Raising Mentally Healthy Kids with Michelle Nietert

Over the past two episodes, I've been speaking with doctors John Trent and Dewey Wilson about how we can raise relationally intelligent kids. In the last part of our conversation, we focus on four key principles that positive parents think and practice that are effective for all ages. We also discuss how both we and our children can get swept up in "culture currents" without even noticing and the hope science gives us about the power of neuroplasticity.

4 Principles That Help You Parent More Positively:

🔎 Focus on the children first. Become a student of your child. The secure attachment will strengthen as you learn more about them. It's never too late to start.

🗣️ Be proactive instead of reactive. Healthy boundaries are the ones that are established before the problem occurs.

📚 Develop and learn themselves. We need to know and understand what's happening in our kid's worlds. Take the time to intentionally learn good parenting skills.

🔀 Make midcourse corrections. When you realize something you did had a negative result, apologize and take ownership. Empathize about how it could've affected them. If you want something different, you have to do something different.

Resources mentioned:

TheRelationallyIntelligentChild.com FREE empathetic listening printable

Connect with John: website | Instagram | Facebook Connect with Dewey: website | Instagram | Facebook

You can find more resources about mental health, parenting, and coping with anxiety at MichelleNietert.com.

Please be sure to subscribe to the Raising Mentally Healthy Kids podcast on your favorite podcast player so you never miss an episode! And if this episode helped you we'd love it if you'd leave a review to help other parents find this resource.

And don't forget to join the conversation about raising mentally healthy kids with Michelle on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter!

As parents we want to believe we know our own kids, but without understanding their temperaments we don't have the full picture. In the second part of my conversation with John Trent and Dewey Wilson we're breaking down the different personality types we have in our homes according to Dr. Trent's four animal personality assessment and discussing how we can use that understanding to help encourage each other rather than cause friction in our relationships by exploring how they interact with one another. You can take the assessment for free at TheRelationallyIntelligentChild.com.

The Four Animal Personalities:

🦁 Lion

Strengths: Bold, adventurous, determined, and competitive, lions are "take charge" types who love solving big problems.

Challenges: Impulsive decision-making; can be too direct or impatient with others or doesn't listen; may seem more interested in their goals than their relationships; bored by routine and chit-chat

🦦 Otter

Strengths: Energetic, fun-loving, and optimistic, otters can chat for hours and are great at motivating and inspiring others.

Challenges: Energized by novelty and so avoids details or lacks follow-through; overly trusting; may set unrealistic goals or seem unconcerned about risks or meeting deadlines

🐕 Golden Retriever

Strengths: Easygoing, empathetic, and loyal, golden retrievers are patient listeners and peacemakers who highly value their relationships with others.

Challenges: Easily hurt or holds a grudge; needs routine and time to process change or major decisions; ignores their own needs to keep the peace; explanations meander

Beaver

Strengths: Analytical and detail-oriented, beavers like to do a job well and to ponder all the implications before making a decision.

Challenges: Can frustrate others with their precision and desire for details; their impulse to troubleshoot new ideas can make them seem like a "wet blanket"; too critical of self and others.

Resources mentioned:

TheRelationallyIntelligentChild.com The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That LastsFREE empathetic listening printable

Connect with John: website | Instagram | Facebook Connect with Dewey: website | Instagram | Facebook

You can find more resources about mental health, parenting, and coping with anxiety at MichelleNietert.com.

Please be sure to subscribe to the Raising Mentally Healthy Kids podcast on your favorite podcast player so you never miss an episode! And if this episode helped you we'd love it if you'd leave a review to help other parents find this resource.

And don't forget to join the conversation about raising mentally healthy kids with Michelle on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter!

With our children often connecting over screens, we have a felt need in our culture to help them develop relational intelligence. In this episode, I'm speaking with two experts on that subject, John Trent and Dewey Wilson, authors of the book The Relationally Intelligent Child: Five Keys to Helping Your Kids Connect Well with Others. We discuss what relational intelligence is and why it's so important, four elements that are essential to relational intelligence, and the power of giving your kids freedom to fail.

