Proactive Mindfulness: Redefining Personal Growth

Shelly Chauhan reflects on her experience dealing with breast cancer: “As a psychologist and coach, being diagnosed with breast cancer has enabled me to experience, first-hand, the transcendental power of emotional regulation, self-compassion, and mindfulness. Without the ability to restore a feeling of inner peace and emotional comfort, or the ability to accept, without anger, what life has brought my way, these past few weeks would have felt infinitely more distressing. I feel so much empathy for those people who are dealing with trauma or difficulty without the healing quality of compassion or the tranquillity and ease of simply being present in the moment.”

Shelly Chauhan MSc CPsychol  : As a London-based chartered psychologist and executive coach, Shelly has coached hundreds of clients on resilience, leadership, stress management, and emotional intelligence. Shelly works in an integrated way, combining deep, intuitive insight into human behavior with sound scientific knowledge. Drawing on years of research into the neuroscience of connection and wellbeing, along with practical, contemplative exercises such as mindfulness and compassion meditation, Shelly helps clients develop their capacity for emotional regulation, resilience, wisdom, wellbeing, and connection. This approach enables transformational changes across a range of areas including managing anger, anxiety, and stress levels, enhancing self-confidence, self-acceptance, decision-making, and perspective, and building meaningful relationships. Shelly’s approach has a positive impact on the parenting style of her clients, something that led her to write a book, Heartfelt Parenting, published by Robinson in 2020. Shelly’s breathing exercises, based on her four-stage method of emotional regulation, are available on SoundCloud. See website.

See also 2nd conversation with Shelly Chauhan.

Published November 2020

We discuss how the past of Sing Sing prison gives us perspective on building a fairer society. Brent Glass is the Executive Director of the Sing Sing Prison Museum.

David Allen discusses how, to be effective, therapy has to address the implicit pressures that shaped our clients and continue to shape them.

we talk about how personal and social divisiveness manifests and its huge costs to our physical and mental well-being.

Political conversations tend to bring out activation and polarization. This is not a reason to avoid them. To avoid falling into the pitfalls of polarization, use a mindful approach that fosters curiosity. Instead of defending a position, make it your goal to know more about each other through the discussion. This talk describes a format that helps you make this a more satisfying experience:

* Explicitly commit to building safety and trust

* Put the issue into a personal context

* Ask a meaningful question

* Discuss lessons learned

See related article on Medium: How to depolarize political conversations.

This approach was inspired by the structured process developed by Kirk Schneider, President of the Existential Humanist Institute, author of “The Depolarization of America.”

Published September 2020. See also related article: Understanding social myth: Why it’s so hard to find common ground & how to do it. 

A myth is anything but a quaint story. It is an organizing principle that makes it possible for a society to coalesce and function as a society.

The other day, I saw a poster. It’s the iconic picture of Rambo with bulging muscles and a bazooka. But, instead of the head of Sylvester Stallone, it has the head of Donald Trump. The caption goes, “Trump. No Man. No Woman. No Commie Can Stump Him.”

My first reaction was to think of it as satire, making fun of Trump’s exaggerated opinion of himself. But, no, given the context, this was meant as a prideful statement by one of his followers.

Do his followers not know that he is obese and averse to exercise? Is it possible that they don’t know that he avoided the draft? How could they believe in something that is so far from the truth?

Pausing for inner experience

I pause a moment as I’m pondering these questions. I pay attention to my inner experience. I notice that what this brings up for me is some mixture of outrage and smugness. Outrage: how dare they represent something that is so far from the truth? Smugness: the sense that I am more in touch with reality than these people.

I know that, if I stay with my sense of outrage and smugness, all I do is reinforce my preconceptions. So I try, for a moment, to shift into a different perspective. I tap into a sense of curiosity about what this picture might mean to the people who proudly display it. Does one need to take it as literally true to be inspired by it?

Probably not. We, human beings, have the ability to use symbolic thinking. We use metaphors. Sometimes, the metaphors we choose are very carefully related to the topic. Occasionally, we voluntarily choose metaphors that present a stark contrast to highlight an aspect that is especially important to us. For instance, I remember how Tibetan Buddhist teacher Chogyam Trungpa liked to use the metaphor of warriors to reflect the quality of courage. Mindfulness practitioners are certainly not warriors in the typical sense of the term. They are not belligerent, far from that. The warrior metaphor serves to draw attention to their hero quality.

But what if the metaphor is so over the top that it loses any power? When Vladimir Putin displays pictures of himself bare-chested, it is consistent with his background as a sportsman, a judo practitioner. But what could the man who avoided the draft because of bone spurs possibly have to do with a Rambo-like figure?

Calvin & Hobbes

To better understand this, I find it helpful to think of one of my favorite comic strips, Calvin and Hobbes. Calvin is a little boy, and Hobbes is his tiger. Clearly, for Calvin’s parents and all the other characters in this strip, this is what Hobbes is: a stuffed animal, a toy. But, whenever Calvin interacts with him, Hobbes is represented as fully alive. A magnificent, powerful tiger. More than that, a tiger who is also able to speak and play with Calvin.

You could say that all of the stories take place in Calvin’s imagination. So what? Saying that misses out on what gives these stories their charm. They don’t just talk about the fantasy world of the kid. They draw us into it. To enjoy the story, you suspend disbelief that this is a stuffed animal. You see and experience Hobbes as a full-fledged character, not a toy but an animal. Actually, an animal who is also a person. But also a stuffed toy, because the story works on many levels. You have to follow it on all the levels as it unfolds.

The story that unfolds does not have an “as if” quality. It would be boring if it were possible to reduce it to what’s happening in Calvin’s imagination. What makes it captivating is that it is also happening in our imaginations. The power of good stories is that they draw us into the world of fantasy. What makes a story enjoyable is not how closely it hews to literal truth. It is how it captures something compelling that literal truth cannot capture as well. It is akin to how a simple drawing can capture a sense of a p...

 

See the audio recording below the text.

Today, I am going to describe to you a one-minute practice. Now, when I say one minute, it could be 50 seconds or five minutes. We’re not timing it.

You sit on a bench or a chair, with your feet touching the ground. If you are on a chair, your back is not touching the back of the chair.

Your hands are in front of you.  You touch the fingers to each other so that each finger touches the corresponding fingers on the other hand. You rest your arms on your lap with the fingers facing forward and the thumbs facing up. You close your eyes.

As you gently breathe, you feel the fingers touching each other with gentle pressure. As you feel this gentle pressure, you feel the elbows moving away from each other. You keep gently breathing as you do this.  You notice that, as you gently push the fingers together and move the elbows away from each other, your spine will probably tend to gently straighten up. To gently elongate.

And you may also notice that your shoulders might tend to open up and gently make more room in your chest. As you stay with this, you see the quality of allowing as opposed to forcing.

When it feels right, you stop.

What do you notice?

Often, the kinds of things you notice as you’re doing this, or afterward, are very subtle.

And that’s what a pause does. It’s a slowing down and getting into a different rhythm, which includes noticing things that we would not necessarily see when we’re not in a pause mode.

But we’re also talking about noticing. That quality, together with the allowing, is what makes the pause active. It’s not just an interruption. It’s an active pause.

You can do it once a day. You can do it many times throughout the day. I’m inviting you to play with it, with an attitude of curiosity. And notice what happens, moment by moment, and over time, as you experiment with this practice.

Inspired by Merete Holm Brantbjerg. See other one-minute mindfulness exercises.

Published August 2020.