Playing With Fire

Are you struggling to talk to your friends and family about your non-monogamous identity? Whether you’re unsure how to start the conversation or you’ve tried before and it didn’t go so well, we’re here to help.

This episode is a quick and easy resource to share directly with your loved ones. It addresses some common concerns and misconceptions about non-monogamy and shares tips for having more supportive and meaningful conversations.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why non-monogamy isn't "better" or "more evolved" than monogamy

— Common concerns about non-monogamy and how to address them

— The importance of defining what a "successful" relationship means to you and your loved ones

— Why the kids are alright–research on children in non-monogamous families

— The core principles of ethical non-monogamy: consent, personal responsibility, and resilience

— Why non-monogamous relationship skills can benefit all types of relationships

— Common misconceptions about non-monogamy (it's not all about sex!)

— How to have supportive conversations with your non-monogamous loved ones

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Elizabeth Sheff's longitudinal studies on polyamorous families

— Emily Nagoski's work on desire and sexuality

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here: www.jolihamilton.com/ama

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

The word projection gets thrown around a lot these days, often in an accusatory way (think, “so-and-so is projecting!”). But projection is actually a normal, unconscious psychological process that shows up in all relationships!

That doesn’t mean we should let our projections go unchecked. They can interfere with our ability to truly see our partners as whole, autonomous beings.

The good news is that when we become aware of our projections, we have a powerful opportunity to uncover and reclaim the parts of ourselves we’ve denied and disowned. And these aren’t always deep, dark shadowy parts—they can also be positive traits like creativity or intelligence.

In this episode, we explore what projection is, how it shows up in relationships, and why reclaiming these “shadow” parts is essential for personal growth. Tune in to learn how working through projections can deepen your connections and help you see yourself—and your partners—in a whole new light.

We’re breaking down:

— What psychological projection is and how it operates in our subconscious minds

— The role of projection in falling in love, limerence, and new relationship energy

— How projection can interfere with seeing our partners as sacred, autonomous beings

— The stages of becoming aware of and working through projections

— Why reclaiming projected qualities is essential for personal growth

— How projection relates to childhood wounds and unresolved issues from the past

— The dangers of over-identifying with negative projections or shadow qualities

— Practical strategies for recognizing and working with projections in relationships

— The value of patience and compassion when addressing projections with a partner

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Carl Jung's Collected Works (This is the Wikipedia page, to give you an idea of what the CW contains. If you’re looking for a good place to begin reading Jung’s work, Joli suggests Memories, Dreams, Reflections)

— PWF Episode 164: I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existential Kink (A shadow work method)

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Defensiveness feels like a good way to protect yourself from harm in relationships, but it’s usually more effective at closing yourself off from personal growth, peace, connection, intimacy, multiplicity… and a lot of other wonderful parts of relating.

Getting defensive is an unconscious strategy, a deeply ingrained response. Curbing it can feel like herding cats. Tomorrow, we’re helping you find the roots of your defensiveness and we’re sharing practical tools to help you identify and dismantle those sticky patterns so you can connect without defending and still feel safe.

Letting go of the need to be right isn’t just about winning fewer fights; it’s about transforming how you show up in your relationships. When you allow room for multiple truths, you open the door to deeper empathy and connection in all areas of your life.

In this episode, we talk about:

— What defensiveness is and how it manifests in relationships

— The connection between defensiveness and ego protection

— How childhood experiences can shape our defensive patterns

— The impact of defensiveness on creativity and personal growth

— Practical techniques for recognizing and reducing defensive reactions

— The importance of self-awareness in combating defensiveness

— How to use questions instead of statements to foster understanding

— The value of assuming goodwill in conversations with partners

— Strategies for contextualizing issues and avoiding over-explanation

— The role of shadow work and self-acceptance in reducing defensiveness

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Luis Mojica's work on tolerating peace

— Gay Hendricks' book The Big Leap

— Andrew Leeds' on positive affect tolerance

— Neurosomatic Intelligence (NSI) training

— PWF Episode 164 on shadow work and Existential Kink

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Coming out as non-monogamous can bring its own set of challenges and concerns, especially if you also hold other marginalized identities. And maintaining the social appearance of monogamy can come at a cost.

