Many people wonder if their trauma history means they can't successfully navigate the complex emotional terrain that comes with open relationships. When we step away from default monogamy into consciously chosen relationship structures, our nervous systems can get activated. This may be especially challenging for trauma survivors, whose systems are often already primed for hypervigilance.

The truth? It's absolutely possible, but it requires intentionality, support, patience, and self-compassion. In fact, many trauma survivors may be especially well-equipped for non-monogamy; the healing work and skill development you’ve already done to manage your trauma could become powerful tools for navigating polyamory.

In this episode, we talk about:

— The common fear that trauma survivors have about whether they "can handle" non-monogamy

— Why trauma history is not a disqualifier for non-monogamy, but does require special consideration

— How opening up can actually provide evidence that your healing work is working

— The disconnect between intellectual readiness and bodily/nervous system readiness for non-monogamy

— Why trauma survivors often have robust toolboxes for managing relationship challenges

— The importance of pacing yourself and recognizing when you need to slow down

— How community support creates perspective and validation during challenging transitions

— The difference between a partner moving slowly versus stonewalling

— Why explicit repair practices are especially crucial for trauma survivors in non-monogamous relationships

— The value of creating flexible, time-bound agreements rather than rigid "forever" rules

— How the investment of time, energy, and patience can lead to profound growth and authentic relating

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Free Nervous System Regulation Training

— Trauma Rewired podcast hosted by Jennifer Wallace

— Unruly: An Agreements Lab workshop for creating flexible, resilient agreements

— Our free Repair Skills Videos

Playing With Fire has been featured at #3 in FeedSpot's list of the Top 25 Non-monogamy Podcasts!

JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect trust, consent, and the very foundation of connection. But what happens when those secrets aren't just kept from partners, but from oneself? This episode dives deep into the challenging work of moving from fragmented realities to integrated selfhood.

Many of us have experienced moments where something feels "off" in a relationship, but we can't quite put our finger on it. When inconsistencies emerge between what's said and what's done, trust begins to erode. But the path back to trust isn't impossible—it just requires dedicated, consistent work and a willingness to face uncomfortable truths about ourselves.

In this episode, we talk about:

— The critical difference between secrecy and privacy in relationships

— How keeping secrets from ourselves can be just as harmful as keeping them from partners

— The concept of "bifurcated monogamy" and how people can create separate, incompatible realities

— Why writing things down can be a powerful tool for those who unconsciously fragment their experiences

— How trauma responses can lead to secret-keeping behaviors without conscious awareness

— The relationship between autonomy and responsibility

— Why consent requires transparency and ongoing information-sharing, especially in interdependent relationships

— The importance of meta-conversations about how we communicate across partnerships

— How power differentials can impact one's ability to truly consent in relationships

— The long, non-linear journey of rebuilding trust after patterns of secrecy

— Why dismantling defensiveness is a crucial step in addressing patterns of secrecy

— How integration and differentiation work together to create authentic selfhood

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Our episode on dismantling defensiveness

— Our episode on weasel words

JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Ever feel like your journey into non-monogamy is all about hard work? You're not alone. Many people reach a point where they wonder if all the emotional regulation, self-reflection, and relationship meetings are worth it. This feeling is incredibly common, whether you initiated opening your relationship or not.

We've both been there. The reality is that unpacking our assumptions about relationships takes significant emotional energy, especially when regular life continues demanding our attention. But there’s so much you can do to make peace with these feelings. This episode will help you to re-ground into your reasons for being poly, and find practical tips for re-energizing and recovering from overwhelm.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why it's normal to feel overwhelmed by the constant self-work required in non-monogamous relationships

— The importance of connecting to your "poly why"—your personal values and reasons for choosing this path

— How entitlement can secretly undermine our experiences when things feel asymmetric or unfair

— Why community support is crucial when navigating difficult emotions (and what to do if you don't have access to community)

— The value of self-expression through writing, art, or other creative outlets when processing challenging feelings

— How to recognize when you're falling into the "martyr" or "hero" archetype in your relationships

— The difference between dating for genuine connection versus dating to "balance the scales" when your partner is having more fun than you

— Why celebrating your milestones and growth—even the seemingly small ones—is essential for sustainability

— The importance of acknowledging that asymmetry is normal in relationships, and "balance" may not be the right goal

— How to reconnect with pride in your journey of unpacking the ownership model of relationships

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Our PWF episode about finding compatible partners

JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

We all carry shame—it's part of the human experience. But what if there was a way to transform that shame into something more nurturing and supportive? In this episode, we welcome back Jessica Fern and David Cooley to discuss their groundbreaking new book, Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love with Parts Work. Jessica describes this as her most important book yet!

