than a Wookiee on Life Day!

We cover the good, the goofy, and the galaxy-sized stakes:

• Why the title changed from Revenge of the Jedi to Return of the Jedi
• How many Bothans really died for this plot
• Ewok traps vs. Imperial tech (and who wins in a fair fight)
• Luke vs. Vader: the ultimate dad issues showdown
• The Emperor’s new lightning trick
• And that ending: fires, fireworks, and Force ghosts!

All that plus tangents about:

• Willow
• Weird X-Men trivia
• Tarzan-y Chewbacca
• And a very strong case for Ewok cannibalism! (Write in: Is it cannibalism if they eat stormtroopers?)

Grab your medals, bang on some stormtrooper helmets, and join us for the galaxy’s most yub-nub-tastic party!

Welcome back to the galaxy that’s not so far, far away—because it’s happening right now on The Penny Men Podcast!

This week, Greg, Ben, and Tom wrap up the Original Trilogy with Return of the Jedi (or should we say Revenge?)!

We dive into everything:

• Jabba’s endless party of pig guards
• Blue elephant bands
• Chains strong enough to strangle a slug
• Luke’s suspiciously dark new tricks
• And whether Lando is actually doing anything besides accessorizing!

Expect tangents as always:

• What’s the deal with Waldo from the MuppetVision 3D show?
• Who is Jodo Kast and why is he stealing Boba Fett’s clout?
• Why were 1980s Marvel comics packed with psychic rabbits, orange fish boys, and porcupine Jedi?
• And which Looney Tunes crossover would you greenlight first—Skate Jam, Spy Jam, or Punk Jam?

Plus, a heartfelt farewell to the greatest puppet death scene of all time!

Bring your grappling hook, your Max Rebo playlist, and maybe a rankor snack—because we’re going out to Jabba’s barge in style!

Somehow, The Penny Men returned… to talk about the one Star War that changed everything: The Empire Strikes Back!

This week, we go deep—like “Wampa cave-deep”—into the greatest sequel of all time and all the weirdness orbiting it!

We’re talking:

• The Twist Heard ‘Round the Galaxy – How Vader broke Luke’s heart, why the line on set was way different, and which actors were actually told the truth!
• Empire’s Cliffhanger Chaos – Did George Lucas invent the post-credits sting without even knowing it?
• Marvel’s Star Wars Comics Gone Wild – Pink-haired Leia rivals! Extra Han Solo knockoffs! Darth Vader’s secret glove backstory!
• The Shadows of the Empire Hype Machine – A video game, a novel, a toy line… but no movie? (Spoiler: we all owned the Dash Rendar action figure!)
• Toy Marketing that Brainwashed Us – Kenner’s plastic empire, Lando’s questionable cape fashion, and why your parents still resent the words “Power of the Force!”
• Expanded Universe Fever Dreams – Han Solo’s smuggling prequels, Lando’s casino adventures, and a planet-sized dose of 80s pulp!
• Why Return of the Jedi Might Secretly Be the Best – Ewoks vs. Murder Bears, and how Luke almost joined the Dark Side!

Bonus Round: RoboCop 3’s Robot Ninjas – We explain why this was both amazing and terrible, and why a jetpack doesn’t always save a franchise!

All that, plus:

• OSHA violations in Cloud City
• The ethics of carbon-freezing your friends
• And how many dismembered limbs is too many for a family saga!

The Penny Men dive headfirst into the galaxy far, far away—again! This time, Greg, Tom, and Ben chart the weird, wild gap between A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back!

Ever wonder what happened between blowing up the Death Star and Luke freezing his face off on Hoth? Marvel comics, green space rabbits, bizarre British stories (some by Alan Moore?!), and a Life Day celebration you’ll never forget—or forgive!

We cover:

• The Star Wars Holiday Special in all its two-hour glory (Bea Arthur! Boba Fett! Erotic grandpa VR?!)
• The Christmas album with songs like What Do You Get a Wookiee for Christmas When He Already Owns a Comb?
• And Splinter of the Mind’s Eye—the book that almost became the sequel!

Then it’s on to Empire Strikes Back:

• Probe droids
• Wampas
• Force pulls
• Tow cables
• Yoda’s grammar lessons
• Asteroid worms
• And the greatest twist in movie history (even if you already know it)!

Plus, Greg explains why skeleton warriors made him quit cartoons, Tom defends Bea Arthur’s place in the Star Wars canon, and Greg does his best impression of the song “R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas!” Spoiler: it’s wonderful!

The Penny Men blast off for a Star Wars: A New Hope breakdown… and promptly crash into a pile of weird trivia, bad action figures, and an uncomfortable amount of Jar Jar content!

Highlights include:

• Why Biggs Darklighter is the best character who never mattered
• The tragedy of Porkins (and his cursed name)
• Chewbacca’s medal snub: speciesism or simple oversight?
• Deleted scenes you didn’t know existed (Luke had friends??)
• Special Editions: who asked for more dewbacks?
• That horrifying Jar Jar Binks candy with the sticky tongue
• LEGO Star Wars specials, Ewok cartoons, and a brief flirtation with Spaceballs
• The best and worst Star Wars deaths (hint: RIP Greedo’s dignity)!

Come for the commentary, stay for the chaos! Punch it, Chewie!

🎧 Listen now wherever you get your podcasts!

Welcome back to The Penny Men, the podcast that never actually starts, it just keeps testing!

This week we promise we’re talking about Star Wars… but first we have to talk about:

• French Nikes
• Segways
• George W. Bush falling off a Segway
• J.R.R. Tolkien’s middle initials
• Jennifer Coolidge Rowling
• The Notorious B.F.G.
• A Spielberg fever dream
• Ben’s cat committing acts of war
• Gem and the Holograms action figures
• Flea markets
• And the philosophical definition of “whiny!”

Somewhere in there, we actually watch Star Wars: A New Hope in release order and try to explain the plot from memory, which means you’ll hear hot takes like:

• R2-D2 is both the smartest and dumbest robot ever made!
• Tusken Raiders: masks or faces? (We don’t know either!)
• Obi-Wan’s greatest Jedi skill is lying from a certain point of view!
• Why George Lucas is basically Quentin Tarantino if he only stole from things your grandparents saw at the movies!
• And why Star Wars toys are the only true way to measure childhood happiness!

It’s a thousand-hour conversation with three old friends (currently at hour 78), but don’t worry—we’ll make it to episode 1,000, even if we have to whiz-pop-whiz-bang our way there!