Playing With Fire

“Jealousy is just insecurity, so if you become more secure in yourself, you won't feel jealous anymore.” Ever heard that one before? We have, and we don’t agree. One of the reasons I love thinking about, talking about, and doing academic research on jealousy is that jealousy contains multitudes. Insecurity and attachment issues are just one of its many facets.

People tend to over-simplify jealousy because it can feel like a loaded word. Jealousy can get all mixed up with fear, shame, guilt, attachment challenges, and a bunch of other tricky, tender stuff. We made this episode to help you untangle those feelings and frameworks without pathologizing or boxing in your emotions and experiences.

On this episode, we’re talking about:

— The complex and multiple nature of jealousy

— How attachment and jealousy are related

— Why jealousy is not a bad word, and why it’s actually one of our favorite things to talk about

— Strategies for dealing with jealousy

— Using nervous system regulation tools to help you move through experiences of jealousy

— The importance of giving yourself permission to try new strategies, even if they might not work perfectly

— How to disrupt habitual patterns and reactions to jealousy to achieve different outcomes in your life and your relationships

— The power of patience and self-compassion when you are struggling with jealousy

— How to create a jealousy rescue plan

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— The Jealousy Roadmap & The Jealousy Resource Center

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Relationship agreements are awesome. They can take you from a place of ambiguity and assumptions to a place of clarity and transparency. But what happens when the hardest part of relationship agreements is… actually… fulfilling them?? It can leave you feeling defeated and sh*tty.

If you relate to that feeling, this episode is for you. There might be some tender spots, shadowy patterns, or subconscious desires hiding beneath the surface, and we’re going to help you unearth them. We’re also going to walk you through some crucial steps in the process of accountability and repair with your partner(s).

In this episode, we’re talking about:

— Ken’s struggles with keeping relationship agreements around timing and logistics

— The importance of accountability after agreements have been broken

— Determining whether or not a relationship is safe and in alignment with your needs after agreements are broken

— Making agreements based on your values, and the difference between aspirational values and lived values

— The power of nervous system regulation during the agreement-making and repair processes

— How shadow work connects to struggles with relationship agreements

— Awareness vs acceptance of patterns

— The subconscious narratives that can underlie weaponized incompetence

— Why differentiation is vital to the agreement-making and -keeping processes

— Why this predicament can be strong material for your individuation journey

— The power of iterative agreements instead of fixed ones

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— PWF Episode 149 Relationship Agreements 101

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Eve and Andrea created a book that I wish I had 15 years ago when I was making the transition from monogamy to non-monogamy. And I don’t say that lightly (if you know me, you know I have a LOT of polyamory books on my bookshelves).

The new edition of More Than Two is a testament to Eve and Andrea’s thoughtfulness and integrity as writers. They incorporated their evolving perspectives on ethics, relationships, and the world into their book, and the result is magical.

They cover the stuff that many authors shy away from in the non-monogamy space. Power, abuse, ethics, responsibility—even though these subjects can be loaded, they deserve ample attention, and we’re covering it all in this PWF episode.

In this episode, we’re breaking down:

— Why they decided to create a new edition “More Than Two”

— What’s covered in Andrea’s new book “Post Non-Monogamy and Beyond”

— The concept of “post-non-monogamy” and the fluidity of relational experiences

—Responsibility, ethics, and intersectionality in the non-monogamous community

— The complexities of ethical frameworks in non-monogamous relationships

— The challenges that come with negotiating attachment and boundaries

— Eve and Andrea’s take on abuse in the conscious-relating sphere

— The importance of self-awareness in maintaining ethical relationships

— The broader societal and political context of the world and how it has influenced our approaches to non-monogamy

— Thorn Apple Press, Eve’s publishing company, and its mission to elevate diverse voices in the non-monogamy community

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— More Than Two (second edition): Cultivating Nonmonogamous Relationships with Kindness and Integrity, by Eve Rickert with Andrea Zanin, out September 2024

— Post Non-Monogamy and Beyond by Andrea Zanin

— Thorn Apple Press

— Andrea Zanin's Twitter

— Eve Rickert’s website and blog

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Confession: We have not solved our mono-minds. The paradigm of monogamy runs deep in our society, so even though we’ve done decades of deep work to break out of those default frameworks and process our internalized polyphobia, we aren’t immune to the trappings of the mono-mind.

Just like many of the other life-changing processes that come with opening up intentionally and successfully (think individuation and differentiation), there is no end point to unpacking your mono-mind. It’s a life-long process, and we love to talk about it!

Our last episode on unf*cking your mono-mind is one of our top 10 most popular episodes, so we have a hunch that this may be coming up for you too… which is why we’re going even deeper in this part 2 episode.

In this episode, we’re breaking down:

— The concept of the mono-mind and how it influences our assumptions and perspectives on life and relationships

— Internalized polyphobia and why the default beliefs of a monogamous society can run so deep in our psyches

— How to recognize monogamous biases in our thoughts, language, and behaviors

— The importance of questioning what defines romance and intimacy while unpacking your mono-mindset

— Why looking at how you view friendships can be a powerful way to unpack your monogamous lenses

— The slippery nature of monogamous norms

— How the mono-mind can impact experiences of jealousy and boundaries in your relationships

— Why the process of unf*cking your mono-mind never has a clear end point (and why that’s not a bad thing)

— The value of community support and resources for unpacking monogamous conditioning

— Practical steps you can take to increase your awareness of mono-centric assumptions and tendencies

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— The book Polywise by Jessica Fern and David Cooley

— Playing With Fire Episode 94 Romantic Friendships: Subversive & Awesome

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Scenario: your anchor partner is on a date with someone else. You know they have a super hot connection, and sex is definitely on the table. You’re excited for them… but once they leave, and the time starts ticking by, all sorts of feelings are coming up. Your anxiety is building… and you don’t know how to deal with it.

We get asked about this scenario a lot, because it can be SO challenging. Good news—we’ve been there, we’ve learned a lot about our own do’s and don’ts, and we know how to help you find strategies that will work for you. And that’s exactly what we’re doing in this mini-episode!

We’re breaking down:

— How to effectively use trial and error and pattern detection in these situations

—Why jealousy is often just beneath the surface of this anxiety

— How to use resourcing and nervous system regulation while your partner is on a date

— Why parting and reentering are important opportunities for connecting with your anchor/nesting partner(s)

— Our experiences in these situations and the strategies that do and don’t work for us

— How to use The Jealousy Roadmap to work through your anxiety

— The importance of reconnecting before debriefing

— How you can actually gain wisdom from your jealousy and build intimacy with yourself and your partners

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Minimum Viable Agreements, discussed in Episode 149 Relationship Agreements 101

— The Jealousy Roadmap

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Money, parenting, sharing space, schedules, rental agreements… these may not be the sexiest and most exciting aspects of non-monogamy, but they are important. In fact, they’re common stumbling blocks, and can cause big relationship issues when left unaddressed for long periods of time.

Here’s the problem: we rarely get to hear about how other polyamorous people are handling the practical details of their lives. That’s exactly what our guest today, author and coach Laura Boyle, is out to solve. Her new book, Monogamy? In this Economy? Finances, Childrearing, and Other Practical Concerns of Polyamory, is based on a survey of nearly 500 polyamorous households and is chock full of the real-life experiences of families with more than two adults.

In this episode, we’re talking about:

— The most common size of polyamorous households (hint: it's not what you might expect!)

— Creative solutions for managing space constraints in shared living situations

— The importance of open communication about seemingly minor issues before they become major problems

— How to navigate the complexities of blending families and introducing new partners to children

— Practical considerations around finances, particularly regarding vacations and large gifts for non-nesting partners

— The parallels between polyamorous family dynamics and other "non-traditional" family structures like blended families

— Why it's crucial to discuss reproductive health and pregnancy scenarios early in relationships

— Our own experiences with solving these issues

— How relationship anarchy principles can benefit both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships

— Addressing jealousy in multi-adult households without overemphasizing or ignoring it

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Laura Boyle's new book: Monogamy in This Economy: Finances, Child Rearing, and Other Practical Concerns of Polyamory

— Pre-order Laura’s book

— Laura's website: ReadyForPolyamory.com

— Follow Laura on Instagram and TikTok: @ReadyforPolyamory

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on what we can change in our lives. Take responsibility and make the changes needed. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by how this shit keeps happening. There are those same old cyclical situations… a heated argument with a romantic partner, a recurring issue at work, a really challenging family dynamic… where we feel like we have no control. All those tools and practices go out the window and it feels like the situation is just happening at us.

These challenges are the perfect place to start practicing shadow work—the process of becoming aware of what you’ve suppressed, hated, and denied about yourself. Sound a little scary? Don’t worry, shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting all the mean parts of yourself. In other words, doing this work doesn’t mean becoming an asshole.

There are many ways to do shadow work, but today we’re focusing on a method created by Carolyn Lovewell called Existential Kink. Existential Kink involves loving, accepting, and owning the ‘guilty pleasure’ we get from the shadowy aspects of our subconscious, and we’re walking you through the whole process.

In this episode, we’re breaking down:

— What the shadow is

— What it means to do shadow work

— How Jungian and depth psychology define and approach the shadow

— Examples of how and why people repress and deny aspects of themselves

— Why unexamined shadow aspects of ourselves often lead to projections

— How embracing and recollecting repressed aspects of ourselves can be powerfully transformative for your personal growth and relationships

— Why shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting evil/mean aspects of ourselves (AKA becoming an asshole)

— The theory behind and process of Existential Kink

— The importance of community and support while doing depth psychological work

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— My Individuation Alchemy program

— Carolyn Lovewell’s book, work, and programs

— Lindsay Braman’s Emotion Sensation Feelings Wheel

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Read the transcript of this episode here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Abbey and Liam approach building conscious relationships in a way that’s refreshing, pragmatic, playful, and authentic, all at once. Their work focuses on creating space for open, real conversations about non-monogamy, and they’re really good at it!!

In this episode, Abbey and Liam share a lot about their journeys, including their gradual, relaxed approach to coming out as non-monogamous, how they prioritize parenting, and how they navigate challenges like jealousy, boundaries, commitment, and communication.

In this episode, we talk about:

— How Abby and Liam gradually came out as non-monogamous to friends and family

— Their experiences balancing non-monogamy and parenting a young child

— The importance of age-appropriate conversations about relationships with kids

— How non-monogamy has enhanced their connection as a couple

— Navigating jealousy, including Liam's "motorbike rule"

— The role of humor and levity in addressing relationship challenges

— How non-monogamy connects to mortality and living life fully

— The value of open communication in relationships

— Unpacking safety concerns vs. attachment fears in setting boundaries

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— The Evolving Love Project podcast

— The Evolving Love Project Substack

— Abbey's upcoming women's retreat in May 2024

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Read the transcript of this episode here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Opening up isn’t just about f*cking around and finding out.

Done thoughtfully, it’s an experience of opening up yourself. It winds up being a journey of learning what you truly need and want and how to collaborate to create relationships that truly fit.

The Year of Opening is POWERFUL. I’ve seen people transform themselves and their lives in this program, over and over. In this special PWF episode, we sit down with five past participants to hear about what brought them to The Year of Opening, the challenges they faced in their opening journeys, and the transformations they underwent along the way.

We created The Year of Opening to give people access to researched-backed tools, professional support, and a community of people who just get it, all in one place. Hear all about it from these amazing, brave YOO graduates, who get vulnerable in this episode to give you a peek into what it’s like to join this community.

If you’re looking for support on your opening journey, but you have some questions about the best way to get it, this episode is for you!

Our graduates share:

— What inspired them to find support

— What it was like being in a group and talking about vulnerable stuff

— The tools and concepts that stuck with them

— How the work is continuing to benefit their lives

— The unexpected personal growth that came from working on their relationships

— The importance of community support while exploring non-monogamy

JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.theyearofopening.com⁠⁠

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Read the transcript of this episode here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

When we read Entwined, Alex Alberto’s genre-blending memoir, we felt seen, understood, and represented on a whole new level. We knew right away that we wanted Alex to join us on Playing With Fire—and this week’s episode is even better than we could have imagined!!

Alex’s ground-breaking collection of essays covers beautiful and difficult parts of polyamory that are rarely discussed in story-telling formats. They show us how intense and transformative metamour relationships can be, and they bring us stories of sex and love that go beyond the romp-in-the-hay format. Whether you're polyamorous, monogamous, or somewhere in between, this conversation will expand your understanding of what's possible in relationships.

In this episode, we discuss:

— Alex’s journey to non-monogamy

— How polyamory can be a path to self-discovery and personal growth

— The value of intentionality in relationships, regardless of structure

— How non-monogamy can expand our capacity for joy and connection

— Appreciating the day-to-day realities of non-monogamous relationships, even the challenging parts

— The beauty and importance of metamour relationships in polyamorous dynamics

— The power of storytelling in normalizing and validating non-traditional relationships

— The need for diverse representation in polyamory media

— Parenting, co-parenting, and navigating the societal pressures of raising a child in a non-monogamous family dynamic

— Embracing change and transitions in long-term partnerships

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Alex's book, Entwined: Essays on Polyamory and Creating Home

— Alex's website

— Alex's Instagram and TikTok: @thatalexalberto

— The upcoming magazine Entwined Mag

Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved!

Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at⁠⁠ ⁠www.JoliQuiz.com⁠

Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here

Read the transcript of this episode here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions