Raising Mentally Healthy Kids with Michelle Nietert

In this episode, I'm chatting with the authors of Every Little Win: How Celebrating Small Victories Can Lead to Big Joy Brooke and Todd Tilghman. You might recognize Todd as the winner of season 18 of NBC's The Voice, but in this conversation, he and Brooke share how their focus on joy and celebrating every little win has helped them to overcome numerous challenges over their twenty-plus-year marriage. They also help us understand how we can help our children (and ourselves) battle negative thoughts through daily practices.

Key points from our conversation:

👂 It's important for parents to say less and listen more. Try holding family meetings and allow each child to express what the family is doing well at, what the biggest issue is from their perspective, and what they think you could do better as parents.

🧠 Managing fear and anxiety comes from monitoring our thoughts, which affect our feelings. It's important to model this for our children by battling our own thoughts first.

🙁 You'll know when a child's neurochemistry begins to change when overwhelm turns into hopelessness or depression.

🙏 The work of eliminating negative thoughts will take time. Pray, seek counseling, do the daily work, and if necessary, consider medication.

💊 With every major life transition comes grief. There's no shame in getting some extra help with medication for difficult seasons.

✝️ We can't rely on others to fix us, we have to turn to God and do the hard work of fixing ourselves - hopefully with the support of our partner.

🤝 We win when we can share our struggles with others and help them see they're not alone.

Connect with Todd: website | Instagram | Facebook Connect with Brooke: Instagram | Facebook

In our last episode, I spoke with author Georgia Schaffer about what healthy grieving looks like for our kids. In the second part of our conversation we're digging into how to talk to kids about loss and answering some of the questions we hear most like is it okay to use the word "death" with my kids? Should I have my children attend the funeral of a loved one? And is it okay to keep my kid out of school while they grieve? We also offer some practical suggestions of how you can help grieving families.

Key points from our conversation:

😢 When deciding how to tell your child about the death of a person or pet, consider what their experience has been with loss to this point and how the death occurred. Was it sudden or did you know it was imminent?

💀It's okay to use the word "death" when speaking to your kids. Young children often don't understand what "passed away" means. The more direct you can be, the better.

🐶 It's not a good idea to replace a pet to hide a loss. The death of a pet is sometimes the first opportunity to prepare your kids with healthy mechanisms to deal with loss in the future.

💬Ask your children how they want to grieve. It could be a memorial service, drawing a picture, or writing a letter. There is no one way to grieve, it's dependent on personalities. Just provide the child a chance to talk about what they experienced and allow them to work through it.

⛔ The fact that a person died is public knowledge, but how they died isn't always for everyone. We need to be respectful of that. It's okay to not know. Be careful not to overstate things.

🎒 If someone in the family dies it's okay to keep your kid out of school, but not too long. Being a little busy is good to help you not get lost in the pain, but moving past the suffering too fast can stunt the grieving process.

⚰️ Talk to your kids about attending the memorial service of a loved one. If they're not ready for a funeral, perhaps they might want to attend the viewing, graveside service, or process in a different way.

🗣️Some kids process verbally and need to talk about a loss, others only want to share a few words about what they're feeling. If they do talk, help them feel heard by practicing reflective listening.

💕Some practical things you can do for grieving families include babysitting, getting the kids something off their wish list, giving money to be used toward food delivery services, and checking in on significant dates.

✨When kids lose a parent at a young age people think they'll have trauma forever, but that child understands loss in a way others can't. It helps them develop empathy and compassion the average person wouldn't as well as equips them with a well-developed emotional vocabulary and resilience.

🧠 If a child is acting out or shutting down, get them a mental health check-up with a professional.

✝️ There is a time to grieve and a time to dance. Grief is hard, but there's a lot of love that happens in that season. And you can bring that light to others when they grieve. We have hope in Christ that we'll see them again.

⚱️ Think ahead about how you will handle loss. Talk about grief with your children before it happens. Ask what grief means to them. Planning isn't being morbid, it's being real.

💛 If you're experiencing loss, allow others to love you well. If you can't accept it, let others love your children.

Resources mentioned:

Mourning Glory Minute When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping, and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One Become a Better Listener download

Connect with Georgia: website | Instagram | Facebook

One of the questions I get asked most is how to talk to kids about grief. Unfortunately, there's no magic formula to speeding up the grieving process. And grieving isn't just about the loss of a loved one, there are a number of losses we grieve, from loss of a dream to loss of health. In the first half of my conversation with coach Georgia Shaffer, she explains what health grieving looks like.

Key points from our conversation:

💊 Kids are more susceptible to addiction when a loss occurs.

😢 6-18 months after a loss can be more difficult due in part to the loss of support you get immediately after death. Shock and numbness wear off and reality sets in.

💔 The "Five Stages of Grief" - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – are not accurate. Grief takes far longer than anyone talks about.

🕰️ Time does not heal, it gives us tools and perspective to cope with our loss.

🤷‍♀️ We can't ignore when our kids are grieving and we don't understand why.

🥺 Modeling healthy grief means not ignoring the pain or covering it with busyness, comfort eating, or addictions.

😭 It's okay to cry in front of your kids. It's important to be able to talk about our feelings with our children.

😩 Sad is a basic emotion. Ask younger kids "how sad are you?" to gauge their level of emotion. Ask them when the last time they cried was. This is especially important with men to break the myth men don't cry. If you don't, it typically comes out in unhealthy anger.

😡 Dig deeper with words like "anger," "disappointed," "devastated," and "overwhelmed." Consult a feelings wheel to broaden your emotional vocabulary.

⛹️‍♂️ Everyone grieves differently. Some withdraw, while some want to talk. Try doing an activity with your kids to give them the opportunity to open up.

✨ No feeling is good or bad, it's what we do with the feelings that can be negative.

🧸 Kids sometimes want to cry, but they can't. Play therapy can help them reconnect to their emotions.

⏳ Parents will need to be patient as kids grieve. If you stop the grieving process too soon with smaller losses (pets, etc.), they may not be comfortable sharing about the bigger losses.

💨 We can only deal with the pain a little at a time, so you have to let the pressure out gradually.

☹️ People experience emotions differently. You cannot compare grief, even within a family. Your pain is your pain.

👩‍⚕️ Therapy can be helpful because kids aren't always comfortable revealing certain feelings to their parents, especially if it's about that parent. They need someone they feel safe and comfortable speaking to.

💙 It is not our kid's job to take care of our emotions. It's our job to take care of them.

Resources mentioned:

A Gift of Mourning Glories: Restoring Your Life After Loss Grief Share

Connect with Georgia: website | Instagram | Facebook

I'm so excited to kick off our new season with this rich conversation I had with psychologist and author Dr. John Townsend about how we can set healthy boundaries with our teens and tweens. We cover a wide range of topics including three skills every parent should utilize to raise mentally healthy kids, how to build a stronger relationship with kids moving toward autonomy, connecting with kids struggling with gender identity, and so much more.

Key points from our conversation:

💬 Some parents tend to fragilize their kids rather than setting healthy boundaries. Enter their world and find compassion. If you're not sure, take your child to a counselor to help determine where they are.

⛔ A "trigger" isn't when something upsets you, it's a clinical word used when something brings up traumatic experiences that affect your ability to function.

✨ There are three skills every parent should utilize to raise mentally healthy kids –

1. Warmth – connect and enter the child's world
2. Appropriate strictness – there must be boundaries and structure
3. Realistic expectations - neither child nor parents will be perfect

🤝 As your children become autonomous, moving toward them in the negative moments will help build a stronger connection. Sit with them, but still enforce appropriate disciplines.

💕 Support doesn't mean you share an opinion, but that you love them completely.

🧑 Kids struggling with gender is a normal experience today. The most important thing is that you stay connected, address if there's any danger, and give the information you have. Help them with their character because healthy character will make the right decisions.

🗣️ Healthy character comes from learning to bond and connect, helping children speak up and set boundaries, getting rid of the inner critic, and accepting themselves and reality. Our job as parents is to work on the character. Remind them that they are more than one thing – their gender shouldn't be their full identity.

🧠 You can determine if your child's detachment has become unhealthy by asking if they're emotionally engaged with the family, helpful, vulnerable, and doing okay with school and their hobbies.

