Playing With Fire

By Joli Hamilton, PhD and Ken Hamilton

Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love.

We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity.

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The podcast currently has 263 episodes available.

Best of Playing With Fire

The most played episodes among Podcast App listeners.

Number 1: 247 Non-Monogamy, Mono-Mind: The Invisible Scripts Running Your Communication
Chances are, if you know one thing about conscious relating, it’s that communication is key. And if you’re good at communicating in monogamous relationships, you might think that those skills will easily transfer to polyamory. But even when you’re doing non-monogamy, there’s often a set of invisible monogamous scripts making things a lot harder without you even realizing it. This isn’t easy to spot, let alone navigate. When we leave monogamy, we leave behind all those default cultural scripts that (supposedly!) give us shared baseline understandings of what is normal and reasonable to expect in relationships. Except… often we haven’t actually left them behind. And constantly questioning whether or not these unspoken assumptions and cognitive shortcuts are running in the background of your communication can be exhausting. So if you’re finding communication in non-monogamy to be tiring and difficult for reasons you can’t easily identify, this one is for you. In this episode, we talk about: — Why many people who consider themselves "great communicators" struggle when they start doing non-monogamy — The invisible ways we rely on cultural scripts and shortcuts to make communication easier — How the brain conserves energy through defaults, and what happens when we step outside those defaults — The difference between implicit and explicit communication styles, and why mismatches can cause real pain — Why one partner might find all the processing nourishing while the other finds it exhausting — The myth that relationships should be "just fun" and why that can lead to avoiding necessary communication — How to reframe difficult conversations as part of the relationship rather than obstacles to it — Building capacity for hard conversations over time (it's like going to the gym!) — The power of using structured tools like Imago Dialogue and the apology and accountability ladder — Why preparing for conversations isn't unromantic—it's actually deeply caring — The role of regular check-ins in creating space for thoughtful, prepared communication — How new partners and metamours shift the entire relational field, even when you're not directly relating to them — Learning to tolerate that you won't know everything happening in your relational network — Growing your capacity to trust your partners' autonomy and their other relationships — Why transparency and privacy needs often conflict, and how to navigate that tension — The reality that we can't fully leave the monogamous script when it's embedded in everything around us Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our Repair Skills Playlist — Episode 245: Check-Ins That Actually Work — Episode 243: Making Decisions Together JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
June 06, 202643min
Number 2: [Replay] 164 I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existential Kink (A shadow work method)
A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on taking responsibility and changing what we can change in our lives. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by how this shit keeps happening. Those same old cyclical situations… a heated argument with a romantic partner, a recurring issue at work, a really challenging family dynamic… where we feel like we have no control. All those tools and practices go out the window and it feels like the situation is just happening at us. These challenges are the perfect place to start practicing shadow work—the process of becoming aware of what you’ve suppressed, hated, and denied about yourself. Sound a little scary? Don’t worry, shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting all the mean parts of yourself. In other words, doing this work doesn’t mean becoming an asshole. There are many ways to do shadow work, but today we’re focusing on a method created by Carolyn Lovewell called Existential Kink. Existential Kink involves loving, accepting, and owning the ‘guilty pleasure’ we get from the shadowy aspects of our subconscious, and we’re walking you through the whole process. In this episode, we’re breaking down: — What the shadow is — What it means to do shadow work — How Jungian and depth psychology define and approach the shadow — Examples of how and why people repress and deny aspects of themselves — Why unexamined shadow aspects of ourselves often lead to projections — How embracing and recollecting repressed aspects of ourselves can be powerfully transformative for your personal growth and relationships — Why shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting evil/mean aspects of ourselves (AKA becoming an asshole) — The theory behind and process of Existential Kink — The importance of community and support while doing depth psychological work Resources mentioned in this episode: — My Individuation Alchemy program — Carolyn Lovewell’s book, work, and programs — Lindsay Braman’s Emotion Sensation Feelings Wheel JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
January 24, 202655min
Number 3: 239 Radical Relating with Mel Cassidy
Radical relating isn't just about who you're dating—it's about dismantling systems of power and creating community. In this episode, we welcome Mel Cassidy, somatic relationship coach and author of "Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of Monogamy." Mel shares their journey from blogger to coach to author, and how their work challenges the foundations of mono-normativity. We explore how white supremacy culture, colonization, and Christianity have shaped our understanding of relationships, and how we can break free from these restrictive patterns to create more authentic connections. This conversation goes far beyond the typical focus on sex in non-monogamy discussions. Instead, we dive into how resource sharing, conflict resolution, and community building can help us create more liberatory forms of love—whether we're in monogamous relationships, polyamorous networks, or anywhere in between. In this episode, we talk about: — How white supremacy culture, colonization, and Christianity have shaped monogamy as the default relationship structure — The concept of "anarcule" as a way to understand relationships beyond sexual connections — Why perfectionism in relationships is a harmful aspect of mono-normativity that prevents authentic communication — How the nuclear family was designed as a political tool to counter feminism and socialism — Ways to practice resource sharing even if you're not interested in having multiple romantic partners — The importance of decentering sex in our understanding of relationships and asking "what does sex mean to you?" — Why Google calendars might actually hide conflict rather than resolve scheduling issues — Practical approaches to conflict resolution, starting with low-stakes issues to build capacity — How our nervous systems "time travel" during conflict, bringing up old wounds and patterns — The value of understanding who you become during conflict and how to work with different conflict styles Resources mentioned in this episode: — Mel Cassidy's new book: Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of Monogamy JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
January 17, 202656min
Number 4: 238 Thriving in Long-Distance Relationships
Long-distance relationships can feel like a never-ending uphill climb. When there are miles between you and your partner, it's easy to fall into patterns that make connecting feel more like a chore than a choice. Whether you're separated by a two-hour drive or multiple time zones, the question eventually surfaces: "How do we keep going without it feeling like endless work?" We understand this struggle deeply. The fatigue that comes with maintaining connection across distance is real and valid. But what if the solution isn't about working harder, but about reimagining what your relationship is actually for? What if the distance itself offers unique opportunities that proximity never could? In this episode, we talk about: — The importance of clarifying the purpose of your relationship and how this purpose might shift over time — Why mono-normative expectations can create unnecessary pressure in long-distance relationships — How to design relationship rituals that create meaning without becoming another obligation — The value of regularly revisiting and refreshing your relationship agreements — Understanding the unique grief that comes with long-distance relating and how to honor it — Finding the "golden shadows" of distance—the unexpected benefits that proximity doesn't offer — Why endurance alone isn't enough to sustain connection, and how meaning-making transforms the experience — The danger of idealizing proximity and forgetting the challenges that come with day-to-day relating — Creating structure that allows for both stability and novelty in your connection — Practical ways to inject fresh energy and imagination into long-distance relationships Resources mentioned in this episode: — Francis Weller's work on grief JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
January 10, 202632min
Number 5: 237 The Art & Practice of Shedding Mono-Normativity
We live in a culture where monogamy isn't just presented as one way to have relationships—it's positioned as the only natural, healthy, and moral way to relate. This assumption runs so deep that most of us never even question it. But what happens when we start examining these unspoken rules that shape our relationships? Mono-normativity affects all of us, whether we're monogamous or not. Bringing these unconscious assumptions into the light can create more authentic, intentional relationships. Because here's the truth: you can't truly consent to something you don't know you're choosing. In this episode, we talk about: — The difference between monogamy and mono-normativity — Why most couples never explicitly define what monogamy means to them—and the problems this creates — How to "individuate" your monogamous relationship by making conscious choices rather than following default scripts — The way exclusivity gets overcoupled with safety, specialness, and relationship validity — Practical ways to decenter monogamy without devaluing it — How auditing your language can help create more inclusive spaces for all relationship styles — Why making monogamy a conscious choice can actually strengthen your relationship — The importance of distinguishing between attraction, fantasy, and action in any relationship — How creative practices like making playlists, writing, and storytelling can help us imagine relating beyond mono-normative frameworks — The value of creating your own "monogamy statement" with your partner as a connective, clarifying exercise — Why questioning mono-normativity doesn't mean you have to change your relationship structure—it just means you get to choose it consciously Resources mentioned in this episode: — Alex Alberto's memoir Entwined and their short film JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
January 03, 202647min