Attachment theory has been all the rage recently, and hey, we get it - it’s a super helpful tool that comes up a lot in our work! But we’ve also been noticing some common pitfalls that are easy to stumble into while exploring the world of attachment styles. Labels like anxious, avoidant, or disorganized can feel quite restrictive, especially when people start to assume them as an identity.

Here’s the thing: you are a whole, complex, multifaceted person, and every relationship you have is going to be a little (or a lot!) different when it comes to attachment. That’s why, in this episode, we break down a fresh perspective on attachment, focusing on our tendencies instead of rigid labels.

We discuss the importance of context and nuance within conversations about attachment, especially when it comes to non-monogamous relationships. Plus, we talk about why there's a real need for more research in this area – and nope, it's not just because I'm a total research nerd!

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Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Some kinds of jealousy can just feel totally overwhelming. They may even make you feel rage. Justice jealousy is definitely one of them.

Justice jealousy—a term that was coined by Jessica Fern (one of our favorite authors and recurring PWF guest)—can happen when your partner wasn’t able to provide something for you in the past, and then you witness them providing that same thing to one of their other partners. Ouch!

The feelings that come up in these situations can be strong. So we’re here to give you strong frameworks, ideas, and tools that can help you understand, unpack, and work towards finding a resolution. (Spoiler alert, resolution might not look like what you had in mind when justice jealousy is in the picture!)

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why it’s important to know the difference between jealousy and envy

— What underlying issues can fuel strong feelings of justice jealousy

— Why it may be more helpful to focus on empathy and understanding instead of strict ideas of fairness

— The complexities of relationship repair in situations of justice jealousy

— Communication, forgiveness, healing, and the tools that can help you work through justice jealousy and its related issues

Resources mentioned in this episode:⁠Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-Monogamy⁠ by Jessica Fern

⁠Imago Dialogue: Episode 129 of Playing With Fire⁠

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Read the transcript of this episode ⁠here⁠

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠⁠Blue Dot Sessions⁠

Conflict happens. Especially when differentiation and individuation are parts of your personal and relational journeys. And that’s a good thing!

Enter Imago Dialogue, a communication tool created by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt. Not only can it transform your communication, using Imago Dialogue can transform conflict into more connection.

Whether you’re practicing Imago Dialogue with a romantic partner, family member, or friend, the core idea behind it is something a lot of us have talked about before: I want to feel understood. I want you to understand me!

We walk through the steps of Imago Dialogue, but we also go deeper and talk about how you can set yourself up for success. We talk about practical tools, like emotional regulation techniques, to use before and after your conversation, and we walk through an entire real-life, real-time example of using Imago Dialogue.

Learn more about Dr. Harville Hendrix’s and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt’s work here: ⁠www.HarvilleAndHelen.com⁠

JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠⁠

Learn the ⁠5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! ⁠Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here⁠

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠⁠Blue Dot Sessions

For too long, conversations about polyamory have centered on younger people. But what happens to open relationships as we get older? Kathy Labriola, author of many groundbreaking titles including The Jealousy Workbook, joins us to explain why age doesn’t have to mean the end of polyamory. In fact, non-monogamy can actually become more valuable as we age.

It is so important for our community to have access to non-monogamous representation and stories. As someone who has been a polyamorist for 50 years, Kathy is a wealth of knowledge, inspiration, and stories.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why polyamory can be an especially resilient model for aging

— How having multiple partners can provide emotional and practical support in later years

— The unique perspective of poly elders who've been practicing consensual non-monogamy for decades

— Why some people discover and embrace polyamory later in life

— Common concerns for older folks exploring non-monogamy (like family reactions and healthcare)

— The evolution of resources and support for the polyam community

— How relationship needs and desires naturally shift with age

— Why traditional models of coupling may become less appealing in later years

— The wisdom poly elders have gained from decades of experience

— Ways that disability and changing abilities impact relationships

— The importance of having multiple support systems as we age

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Polyamorous Elders: Aging in Open Relationships by Kathy Labriola

— Kathy Labriola's website

— Kathy’s other books including The Polyamory Breakup Book, Love in Abundance, and The Jealousy Workbook

JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Navigating the endings of relationships doesn't have to be a disaster. When it comes to consciously uncoupling, it’s about so much more than “breaking up nicely.” We want to help you reimagine what’s possible, honor what was, and create space for what comes next, even when it feels incredibly challenging.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why conscious uncoupling requires specific ingredients, including time, willingness to grieve, and self-awareness

— The importance of creating rituals to mark relationship transitions and help process grief

— How the legal system's adversarial nature can complicate conscious uncoupling efforts

— The challenge of letting go of the desire for apologies or accountability from former partners

— Why gentleness needs to be balanced with honesty and clear boundaries

— The value of making "meta-agreements" about how you'll make future agreements, especially with co-parents

— How to handle ambiguous grief when the person is still present in your life

— The importance of having the right support system that won't fuel adversarial dynamics

— Why creating closure might look different than you initially imagined

— The balance between showing grace to yourself and your partner while maintaining healthy boundaries

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Soul Broken: A Guidebook for Your Journey through Ambiguous Grief

— Learn more about Imago Dialogue

JOIN The Year Of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

If you’re polyamorous… what’s the point of getting married?? We get this question a lot. And although we are married, we also have a ton of mixed feelings about marriage. Marriage is way more complex than just saying “I do,” and we want to help you sort through those complexities so that you can decide whether or not to get (or stay) married with consciousness and integrity.

In this episode, we talk about:

— The different components of marriage: legal, social, spiritual, and romantic

— Why the legal privileges of marriage matter (even if we wish they didn't)

— How marriage can serve as a container for intentional relationship development

— The importance of understanding your personal "why" for getting married

— Why wedding vows are just the beginning of ongoing relationship agreements

— The value of regular relationship renegotiation within marriage

— How marriage intersects with non-monogamy and polyamory

— Why some choose marriage for practical benefits while others seek social recognition

— The role of ritual and ceremony in creating shared meaning

— Why "being someone's person" is a common motivation for marriage

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Heath Schechinger's work on legal protections for non-traditional relationships

JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s normal. You do NOT have to accept pain, discomfort, and limitations when it comes to sex, pregnancy, and childbirth as “just the way things are.”

Dr. Ariana Cesare, a pelvic and obstetric physical therapist, is joining us on this episode of Playing With Fire to bust that myth, and many others, when it comes to pain and pleasure.

This conversation is for every body, including men, trans people, and people with disabilities (pregnancy affects 100% of the population—we were all born, and some of us will give birth too!).

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why pelvic floor physical therapy is critically important (and criminally underutilized) during pregnancy and postpartum

— The truth about pain during sex - and why it's never something you just have to accept

— How to prepare your body for birth (hint: it's like training for any other athletic event!)

— The role of pelvic floor muscles in everything from pleasure to incontinence

— Why tampons, speculums, and medical exams should not be painful

— Game-changing tools like dilators and Ohnuts thats make penetrative sex more comfortable

— How to talk to partners about adjustments during sex

— Why pelvic health matters for everyone - including men, trans people, and people with disabilities

— The importance of addressing both physical and psychological aspects of pelvic pain

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Book a FREE consultation with Dr. Cesare

— Follow Dr. Caesare on Instagram @kegels_and_kettlebells

— Follow her on TikTok @DrCesare

— Slippery Stuff lubricant for sensitive skin

JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Gender-based relationship rules might seem like an easy solution to difficult feelings that come up in non-monogamous relationships, but they often mask deeper issues that deserve our attention. Restrictions like "one penis policies" typically stem from unexamined jealousy, fears of competition, and internalized biases.

The desire for these kinds of rules often comes from very real places of emotional distress. But instead of using band-aids, we want you to address the root causes of these issues, so that you can create authentic, strong connections that aren’t held back by biases and societal programming.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why gender-based dating rules are problematic and what they really represent— How jealousy masquerades as "preference" or "boundaries" in gender-based rules— The role of internalized biphobia and homophobia in creating these restrictions— Why competition fears feel different with different genders (and what that reveals)— The importance of examining where our feelings about gender-based rules originate— How cultural programming influences our comfort levels with different gender expressions— Why agreements based on gender restrictions rarely serve either partner— The connection between bisexual erasure and gender-based relationship rules— Practical steps for working through the jealousy beneath gender-based restrictions— How to move from rigid rules to authentic agreements that serve everyone

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— The Jealousy Roadmap - A free 20-page ebook for working through relationship jealousy

— Joli’s dissertation: "Triangular Trouble"

— Playing With Fire Episode 170 Jealousy & Attachment Panic

— Playing With Fire Episode 151 Justice Jealousy

— Playing with Fire Episode 127 Comperstruggle: When Jealousy & Compersion Collide with Dr. Marie Thouin

JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Navigating privacy and transparency in relationships can feel like walking a tightrope—especially when you and your partners have different comfort levels with information sharing. If you've ever felt frustrated by how much (or how little) your partner shares, you're not alone!

The good news? There's no "right" amount of transparency or privacy. What matters is finding agreements that work for you and your partners while maintaining everyone's sense of safety. This episode dives deep into how to handle those tricky conversations with intention and integrity.

In this episode, we talk about:

— The crucial difference between privacy and secrecy (hint: it's about impact!)

— Why safety is at the core of our transparency/privacy needs

— How to identify your own comfort levels with information sharing

— The role of trust-building in navigating transparency

— The nervous system’s safety needs and strategies

— Why consistent relationship check-ins are essential for maintaining a healthy flow of information

— The importance of having explicit agreements about information sharing

— How to create repair plans for when agreements aren't met

— Why moral judgments about privacy vs. transparency can block intimacy

— Different domains of transparency (emotional, sexual, scheduling, etc.)

— The value of examining patterns rather than isolated incidents

— How to handle situations where partners have very different needs around disclosure

— Why the timing of disclosure matters as much as content

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Playing With Fire Episode 149 Relationship Agreements 101

— Playing With Fire Episode 123 Weasel Words and Creating More Intimacy in Your Relationships

— Playing With Fire Episode 71 Doing what you said you’d do: When accountability works and when it doesn’t

JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

How do you tell the difference between being selfish and practicing healthy autonomy? You probably won’t be surprised to hear that it’s complicated! The line between hyper-individualism and differentiation isn’t just blurry; it’s usually impossible to judge any action one way or the other without a loooot of context (and maybe even hindsight!).

To unpack this question, we have to dig deep into the culture of American exceptionalism, principles of ecology and community, and depth psychology’s lenses of duality and multiplicity.

In this episode, we talk about:

— The hyper-individualism and enmeshment spectrum, and the “bounce-back” phenomenon

— How to answer the “Am I The Asshole” question

— How America’s culture of individualism and exceptionalism impacts our relationships

— The challenges of balancing individual needs with community responsibilities

— Why context is crucial when evaluating "selfish" behavior

— How our personal histories shape our tendencies toward individualism or enmeshment

— The role of imagination in creating healthier relationship dynamics

— Why it's often impossible to judge a single action as selfish or autonomous

— How the stories we tell ourselves impact our perceptions of others' behavior

— The value of holding multiple perspectives when interpreting situations

— Practical strategies for moving from victim mentality to empowered creator

— The potential benefits of re-parenting work for those struggling with hyper-individualism

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Playing With Fire Episode 142 Enmeshment: Are you over-functioning in your relationship?

— Playing With Fire Episode 108 with Mollena Williams-Haas

— Book mention: "Selfish" by Nakita Thigpen

JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions