Radio Dada

I feel better, and I need more off my chest. This is helping so I’m not questioning it. If it ain’t broke I ain’t gonna fix it ‘til it is.

Setting boundaries. Alternative communication. Trying to cope ahead with the same damn pitfalls and bullshit that made all this so hard in the first place. Nothing about this situation is as easy as people who aren’t in it like to assume. I need a specific job done. I can’t do it alone. Who out there could rise up to the challenge? How do I find such a hero and stop getting conned by incompetence?

Brain dump. Maybe this will help me get through another day.

Much longer continuation of wrestling with motivation, forging meaning, chasing happy, reparenting myself, trying to learn or relearn how to play. Forgot how to fly. Humanity, I diagnose us with: Too much fear, not enough love.

When things that used to be fun and fulfilling aren’t.

I need to express myself.

re: state benefits, disability advocates, Telehealth therapy, lack of trauma-informed neurodiverse oppression-informed social services and mental health approaches, the inadvisability of relying on spoken word for benefit support as well as disability advocacy and support services. Wall-to-wall burnout, overwhelm. frustration that for years no matter how much I learn and how many communication skills I practice, recipients do not grow smarter, more receptive, or reserve more effort and care to seek to understand me. I guess I’ll go stim until this breaks, like my patience and calm and administrative agencies and everything else. I’M MAD AS HELL AND WOULD LIKE AN ALTERNATIVE TO TAKING IT ANYMORE. RIGHT NOW PLEASE.

Elliot Page is awesome. Dogs are awesome. Cheryl Strayed is awesome. Captain Awkward is awesome. That’s what I want to focus on. Also: dogs continue to be awesome. Film at neleven.

I doubt it. I’m not holding my breath. Some things were awesome, some things ‘meh,’ some things piss me off. I empty out my brain’s pockets to sort it and try to strengthen my resolve to not settle for less than passionate engagement, not waste my time, keep striving for input and conversations and preoccupations that electrify me.

I want to preserve what makes life worth living and share it in safe ways. Or at the very least save it for myself. I want passion over positivity. I have to find ways that work for me to save my heart and maintain my soul every day. Even if I’m feeling overwhelmed and helpless.