👣 If your child is hesitant to spend more time with the family, try an activity. An activity with less eye contact like walking can make them more comfortable. They want to be understood and are waiting to open up, but it's our job to come up with the framework.

👂 Practice listening without judgment. Lead with curiosity instead of aiming to correct. You earn the right to give truth with grace and listening. The order matters. You have to put in the time.

Resources mentioned:

Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No

Connect with Dr. Townsend: website | Instagram | Facebook

With so many young adults struggling with anxiety and depression as they return to school after the holidays, I wanted to release a bonus episode answering questions from author Melissa Spoelstra about parenting young adults who need to find a counselor. In this episode, we'll discuss some practical aspects such as insurance coverage and the variety of mental health professionals available to help your child as well as offer you some tips on questions to ask prospective counselors, when it's time to seek professional help, and how to encourage your child to get help without offending them.

Key points from our conversation:

🩺 If insurance is a deal-breaker, call your company and get the names of 10 Christian counselors that are in-network, then narrow them down by finding out who is taking new patients. Have your child do research online like reading bios and watching videos to see who they connect with best. Telehealth may be a good option if you're in a rural area.

✝️ Therapists use different approaches when it comes to treatment. When interviewing prospective counselors, have your child ask if they are a Christian who does counseling or if they integrate faith into best counseling practices. Also, ask if they are a biblical counselor who doesn't integrate psychology and if they are a directive or non-directive therapist.

🚨 If your young adult tends to change their mind about counseling, but chronic problems persist, encourage them to find a counselor as quickly as possible. Use the urgency to prevent a future emergency.

🗣️ If your child is resistant because they view counseling as a sign of weakness, normalize it. Since 2020, 40% of young adults 18-24 are experiencing diagnosable anxiety and depression. Practice empathic listening and try changing the verbiage from "you need counseling" to "you could benefit from counseling."

😖 Panic attacks are immediate criteria for therapy because it means they're at a place where their mind is not able to control the body in such a way that things happen that are out of control.

🥼 Seeing a therapist should be as normal as seeing a doctor. When in doubt, check it out.

🧠 You may not notice ADHD in your young adult before college because home life and school can provide a structure they can manage. Smarter kids can take even longer to diagnose because their intelligence compensates for their lack of executive management skills.

👂 When your young adult comes home and shares struggles, reassure them that you get it and they're not alone. Engage them by asking how they would like to try to solve the problem. Offer to get them help, even if they get offended. If you're the authority, you make the call even if they don't want to. You know what's best for them.

Resources mentioned:

Smart but Scattered by Peg Dawson

Connect with Melissa: website | Instagram | Facebook

We're halfway through December and I'm wondering how you're doing because it has been hectic around our counseling center. I don't know why you listen to the show, but I'm so grateful for the guests we've had this season and the topics we've been able to cover - everything from managing screen time to eating disorders.

We're excited about the guests we have for you next season including Dr. John Townsend who talks about setting healthy boundaries and connections, Georgia Schaffer shares her expertise on grief, and Danny Huerta speaks about Focus on the Family's initiative to address suicide in the church.

As we enter 2022, I want to encourage you to slow down, take time to enjoy your community, and spend time reflecting on how mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and relationally healthy your lifestyle is as well as where you want to make changes.

I also want to urge you to talk to your kids and listen to them without trying to fix them. Try asking them these 3 questions - How do you want to solve this problem? How can I make your life easier today? How can I pray for you?

Thank you for your support this season and we look forward to offering you more resources to raise mentally healthy kids in 2022!

According to the Kaiser Family Foundation, kids ages 8-18 now spend, on average, 7.5 hours in front of a screen for entertainment each day. In this episode, I'm continuing my conversation with author Arlene Pellicane about how we can help our kids manage screen time in a healthy way by setting clear expectations and consequences. We also talk about managing expectations and helping our kids fail forward, Arlene's five A+ skills that every child needs to master, and some practical ideas on how and when to introduce new screen time boundaries with your family.

