Queering the Field

Queerly in Love — Episode 10

Penis atrophy, polyamory, and BDSM as a path toward healing? Oh my!

This week on *Queerly in Love*, Erin and Nalani tackle three very different questions about relationships, bodies, kink, and communication. They discuss what makes someone a “partner,” what happens to penis function when testosterone levels change, and how BDSM can intersect with trauma recovery.

💕 When Is a Partner a Partner?

What exactly does the word *partner* mean—and who gets to use it?

Erin and Nalani discuss the many ways people define partnership, from romantic and sexual relationships to deep platonic connections. They explore why the word “partner” became particularly important in queer communities, whether it still feels useful, and how polyamory can expand our ideas about the people who matter most in our lives.

They also get into the idea of platonic partnerships and how having multiple significant relationships isn't necessarily something exclusive to polyamory. After all, families, friendships, and communities have always required us to navigate multiple relationships and competing needs.

🍆 Penis Atrophy: What the Hell Is It?

A trans listener who recently started hormones has heard about penis atrophy and wants to know: Is it real? Can it be prevented?

Erin and Nalani break down what can happen to erectile function and penile tissue when testosterone levels decrease, including changes in erections, size, and function. They discuss the role of regular erections in maintaining tissue and talk about some approaches people may use to maintain erectile function.

Erin also shares a very personal—and extremely uncomfortable—experience involving blood in her ejaculate and a frustrating lack of answers from her doctor. The conversation highlights how much we still have to learn about trans healthcare and why sharing these experiences can help bring attention to gaps in medical research.

Link to the substack article mentioned: How To Maintain Your Penis' Function On Feminizing HRT

Note: This conversation includes medical information and personal anecdotes. It isn't a substitute for medical advice; talk to a qualified healthcare professional about your own body, hormones, and treatment options.

🖤 BDSM, Trauma, and Learning to Play Safely

Our final question comes from someone whose boyfriend wants to explore a dominant role but is afraid of accidentally triggering their partner's past trauma.

Erin and Nalani discuss the importance of communication, trust, education, and taking things slowly when exploring BDSM—especially when trauma is part of the picture.

They make an important distinction: **BDSM isn't therapy**, but it can potentially be a meaningful complement to therapeutic work for some people. They discuss the idea of “embodied healing,” the importance of working with qualified mental-health professionals, and why newer kinksters shouldn't feel pressured to jump straight into advanced play.

Their advice? Learn together, find your community, take classes, communicate constantly, and **be gentle**.

In This Episode

* What does “partner” actually mean?

* Can a relationship be a partnership without being romantic or sexual?

* Why queer people have historically embraced the word “partner”

* Platonic relationships and polyamory

* What penis atrophy is and why it can happen

* The role of testosterone and erections in maintaining penile tissue

* Options for maintaining erectile function

* Erin's unexpected urology horror story

* The gaps in medical research surrounding trans bodies

* Can BDSM help someone work through trauma?

* Why BDSM isn't a replacement for therapy

* The importance of communication, education, and trust in kink

* Learning to be a Dom and Sub without rushing into advanced play

Got a Question for Erin & Nalani?

Have a question about love, sex, relationships, polyamory, kink, or queer life? Leave a voicemail or send a text at **304-315-6369**. You can also leave a question or comment wherever you're watching or listening.

And don't forget to **like, comment, and subscribe** to help *Queerly in Love* reach more of the community.

When being queer is restricted, silenced, and banned, loving your queerness—or loving someone else's queerness—is an act of resistance.

This week on Queerly in Love, Erin Mohr and Nalani Santiago tackle questions about making kink work in ordinary homes, gender-affirming masturbation, and managing sensory overload at your first orgy. Along the way, they discuss safety, consent, aftercare, dungeon etiquette, and why dungeon monitors might be better understood as dungeon facilitators.

Don't have access to a local dungeon? Erin and Nalani share ideas for transforming ordinary household furniture into versatile kink equipment without needing a dedicated playroom. They discuss modular setups, hidden equipment, sturdy furniture, lighting, and the importance of putting safety before aesthetics.

They also share some hilarious stories about disguising sex furniture as completely innocent household objects.

A listener asks how to masturbate in ways that feel more aligned with her gender identity. Erin recommends vibrators, while Nalani emphasizes something even more important: don't assume how a trans person feels about or wants to refer to their body.

They discuss asking partners what language they prefer for their bodies—and how changing the way you think about and describe your own body can sometimes make solo sex feel more affirming.

A listener heading to their first orgy is worried about becoming overstimulated and wonders whether bringing a Nintendo Switch and headphones would be rude.

The answer? Ask.

Erin and Nalani discuss communicating your needs with organizers and other attendees, finding chill-out and aftercare spaces, and why bringing something that helps you regulate your sensory experience isn't inherently disrespectful.

They also launch into a larger conversation about what makes a good dungeon environment—including why social spaces and aftercare spaces shouldn't necessarily be the same thing.

The conversation takes a turn toward dungeon etiquette and the role of staff. Erin and Nalani question the idea of "dungeon monitors" who act like they're in charge of everyone else's play.

Instead, they propose thinking of the role as dungeon facilitators: people whose job is to promote safety, support the community, and facilitate consensual play—not act like Dungeon Masters with power over everyone else's scenes.

• Creating a kink-friendly space at home
• DIY and modular BDSM setups
• Kink safety and injury prevention
• Talking openly with medical professionals about injuries
• Gender-affirming masturbation
• Body language and terminology
• Vibrators and other sex toys
• Attending your first orgy
• Sensory overload and neurodivergence
• Chill-out and aftercare spaces
• Consent and communicating your needs
• Dungeon etiquette
• The role of dungeon staff
• Why "dungeon facilitator" might be a better term than "dungeon monitor"
• The Nintendo Switch as the unofficial console of queer kink

Whether you're building a dungeon out of your living room, figuring out how to make solo sex feel more gender-affirming, or preparing for your first group-sex experience, communication, consent, and knowing your own needs are more important than following someone else's idea of what kink is supposed to look like.

And, apparently, a Nintendo Switch is perfectly acceptable at an orgy. Just bring headphones.

Have a question about sex, love, dating, relationships, kink, or queer life? Erin and Nalani want to hear from you. The show invites listeners to leave a voicemail or send a text with their questions at 304-315-6369.

Queerly in Love is a fun, frank, and delightfully frisky podcast about queer love, intimacy, sex, and relationships. The hosts invite listeners to approach these conversations with curiosity and an open mind.

The episode closes with a reminder that when queerness is restricted, silenced, or banned, loving your queerness—and loving someone else's—is an act of resistance.

This week on Queerly in Love, Erin and Nālani tackle jealousy, kink, virginity, forever fantasies, friendship, and the complicated experience of giving honest feedback to someone who’s recently transitioned.

First up: Plutonic Panic is struggling with an intense need to know what their partner talks about with an ex—even though they trust their partner and know the relationship is platonic. Erin and Nalani unpack the difference between curiosity, jealousy, insecurity, FOMO, and the discomfort of uncertainty.

Then, Boundly Bewildered wants advice on exploring kink as a needy virgin without overthinking limits, communication, and comfort—and wonders whether they should give up their fantasy of finding someone who will be their first and only forever. Erin and Nālani talk about taking things slowly, finding people who respect boundaries and communicate well, learning through exploration, and staying open to discovering new desires along the way.

Finally, Ally Oops! wants to know how to tell a friend that their behavior has become hurtful since transitioning without sounding transphobic. The conversation reframes the question: How do you separate concerns about someone's behavior from their gender identity? Erin and Nālani discuss focusing on specific behaviors, sharing concrete examples from their lives, and approaching difficult feedback with curiosity, compassion, and empathy.

• 💚 Jealousy vs. curiosity: What is really driving that need to know?
• 🧠 Emotions are data: Using uncomfortable feelings to identify unmet needs.
• 🔮 The fear of missing out: Why FOMO can show up in polyamorous relationships.
• 🔗 New to kink? Take your time: Why trust and communication matter more than finding the “perfect” partner.
• 🖤 You don't need to know all your limits yet: Exploring kink can be part of discovering what you actually like.
• 💍 The fantasy of “forever”: Why putting less pressure on a relationship can sometimes make it stronger.
• 🏳️‍⚧️ Giving feedback after a transition: How to address hurtful behavior without making someone's gender identity the issue.
• 💬 Behavior vs. identity: Specific examples and honest communication are key to difficult conversations.

“How can I understand and manage the uncomfortable feelings I have about my partner's conversations with an ex in a polyamorous relationship?”

“What are some good tips for exploring kink as a needy virgin? How do you navigate limits, communication, and comfort without overthinking?”

“How do I tell my friend that their behavior has become hurtful without sounding transphobic?”

Your feelings aren't necessarily telling you what your partner is doing wrong. Sometimes they're telling you something about your own needs, insecurities, or relationship with uncertainty.

You don't have to apologize for being new to kink—or for being a virgin. Start at your own pace, prioritize communication and boundaries, and give yourself room to discover what you like.

If you have a problem with someone's behavior, talk about the behavior. Don't make their gender identity the explanation for it. Be specific about what happened and how it affected you.

Have a question about love, sex, dating, relationships, polyamory, kink, or anything else that didn't exactly make it into your high school health class?

Leave us a voicemail or send us a text at 304-315-6365. You can also leave a comment, your question might make it onto a future episode.

And remember: when being queer is restricted, silenced, or banned, loving your queerness or loving someone else's queerness is an act of resistance.

Is BDSM all about sex? Would it be weird or intrusive of me to go to a BDSM dungeon looking to be tied up in a non-sexual way, just to see how it felt?

BDSM is not all about sex, and what you’re describing is neither inherently weird nor inherently intrusive. Many people engage in BDSM for reasons that have little or nothing to do with sexual arousal.

• Trust and vulnerability
• Physical sensations (such as restraint, pressure, or impact)
• Emotional connection
• Mindfulness or altered mental states (sometimes called “subspace”)
• Artistic or aesthetic experiences
• Power exchange and role dynamics

Some scenes are explicitly sexual, while others are completely non-sexual. Overall, if your interest is simply, “I’d like to know what it feels like to be tied up,” that’s a valid reason to explore BDSM spaces, provided you approach the community respectfully, communicate your intentions clearly, and prioritize informed consent and safety.

Why am I experiencing much stronger sub drop with this new owner, and what can I do about it?

What you’re describing sounds like a particularly intense form of sub drop, and it’s worth taking seriously. Sub drop can happen after scenes because your mind and body are coming down from a period of heightened emotional and physiological arousal. Feeling sad, empty, ashamed, or emotionally raw afterward doesn’t necessarily mean anything is “wrong” with you or the dynamic.

Did anyone else initially feel repulsed by the genitals they later realized they wanted, before recognizing they were trans and experiencing genital dysphoria?

Unrecognized gender dysphoria can initially present as disgust toward the genitals one later wishes they had. A number of feelings you had about yourself, your body or being transgender can change when going through your transition and that is OK!

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Coming to you from West Hollywood California, Queerly in Love is a podcast where a queer, married couple answer your questions about love, sex, queerness, kink, polyamory and why choosing to find joy at this moment in time is more than just a good time, it's life saving.

Nālani Santiago (they/them) has been an enthusiast of, advocate for, and an educator of healthy, fulfilling, and shame-free sex and sexual expression since 1995.

Erin Mohr (she/her) is a comedian (HBO, Adult Swim), content creator and a sexy sex enthusiast.

Erin and Nālani have been together since 2019 and married since 2023.

Erin Mohr and Nālani Santiago help a listener decide their polyamory style and answer the question "Am I Trans?"

Why do people choose ENM? It’s different for everyone because each relationship is unique to their experiences and desires but there are some key motivations:

• Emotional & sexual variety
• Build a larger support network
• Personal growth & self-discovery
• Challenging Jealousy
• Strengthening communication skills
• Meeting diverse needs

Find definitions and more at: FEELD (A Guide to the Different Poly Dynamics) and Select Psychology (9 Types of Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) Explained | 2026 Guide).

Understanding and navigating all these different poly-dynamics: communication, boundaries, and respect for everyone involved are key to making ENM work for you and your partners.

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You’re transgender (or trans) if your gender identity is different from the sex the doctor assigned you at birth. For example, you may be transgender if you were assigned male at birth and know you’re a woman. You also could be transgender if you were assigned male or female at birth and know that your gender identity isn’t man or woman.

I found that this book from Dara Hoffman-Fox LPC was an invaluable resource to helping me on my gender journey: You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery

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Nalani Santiago (they/them) has been an enthusiast of, advocate for, and an educator of healthy, fulfilling, and shame-free sex and sexual expression since 1995.

Erin Mohr (she/her) is a comedian (HBO, Adult Swim), content creator and a sexy sex enthusiast.

This week we've got a queer confused community and examine a sex work obsession.

Coming to you from West Hollywood California, welcome to Queerly in Love, a show where we answer your questions about love, sex, queerness, kink, polyamory/non-monogamy, and why choosing to find joy at this moment in time is more than just a good time, it's life saving.

Think of this podcast as Loveline, but with a twist. That twist, of course, is that none of the hosts are complete jerks.

Don’t forget if you have questions you can call and leave a voicemail at 304-315-6369. We’d love to hear your sexy voices or you can text us if you’re more textually inclined.

Also, please like, comment, and subscribe. This will help our podcast reach more of the community.

Remember, when being queer is restricted, silenced and banned, then loving your queerness and loving another persons queerness is an act of resistance.

This week we're talking about mommy vs daddy doms, the ethics of ethical non-monogomy and we answer the age old question "why date men?"

Coming to you from West Hollywood California, welcome to Queerly in Love, a show where we answer your questions about love, sex, queerness, kink, polyamory/non-monogamy, and why choosing to find joy at this moment in time is more than just a good time, it's life saving.

Think of this podcast as Loveline, but with a twist. That twist, of course, is that neither one of the hosts aren't complete a-holes. If you have a question you'd like us to answer you can call or text us at 323-645-9369.

Nalani (they/them) has been an enthusiast of, advocate for, and an educator of healthy, fulfilling, and shame-free sex and sexual expression since 1995.

Erin (she/her) is a comedian, content creator and a sexy sex enthusiasts.

This week we're theorizing throuples, dissecting bi boys and analyzing analingus. First up, the trouble with throuples.Coming to you from West Hollywood California, welcome to Queerly in Love, a show where we answer your questions about love, sex, queerness, kink, polyamory/non-monogamy, and why choosing to find joy at this moment in time is more than just a good time, it's life saving.Think of this podcast as Loveline, but with a twist. That twist, of course, is that neither one of the hosts aren't complete a-holes. If you have a question you'd like us to answer you can call or text us at 323-645-9369. You can also post your question in the comments below. Nalani (they/them) has been an enthusiast of, advocate for, and an educator of healthy, fulfilling, and shame-free sex and sexual expression since 1995. Erin (she/her) is a comedian, content creator and a sexy sex enthusiast.

This week we're chatting trans chasers and a poly pandering partner. But our first question is about domination from a distance.

Coming to you from West Hollywood California, welcome to Queerly in Love, a show where we answer your questions about love, sex, queerness, kink, polyamory/non-monogamy, and why choosing to find joy at this moment in time is more than just a good time, it's life saving.

Think of this podcast as Loveline, but with a twist. That twist, of course, is that none of the hosts are complete a-holes. If you have a question you'd like us to answer you can call or text us at 323-645-9369. You can also post your question in the comments below. Nalani (they/them) has been an enthusiast of, advocate for, and an educator of healthy, fulfilling, and shame-free sex and sexual expression since 1995. Erin (she/her) is a comedian, content creator and a sexy sex enthusiast.

This week we're discussing the dynamics of bratty behavior, crying during sex and comparing partners in poly relationships.

Coming to you from West Hollywood California, welcome to Queerly in Love, a show where we answer your questions about love, sex, queerness, kink, polyamory/non-monogamy, and why choosing to find joy at this moment in time is more than just a good time, it's life saving.Think of this podcast as Loveline, but with a twist. That twist, of course, is that both of the hosts are capable of making a woman cum. If you have a question you'd like us to answer you can call or text us at 323-645-9369. You can also post your question in the comments below. Nalani Santiago (they/them) has been an enthusiast of, advocate for, and an educator of healthy, fulfilling, and shame-free sex and sexual expression since 1995. Erin Mohr (she/her) is a comedian seen on Adult Swim and HBO, a content creator and a sexy sex enthusiast.