In this episode, we’re exploring the risks and rewards of sharing your non-monogamous identity. And, if you do want to come out to the people in your life, we’re breaking down some key steps you can take to get ready for whatever reactions may come your way.

We’re breaking down:

— Why coming out conversations can be important for authenticity and relationship health

— The different "circles" of people you might consider coming out to (family, friends, work, etc.)

— How geographical location and social context can impact coming out experiences

— The importance of considering and discussing your partners' comfort levels and boundaries

— Practical tips for planning and executing coming out conversations

— Why it's okay to not have all the answers when you're first exploring non-monogamy

— How to handle potentially invasive questions

— Addressing the potential turn-on of secrecy in non-monogamous relationships

— The value of celebrating your authentic self when coming out

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Episode 89 of Playing with Fire: Learning the taxonomy of non-monogamy

— Laura Boyle's book Monogamy, in This Economy?

— The work of Sunny Megatron, Midori, and Mollena Williams-Haas

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

It’s totally normal and understandable to want privacy around your relationships. Especially in a culture that can be less than understanding towards non-monogamous people.

And, maintaining the social appearance of monogamy (AKA social monogamy), can come at a cost. For some people, maintaining social monogamy can lead to feelings of disconnection and inauthenticity. You can also get into some messy territory around consent and secrecy with your partners, especially if you have different privacy preferences.

We’re not here to tell you how to live your life. We are here to help you navigate these tricky issues, and to help prepare you for the possibility of coming out as non-monogamous in the future.

In this episode, we talk about:

— The concept of default monogamy and how it shapes societal expectations

— The differences between social monogamy, compulsory monogamy, and non-monogamy

— The challenges of maintaining social monogamy while practicing non-monogamy

— The potential impact of secrecy on relationships and personal well-being

— Why it's important to have conversations about relationship visibility early on

— How maintaining social monogamy can reinforce mono-normative structures

— The complexities of coming out as non-monogamous, especially when children are involved

— Why it's crucial to revisit decisions about relationship visibility periodically

— The reality of discrimination against non-monogamous individuals and relationships

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Angela Willey's academic papers on compulsory monogamy

— Elizabeth Emmons' legal paper on monogamy assumptions

— Emily Nagoski's work on desire and relationships

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Dating → becoming exclusive → moving in together → getting married → having kids. This is the assumed trajectory that all relationships will take. If you’ve already started exploring non-monogamy, you have some experience with breaking the mold. But even in non-monogamous relationships, it’s common to find yourself slipping back into the relationship escalator framework.

This path is so ingrained, it’s easy to feel pressure, both internal and external, to fit your life into its rigid set of steps.

We’ve been there, and we continue to work every day to question our own assumptions and tendencies. In this episode, we’re helping you reimagine relationships and relationship security beyond the confines of the relationship escalator.

In this episode, we talk about:

— What the relationship escalator is and how it shapes our expectations

— Different types of escalators beyond just romantic relationships

— Why getting off the escalator can be psychologically challenging

— How to question relationship norms and make space for alternatives

— The importance of building security outside of traditional relationship structures

— Practical ways to shift language and interactions to be more inclusive

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Amy Gahran's book Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator

— Dr. Bella DePaulo’ book Single at Heart

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

We do so much grieving in our lifetimes. And not just about the deaths of loved ones—every time there is a change in our lives, we lose an old version of something. That loss can bring up big feelings, and channeling those feelings into an intentional, conscious process of grieving can be hugely beneficial for your life and your relationships.

