The fourth and final mailbag episode of the summer is here! Dr. Alexandra has advice for three listeners with three relationship dilemmas related to infidelity and rebuilding trust, both relationally and within themselves.

Start healing together with these listener challenges:

• Our first listener question concerns shame upon discovering an extramarital affair.
• The second question deals with jealousy in the wake of some boundary-breaching behavior that is impacting the relationship.
• An affair partner asks our third question, as she struggles with honesty and clarity within the affair from her married partner.

Resources worth mentioning from the episode:

• Can I Trust You Again? e-course: https://courses.dralexandrasolomon.com/can-i-trust-you-again-rebuilding-after-betrayal-or-deceit
• Reimagining Love episode, When Shame Blocks Repair: https://dralexandrasolomon.com/podcasts/when-shame-blocks-repair/
• Reimagining Love episode, When You’re the Affair Partner: https://dralexandrasolomon.com/podcasts/when-youre-the-affair-partner/
• Your Midyear Refresh on MasterClass: http://masterclass.com/yourmidyearrefresh
• Couple Therapy Certification Course from PESI: http://pesi.com/dralexandra

Continue the conversation with Dr. Alexandra Solomon:

• Ask a question! Submit your relationship challenge: https://form.jotform.com/212295995939274
• Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day: https://bookshop.org/p/books/love-every-day-365-relational-self-awareness-practices-to-help-your-relationship-heal-grow-and-thrive-alexandra-solomon/19970421?ean=9781683736530
• Cultivate connection by subscribing to Dr. Alexandra’s newsletter: https://dralexandrasolomon.com/subscribe/
• Learn more on IG: https://www.instagram.com/dr.alexandra.solomon/

Dr. Alexandra sits down with Case Kenny – creator, mindfulness expert, host of the podcast New Mindset, Who Dis? and author of That’s Bold of You and The Opposite of Settling: How to Get Everything You Want Out of Love and Life Without Losing Your Spark – to discuss how societal “shoulds” around dating and relationships can create rigid expectations and fear-based decisions. Instead, they invite us to lean into curiosity, optimism, and self-awareness to get what we want out of love and dating.

Together, they dive into:

• Why the concept of “settling down” needs an upgrade—and what it means to “settle up” instead
   
• How understanding your “why” of dating shifts your whole approach
   
• Using the peak-end rule to reframe past dating experiences
   
• How showing up enthusiastically and with trust as the default right from the start can amplify your dating and relationship experiences

            And so much more!

“Your Midyear Refresh” on MasterClass: masterclass.com/yourmidyearrefresh

Couple Therapy Certification Course from PESI: pesi.com/dralexandra

The Opposite of Settling: How to Get Everything You Want Out of Love and Life Without Losing Your Spark by Case Kenny

Instagram @case.kenny

Learn more about Case Kenny: https://www.casekenny.com/

Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day

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First-generation children of immigrants often struggle with bicultural straddling, impacting their sense of identity, their mental health, their priorities and values, and their relationships. They can also find it difficult to be understood and loved by their parents in a way they can truly feel. Dr. Alexandra is joined by Sahaj Kaur Kohli, founder of Brown Girl Therapy and author of But What Will People Say: Navigating Mental Health, Identity, Love and Family Between Cultures to discuss how we can develop more capacity to love across differences and make shifts within ourselves to change our relationships for the better.

You will come away from this conversation with:

• Validation for identity tensions you may carry as the child of immigrant parents (or more perspective on these identity tensions if you are not!)
• Insight into balancing personal boundaries with cultural expectations, especially when dealing with clashing priorities - plus a fresh perspective on how to approach healing
• Tips on finding the right therapist and how to ensure you’re receiving culturally-attuned care given the mental health field’s bias toward a Eurocentric and individualized approach 
• Strategies for building healthier relationships - with yourself, your family, and romantic partners - while honoring your heritage

“Your Midyear Refresh” on MasterClass: masterclass.com/yourmidyearrefresh

Couple Therapy Certification Course from PESI: pesi.com/dralexandra

But What Will People Say: Navigating Mental Health, Identity, Love and Family Between Cultures by Sahaj Kaur Kohli

Brown Girl Therapy Instagram 

Culturally Enough Substack

Learn more about Sahaj Kaur Kohli

Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day

Submit a Listener Question

When grappling with aspects of ourselves that we deem less good, less productive or less loveable, it may be tempting to completely write those parts off, or to hide them away in shame.  Today’s guest, Britt Frank, sits down with Dr. Alexandra to make a compelling case for why it is essential to use the power of parts work to embrace these aspects of ourselves so that we can make better sense of the full range of the human experience and show up more fully in our important relationships.  

You will come away from this episode with:

• Inspiration to embrace all parts of yourself, good and “bad”
• Know-how to A.L.I.G.N your mind, using this acronym to work with your parts
• Greater “parts literacy” to navigate your relationships with more skill, understanding, and compassion
• A new perspective on Attachment Styles in relation to our parts

“Your Midyear Refresh” on MasterClass: masterclass.com/yourmidyearrefresh

Couple Therapy Certification Course from PESI: pesi.com/dralexandra

Align Your Mind: Tame Your Inner Critic and Make Peace with Your Shadow Using the Power of Parts Work by Britt Frank

Learn more about Britt Frank at https://www.brittfrank.com/

Reimagining Love Episode, Finding The “Self”: Exploring Family Systems Therapy With Dr. Richard C. Schwartz

Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day

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Welcome to R&R: Revisit & Reflect, a new episode format here on the podcast. We’re living in a time of information abundance (sometimes information overload) and lots of that information is about mental health and relational health! But there’s a difference between consuming content and integrating it. When we consume, the information might just pass through us, whereas when we integrate, the information weaves its way into our unique story or situation, creating insight and the potential for a shift in mindset, in emotion, in belief, and in behavior. 

With these R&R episodes, you’ll reflect and journal with Dr. Alexandra to integrate core lessons from the podcast, continuing with today’s conversation from the archive with the esteemed Drs. John & Julie Gottman. The Gottmans share some of the most groundbreaking findings to ever come out of their Love Lab and discuss with Dr. Alexandra the relationship principle of “Small Things Often.” So, get out your favorite pen and journal and join in this summer reflection. 

You’ll come away from this episode with:

• A deeper understanding of how 'small things often' can create lasting bonds in your intimate partnerships.
• An opportunity to identify and appreciate the positive moments that contribute to your relationship's health.
• A framework for self-reflection with actionable journaling prompts to enhance intimacy.

Journaling Prompts:

1. What messages did you receive growing up, either from your family, your culture, or from media you consumed, about HOW to express love? In what ways were those messages limited, and how might you update them based on what you heard in this clip?
2. What keeps you from making small gestures of love towards your partner / toward your past partner? What keeps you from ACCEPTING bids for connection from partners? Is it discomfort? If so, what specifically feels uncomfortable? Is it fear? If so, what specifically is the fear? Is it a feeling of unworthiness? If so, what do you want to remember about who you are?
3. In the clip, the Gottmans remind us that our PERCEPTION of our partner can play a huge role in the dynamic, and that we might actually be missing positive moments and bids for connection that are already happening. Write down a commitment you want to make this week to help you to keep an eye out for the positive.
4. What’s something you find beautiful about your partner, either inside or out? What would it be like to share this with them, without any agenda, but just because it might light them up?

“Your Midyear Refresh” on MasterClass: masterclass.com/yourmidyearrefresh

Couple Therapy Certification Course from PESI: pesi.com/dralexandra

Reimagining Love Episode, “How to Love Well: The Little Things that Change Everything with Drs. John & Julie Gottman”

Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day

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Welcome to another summer mailbag episode, in which Dr. Alexandra digs into recent listener questions so that we can all grow, together. Two of the questions today follow a general shape of a question that comes across Dr. Alexandra’s desk quite often. Something like: “Everything’s perfect in my relationship…BUT….” There’s some challenge, incompatibility, or roadblock that feels outside of our control—or, something within *US* that’s holding us back from taking things to the next level, even though everything feels so right—and we can’t get unstuck. Dr. Alexandra speaks to two listeners in this spot, as well as answering a unique question from a listener who is wanting to reclaim a special place for herself and her daughter, a place that holds both “pain and potential,” in her words, in the wake of the end of her marriage. Listen to hear Dr. Alexandra’s tips on how she can reclaim her paradise.

“Your Midyear Refresh” on MasterClass: masterclass.com/yourmidyearrefresh

Couple Therapy Certification Course from PESI: pesi.com/dralexandra

Take the Family of Origin Roles QUIZ 

Previous summer mailbag episodes: Mailbag 1, Mailbag 2

Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day

Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter

Submit a Listener Question

Sex isn't always easy to talk about, but today, you're going to hear from someone who is bringing the sexy back to sex ed. Dr. Alexandra is joined by Shan Boodram, a sexuality educator and certified sexologist, known for her work on Netflix’s Too Hot To Handle, The Marriage Pact on The Roku Channel, and Ex-Rated on Peacock, as well as her MasterClass, “The Art of Seduction,” which leads folks through the fundamentals of flirting, intimacy, and how to foster deep physical and emotional connections. Shan’s approach to sex education is welcoming and approachable, and she has a reverence for this topic that is oh-so central to our humanity and aliveness. From re-defining the way we draw wisdom from the ancient Kama Sutra text, to even designing jewelry that encourages folks to reclaim their pleasure in the bedroom, Shan & this conversation will inspire you to see your and your partner’s sexuality with fresh eyes. And if you’re looking for practical advice on the art of seduction, you’ll get that in this episode, too (enter Shan’s iconic “sexy eye triangle” tip). There’s so much to glean from this episode, whether you’re looking to spice things up with your partner in the bedroom, move past sexual shame, or just see sex in a new way.

You’ll come away from this episode with:

• A refreshed perspective on the “intimate self” and a reminder of how central our sexuality is to our humanity
• Practical tips for how to use flirting and seduction to connect with others, and even more importantly, with yourself 
• New ideas for how to bring novelty, improved communication, and playfulness into the bedroom

“Your Midyear Refresh” on MasterClass: masterclass.com/yourmidyearrefresh

Couple Therapy Certification Course from PESI: pesi.com/dralexandra

“The Art of Seduction on MasterClass: masterclass.com/shan

Käma, Shan's jewelry collaboration with Surmeyi

Shan’s website

LOVERS by shan, Shan’s podcast

Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day

Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter

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Dr. Alexandra sits down with author and speaker Jennifer Pastiloff for a heartfelt conversation centered on vulnerability, new beginnings, and embracing joy through trying times. Jen’s candid sharing of her personal journey reminds us that we're constantly given opportunities to evolve ourselves, heal, and step more deeply into our authenticity. Jen and Dr. Alexandra also discuss navigating the "messy middle" after a breakup or divorce, and how we can begin again in life after facing bumps in the road. Jen's new book, Proof of Life: Let Go, Let Love, and Stop Looking for Permission to Live Your Life, is out today and explores all of these topics and many more.

You'll come away from this episode with:

• Hope & permission to live a bigger and more beautiful life
• Reminders for how to cultivate emotional safety in your intimate partnerships, which will pave the way for deeper connection
• A deeper understanding of the importance of "I Got You" people—the supportive folks in your circle who reflect your best self back to you—and clues for how to find them
• Empowerment to feel joy and search for beauty even in the most difficult or heartbreaking chapters of your life

“Your Midyear Refresh” on MasterClass: masterclass.com/yourmidyearrefresh

Couple Therapy Certification Course from PESI: pesi.com/dralexandra

Proof of Life: Let Go, Let Love, and Stop Looking for Permission to Live Your Life by Jennifer Pastiloff

Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day

Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter

Submit a Listener Question

Welcome to R&R: Revisit & Reflect, a new episode format here on the podcast. We’re living in a time of information abundance (sometimes information overload) and lots of that information is about mental health and relational health! But there’s a difference between consuming content and integrating it. When we consume, the information might just pass through us, whereas when we integrate, the information weaves its way into our unique story or situation, creating insight and the potential for a shift in mindset, in emotion, in belief, and in behavior. With these R&R episodes, you’ll reflect and journal with Dr. Alexandra to integrate core lessons from the podcast, starting with today’s conversation from the archive with the inimitable relationship expert Esther Perel. They explore relational ambivalence and how to reignite the spark inside your relationship, and within yourself, inspired by a listener’s question. So, get out your favorite pen and journal and join in this summer reflection. 

You’ll come away from this episode with:

• A deeper understanding of the importance of rituals in maintaining connection amidst life's challenges
• A new perspective on the impact of external circumstances on anxiety in your relationships.
• The ability to recognize and respond to your partner's bids for connection.
• A framework for self-reflection with actionable journaling prompts to enhance intimacy.

Journaling Prompts:

1. How do the macro issues of the world shape your love life today? To what degree are you able to give yourself permission for play and pleasure, even as the world feels so hard? What allows you to do that?
2. In the clip, Esther reminds us that if you don’t know how to turn yourself on, there’s nothing your partner can do to turn you on. How are you finding ways to connect to your own aliveness? What are some things you can do this week, just for you, that could reinvigorate your internal spark? This could include engaging with nature, art, food, movement, or play.
3. In this clip, Esther and Dr. Alexandra talk about how for a couple to create an experience together, one partner is the initiator and one is the responder. These roles aren’t fixed, but which role do you do you tend to find yourself in more? What do you like about being in each position, and what’s hard about each of them?

“Your Midyear Refresh” on MasterClass: masterclass.com/yourmidyearrefresh

Couple Therapy Certification Course from PESI: pesi.com/dralexandra

Order Dr. Alexandra’s book, Love Every Day

Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter

Submit a Listener Question