This isn't just another relationship book—it's a practical guide to understanding and transforming the internal patterns that keep us stuck in cycles of shame, self-criticism, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Whether you're in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, the tools and insights shared in this conversation can help you build more authentic connections with yourself and others.

In this episode, we talk about:

— What the "shame triangle" is and how it operates within us

— How shame narratives are inherited from family, culture, and society rather than being personal flaws

— The ways our inner critic can transform into an inner coach with more supportive messaging

— How our "escaper" behaviors (like perfectionism, numbing out, or overworking) can evolve into inner nurturers

— The connection between attachment styles and our preferred escape strategies

— Why addressing our shame triangle is essential for authentic living rather than just surviving

— Practical ways to recognize when you're caught in the shame triangle during interactions with partners

— How to create a shared language around shame that can deepen intimacy and understanding

— The importance of differentiating between raw emotional experiences and the shame stories we tell about them

— How this work can help break cycles of intergenerational trauma

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Jessica and David's new book: Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love with Parts Work (out October 31st)

— Jessica's website

— David's website

JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

We all experience transitions in our relationships. And, they can actually be even more frequent in non-monogamous relationships, like when our attention shifts from one partner to another, when we leave for a date, or when we return home. These seemingly small shifts in energy and attention can create surprising friction, even in the healthiest dynamics.

A ton of us could use extra support around these issues. In fact, transition management is the topic that results in the most emergency sessions scheduled with Dr. Joli! That's because these moments, when handled poorly, can turn what could be positive experiences into sources of conflict and disconnection. But with some thoughtful planning and self-awareness, transitions can actually become opportunities for deeper intimacy.

In this episode, we talk about:

— What relationship transitions actually are (they're more than just coming and going!)

— Why the "grinding" day-to-day moments can either build you up or wear you down

— The importance of acknowledging your own transition style—are you a "fast shifter" or a "slow shifter"?

— Why it's okay to be "high maintenance" about your transition needs (and why pretending you don't have needs only makes things worse)

— How to create simple but effective transition rituals that don't have to be complicated to work

— Why compromise in transition planning doesn't necessarily mean "splitting the difference"

— The critical difference between reconnection and debriefing (and why mixing them can lead to problems)

— How to handle the "last bit of time" before reunion, which is often the hardest part for the person at home

— The unique challenges of managing transitions in long-distance relationships

— Why the fear of being "too needy" can actually prevent us from creating the transition support we really need

JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Navigating shared spaces as a polycule can feel like stepping into uncharted territory. Whether you're attending a community event, family gathering, or social outing with multiple partners, the absence of cultural scripts can leave us feeling uncertain and vulnerable. Many of us struggle with questions like: How do we introduce each other? What level of affection is appropriate? What happens if we run into unexpected people?

These concerns are completely normal when venturing beyond the default monogamy script that society provides. The good news is that with some preparation and self-awareness, we can create meaningful experiences together while honoring everyone's boundaries.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why approaching polycule gatherings as "experiments" rather than perfect events or potential disasters creates a healthier mindset

— The importance of having intentional conversations before spending time together in shared spaces

— How to handle introductions, labels, and public displays of affection when cultural scripts don't exist for your relationship structure

— Creating personal "self-rescue plans" for moments when you feel excluded or uncomfortable in group settings

— The value of separating reconnection, aftercare, and debriefing after shared experiences

— Why some people feel energized by challenging social norms while others find it uncomfortable

— How to navigate situations where some partners are "out" and others aren't

— The emotional impact of feeling like someone's "secret" and how different people respond to various levels of relationship visibility

— Why processing time varies between individuals

— The importance of community support when navigating relationships outside mainstream norms

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Self-regulation skills training available on YouTube

JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Most of us have been conditioned to follow relationship "escalators," those predetermined paths that dictate how our connections should progress. But what happens when we step off these escalators and design our relationships according to our own values? What if we could move beyond hierarchical thinking and embrace a more expansive view of love and connection?

Enter, relationship anarchy, and Dr. Nicole Thompson, who’s joining us to explore this fascinating path to more intentional, authentic connections across every aspect of our lives. We aren’t just talking romance here–relationship anarchy is about reimagining all your relationships by examining and dismantling their power structures.

In this episode, we talk about:

— What relationship anarchy really means:

— How relationship anarchy connects to political anarchist values of self-governance and community care

— Why relationship anarchy isn't just about romantic or sexual relationships but applies to all connections in our lives

— The difference between "power over" dynamics versus conscious stratification of relationships

— How to recognize when you're using hierarchy as a safety mechanism rather than as an intentional choice

— The challenge of moving away from obligation-based relationships toward mutuality and choice

— Why commitment looks different in relationship anarchy

— The revolutionary feeling of knowing someone chooses to be with you when they have complete freedom not to

— How to begin practicing relationship anarchy by first recognizing all the relationships you already have

— The importance of community in providing multiple sources of love and support

— Why relationship anarchy requires ongoing consciousness about power dynamics in all areas of life

— How to navigate the reality of finite time and energy without defaulting to unconscious hierarchies

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Modern Anarchy Podcast, hosted by Dr. Nicole Thompson

JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Purity culture can often shape our sexuality in ways we don't even realize. Whether you grew up deeply immersed in it or just caught the edges, cultural messages about sexual "purity" impact how we view ourselves, our bodies, and our relationships. But what happens when we start questioning these teachings? How do we reclaim our sexuality and pleasure after being told our bodies belong to someone else?

Lauren Elise Rogers joins us to share her powerful journey from purity culture survivor to certified holistic sexuality educator. Her story of transformation—from wearing a purity ring and teaching "Ladies in Waiting" Bible studies to becoming an embodied intimacy coach—shows us that liberation is possible, even after deep indoctrination.

In this episode, we talk about:

— What purity culture actually is and how it manifests

— The subtle ways purity culture shows up even for those who weren't raised in religious households

— Lauren's personal experience with purity culture, including her first marriage to a man who later came out as gay

— How pleasure became the pathway to Lauren's deconstruction and healing

— The challenges of exploring sexuality after leaving purity culture behind

— The resurgence of purity culture concepts in modern movements like "trad wife" culture and certain wellness spaces

— A powerful exercise for examining your own beliefs about sex, relationships, and pleasure

— How questioning our inherited beliefs about sexuality can lead to greater authenticity and joy

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Lauren's website

— The documentary Give Me Sex, Jesus

— Mary Magdalene Revealed by Meggan Watterson

— The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt

JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that "one and only" Disney story? You're not alone, and this inner conflict isn't something to rush past—it might actually be your greatest opportunity for growth.

In this episode, we’re exploring the Jungian concept of "the tension of opposites" and how it applies to non-monogamy. Rather than seeing these inner conflicts as problems to solve, we explore how bearing this tension can lead to unexpected breakthroughs and deeper self-understanding. This isn't just theoretical—we share practical, creative ways to work with these tensions that go beyond simply "sitting with" uncomfortable feelings.

We’re breaking down:

— What the "tension of opposites" means and why it's particularly relevant during the paradigm shift to non-monogamy

— Why rushing to resolve inner conflicts can actually prevent deeper transformation from occurring

— The physical sensations that often accompany inner conflict

— How bearing the tension of opposites creates space for the "transcendent function"—a third option we couldn't previously imagine

— Why paradigm shifts take years and require us to be comfortable in the "gooey" transformational phase

— Creative practices for working with opposing forces

— How to ask partners and friends to witness your process without trying to "fix" your conflicts

— The value of paying attention to dreams and symbols that emerge during periods of inner tension

— Finding balance between bearing tension and making necessary decisions when the time comes

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Jung's Collected Works, Volume 13

— Marie-Louise von Franz’s Archetypal Dimensions of the Psyche

— The expansive love playlist

JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

When we're feeling insecure in our relationships (especially during transitions like opening up, navigating new relationship dynamics, or major life changes), we often seek reassurance from our partners. But what does effective reassurance actually look like? How can we offer it authentically without trying to "fix" our partners' feelings? And how do we navigate the complex interplay between reassurance, reciprocity, and fairness?

Reassurance in relationships isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. It's an ongoing practice that requires attunement, flexibility, and a deep understanding of your partner's unique needs.

In this episode, we talk about:

— What reassurance really means: actions, words, and engagement that serve to ease someone's doubts and fears (without guaranteeing those fears will disappear)

— Why reassurance needs change based on context, trauma history, and how "full" your threat bucket already is

— The essential ingredients for effective reassurance

— Why the desire to make everything "fair" in relationships often comes from our wounded parts seeking safety and control

— How to ask for specific reassurance: "Can you wrap your arms around me right here and tell me these exact words?"

— The challenge of offering reassurance when it conflicts with your values or agreements (like canceling dates with others)

— Why some people resist offering ongoing reassurance and what that might mean for the relationship

— The possibility of reimagining relationship structures when reassurance needs aren't being met

— How our "child parts" often drive our reassurance needs, and why acknowledging this can help us make more aligned requests

— The difference between true reciprocity and transactional "fairness"

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— The Imago Dialogue episode

— Imago Dialogue examples

— Robin Wall Kimmerer's book Braiding Sweetgrass

JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions