Just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s normal. You do NOT have to accept pain, discomfort, and limitations when it comes to sex, pregnancy, and childbirth as “just the way things are.”

Dr. Ariana Cesare, a pelvic and obstetric physical therapist, is joining us on this episode of Playing With Fire to bust that myth, and many others, when it comes to pain and pleasure.

This conversation is for every body, including men, trans people, and people with disabilities (pregnancy affects 100% of the population—we were all born, and some of us will give birth too!).

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why pelvic floor physical therapy is critically important (and criminally underutilized) during pregnancy and postpartum

— The truth about pain during sex - and why it's never something you just have to accept

— How to prepare your body for birth (hint: it's like training for any other athletic event!)

— The role of pelvic floor muscles in everything from pleasure to incontinence

— Why tampons, speculums, and medical exams should not be painful

— Game-changing tools like dilators and Ohnuts thats make penetrative sex more comfortable

— How to talk to partners about adjustments during sex

— Why pelvic health matters for everyone - including men, trans people, and people with disabilities

— The importance of addressing both physical and psychological aspects of pelvic pain

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Book a FREE consultation with Dr. Cesare

— Follow Dr. Caesare on Instagram @kegels_and_kettlebells

— Follow her on TikTok @DrCesare

— Slippery Stuff lubricant for sensitive skin

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Gender-based relationship rules might seem like an easy solution to difficult feelings that come up in non-monogamous relationships, but they often mask deeper issues that deserve our attention. Restrictions like "one penis policies" typically stem from unexamined jealousy, fears of competition, and internalized biases.

The desire for these kinds of rules often comes from very real places of emotional distress. But instead of using band-aids, we want you to address the root causes of these issues, so that you can create authentic, strong connections that aren’t held back by biases and societal programming.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why gender-based dating rules are problematic and what they really represent

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— The Jealousy Roadmap - A free 20-page ebook for working through relationship jealousy

— Joli’s dissertation: "Triangular Trouble"

— Playing With Fire Episode 170 Jealousy & Attachment Panic

— Playing With Fire Episode 151 Justice Jealousy

— Playing with Fire Episode 127 Comperstruggle: When Jealousy & Compersion Collide with Dr. Marie Thouin

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Navigating privacy and transparency in relationships can feel like walking a tightrope—especially when you and your partners have different comfort levels with information sharing. If you've ever felt frustrated by how much (or how little) your partner shares, you're not alone!

The good news? There's no "right" amount of transparency or privacy. What matters is finding agreements that work for you and your partners while maintaining everyone's sense of safety. This episode dives deep into how to handle those tricky conversations with intention and integrity.

In this episode, we talk about:

— The crucial difference between privacy and secrecy (hint: it's about impact!)

— Why safety is at the core of our transparency/privacy needs

— How to identify your own comfort levels with information sharing

— The role of trust-building in navigating transparency

— The nervous system’s safety needs and strategies

— Why consistent relationship check-ins are essential for maintaining a healthy flow of information

— The importance of having explicit agreements about information sharing

— How to create repair plans for when agreements aren't met

— Why moral judgments about privacy vs. transparency can block intimacy

— Different domains of transparency (emotional, sexual, scheduling, etc.)

— The value of examining patterns rather than isolated incidents

— How to handle situations where partners have very different needs around disclosure

— Why the timing of disclosure matters as much as content

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Playing With Fire Episode 149 Relationship Agreements 101

— Playing With Fire Episode 123 Weasel Words and Creating More Intimacy in Your Relationships

— Playing With Fire Episode 71 Doing what you said you’d do: When accountability works and when it doesn’t

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

How do you tell the difference between being selfish and practicing healthy autonomy? You probably won’t be surprised to hear that it’s complicated! The line between hyper-individualism and differentiation isn’t just blurry; it’s usually impossible to judge any action one way or the other without a loooot of context (and maybe even hindsight!).

To unpack this question, we have to dig deep into the culture of American exceptionalism, principles of ecology and community, and depth psychology’s lenses of duality and multiplicity.

In this episode, we talk about:

— The hyper-individualism and enmeshment spectrum, and the “bounce-back” phenomenon

— How to answer the “Am I The Asshole” question

— How America’s culture of individualism and exceptionalism impacts our relationships

— The challenges of balancing individual needs with community responsibilities

— Why context is crucial when evaluating "selfish" behavior

— How our personal histories shape our tendencies toward individualism or enmeshment

— The role of imagination in creating healthier relationship dynamics

— Why it's often impossible to judge a single action as selfish or autonomous

— How the stories we tell ourselves impact our perceptions of others' behavior

— The value of holding multiple perspectives when interpreting situations

— Practical strategies for moving from victim mentality to empowered creator

— The potential benefits of re-parenting work for those struggling with hyper-individualism

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Playing With Fire Episode 142 Enmeshment: Are you over-functioning in your relationship?

— Playing With Fire Episode 108 with Mollena Williams-Haas

— Book mention: "Selfish" by Nakita Thigpen

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

One of the most common concerns we hear about non-monogamous relationships is “but what about the kids?!?” We have a lot to say in response… but in this special episode, you get to hear it from one of our kids instead!

Moi offers a candid glimpse into his experience of being raised by polyamorous parents and shares his perspective on what it’s like to navigate a world where polyamory is rarely represented. He also talks about his journey with queerness and transness, and how our family’s values created space for that exploration.

Tune in for a heartfelt conversation about the impact of family dynamics on identity, and why it’s important for parents—non-monogamous or otherwise—to create spaces where kids can discover themselves without fear or shame.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Moi's experience growing up with non-monogamous parents and how it shaped his views

— The importance of open communication about relationships and sexuality within families while maintaining appropriate boundaries

— How being exposed to different relationship structures allowed Moi to better understand his own monogamous identity

— The challenges of explaining non-traditional family structures to others

— The lack of representation of polyamorous families in media and how that impacts children's understanding

— Why Moi appreciates that we've been open about our non-monogamy rather than hiding it

— The value of letting kids discover their own identities without pressure to label themselves

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Joli's TED Talk on jealousy

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Are you struggling to talk to your friends and family about your non-monogamous identity? Whether you’re unsure how to start the conversation or you’ve tried before and it didn’t go so well, we’re here to help.

This episode is a quick and easy resource to share directly with your loved ones. It addresses some common concerns and misconceptions about non-monogamy and shares tips for having more supportive and meaningful conversations.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why non-monogamy isn't "better" or "more evolved" than monogamy

— Common concerns about non-monogamy and how to address them

— The importance of defining what a "successful" relationship means to you and your loved ones

— Why the kids are alright–research on children in non-monogamous families

— The core principles of ethical non-monogamy: consent, personal responsibility, and resilience

— Why non-monogamous relationship skills can benefit all types of relationships

— Common misconceptions about non-monogamy (it's not all about sex!)

— How to have supportive conversations with your non-monogamous loved ones

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Elizabeth Sheff's longitudinal studies on polyamorous families

— Emily Nagoski's work on desire and sexuality

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here: www.jolihamilton.com/ama

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

The word projection gets thrown around a lot these days, often in an accusatory way (think, “so-and-so is projecting!”). But projection is actually a normal, unconscious psychological process that shows up in all relationships!

That doesn’t mean we should let our projections go unchecked. They can interfere with our ability to truly see our partners as whole, autonomous beings.

The good news is that when we become aware of our projections, we have a powerful opportunity to uncover and reclaim the parts of ourselves we’ve denied and disowned. And these aren’t always deep, dark shadowy parts—they can also be positive traits like creativity or intelligence.

In this episode, we explore what projection is, how it shows up in relationships, and why reclaiming these “shadow” parts is essential for personal growth. Tune in to learn how working through projections can deepen your connections and help you see yourself—and your partners—in a whole new light.

We’re breaking down:

— What psychological projection is and how it operates in our subconscious minds

— The role of projection in falling in love, limerence, and new relationship energy

— How projection can interfere with seeing our partners as sacred, autonomous beings

— The stages of becoming aware of and working through projections

— Why reclaiming projected qualities is essential for personal growth

— How projection relates to childhood wounds and unresolved issues from the past

— The dangers of over-identifying with negative projections or shadow qualities

— Practical strategies for recognizing and working with projections in relationships

— The value of patience and compassion when addressing projections with a partner

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Carl Jung's Collected Works (This is the Wikipedia page, to give you an idea of what the CW contains. If you’re looking for a good place to begin reading Jung’s work, Joli suggests Memories, Dreams, Reflections)

— PWF Episode 164: I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existential Kink (A shadow work method)

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Defensiveness feels like a good way to protect yourself from harm in relationships, but it’s usually more effective at closing yourself off from personal growth, peace, connection, intimacy, multiplicity… and a lot of other wonderful parts of relating.

Getting defensive is an unconscious strategy, a deeply ingrained response. Curbing it can feel like herding cats. Tomorrow, we’re helping you find the roots of your defensiveness and we’re sharing practical tools to help you identify and dismantle those sticky patterns so you can connect without defending and still feel safe.

Letting go of the need to be right isn’t just about winning fewer fights; it’s about transforming how you show up in your relationships. When you allow room for multiple truths, you open the door to deeper empathy and connection in all areas of your life.

In this episode, we talk about:

— What defensiveness is and how it manifests in relationships

— The connection between defensiveness and ego protection

— How childhood experiences can shape our defensive patterns

— The impact of defensiveness on creativity and personal growth

— Practical techniques for recognizing and reducing defensive reactions

— The importance of self-awareness in combating defensiveness

— How to use questions instead of statements to foster understanding

— The value of assuming goodwill in conversations with partners

— Strategies for contextualizing issues and avoiding over-explanation

— The role of shadow work and self-acceptance in reducing defensiveness

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Luis Mojica's work on tolerating peace

— Gay Hendricks' book The Big Leap

— Andrew Leeds' on positive affect tolerance

— Neurosomatic Intelligence (NSI) training

— PWF Episode 164 on shadow work and Existential Kink

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Coming out as non-monogamous can bring its own set of challenges and concerns, especially if you also hold other marginalized identities. And maintaining the social appearance of monogamy can come at a cost.

In this episode, we’re exploring the risks and rewards of sharing your non-monogamous identity. And, if you do want to come out to the people in your life, we’re breaking down some key steps you can take to get ready for whatever reactions may come your way.

We’re breaking down:

— Why coming out conversations can be important for authenticity and relationship health

— The different "circles" of people you might consider coming out to (family, friends, work, etc.)

— How geographical location and social context can impact coming out experiences

— The importance of considering and discussing your partners' comfort levels and boundaries

— Practical tips for planning and executing coming out conversations

— Why it's okay to not have all the answers when you're first exploring non-monogamy

— How to handle potentially invasive questions

— Addressing the potential turn-on of secrecy in non-monogamous relationships

— The value of celebrating your authentic self when coming out

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Episode 89 of Playing with Fire: Learning the taxonomy of non-monogamy

— Laura Boyle's book Monogamy, in This Economy?

— The work of Sunny Megatron, Midori, and Mollena Williams-Haas

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

It’s totally normal and understandable to want privacy around your relationships. Especially in a culture that can be less than understanding towards non-monogamous people.

And, maintaining the social appearance of monogamy (AKA social monogamy), can come at a cost. For some people, maintaining social monogamy can lead to feelings of disconnection and inauthenticity. You can also get into some messy territory around consent and secrecy with your partners, especially if you have different privacy preferences.

We’re not here to tell you how to live your life. We are here to help you navigate these tricky issues, and to help prepare you for the possibility of coming out as non-monogamous in the future.

In this episode, we talk about:

— The concept of default monogamy and how it shapes societal expectations

— The differences between social monogamy, compulsory monogamy, and non-monogamy

— The challenges of maintaining social monogamy while practicing non-monogamy

— The potential impact of secrecy on relationships and personal well-being

— Why it's important to have conversations about relationship visibility early on

— How maintaining social monogamy can reinforce mono-normative structures

— The complexities of coming out as non-monogamous, especially when children are involved

— Why it's crucial to revisit decisions about relationship visibility periodically

— The reality of discrimination against non-monogamous individuals and relationships

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Angela Willey's academic papers on compulsory monogamy

— Elizabeth Emmons' legal paper on monogamy assumptions

— Emily Nagoski's work on desire and relationships

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions