Practice of Being Seen

Conversations around dismantling systemic racism are becoming increasingly urgent and persistent.  But for some of us, we can feel lost on how we can contribute, even when our intentions are good.  No one wants to do it wrong.  We are all needed in this movement nonetheless.  So, what does this mean for therapists, healers and change-makers?

 

We have to start by asking the question:  What needs dismantling within my own life and what needs expansion?  

Does therapy look the same for all peoples? What is the difference between anti-racism and liberation psychology?  And what can we do to move through the discomfort that arises within discourse around race? 

In this episode, I connect with Shawna Murray-Browne, LCSW-C, a liberation-focused psychotherapist and healer in Baltimore, Maryland. We discuss why we can’t continue to use the same concepts, practices, and applications for all. Shawna shares how we all have an opportunity to recognize the needs of brown and black persons inside and outside of the therapy space. We all have an opportunity to hold a healing space for those who have different experiences than we do. Together, we talk about the importance of honoring ancient wisdoms that have been repackaged and branded as “wellness” in the western world.  We ask the tough questions regarding trauma in black communities, how we can best be of service to the movement and the community, and in what ways we can move past common assumptions regarding black and brown  persons within the therapeutic space and beyond. Join us this week as Shawna shares her call to action.

Earlier in this season on the Practice of Being Seen, Molly Merson, MFT, and I initiated a discussion around the “American collective unconscious”.  It’s such a complex, layered subject. And though we covered quite a bit of ground in in that hour of conversation, there still is so much more to explore. And so many questions to open up to possibility.

The term “dissociation” can drum up quite a bit of fear in people.  Many will immediately think of what we used to call “multiple personalities disorder” and respond: “Hey, I’m not crazy!” But in truth, we all dissociate from time to time.  

 

So what exactly is dissociation?  You might misplace your keys now and then or you might shut down in a heated argument with your partner, but how do we know if this is a disconnection from self?  From time and space?

 

It turns out, the clues are in our moments of calm, rather than the stressful ones.  Are we really experiencing calm?  Or, are we just checking out, numbing up?  

 

This week’s guest, Stacey Steinmiller, LCSW-R, specializes in dissociation and is here to clarify the meaning of dissociation with a high level of compassion and nonjudgment.  She explains how dissociation starts as a useful coping mechanism to stress and trauma, when things start to go awry, how practicing both calm and pleasant emotions are the key to finding agency when confronted with negative emotions, and what EMDR’s got to do with it.

Quoted in the Episode:

“So much of this work about coming into one's identity is  understanding oneself.” 

Rebecca Wong

 

““It comes back to unlearning everything we're taught and re-learning who we are.”  Rebecca Wong

 

“We develop a false self to please the people around us, to fit in, to belong...then there's who we really are.” Rebecca Wong

 

“If you’re brought up in a household where there wasn't calm, you never learn how to be calm.” Stacey Steinmiller

 

“Once you're able to allow yourself to be in that positive feeling state, that gives you more agency to bring yourself from a negative feeling state to a positive feeling state.” Stacey Steinmiller

 

“Understand why you developed it, where it came from, what its purpose was. Understand that with compassion. And realize you don’t have to run that script anymore.” Stacey Steinmiller

 

"The treatment is learning how to be calm and tolerating being calm and, knowing nothing bad's going to happen if you allow yourself to be calm." Stacey Steinmiller

 

Resources Referenced in this Episode:

”Man's Search for Meaning” Viktor Frankl

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing)

 

Where to find Stacy:

Authentic Self Counseling

 

If you're interested in working with Rebecca Wong, you can find out more about her services here: https://www.practiceofbeingseen.com/work-with-rebecca/

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A brief summary of this episode

How does neurodiversity ripple into all facets of our lives and society at large?  And when we talk about neurodiversity, are we all somewhere on the spectrum or is there a “normal”?  The truth is, there is no normal. And that must mean that there is no one way to learn, no one way to communicate, no one way to view or be in the world.  Neurodiversity--or, the natural variance in human genomes that result in a range of neurological conditions, from ADHD and autism to dyslexia and numerous others--surely must influence more than just childhood education.  In what ways does might it influence our relationships as adults?  And what might trauma’s role play in neurodiversity?

This week’s guest, Larry Stein, calls those with neurological conditions “the most vulnerable of the vulnerable” and that even young children are aware of their difference from others.  Together, we discuss our personal experiences with learning disabilities, how learning disabilities shape self-esteem, the extensive effort that goes into assessment and why there are no longitudinal studies being done on those living with learning disabilities, and why integration is the key.  

 

Resources Referenced in this Episode:

Orton Gillingham Approach for reading interventions

Eva Tenuto

Practice of Being Seen Episode 10: Eva Tenuto: Where Storytelling Meets Activism

 

Where to find Larry:

RedBankPsych.com

 

Larry’s Written Works:

Why Your Child May Need an Independent Psychoeducational Evaluation 

Five Reasons Why A School District’s Evaluation of Your Child May Be Insufficient 

Modern motherhood can look like many different things, but there tends to be a few connective threads that aren’t often discussed. One is that modern moms from all walks of life are juggling a lot in their day-to-day. Another is that many of us aren’t prepared for the dramatic internal shifts that motherhood brings about.

 

If you have ever aspired to step into a leadership role, or consider yourself a leader but want to do it better, you’re going to love this week’s conversation.  I’m speaking with Traci Ruble, a therapist, public speaker, and CEO of multiple projects.  We’re talking about redefining what leadership really means, how to truly listen, and why both are so important in human life.  Traci has such a unique process in getting onstage, from concept to delivery and post-review.  It’s all about giving yourself permission, working through the imposter syndrome, and noticing when you feel most embodied.  

 

We also talk about the importance of relationships as leaders, with our tribes, our partners, and with those we lead and work with.  Traci has learned valuable ways of ensuring that she and others feel supported, to combat the loneliness as well as honor our existence.  Deep listening is a big piece of that, but I love the way that Traci redefines what listening really means.  This truly is the Practice of Being Seen.

You can read the full show notes at www.practiceofbeingseen.com

Approximately 20% of the world’s population carries the Highly Sensitive personality trait.  That’s basically 1 in 5 people you’ll encounter on a given day.  You might be highly sensitive yourself.  But there’s quite a bit of stigma that comes along with the word “sensitive” and the term “Highly Sensitive Person” (HSP) is often misunderstood. Given that most therapists and healers are also HSPs and about 50% of their clientele are as well, it’s imperative that we demystify the gifts and challenges that Highly Sensitive People experience internally and put forth into the world.

 

As an HSP myself, I’m thrilled to be talking with April Snow, AMFT, a therapist who focuses on HSPs in her practice and runs an incredible online community for highly sensitive therapists.  The topic of high sensitivity is so big that it’s a real challenge to say it all in the span of a single episode. But, April and I really touch on a lot, from defining what the HSP trait really is and the gifts and challenges that come with it, the importance of processing time and radical self-acceptance, the challenges of parenting HSP children, to the differences between introverted and extroverted HSPs as well as the differences between extroverted HSPs and non-HSP extroverts.  We also dip a toe into the importance of letting the joy in and what that means to an HSP, the isolation and loneliness HSPs are prone to, and the hero/heroine’s journey that all HSPs need to step fully into themselves.  And, we discuss how embracing your highly sensitive nature completely alters the way you work and market yourself, allowing effort, hustle and selling yourself to fall away as your YOU-ness surfaces and resonates effortlessly.

 

I want to delve deeper into the topic of HSPs, but I would love to hear your questions about life and work as a HSP, and working with other HSPs.  You can submit your questions here: practiceofbeingseen.com/the-highly-sensitive-series-query

 

Quoted in the Episode:

There’s this misperception that sensitivity is weakness.  But, actually, there’s a lot of strength there. Doesn’t it take bravery and strength to feel all those emotions? And to feel them so deeply, to go to those places within yourself?  That’s brave.  - April Snow

 

You see a lot of highly sensitive therapists questioning their ability to do the work long-term, which breaks my heart because it can be overwhelming without taking into account your temperament, carving time in for yourself during the day and making sure you get a good lunch, not overscheduling yourself and getting the right supports where they need to be.  Those are all really important so that you can allow these gifts to come forward.  - April Snow

 

I’m starting to see a pattern in these conversations where we get to a point where we identify yet another form of othering.  Another way that we’re separate or we’re different.  And then there’s this quest, this desire to belong and to reintegrate things, but integrate them from a place of holding ourselves in our differences and not dimming the light on those things.  Those things are what make us who we are.  - Rebecca Wong

 

What could we unlearn that is actually causing us to feel these things that are detrimental to our being?  - Rebecca Wong

 

Resources Referenced in this Episode:

April’s Facebook group for Highly Sensitive Therapists

Pioneer researcher of HSP personality trait, Elaine Aron, PhD. 

April’s upcoming retreat for Highly Sensitive Therapists: HSTretreat.com

 

Where to find April Snow]:

For support for HSP therapists:

We often think fear is designed to keep us safe.  When you shift focus you may find it’s that very fear that keeps each of us from living out our dreams. Perhaps we misunderstand fear’s purpose and message. It’s uncomfortable to be in relationship with fear so we tend towards making choices that allow us to avoid fear altogether, that keep us safe (and playing small). The thing is, that our fears cloud our ability to enjoy the crap out of our lives. Fear and joy coexists simultaneously, constant companions.  We don’t eventually become unscared.  Instead, we learn to feel the fear and move forward anyway.

 

In this discussion, Lauree Ostrofsky and I reflect on the power in vulnerability, possibility and community—that sometimes, we just need someone to be the first to be vulnerable to give us permission to do the same.  We talk about laying groundwork for our dreams, seeding our visions, and about choosing our words and company wisely along the way.  And we discuss the importance in viewing joy and pleasure as a practice—in choosing to feel it ourselves, in seeking it out in others.  And, of course, we dive into the reality of fear as a guiding presence throughout our lives and how we keep it in its serviceable place.

Quoted in the Episode:

“What I learned from the brain tumor was that things are really scary and you don’t become unscared. You actually just deal with fear in a different way.”  - Lauree Ostrofsky

 

“If you’re not enjoying your life now, how will you ever enjoy it when you get the goal that you want to achieve? Enjoying your life is actually a muscle that you have to develop.”  - Lauree Ostrofsky

 

“If we can be present with the fear that’s in us, we can also be present with the joy.  Because it’s likely you have multiple feelings going on at the same time.”  - Lauree Ostrofsky

 

“Luckily that happened because, otherwise, I would still be in that marriage.  I would still be doing that job.  And I would know that I was unhappy, but it was definitely safer.  I was making all safe choices and I think I needed something big enough to wake myself up.” - Lauree Ostrofsky

 

“If we don’t feel that there’s other people with us, then part of the fear is that we are all alone.  So, this is beautiful because we’re really talking about how to make these leaps, how to reach our own audacious goals even when they’re intimidating.  And a lot of it has to do with being with ourselves and finding community that we can also be with.”  - Rebecca Wong

 

Resources Referenced in this Episode:

Joseph Campbell’s quote, “If the path before you is clear, you’re probably on someone else’s.”

IFS (Internal Family Systems) model of therapy

 

Where to find Lauree Ostrofsky:

SimplyLeap.com

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram

 

If you're interested in working with Rebecca Wong, you can find out more about her services here:

1. If you're in New York and would like to schedule a relationship therapy session start here: https://connectfulness.com/therapy/

2. If you're a therapist and are interested in mentorship with Rebecca, find out more about services offered here: https://www.practiceofbeingseen.com/work-with-rebecca/

3. To learn more about Rebecca’s Private Couples Intensive Retreats, start here:

Couples come to therapy for a myriad of reasons. But often, the real reason why they’re showing up is the thing hidden underneath their reasons.  The solution is nearly always found in holding a magnifying lens up in those moments of conflict and, as this week’s guest Shake Birkel says, “owning our shit”. Suddenly, “Why is he/she doing this to me?” shifts into an opportunity to sit with our emotions and recalibrate our connections.

Shane Birkel, a therapist and fellow podcaster, is no stranger to these magnifying glass moments.  Together, we discuss the ways raising kids can shift a relationship in positive ways, the lessons we get from failure, the differences in what men want in a relationship and what women want from the same, and the palpable ripple effects of the #metoo movement in our work with couples and intimacy.

Quoted in the Episode:

“We don’t have the conversations that come up in couples therapy in our day-to-day lives.  We have to be very intentional about setting up space for that.”  - Shane Birkel

 

“Couples put so much pressure on perfection and on not trying hard enough.  And such an important part of the work of owning your own stuff is also building a healthy self-esteem that comes from within you.  That I feel confident in myself as a human being, that my partner can act like a jerk and I know that it doesn’t have to do with me. They still love and care about me and we don’t have to do this perfectly every single time.” - Shane Birkel

 

“Vulnerability has such different meanings for men and women.  For women, it’s a connection point.  For men, it’s often veiled in fear and the possibility of rejection. And I think as we’re opening up these conversations and saying to couples, ‘The antidote here is to become more vulnerable’, we have to understand that the very prescription has different meanings for people who are enculturated in different ways.”  - Rebecca Wong

 

 

Resources Referenced in this Episode:

Terry Real’s RLT Training

 

Where to find Shane:

ShaneBirkel.com

CouplesTherapistCouch.com

Facebook Page

Facebook Group

 

 

If you're interested in working with Rebecca Wong, you can find out more about her services here:

1. If you're in New York and would like to schedule a relationship therapy session start here: https://connectfulness.com/therapy/

2. If you're a therapist and are interested in mentorship with Rebecca, find out more about services offered here: https://www.practiceofbeingseen.com/work-with-rebecca/

3. To learn more about Rebecca’s Private Couples Intensive Retreats, start here: https://connectfulness.com/intensive-private-retreat/

 

To join the #POBScast Community practiceofbeingseen.com/community

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