Professional Contestants

Sometimes game shows are just easy to cheat at. Like, truly so easy that it would be more difficult to not do so. Like, I'm serious guys, there would be absolutely no chance that anyone invovled in the game show would be able to catch us, let alone prove that we had cheated. This one's an absolute gimmie. But dammit if we're not gonna basically ignore that fact entirely and come up with a convoluted way of getting Santa to pose as our dad instead.

Zach insists he knows intimite secrets about Santa, Jared lets us into his mind palace, and Adam has an encounter that leaves him a changed man.

Talking Points Include: An Endorsement From Young Sheldon, Bachelor Party Recap, Spike TV's Dark Desires, Defining a Band, Dissapointing Informed Delivery, Smokey The Slut, An Inception Break, Santa X FDR, Mr. The Penguin, Jared's Mind Bench

There are numerous ways we could approach a game show where we have to run around searching for illustrations of wacky characters. We could create a bunch of our own illustrations and sneak them into the lineup. We could mark the answers with invisible ink you can only see under a blacklight. Hell, we could just study with flashcards. But don't work, Zach is just gonna win this one for us. Haven't you heard? He's really good at finding things. Just trust him.

Zach is an older 29, Jared is the oldest 29 , and Adam is the youngest 29.

Talking Points Include: The Oldest Age There Is, Snowden vs Assange, The Anatomy of Slimer, The Coolest Names, A 31 Year Old 17 Year Old, S**t Mysteries, The Principals' Punishment, Our New OCs, Adult Scavenger Hunts

There are two things we've learned from the sales of modern art in recent years. The first is a piece of art is only as valuable as the amount a buyer is willing to pay for it. The second is if someone takes a bite out of the art it's value skyrockets. With that knowledge - we're about to make one lucky 8 year old an extremely sought after artist.

Zach thinks modern kids are just little adults, Jared has thoughts about The Emperor's New Clothes, and Adam searches for a game show that will make him feel.

Talking Points Include: Reba's Return to TV, PewDiePie the Kaiju, TaterTot vs Young Sheldon, Summer of Summers, Guernica Cake, Kids Know Broccoli, Naming Mythical Creatures, Benefits of Eating Gold, The President's New Clothes, Art Stunts

Maybe it's because we're busy and our minds are cluttered. Maybe it's because we haven't recorded in a while and we're out of practice. Maybe it's because this game really is just that basic and easy and doesn't deserve our full brand of shenanigans. Regardless, this one we're just gonna win. No real plan necessary. Now let's get back to pitching our brand new talk show to Game Show Network - sponsored by FanDuel, ChapStick, and Hot Tubs.

Zach uses chapstick in a unique way, Jared wants Optimus Prime to go solo, and Adam gets way too hung up on thumbs.

Talking Points Include: This Story Has a Story, Zach's New Audio-Ruining Prop, The Gold Bond Challenge, Wiping East to West, Timothy Goggins, Our GSN Talk Show Pitch, Holographic Performers, Ryan Hospital, Show Me Your Thumbs

On a modern game show it can be easy to become distracted by all the sleek prizes, the flashy gimmicks, and the sometimes charismatic hosts. This time we can't let those distractions deter us. Sure, we could maybe make it out of this one with a bunch of money and prizes to take home, but the real prize is hidden in plain sight - on a flash drive hanging around Damon Wayans Jr's neck. Thats right, Scary Movie 7. The world needs to see it.

Zach took a vacation for the first time ever, Jared thinks we've become jaded, and Adam has an amazing record as a matchmaker.

Talking Points Include: ProCo Vacation, Bergeron Boys, A Bone Saw Type Antagonist, Secrets of Nic Cage's Haunted House, Suits Clips, Bartering at Safelife, At Home Services, The Whole World's The Cage, Scary Movie 7

Blake Shelton is out here making a game show that is basically a commercial for his Nashville bar, where the booze is always flowing and the vibes are great. Well the Professional Contestants are gonna call you on that one, Blake. Be careful what you wish for because by the time we're done, your bar is gonna look like the aftermath of a Project X and your comically large medals will be nowhere to be seen.

Zach's favorite bar game is "Get double crossed by that scary guy in the cave," Jared's favorite bar game is "Fake your death and show up at your own funeral," and Adam's favorite bar game is "Carry Madame Zeroni up the mountain."

Talking Points Include: Road House '24, Ron DeSantis vs Public Libraries, Pointless Scoring System, Mark Cuban the BeatBox Guy, Slap The Bag 2.0, Slippery Stairs, Don't Piss Off Gwen, Most Likely to Drink On Set

Ok, we get it. Maybe we can't just climb into an aquarium and expect to automatically win a bunch of random chance games against some fish. But what if we make ourselves really tiny first? And what if one of us is scuba certified? And what if we get an octopus involved? It probably still wont work, yeah, WE KNOW. At least eating the other contestants isn't explicitly off the table this time.

Zach is tickled by the idea of a fish naming another fish, Jared reminds everyone that he is scuba certified, and Adam can't imagine Godzilla running.

Talking Points Include: All Hail The King, Godzilla Plus One, Getting Called Out Via Mail, A Televised Screen Saver, Mr. Limpet's Diplomatic Immunity, Dexterous Lips, Feeding Frenzy Friday, A Reverse Shawshank, Two Little Jareds

We love the Queer Eye guys. The things they do to change peoples' lives for the better is pretty great. But if you ask us, it's time for a change. This time, the strong man, the bearded lady, the lion tamer, the clowns, and the ring leader are coming to town. They're here to tell you that you have a gross body and shoot you out of a cannon. All things just keep getting better!

Zach is afraid of corn specifically, Jared would pay money to see Joe Biden get shot out of a cannon, and Adam is certified to operate heavy machinery.

Talking Points Include: Forklift Certification, Corn of the Corn, Fish Center, A Severe Lack of Fluff, Anti-Host, True False or Something Else, Fixing the Winter Warlock's Gross Body, The Yassification of William H Basset

Shaquille O'Neal is a man who thinks highly of himself. So much so that he created a television show dedicated to him challenging the world's best individuals in every field to competitions in their area of expertise. He rarely, if ever emerges victorious, but we still think he needs to be knocked down a peg or two. Watch out Shaq, The Professional Contestants are about to give you a taste of your own medicine.

Zach will beat Shaq in an acting competition, Jared will beat Shaq in a graduate school competetion, and Adam will beat Shaq in a DJing competition.

Talking Points Include: Inside Inside The NBA, St. Patricks Plans, Corned Beef Confusion, Tough Love, EDM Subgenres, The Crimes of Penn Jillette, An Educational Program, Channeling Shaq Energy, Roku Game Genie, A State Farm Identity Crisis

When it comes to music trivia, it's safe to say we know a thing or two, and we know more than just current pop music. For example, did you know that way back when the pop charts first started, the first song to top two charts simultaniously was the mega hit "Banging Hot Rocks?" It was number one on both Cave Man Hits and Top Iguana Tracks. The more you know, huh?

Zach has never seen a Minion, Jared knows more than one Chumbawamba song, and Adam knowingly burned a CD full of bad songs.

Talking Points Include: The Future of Young Sheldon, Gru Is The Dad, One Big Tom Sawyer, Rock Smash, Randy Jackson and The Doofuses, DJ Charles Xavier, Iguana, Beating Mario Twice, Chumbas Drink Free, Bangin Hot Rocks