Grieving relational change is a skill, and we made this episode to help you start building that skill, and to explore the complex web of emotions that come up when relationships evolve.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Expanding our understanding of grief beyond just death and loss

— The difference between grieving and mourning

— Why even positive changes can bring up feelings of grief

— Real, imagined, conscious, and subconscious relationship futures

— How to grieve the "imagined future" when relationships shift

— The importance of acknowledging and processing grief during relationship transitions

— Different methods of mourning, including rituals and symbolic action

— Why avoiding grief work can keep us stuck and slow personal growth

— How to approach grieving as a rite of passage

— The value of community support when processing relationship changes

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

If you have a hard time keeping relationship agreements, you probably also have a hard time keeping the agreements you make with yourself. If that’s you, or if you’ve never even tried to make self-agreements, you have to listen to this episode.

This process shouldn’t feel like a punishment—I want you to make agreements with yourself that you actually want to uphold. And that’s not always a straightforward process. If you’re struggling, you’re so not alone. This isn’t entry-level work—it requires real skill-building, and we’re breaking down that learning process so you can start fostering integrity and consent with yourself.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why some people struggle to stick to the agreements they've made

— How past relationship experiences and attachment styles influence our approaches to agreements

— The role of unconscious factors in undermining our commitments

— Why self-agreement keeping is the first step to keeping agreements with other people

— The benefits that come with not naturally being good at upholding agreements

— Balancing flexibility with reliability in relationships

— How to create effective response plans for when agreements aren't met

— The importance of written agreements and reminders

— Why punitive consequences often backfire, and how to use educative repercussions instead

— Practical tools for improving agreement-making and follow-through

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Gretchen Rubin’s 4 Tendencies Quiz

— PWF Episode 149 Relationship Agreements 101

— PWF Episode 150 Asymmetric Agreements

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

“Jealousy is just insecurity, so if you become more secure in yourself, you won't feel jealous anymore.” Ever heard that one before? We have, and we don’t agree. One of the reasons I love thinking about, talking about, and doing academic research on jealousy is that jealousy contains multitudes. Insecurity and attachment issues are just one of its many facets.

People tend to over-simplify jealousy because it can feel like a loaded word. Jealousy can get all mixed up with fear, shame, guilt, attachment challenges, and a bunch of other tricky, tender stuff. We made this episode to help you untangle those feelings and frameworks without pathologizing or boxing in your emotions and experiences.

On this episode, we’re talking about:

— The complex and multiple nature of jealousy

— How attachment and jealousy are related

— Why jealousy is not a bad word, and why it’s actually one of our favorite things to talk about

— Strategies for dealing with jealousy

— Using nervous system regulation tools to help you move through experiences of jealousy

— The importance of giving yourself permission to try new strategies, even if they might not work perfectly

— How to disrupt habitual patterns and reactions to jealousy to achieve different outcomes in your life and your relationships

— The power of patience and self-compassion when you are struggling with jealousy

— How to create a jealousy rescue plan

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— The Jealousy Roadmap & The Jealousy Resource Center

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Relationship agreements are awesome. They can take you from a place of ambiguity and assumptions to a place of clarity and transparency. But what happens when the hardest part of relationship agreements is… actually… fulfilling them?? It can leave you feeling defeated and sh*tty.

If you relate to that feeling, this episode is for you. There might be some tender spots, shadowy patterns, or subconscious desires hiding beneath the surface, and we’re going to help you unearth them. We’re also going to walk you through some crucial steps in the process of accountability and repair with your partner(s).

In this episode, we’re talking about:

— Ken’s struggles with keeping relationship agreements around timing and logistics

— The importance of accountability after agreements have been broken

— Determining whether or not a relationship is safe and in alignment with your needs after agreements are broken

— Making agreements based on your values, and the difference between aspirational values and lived values

— The power of nervous system regulation during the agreement-making and repair processes

— How shadow work connects to struggles with relationship agreements

— Awareness vs acceptance of patterns

— The subconscious narratives that can underlie weaponized incompetence

— Why differentiation is vital to the agreement-making and -keeping processes

— Why this predicament can be strong material for your individuation journey

— The power of iterative agreements instead of fixed ones

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— PWF Episode 149 Relationship Agreements 101

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions