Drama Alert at the wall!  Mance won't save his people with a simple kneel.  Jon won't taint his love of a dead woman by smoochin with a Red Woman.  Jon does, however, prove a very popular guy and pulls off a surprise election victory.  Good for you, Jon - everyone loves you!!

Meanwhile, Stannis prepares to finally March south with his army to take back Winterfell, and also finds time to earn his Dad of the Year award.  Jon and Tormund have a long talk and find some common ground when it comes to handling the whole "all those Wildlings are going to be zombies soon" situation.  I'm sure everyone will still love Jon when they hear about his place.... right?  Ollie?

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Cersei Lannister becomes her own worst enemy when her desire to hurt the Tyrells leads her to give power to the wrong set of zealots.  Royals and nobles start getting locked up and King Tommen can't seem to get it together to free them.  Cersei finds a way to free herself via some amazingly-unsexy nudity, and we learn a new meaning of the word "SHAME!"

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We aren't quite sure what the deal is with Petyr Baelish, but it seems like he really screws Sansa over this time... no pun intended.  Sansa, Theon (Reek), Baelish, and Brienne all come together in-or-near Winterfell, and this really doesn't lead to good things for the new Mrs. Bolton.  It's very unpleasant.  VERY.  UNPLEASANT.

Baelish's plot, however, provides some amazing possibilities for the future.  We look forward to see how his machinations play themselves out!

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Daenerys really, REALLY doesn't want to re-open the fighting pits, but it seems like the Sons of the Harpy might stop murdering people if she does.  Luckily for her, she gives in just in time to be reunited with Jorah who - despite bringing her a gift - still isn't so welcome.  Dany and Tyrion get to know each other and find some intellectual common ground, and then it's time for the pit-fighting championships!  Things don't go so smoothly, but at least Jorah gets another chance to prove his worth.  And then ... fire!

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Long ago, Arya Stark befriended a Magical Murder-Genie named Jaqen H'Ghar.  Now she's arrived in Braavos to become his apprentice.  Or... has she?  She can't be Jaqen's apprentice if Jaqen doesn't actually exist, but there is someone with Jaqen's face ... or maybe more than one person with Jaqen's face... oy, this is confusing!  In any case, Arya gets her chance to prove that she's ready to become No One, but finds herself torn between being No One and being Arya when someone from her list arrives on business.

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Tyrion and Varys make it to Essos safe and sound... if you don't mind the stench of a man who's been stuck in a box for a week or two.  After they decide to go seek out the lovely Mother of Dragons, Tyrion's impatience gets him in huge trouble when Jorah Mormont finds him.  Their subsequent road trip is met with many a problem (STONE COOTIES), but fate manages to find a way for Jorah to get to where he wants to be.  More or less.

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Cersei gets a package in the mail that she totally didn't order, so she sends Jamie off to Dorne (with a reluctant Bronn in tow) to investigate the situation.  We meet Sassy Teen Myrcella, her loving fiancee Trystane, Prince Doran of Dorne, and The Most Beautiful Woman in the World and her two sisters.  Much adventure is had, and Jamie even finds some legitimate peace and happiness.  Good for you, Jamie Lannister!

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It's the Battle of Castle Black!  We've waited all season for this epic night of epicness, and pays off immensely!  Giants, mammoths, wildlings, ballistas, scythes, gaping neck wounds that make you drown in your own blood, .... this battle has EVERYTHING!  That Jon Snow guy shows strong leadership and tremendous bravery, but when he locks eyes with Ygritte from across the carnage, they both lose their lust for battle as Cupid's arrow pierces clean through all of their animosity.

Oh yeah, and Ollie does something.

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Brothers ALMOST meet when Bran's and Jon's paths cross at The Keep Formerly Belonging to Craster.  Bran practices his best Hodoring, Jon makes arguably the coolest kill in the show to-date, and then they go their separate ways because Bran super-duper needs find the magic tree where it's always sunset. And then... acorn bombs, nonchalant stabbings, and a weird old dude who appears to be Velcroed to a bunch of branches.

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It seems that one of the best lessons for surviving in Westeros is: If you see Arya and The Hound coming, RUN! They might not kill you themselves, or maybe they will, but odds are good that someone is going to die soon. Brienne and Podrick stumble into this traveling doom and they try to help, but things go south quickly and ....

Someone.
Might.
die. 

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