People pleasing is not an effective strategy on the path to healthy, conscious relating. But adopting an approach towards autonomy that amounts to ‘I don’t owe anyone anything’ is…not it either. These extremes were adaptive patterns; they helped us survive difficult childhoods, but they don’t help us much as adults.

True autonomy, when you really understand it and put it into practice, will strengthen your relationship, deepen your connection, and allow you to experience a new level of freedom. And non-monogamy presents a wealth of opportunities for coming into a deeper relationship with your own autonomy and that of your partners.

In this episode, we talk about:

— What autonomy actually means (and what it doesn't mean)

— The difference between autonomy and individuation, and why that matters

— How autonomy can be weaponized or used defensively in relationships

— The tension between wanting autonomy and wanting deep interconnection with others

— Why "you don't owe anyone anything" is a problematic framework for relationships

— The horseshoe effect: how enmeshment and individualism can actually loop back around to each other

— The subtle language patterns that reveal whether you're truly practicing autonomy or deflecting responsibility

— Permission-based dynamics vs. responsibility-based autonomy

— How cultural expectations around monogamy influence our understanding of autonomy

— The importance of grounding into your autonomous self while hinging between multiple partners

— Why writing down (or recording) your agreements can reveal unconscious patterns in how you relate to autonomy

— How practicing real autonomy actually strengthens your relationships rather than weakening them

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Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions