Queerly in Love

What happens when dating apps are full of mysterious Doms, your partner finds love while you're stuck in a dating drought, and a supposedly safe queer space turns out to be anything but? Erin and Nalani are back with candid conversations, cheeky commentary, and a little tough love for navigating the wonderfully complicated world of queer relationships.

🔥 In this episode:

• Soft Dom, Pleasure Dom, or Dom Confusion? What do all these labels actually mean? Erin and Nalani unpack the differences between soft Doms, pleasure Doms, service Doms, and sadists. They discuss how much these roles overlap, why dating profiles can be misleading, and why the best way to figure out what someone means is to ask. Bonus: a healthy dose of skepticism about people who claim to be super kinky… until you tell them what you’re into.
• All Work, No Girlfriend: One half of a newly polyamorous couple has found a steady partner, while the other is struggling to get a single date. Sound familiar? Erin and Nalani dig into jealousy, frustration, dating-app strategies, and the emotional labor of polyamory. They explore how to be happy for your partner while acknowledging your own disappointment, communicate difficult feelings without making them your partner’s problem, and put yourself out there without resorting to the dreaded “Hey” message.
• Drag Show Drama & the Myth of the Safe Space: A listener dismisses their trans friend’s discomfort at a gay bar, only to discover that the bartender allegedly misgendered her. Erin and Nalani discuss why believing your friends matters, how to show up as a genuine ally, and when it’s time to speak up—or walk out. They also tackle transphobia and biphobia within LGBTQ+ communities, the difference between drag and being transgender, and why there’s room under the rainbow for everyone.

💜 The takeaway: Whether you're navigating kink, wrestling with jealousy, or figuring out how to be a better ally, curiosity, communication, and a willingness to challenge your assumptions go a long way. Queer community is stronger when we support one another instead of fighting over who gets to belong.

📞 Have a question for Erin and Nalani? Call or text 304-315-6369. They'd love to hear your sexy voices!

If you enjoy the show, please like, comment, and subscribe. Every bit of support helps Queerly in Love reach more people who need these conversations.

Because when being queer is outlawed, restricted, and banned, loving your queerness and someone else's is an act of resistance.

This week on Queering the Field, Erin and Nālani are serving up BDSM aftercare, gender euphoria, and a little polyamorous relationship drama—with a side of hot wife terminology!

🔥 Caring for the Dom: Aftercare isn't just for submissives! Erin and Nālani discuss top drop, why Dominants can experience an emotional crash after an intense scene, and how subs can help their Doms come back down to earth. From deep pressure and hydration to words of affirmation and a well-timed hand massage, it's time to give the people wielding the floggers a little love, too.

💄 A Field Trip for Trans Joy: What do you do when your trans friend comes out as a woman and you want to celebrate? Erin and Nālani brainstorm a day of gender euphoria, including thrift-store shopping, building a new wardrobe, makeup makeovers, and affirming spa experiences. They also talk about finding your personal style, resisting the temptation to buy every frilly thing in sight, and why feeling comfortable in your own skin can be transformative.

🔥 Hot Wife, Hot Mess: A solo-poly listener is concerned about a partner whose relationship rules seem decidedly unequal: her anchor partner can date independently, but she can only date other men if he gets to watch. Is this a consensual hot-wife dynamic, a red flag, or somebody's relationship business best left alone? Erin and Nālani unpack hot-wifing, cuckolding, swinging, and the lesser-known kink of candaulism before exploring how to express concerns about a partner's relationship without trying to become the polyamorous relationship police.

Plus: Why reassurance matters after intense BDSM scenes, how to support a newly out trans friend without taking over her journey, and how to speak up when something feels wrong—without appointing yourself the hero of somebody else's love story.

💜 Have a question for Erin and Nālani? Call or text 304-315-6369 and let them hear your sexy voice!

Remember: When being queer is outlawed, restricted, and banned, loving your queerness, and loving someone else's queerness, is an act of resistance.

This week on Queerly in Love, Erin and Nālani tackle three questions involving kinky first dates, queer identity, and the complicated logistics of being part of a polycule. In other words: kinky caution, queer confusion, and polycule complications.

🔥 Meeting Your Dom for the First Time

Our first caller is nervous about meeting their Dom in person for the first time—even though he says there won't be anything kinky happening. Erin and Nālani talk about trusting your gut, meeting in public, scouting your escape routes, arranging a safety call, staying out of someone else's car, and asking about experience, references, safewords, and aftercare. Because if you mention safewords and aftercare and your potential Dom looks like a deer in headlights… run.

🏳️‍🌈 When the Baby Queer Meets the Closet Case

A gay man has become close friends with a newly out trans woman and has started helping her find her way around the queer community. Now he's wondering whether it's okay to open up to her about his own questions surrounding gender identity. Erin and Nālani discuss how friends can support one another without turning one person into the designated Trans Encyclopedia, why it's important to ask permission before diving into sensitive topics, and why newly transitioned people shouldn't be expected to have all the answers.

💜 Triad Triage: When Family Comes First

Our final question involves an MFF closed triad facing a difficult family situation. One partner's seriously ill aunt has never accepted her relationships with women, leaving the triad wondering whether everyone should travel together—or whether the newer partner should stay behind. Erin and Nālani discuss disappointment, FOMO, boundaries, and the very important reminder that sometimes it's not about you. Especially when you're visiting someone else's sick relative. Maybe don't make the deathbed the coming-out party for your polycule.

Plus, we get into emergency escape routes, queer mentors, the questionable logic of bathroom windows in movies, and the important distinction between being disappointed and actually getting what you want.

Remember: when being queer is silenced, restricted, and banned, loving your queerness—and loving someone else's queerness—is an act of resistance. ❤️🏳️‍🌈

📞 Have a question for Erin & Nālani?

Leave us a voicemail at 304-315-6369. We want to hear your sexy voices! Texts are also accepted, although apparently they are considerably less sexy.

This week on Queerly in Love, Erin and Nālani dive into kink compromises, hormonal hijinks, and polyamorous plot twists. In other words: just another perfectly normal day in queer relationships. 😈

First, they tackle a listener whose partner wants a vanilla relationship while they still have a serious hankering for kink. Can you keep the love while finding a way to keep the kinky? And if your partner doesn't want to participate, is there a way to get your needs met without opening the relationship?

Then, a 24-year-old trans man wonders whether starting testosterone might change his kinky tastes. Erin and Nālani talk about hormones, changing desires, staying curious, and the surprisingly wild ways our bodies can keep us guessing.

Finally, things get very Greek tragedy when a former poly quad falls apart—but two members keep seeing each other behind the scenes. Is it okay to continue a relationship after the rest of the quad has ended? And can you build something new out of a relationship that started inside a relationship structure that no longer exists?

Spoiler: ethical non-monogamy still requires the “ethical” part. 😏

1. Vanilla With a Side of Kink? 🍦⛓️

Can you stay deeply in love when your partner wants vanilla and you still want things a little… spicier?

2. Testosterone & Tasty Kinks 💉😈

Can starting testosterone change what gets you hot and bothered?

3. Quad Goals or Quadruple Trouble? 🔥🔥🔥🔥

When a poly quad implodes, can two former members keep seeing each other—or is somebody about to get burned?

• When partners have different sexual and kink needs
• Why it's okay to be disappointed when your relationship changes
• Finding compromises without pressuring a partner into kink
• Separating sex from kink
• Exploring platonic kink and other ways to scratch the itch
• Fantasy, erotica, solo play, and other kinky alternatives
• When professional kink might be an option
• Why love doesn't always make people sexually compatible
• How hormones and transition can affect desires and interests
• Staying curious when your body and sexuality change
• The glorious unpredictability of testosterone
• What happens when a poly quad goes spectacularly sideways
• Consent, boundaries, and respecting a partner's decision to leave
• Why sneaking around can slam the door on future reconciliation
• And several attempts to remember the actual saying about letting someone go and hoping they come back. 🐟🐦❄️

Whether you're vanilla, kinky, monogamous, polyamorous, transitioning, or some delightful combination of all of the above, communication still beats sneaking around.

And if your relationship changes? You don't necessarily have to stop loving each other. Sometimes recognizing that you can't meet each other's needs—and giving each other the freedom to find what you need—is its own kind of love.

📞 Got a question for Erin & Nālani?

Leave us a voicemail at 304-315-6369. We want to hear your sexy voices!

You can text us, too. But as we've established, texts are apparently less sexy. 😂

Please like, comment, subscribe, and share Queerly in Love with your friends. Help us reach more people who are navigating love, sex, kink, relationships, and all the wonderfully messy stuff in between.

❤️ When being queer is silenced, restricted, and banned, loving your queerness—and loving someone else's—is an act of resistance.

This week on Queerly in Love, Erin and Nālani tackle tops, tucks, and troublesome twosomes. We’ve got a kinky bottom wondering if he should become a Dom just to get dates, a trans woman looking for the secret to squeezing her bits into a micro-thong, and a 20-year marriage facing a very serious polyamory ultimatum. 😳

In other words: things get kinky, cheeky, and emotionally nuclear.

Our first caller is a kinky bottom trans man who’s into women—but keeps running into a frustrating problem: the women he’s attracted to seem to be bottoms, while the tops he encounters don’t seem interested in him.

He’s tried Domming before and found it exhausting, so he wonders: Should he try topping again just to get a date?

Erin and Nālani unpack the difference between being a Dom and “managing” someone, why BDSM is supposed to be an exchange rather than a one-way job, and why forcing yourself into a role you don't enjoy probably isn't the best dating strategy. They also discuss experience, aftercare, the value of respecting the work tops put into a scene—and when it might make sense to call in a professional. 😉

Micro Management wants to know what the rest of us are wondering: How the hell do you tuck comfortably into a thong, G-string, or micro bikini when there’s approximately three square inches of fabric to work with?

Erin breaks out a visual aid and demonstrates her personal thong strategy, while Nālani offers some practical advice of her own.

Because sometimes gender euphoria is just finding underwear that stays where the hell it's supposed to stay. 😂

After 20 years together, a mostly-monogamous couple is facing a major relationship crossroads. One spouse has realized they're polyamorous and wants to open the marriage. The other isn't interested in polyamory—but is considering agreeing out of fear of losing their spouse.

And then there’s the little problem of wanting to use future partners out of spite.

Erin and Nālani bring some serious tough love to this one, discussing why opening a relationship isn't a good strategy for saving a struggling marriage, why weaponizing other people would hurt everyone involved, and what it might look like to approach the situation with radical honesty, radical listening, and radical love.

Sometimes saving a relationship means changing the relationship. And sometimes it means accepting that the romantic relationship may not be able to continue—but that doesn't necessarily mean the people involved have to disappear from each other's lives.

• Why being a Dom isn't the same as being a manager
• When topping feels like work instead of play
• BDSM, aftercare, and power exchange
• Finding professional help when you can't find the right play partner
• The eternal struggle of tucking into tiny underwear
• Erin's questionable-but-effective thong technique 🍑
• Whether you should open a relationship to save a marriage
• Why revenge dating is a terrible idea
• Radical honesty, radical listening, and radical love
• What happens when two people want fundamentally different relationships

Have a question about love, sex, dating, kink, polyamory, gender, or relationships?

Leave us a voicemail at 304-315-6369. You can also text us—but, as Erin points out, texts are considerably less sexy than your voice. 😏

And please like, follow, subscribe, and share the podcast with your friends, your lovers, your friends' lovers, or your lovers' friends.

Because when being queer is outlawed, silenced, and banned, loving your queerness—and loving someone else's queerness—is an act of resistance. 🏳️‍🌈❤️

This week on Queerly in Love, Erin and Nālani tackle three very different questions about sex, relationships, and navigating the wonderfully complicated world of queer love.

✈️ Kink at the Airport

A long-distance couple is reunited—but someone wants to bring the BDSM toy bag along for the trip. Can you fly with floggers, paddles, canes, and other kinky gear without attracting the attention of airport security? Nālani shares a memorable Folsom Street Fair travel story, and the two discuss when it might make sense to check your gear, ship it ahead, or simply be prepared to explain yourself.

💖 Praise & Panic

A trans man is head-over-heels for his smoking-hot trans girlfriend—but she gets uncomfortable when he compliments her. Why can praise be difficult to receive, especially during transition? Erin and Nālani talk about dysphoria, self-image, affirmation, and the difference between supporting someone and accidentally overwhelming them with praise.

🌈 Does Polyamory Give Women More Power?

A man at a poly mixer argues that women have more dating options and therefore more power in poly relationships. Erin and Nālani unpack the difference between equal permission and equal opportunity, why having more potential matches doesn't necessarily mean having more good options, and how expectations about dating can shape someone's experience of non-monogamy.

• Traveling with BDSM gear
• Airport security and kinky luggage
• When to check, ship, or carry your toys
• Why compliments can sometimes feel uncomfortable
• Gender affirmation and self-acceptance
• Dysphoria and receiving praise
• Equal autonomy vs. equal dating opportunities
• Dating apps and the realities of polyamory
• Why quantity of options doesn't always equal quality

💬 Have a question for Erin & Nālani?

Call and leave a voicemail at 304-315-6369—they want to hear your sexy voice!

And remember: when being queer is silenced, restricted, and banned, loving your queerness and loving someone else's queerness is an act of resistance.

This week on Queerly in Love, Erin and Nālani tackle three questions that prove once again that relationships are complicated, polyamory requires honesty, and a collar is not a Band-Aid for a fucked-up relationship.

First up, we meet a long-term fiancé who wants to rebrand his relationship as “family” or “best friends” to make himself more dateable. Erin and Nālani have some thoughts about that strategy—and the word “lie” comes up more than once. 👀

Next, they discuss how to support a transgender classmate who may be facing bullying and harassment without accidentally outing him. Sometimes the best ally is simply the person willing to tell the assholes to shut the fuck up. 🏳️‍⚧️❤️

And finally, things get kinky. A listener's Dom wants to talk about collaring, but the relationship already has some problems. Is the collar a meaningful deepening of commitment—or an attempt to slap a sexy accessory on problems that need actual communication? Spoiler: jewelry is not therapy. ⛓️😏

1. Polyamory or Poly-Awkward? 😬

Can you find a new partner by pretending your existing relationship is just a family friendship?

2. Ally or Accidental Outing? 🏳️‍⚧️

How do you protect a trans classmate without outing him or making things worse?

3. Collar Me Maybe? ⛓️

What does collaring actually mean—and can it fix a relationship that's already having problems?

• Why honesty is kind of important in polyamory
• The perils of trying to date monogamous people while already partnered
• When “family” means family…and when it means “please don't ask too many questions”
• How to be a good ally without accidentally outing someone
• Why sometimes the best thing you can do is tell the bullies to fuck right off
• The many meanings of a BDSM collar
• Why kink terminology matters
• The difference between a play collar and a “this means something” collar
• Why you should probably fix the relationship before putting a ring—or collar—on it
• And, of course, Erin being pretty but dumb. 💅

📞 Got a question for Erin & Nālani?

Leave us a voicemail at 304-315-6369. We want to hear your sexy voices! You can text us, too, but apparently texts are less sexy. We don't make the rules. 😏

And please like, comment, subscribe, and share Queerly in Love with your friends. Help us spread the queer love!

❤️ When being queer is silenced, restricted, and banned, loving your queerness—or loving someone else's—is an act of resistance.

This week on Queerly in Love, Erin and Nalani tackle three questions about gender validation, BDSM, and the complicated feelings that can come with opening up a relationship. 💕🌈

First up, a trans woman asks how she can stop tying her sense of femininity and womanhood to the attention and validation she receives from men. Erin gets especially relatable as the conversation explores societal expectations, the pressure to define ourselves through romantic partners, and why finding your femininity within yourself can be so damn difficult. 💃✨

Then, things get kinky. 😈 A listener wants to explore Total Power Exchange (TPE) with their Daddy Dom and asks what TPE actually involves, what kinds of tasks a dominant might assign, and what to consider before diving in. Erin and Nalani break down the difference between TPE and a more traditional Dominant/submissive dynamic, discuss autonomy and renegotiation, and introduce the wonderfully named PRICK: Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink. Naturally, Erin has some fun with that. 🍆😂

Finally, a trans man writes in about jealousy and insecurity after his longtime girlfriend develops feelings for another man and wants to explore polyamory. 💔💞 Erin and Nalani discuss why simply labeling yourself “insecure” isn't enough, how to figure out what's actually underneath those feelings, and how understanding the source of jealousy can help you communicate what you need from your partner.

Along the way, Erin shares some of her own experiences with insecurity, comparison, and the fear of being replaced—and the hosts offer an important reminder for anyone navigating polyamory: your partner being attracted to someone different from you isn't an indictment of your worth. 🫶

• 💃 Why attention from men can feel tied to femininity and gender validation
• 🪞 Untangling womanhood from romantic and sexual validation
• ⚧️ Moving beyond binary thinking about gender
• 😈 What Total Power Exchange actually means
• 🔗 TPE vs. Dominant/submissive relationships
• 🛑 Autonomy, consent, renegotiation, and risk-aware kink
• 🍆 The meaning of PRICK: Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink
• 🧐 Understanding where jealousy and insecurity actually come from
• 💞 Navigating a partner's new relationship in polyamory
• 🫶 Why your partner loving someone different from you doesn't mean they love you less
• 💬 Learning to name what you need instead of simply calling yourself “insecure”

💃 “How do I stop tying my womanhood to men?”

A trans woman reflects on how masculine men's attention makes her feel validated as a woman and asks how she can develop a stronger sense of femininity that doesn't depend on male attention.

😈 “Should we try Total Power Exchange?”

A listener with a busy Daddy Dom wonders whether TPE could help them maintain their dynamic despite limited time together—and wants to know what they should consider before taking the plunge.

💔 “Am I just being insecure?”

A trans man struggles with jealousy after his girlfriend develops feelings for another man and wants to explore polyamory. He asks how to manage those feelings without damaging their relationship.

Your identity, your worth, and your place in someone's life don't become less real just because someone else is different from you. 🫶

Whether you're exploring gender, kink, or polyamory, the answer often starts with understanding yourself—and remembering that consent, communication, curiosity, and self-awareness are more useful than trying to force yourself into a box. 🌈💕

Have a question about love, sex, dating, kink, polyamory, gender, or relationships? 💌 Leave a voicemail or send a text at 304-315-6369, or post your question in the comments.

And remember: when being queer is silenced, restricted, or banned, loving your queerness—and loving someone else's queerness—is an act of resistance. 🏳️‍🌈✊

Queerly in Love — Episode 10

Penis atrophy, polyamory, and BDSM as a path toward healing? Oh my!

This week on *Queerly in Love*, Erin and Nalani tackle three very different questions about relationships, bodies, kink, and communication. They discuss what makes someone a “partner,” what happens to penis function when testosterone levels change, and how BDSM can intersect with trauma recovery.

💕 When Is a Partner a Partner?

What exactly does the word *partner* mean—and who gets to use it?

Erin and Nalani discuss the many ways people define partnership, from romantic and sexual relationships to deep platonic connections. They explore why the word “partner” became particularly important in queer communities, whether it still feels useful, and how polyamory can expand our ideas about the people who matter most in our lives.

They also get into the idea of platonic partnerships and how having multiple significant relationships isn't necessarily something exclusive to polyamory. After all, families, friendships, and communities have always required us to navigate multiple relationships and competing needs.

🍆 Penis Atrophy: What the Hell Is It?

A trans listener who recently started hormones has heard about penis atrophy and wants to know: Is it real? Can it be prevented?

Erin and Nalani break down what can happen to erectile function and penile tissue when testosterone levels decrease, including changes in erections, size, and function. They discuss the role of regular erections in maintaining tissue and talk about some approaches people may use to maintain erectile function.

Erin also shares a very personal—and extremely uncomfortable—experience involving blood in her ejaculate and a frustrating lack of answers from her doctor. The conversation highlights how much we still have to learn about trans healthcare and why sharing these experiences can help bring attention to gaps in medical research.

Link to the substack article mentioned: How To Maintain Your Penis' Function On Feminizing HRT

Note: This conversation includes medical information and personal anecdotes. It isn't a substitute for medical advice; talk to a qualified healthcare professional about your own body, hormones, and treatment options.

🖤 BDSM, Trauma, and Learning to Play Safely

Our final question comes from someone whose boyfriend wants to explore a dominant role but is afraid of accidentally triggering their partner's past trauma.

Erin and Nalani discuss the importance of communication, trust, education, and taking things slowly when exploring BDSM—especially when trauma is part of the picture.

They make an important distinction: **BDSM isn't therapy**, but it can potentially be a meaningful complement to therapeutic work for some people. They discuss the idea of “embodied healing,” the importance of working with qualified mental-health professionals, and why newer kinksters shouldn't feel pressured to jump straight into advanced play.

Their advice? Learn together, find your community, take classes, communicate constantly, and **be gentle**.

In This Episode

* What does “partner” actually mean?

* Can a relationship be a partnership without being romantic or sexual?

* Why queer people have historically embraced the word “partner”

* Platonic relationships and polyamory

* What penis atrophy is and why it can happen

* The role of testosterone and erections in maintaining penile tissue

* Options for maintaining erectile function

* Erin's unexpected urology horror story

* The gaps in medical research surrounding trans bodies

* Can BDSM help someone work through trauma?

* Why BDSM isn't a replacement for therapy

* The importance of communication, education, and trust in kink

* Learning to be a Dom and Sub without rushing into advanced play

Got a Question for Erin & Nalani?

Have a question about love, sex, relationships, polyamory, kink, or queer life? Leave a voicemail or send a text at **304-315-6369**. You can also leave a question or comment wherever you're watching or listening.

And don't forget to **like, comment, and subscribe** to help *Queerly in Love* reach more of the community.

When being queer is restricted, silenced, and banned, loving your queerness—or loving someone else's queerness—is an act of resistance.

This week on Queerly in Love, Erin Mohr and Nalani Santiago tackle questions about making kink work in ordinary homes, gender-affirming masturbation, and managing sensory overload at your first orgy. Along the way, they discuss safety, consent, aftercare, dungeon etiquette, and why dungeon monitors might be better understood as dungeon facilitators.

Don't have access to a local dungeon? Erin and Nalani share ideas for transforming ordinary household furniture into versatile kink equipment without needing a dedicated playroom. They discuss modular setups, hidden equipment, sturdy furniture, lighting, and the importance of putting safety before aesthetics.

They also share some hilarious stories about disguising sex furniture as completely innocent household objects.

A listener asks how to masturbate in ways that feel more aligned with her gender identity. Erin recommends vibrators, while Nalani emphasizes something even more important: don't assume how a trans person feels about or wants to refer to their body.

They discuss asking partners what language they prefer for their bodies—and how changing the way you think about and describe your own body can sometimes make solo sex feel more affirming.

A listener heading to their first orgy is worried about becoming overstimulated and wonders whether bringing a Nintendo Switch and headphones would be rude.

The answer? Ask.

Erin and Nalani discuss communicating your needs with organizers and other attendees, finding chill-out and aftercare spaces, and why bringing something that helps you regulate your sensory experience isn't inherently disrespectful.

They also launch into a larger conversation about what makes a good dungeon environment—including why social spaces and aftercare spaces shouldn't necessarily be the same thing.

The conversation takes a turn toward dungeon etiquette and the role of staff. Erin and Nalani question the idea of "dungeon monitors" who act like they're in charge of everyone else's play.

Instead, they propose thinking of the role as dungeon facilitators: people whose job is to promote safety, support the community, and facilitate consensual play—not act like Dungeon Masters with power over everyone else's scenes.

• Creating a kink-friendly space at home
• DIY and modular BDSM setups
• Kink safety and injury prevention
• Talking openly with medical professionals about injuries
• Gender-affirming masturbation
• Body language and terminology
• Vibrators and other sex toys
• Attending your first orgy
• Sensory overload and neurodivergence
• Chill-out and aftercare spaces
• Consent and communicating your needs
• Dungeon etiquette
• The role of dungeon staff
• Why "dungeon facilitator" might be a better term than "dungeon monitor"
• The Nintendo Switch as the unofficial console of queer kink

Whether you're building a dungeon out of your living room, figuring out how to make solo sex feel more gender-affirming, or preparing for your first group-sex experience, communication, consent, and knowing your own needs are more important than following someone else's idea of what kink is supposed to look like.

And, apparently, a Nintendo Switch is perfectly acceptable at an orgy. Just bring headphones.

Have a question about sex, love, dating, relationships, kink, or queer life? Erin and Nalani want to hear from you. The show invites listeners to leave a voicemail or send a text with their questions at 304-315-6369.

Queerly in Love is a fun, frank, and delightfully frisky podcast about queer love, intimacy, sex, and relationships. The hosts invite listeners to approach these conversations with curiosity and an open mind.

The episode closes with a reminder that when queerness is restricted, silenced, or banned, loving your queerness—and loving someone else's—is an act of resistance.