Professional Contestants

Welcome back to another installment in our Snake With Big Teeth 2024 celebration. This time we watched a game show where literally nothing happens. Like, truly... nothing. So get ready for an episode that is half discussing the extended universe of Sonic the Hedgehog and half discussing Shakespeare's timeless classic Hamlet. Do we blur the lines between those two worlds? You'll have to listen to find out! (But I mean, yeah. Of course we do.)

Zach liked Ghost Whisperer for the plot, Jared adds a new Haunted House Rule™, and Adam is definitely Tails.

Talking Points Include: What Happened To Knuckles, Halloween Costumes, Fifteen Minutes of Silence, Top Ghost Complaints, Return of Jared's Haunted House Rules, All of Les Mis, A Chance to Shoot Our Spec Script, It Can't Be Happy's Place, Hamlet Live Commentary

The Traitors - It's a hit new reality game show. Not just that, at it's core it is a classic party game we have all played. Call it mafia, call it werewolf - everyone knows it and everyone thinks they're good at it. But what have people forgotten? That's right, the classic 1997 film Mouse Hunt. Against all odds that mouse comes out on top, and when everyone else forgets, we harvest top notch strategy to implement at Alan Cumming's stately Scottish castle.

Zach has new finger bling, Jared still really wants to celebrate the solstices, and Adam is angry about reality stars.

Talking Points Include: The Wedding Finger, Fighting Frollo, Snake With Big Teeth, How Many Saws are Left, The Oldest Party Game, Yearning for a Thick Werewolf, The Don't Ask Don't Tell Strategy, The Mouse Hunt Strategy, Dentist Cam

Sometimes game shows are just easy to cheat at. Like, truly so easy that it would be more difficult to not do so. Like, I'm serious guys, there would be absolutely no chance that anyone invovled in the game show would be able to catch us, let alone prove that we had cheated. This one's an absolute gimmie. But dammit if we're not gonna basically ignore that fact entirely and come up with a convoluted way of getting Santa to pose as our dad instead.

Zach insists he knows intimite secrets about Santa, Jared lets us into his mind palace, and Adam has an encounter that leaves him a changed man.

Talking Points Include: An Endorsement From Young Sheldon, Bachelor Party Recap, Spike TV's Dark Desires, Defining a Band, Dissapointing Informed Delivery, Smokey The Slut, An Inception Break, Santa X FDR, Mr. The Penguin, Jared's Mind Bench

There are numerous ways we could approach a game show where we have to run around searching for illustrations of wacky characters. We could create a bunch of our own illustrations and sneak them into the lineup. We could mark the answers with invisible ink you can only see under a blacklight. Hell, we could just study with flashcards. But don't work, Zach is just gonna win this one for us. Haven't you heard? He's really good at finding things. Just trust him.

Zach is an older 29, Jared is the oldest 29 , and Adam is the youngest 29.

Talking Points Include: The Oldest Age There Is, Snowden vs Assange, The Anatomy of Slimer, The Coolest Names, A 31 Year Old 17 Year Old, S**t Mysteries, The Principals' Punishment, Our New OCs, Adult Scavenger Hunts

There are two things we've learned from the sales of modern art in recent years. The first is a piece of art is only as valuable as the amount a buyer is willing to pay for it. The second is if someone takes a bite out of the art it's value skyrockets. With that knowledge - we're about to make one lucky 8 year old an extremely sought after artist.

Zach thinks modern kids are just little adults, Jared has thoughts about The Emperor's New Clothes, and Adam searches for a game show that will make him feel.

Talking Points Include: Reba's Return to TV, PewDiePie the Kaiju, TaterTot vs Young Sheldon, Summer of Summers, Guernica Cake, Kids Know Broccoli, Naming Mythical Creatures, Benefits of Eating Gold, The President's New Clothes, Art Stunts

Maybe it's because we're busy and our minds are cluttered. Maybe it's because we haven't recorded in a while and we're out of practice. Maybe it's because this game really is just that basic and easy and doesn't deserve our full brand of shenanigans. Regardless, this one we're just gonna win. No real plan necessary. Now let's get back to pitching our brand new talk show to Game Show Network - sponsored by FanDuel, ChapStick, and Hot Tubs.

Zach uses chapstick in a unique way, Jared wants Optimus Prime to go solo, and Adam gets way too hung up on thumbs.

Talking Points Include: This Story Has a Story, Zach's New Audio-Ruining Prop, The Gold Bond Challenge, Wiping East to West, Timothy Goggins, Our GSN Talk Show Pitch, Holographic Performers, Ryan Hospital, Show Me Your Thumbs

On a modern game show it can be easy to become distracted by all the sleek prizes, the flashy gimmicks, and the sometimes charismatic hosts. This time we can't let those distractions deter us. Sure, we could maybe make it out of this one with a bunch of money and prizes to take home, but the real prize is hidden in plain sight - on a flash drive hanging around Damon Wayans Jr's neck. Thats right, Scary Movie 7. The world needs to see it.

Zach took a vacation for the first time ever, Jared thinks we've become jaded, and Adam has an amazing record as a matchmaker.

Talking Points Include: ProCo Vacation, Bergeron Boys, A Bone Saw Type Antagonist, Secrets of Nic Cage's Haunted House, Suits Clips, Bartering at Safelife, At Home Services, The Whole World's The Cage, Scary Movie 7

Blake Shelton is out here making a game show that is basically a commercial for his Nashville bar, where the booze is always flowing and the vibes are great. Well the Professional Contestants are gonna call you on that one, Blake. Be careful what you wish for because by the time we're done, your bar is gonna look like the aftermath of a Project X and your comically large medals will be nowhere to be seen.

Zach's favorite bar game is "Get double crossed by that scary guy in the cave," Jared's favorite bar game is "Fake your death and show up at your own funeral," and Adam's favorite bar game is "Carry Madame Zeroni up the mountain."

Talking Points Include: Road House '24, Ron DeSantis vs Public Libraries, Pointless Scoring System, Mark Cuban the BeatBox Guy, Slap The Bag 2.0, Slippery Stairs, Don't Piss Off Gwen, Most Likely to Drink On Set

Ok, we get it. Maybe we can't just climb into an aquarium and expect to automatically win a bunch of random chance games against some fish. But what if we make ourselves really tiny first? And what if one of us is scuba certified? And what if we get an octopus involved? It probably still wont work, yeah, WE KNOW. At least eating the other contestants isn't explicitly off the table this time.

Zach is tickled by the idea of a fish naming another fish, Jared reminds everyone that he is scuba certified, and Adam can't imagine Godzilla running.

Talking Points Include: All Hail The King, Godzilla Plus One, Getting Called Out Via Mail, A Televised Screen Saver, Mr. Limpet's Diplomatic Immunity, Dexterous Lips, Feeding Frenzy Friday, A Reverse Shawshank, Two Little Jareds

We love the Queer Eye guys. The things they do to change peoples' lives for the better is pretty great. But if you ask us, it's time for a change. This time, the strong man, the bearded lady, the lion tamer, the clowns, and the ring leader are coming to town. They're here to tell you that you have a gross body and shoot you out of a cannon. All things just keep getting better!

Zach is afraid of corn specifically, Jared would pay money to see Joe Biden get shot out of a cannon, and Adam is certified to operate heavy machinery.

Talking Points Include: Forklift Certification, Corn of the Corn, Fish Center, A Severe Lack of Fluff, Anti-Host, True False or Something Else, Fixing the Winter Warlock's Gross Body, The Yassification of William H Basset