Key points from our conversation:

📱 It's important to set expectations about screen limits with kids as young as 3 and follow through with the predetermined consequences. Training is the most successful when we're also modeling healthy behaviors.

✍️ If your children are older, it can be helpful to include them in the process of thinking through consequences for violating screen rules. Write them down so the expectations and consequences are clear. If a child can't use screens responsibly you may not need to remove screens completely, but instead, supervise them differently.

⛔ Expect your children to fail but help them fail forward. Breaking rules is not necessarily an indicator of a character issue or something to take personally, the child simply made an impulsive decision. Remain calm and they will too. If you can't be calm, wait until tomorrow.

😌 How we approach our kids is important because they don't want to disappoint their parents. Don't accuse. Gather the facts. Remain calm. They need to know you're on their team. You're there to help. We're all human. Be their advocate.

🤝 If we handle their failures well, they can learn from their mistakes. If we shame them, they will hide things better next time. We want to create a cooperative relationship of transparency.

🖐️ Arlene has identified five A+ skills that every child needs to master: affection, appreciation, anger management, apology, and attention.

💻 If you want to set new boundaries with your kid's screen time, try starting with a family screen fast day or choose a time when your routine will already be disrupted, like camp or vacation.

💕 There are endless wonderful things online that are beneficial. Consider how you and your family can use devices to bring you closer to God and the people you love.

Resources mentioned:

Bark monitoring Total Family Makeover: 8 Practical Steps to Making Disciples at Home Screen Kids: 5 Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech-Driven World Calm, Cool, and Connected: 5 Digital Habits for a More Balanced Life Happy Home University Happy Home podcast

Connect with Arlene: website | Instagram | Facebook

One of the things I get asked about most in the counseling office is when and how much time kids should be spending on screens because of the correlation between mental health and screen use. With the holidays right around the corner, I want to give you some practical ways to better manage how screens are used in your home. In the first part of my conversation with author Arlene Pellicane, we're discussing how we address the screen life we have within our families and with our kids. Not all screen time is bad, but it matters how much time we're spending and what we're gaining from that time.

Key points from our conversation:

📺 Kids from Gen Z have had access to screens and portable devices since they were born. We need to have parenting tools to help equip our kids to find activities to entertain themselves other than screens.

🧠 When young kids spend time on screens it affects the neurochemicals that build connections in their brain. "Digital candy" experienced through things like gaming, social media, and YouTube provides a rush of dopamine and puts them into the fight-or-flight mode by shutting off blood from the pre-frontal cortex – the part of the brain responsible for decision making.

👀 Screens are a struggle for adults as well, so it's important to model healthy behaviors to help teach digital social etiquette such as looking away from the screen and looking your child in the eye when they're speaking to you.

📱 There's no specific age to give your child a phone, but it is wise to have some safeguards in place. They should be able to be responsible in other areas of life and understand that the rules set for their devices applies no matter where they are. It helps teach integrity.

🎮 Playing games isn't bad. Certain games have modes that develop creativity rather than something that puts them in fight or flight. Encourage them to build social dynamics into their play. If you're fighting them to get off, they're overstimulated.

Resources mentioned:

Screen Kids: 5 Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech-Driven World Calm, Cool, and Connected: 5 Digital Habits for a More Balanced Life Happy Home University Happy Home podcast

Connect with Arlene: website | Instagram | Facebook

In the second half of my conversation with Certified Licensed Professional Counselor Lori Vann, we're continuing our discussion about non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI) including why it can be dangerous to punish or ignore a child engaging in self-harm, what's involved in a good treatment plan from a specialized counselor, and what to do when you don't see your child's behaviors improving.

Key points from our conversation:

💣 It can be dangerous to punish or ignore a child involved in self-harm. Although self-injury is not a suicide attempt, there is a suicide correlation. The intent matters.

🗣️ It's vital to find a counselor who specializes in self-injury. Interview the counselor and ask general questions. There are a lot of resources and different therapies that are effective.

✍️ For a coping skill to be effective, it needs to match the trigger for self-harm. Often the child wants people to know how they're feeling, but they don't have the words. It can be helpful for some kids to draw on their skin. Skin-to-skin touch can be a calming technique and it grounds them on a visual and physical level.

😔 It's important the child doesn't feel shame. Model self-compassion and be a safe family to talk about emotions feely. Meet the child where they are and help them manage their emotions in different ways.

✨ Perfectionism and self-injury have a connection. There's a control dynamic. It's not an act of rebellion, it's a cry for help.

🤝 Treatment should be a collaborative effort among the counselor, parents, and child. Parents should get updates and tips from the counselor to better understand what's happening. If the parents and child are in conflict, it can be beneficial to get family counseling from a different counselor. Good family therapy addresses the family's communication style and rules as well as how they deal with emotions.

🩹 If you have previously engaged in self-harm, be honest with your child about it. Teach them the coping skills that helped you learn how to get through it. You don't need to go into detail or give a lecture. Let them know you'll answer any questions.

Resources mentioned:

Lori interviews Dr. Phil about Self-Injury and Suicide Institute for Non-Suicidal Self-Injury Instagram

Lori Vann has been privileged to be called by her professional peers "the Guru" and an "authority" on Non-Suicidal Self-Injury, in addition, to being considered one of the top counselors in the Metroplex when it comes to developing interns into highly ethical and professional counselors who are sought after by counseling centers. Her 20+ years of counseling experience in a variety of locations from inpatient psychiatric, non-profit, school districts, outpatient clinics to private practice has provided her with a unique, well-rounded perspective that benefits not only her staff, her interns, the licensed counselors she trains during her ethics' events, but also the community.

Follow Lori: website | Instagram | Facebook

Recent studies suggest that 30% of the population will struggle with non-suicidal self-harming behaviors over their lifetime. For teenage girls, the risk is 1 in 4. In this episode with Certified Licensed Professional Counselor Lori Vann, we're discussing why so many children cope through self-injury, the signs parents can look for if they believe their kids may be harming themselves, and how to approach your child in a way that leads to lasting change.

Key points from our conversation:

💬 It's important to be proactive in talking to your kids about self-harming behaviors. They start getting exposed to these behaviors as early as elementary school through media, so parents should be keenly aware of what messages they're receiving through television, movies, and music.

📺 When you notice self-injury references in media, ask your kids what they think the reference is about and what they think about the behavior, but be careful with your tone. Kids are intuitive and may change their answers if they sense you're anxious.

🔪 Cutting is often considered the main presentation of self-harm, but Lori has identified 28 forms of self-injury. By the time a child has escalated to cutting, it's likely there have been years of smaller forms of abuse. The escalation occurs when the action is no longer providing the emotional, psychological, and/or physiological release than it did when they first started doing it.

✨ The endorphins released during a self-harming behavior will relieve physical pain as well as emotional pain. Sometimes kids will teach other children to use these behaviors as a method of coping.

🩺 If you find out your child is self-injuring, don't overreact. Be proactive and calm and seek help from a professional. Self-injury is an addiction and should be treated as such.

🧠 You're not a bad parent if your child is harming themselves. Kids get influenced in a variety of ways and they're using it as a coping mechanism because they lack the skills to figure out what's going on. A primal part of their brain is trying to regulate itself.

🤐 Overreacting to self-injury can actually cause more damage and cause the child to hide the behavior. Model having healthy hard conversations by making sure your emotions are in check before engaging with them and making sure they understand that they are not in trouble. Punishing self-harm exacerbates the issues you're working to heal.

Resources mentioned:

A Caregiver's Guide to Self-Injury Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation A Bright Red Scream: Self-Mutilation and the Language of Pain Stopping the Pain: A Workbook for Teens Who Cut and Self Injure SAFE program

Lori Vann has been privileged to be called by her professional peers "the Guru" and an "authority" on Non-Suicidal Self-Injury, in addition, to being considered one of the top counselors in the Metroplex when it comes to developing interns into highly ethical and professional counselors who are sought after by counseling centers. Her 20+ years of counseling experience in a variety of locations from inpatient psychiatric, non-profit, school districts, outpatient clinics to private practice has provided her with a unique, well-rounded perspective that benefits not only her staff, her interns, the licensed counselors she trains during her ethics' events, but also the community.

Follow Lori: website | Instagram | Facebook