Key points from our conversation:

🤝 Relational intelligence is an applicational construct. It's the ability to learn, understand, and apply the relationship skills that God has equipped us with.

🔗 Relational intelligence helps relieve social anxiety by equipping children with skills that give them the confidence to connect with others more easily.

👨‍👩‍👧 Children with secure attachment feel protected by their caregivers and a though they have a safe space to process emotions.

🏠 When a child has a secure attachment at home, it gives them the confidence to fearlessly explore their world. As their world expands, they will fail, but resilience is built through "failing forward."

💪 Kids take stress cues from their parents. If we want our kids to be resilient, we must model resiliency. Let your kids know you're struggling and show them how to fail well.

🤩 Brighten your eyes when you see your kids. Only 7% of communication is verbal, so your reactions and tone matter.

🧠 The area of the brain responsible for the evaluation of consequences doesn't mature until the mid-20s – 30s, but the area responsible for risk is active in adolescence.

Resources mentioned:

The Blessing: Giving the Gift of Unconditional Love and Acceptance FREE empathetic listening printable

Connect with John: website | Instagram | Facebook Connect with Dewey: website | Instagram | Facebook

You can find more resources about mental health, parenting, and coping with anxiety at MichelleNietert.com.

Please be sure to subscribe to the Raising Mentally Healthy Kids podcast on your favorite podcast player so you never miss an episode! And if this episode helped you we'd love it if you'd leave a review to help other parents find this resource.

And don't forget to join the conversation about raising mentally healthy kids with Michelle on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter!

Often our children's first experience with death is the loss of a pet. In the second half of my interview with Director of Child and Adolescent Counseling Sissy Goff, M. Ed., LPC-MHSP, we're talking about how we can help our kids process loss and teach them about grief. We're also offering some helpful tips on how to gauge how well your child is moving through the grieving process and when it's time to seek professional help.

Key points from our conversation:

🐶 It's important to honor the loss with kids and give them the time and space to grieve. Sometimes we don't want to see our kids hurting so we circumvent the process.

💔 Sometimes acknowledging your child's pain is enough. All kids experience grief differently and will need to honor their pets in different ways.

🤐 Sometimes because we're also grieving children won't express their emotions because they don't want to make us sadder. Their grief may be more significant than we know.

🧠 Normalize mental health checkups. It gives your child a safe place so if something happens, they already have an established relationship.

✉️ Encourage your child to write a letter to the pet or memorize it some way. Tell your kids that it's okay to talk to their pets in heaven. Remembering is not bad, it's good.

😢 Occasionally ask your child on a scale of 1-10 how sad they are about the loss. The number should be naturally going down over time. If not, it's time to seek a counselor.

💬 Communicate to your kids that there's nothing we together with God can't get through. Give them hope and strength in the knowledge that you are capable. It might require help, but it's okay to ask for help. If you do appear fragile, they will likely hide things from you.

Resources mentioned:Braver, Stronger, Smarter: A Girl's Guide to Overcoming Worry & Anxiety Dog Heaven FREE empathetic listening printable

Connect with Sissy: website | Instagram | Facebook | podcast

You can find more resources about mental health, parenting, and coping with anxiety at MichelleNietert.com.

Please be sure to subscribe to the Raising Mentally Healthy Kids podcast on your favorite podcast player so you never miss an episode! And if this episode helped you we'd love it if you'd leave a review to help other parents find this resource.

And don't forget to join the conversation about raising mentally healthy kids with Michelle on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter!

As we talk about raising mentally healthy kids, I can't think of a more relevant topic right now for all of us than anxiety. Worry and anxiety seemed to have peaked in our country as COVID-19 hit, but it certainly has not disappeared. And while we as adults tend to focus on the big life things, kids are still dealing with the natural anxieties of adolescence. In this episode I'm talking with the Director of Child and Adolescent Counseling at Daystar Counseling Ministries Sissy Goff, M. Ed., LPC-MHSP about some practical things we can do to help our kids socially, emotionally, spiritually, and functionally develop well.

Key points from our conversation:

💕 When we view our child's behavior as manipulative or controlling, it's important to remember that behavior is a form of communication. Understanding that we do not face the same dynamics as our kids can help us move us to a place of empathy and compassion.

⚖️ Our goal should not be just to teach our children how to respond but to learn how to respond in a way that best suits them. We may have to self-regulate ourselves first as parents.

👂 When kids talk about their worries, reassurance can sometimes come off as minimizing or fixing. And when parents minimize, kids respond more dynamically to be heard. You kids are going to have worries; it's important to slow down, listen, and validate their worry even if you don't share their perspective.

😠 Children who struggle with anxiety care deeply which means they may bury what they consider negative emotions because they don't feel they're appropriate. Perfectionistic tendencies can lead to eating disorders or self-harm.

Practical tips to help your child manage anxiety:

🤢 If your child struggles with anxiety causing vomiting or an upset stomach, speak to their teacher and let them know the student may need to exit suddenly. Seat them near the door and make sure they have a safe place to go like the nurses' office.

⏱️ Some kids need to sit with their emotions longer than others. When you get frustrated that they aren't moving faster, give them 10 more minutes.

🧏 Practice reflective listening to make sure your child feels heard and understood.

✨ Avoid telling your child there is hope. Instead, ask them where they feel there is hope.

🗣️ Ask "is there anything else you want to share about that?" If we fill in the gaps with our own words, our kids are less likely to share openly, especially adolescents.

🎧 When you're in the car and want to ask your child questions, try turning on music to give them space so they don't have to speak. Allow them time to decompress.

🐶 Pets can be good therapy for kids. Petting can be soothing but having someone who loves you unconditionally can do immeasurable good. Having something to talk to can help kids get what is on the inside to the outside.

Resources mentioned:

Are My Kids on TrackRaising Worry-Free Girls: Helping Your Daughter Feel Braver, Stronger, and Smarter in an Anxious WorldRaising Boys and Girls Instagram FREE empathetic listening printable

Connect with Sissy: website | Instagram | Facebook | podcast

You can find more resources about mental health, parenting, and coping with anxiety at MichelleNietert.com.

Please be sure to subscribe to the Raising Mentally Healthy Kids podcast on your favorite podcast player so you never miss an episode! And if this episode helped you we'd love it if you'd leave a review to help other parents find this resource.

And don't forget to join the conversation about raising mentally healthy kids with Michelle on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter!

In the last episode of my series with clinical therapist Ashley Ariail about understanding healthy eating and eating disorders, we're discussing what happens after your child is diagnosed with an eating disorder and what's typically involved in a treatment plan. Ashley also walks through different types of beneficial behavioral therapies and offers some practical questions and resources you can use to keep your child focused on their values for long-term success.

Key points from our conversation:

🧬 Research is still being performed to determine if there is a genetic component to eating disorders, but we do know they can be mediated by environmental factors such as modeling appropriate eating habits and positive self-talk.

🩺 An eating disorder diagnosis rarely comes without an additional diagnosis of anxiety and/or depression. After your child has been diagnosed, their care team will include a doctor, counselor, and dietitian to address each condition. It's not all about eating, it's about mental health.

🧠 Treatment plans focus on control through various methods like cognitive behavioral therapy to reshape thoughts that aren't rational or dialectical behavioral therapy to address mindfulness, intercommunication skills, distress tolerance, and emotional regulation.

🤝 If you're the parent of a child with an eating disorder, externalizing the disorder can be helpful in recognizing it as an internal conflict, not a character issue. Focus on connective behaviors, not corrective.

👤 Kids with eating disorders often have an externalized identity instead of an internalized identity.

✝️ For treatment to have long-term success, you must replace the passion the person had for disordered eating with something else. Many people find spirituality or the belief in something bigger than themselves to be effective motivators.

🔎 Acceptance and commitment therapy involves determining your values and repeated assessment if your behaviors are aligned with those values.

Resources mentioned:Children's Health – Childhood Eating Disorders Treatment FREE empathetic listening printable Life without Ed Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating Disorder Skills Based Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder The Secret Language of Eating Disorders 8 Keys to Recovering from an Eating Disorder

You can find more resources about mental health, parenting, and coping with anxiety at MichelleNietert.com.

Please be sure to subscribe to the Raising Mentally Healthy Kids podcast on your favorite podcast player so you never miss an episode! And if this episode helped you we'd love it if you'd leave a review to help other parents find this resource.

And don't forget to join the conversation about raising mentally healthy kids with Michelle on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter!

Have you noticed changes in your child's behavior that have led you to believe they could be developing an eating disorder? In today's episode, I'm continuing my conversation with clinical therapist Ashley Ariail about how we can approach our kids about unhealthy conduct, how to talk about our bodies without labels or judgment, and why it's important to tackle the emotions behind eating disorders.

Key points from our conversation:

🗣️ Talking about an eating disorder will not trigger an eating disorder in a child. Approach them in a non-accusatory way and be honest about the unhealthy behaviors you've noticed. They may need to be addressed by a health care professional.

😥 Children often become concerned about their weight after a comment from someone else. It's important to first ask them how the comment made them feel. "Eating disorders are fueled by suppressed emotions, so you'll never go wrong by going after the feeling with your kid."

💕 Our bodies are not for judging. They are our Earth suits and they're to be treated with kindness. Teach your child to focus on what the body does for them, what they're grateful for, and how to take care of it.

✨ Be vulnerable with your kids about your own eating struggles and body image challenges while sharing what's helped and what you're working on.

🥦 Food is not good or bad, it's fuel for our bodies. Variety and moderation are the keys to everything.

Resources mentioned:

Children's Health – Childhood Eating Disorders Treatment Dietitian Anna Instagram FREE empathetic listening printable

You can find more resources about mental health, parenting, and coping with anxiety at MichelleNietert.com.

Please be sure to subscribe to the Raising Mentally Healthy Kids podcast on your favorite podcast player so you never miss an episode! And if this episode helped you we'd love it if you'd leave a review to help other parents find this resource.

And don't forget to join the conversation about raising mentally healthy kids with Michelle on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter!

Eating disorders are on the rise in the US as COVID has given kids more opportunities to spend time online. We know that social media impacts how we (especially girls) feel about our bodies, increasing anxiety and fueling eating disorders. In the first part of my conversation with clinical therapist Ashley Ariail, we're discussing the different factors that can contribute to eating disorders, how you can identify if your kid is struggling with unhealthy eating behaviors, and advice about how to model appropriate behavior for your child.

Key points from our conversation:

🍴 Negative body image isn't always involved in an eating disorder, especially in kids under 10. It could be avoidant restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID) which is not driven by body or weight concerns. It could be they've had a bad experience with choking or allergies, GI complications, etc.

⬇️ There is no standard of average healthy weight loss per week. If you notice your child is losing weight rapidly, it's important to focus on the how and why they're losing rather than the number of pounds lost.

⭐ There are many factors that can contribute to eating disorders including genetics, personality and temperament, and social influences. Children that struggle with eating disorders are typically perfectionistic high achievers.

🏃‍♀️ Parents can help by being good students of their kids and making sure they're getting their nutritional needs met despite their difficulties. It's also important for parents to model healthy behaviors concerning food, exercise, and how they speak about their own bodies.

🍎 Research shows that because they're based on rules, diets don't work long term. Working with a dietitian can help you with your weight loss goal while modeling appropriate behavior. (It may even be covered by your insurance as preventative care.)

Resources mentioned:

Children's Health – Childhood Eating Disorders Treatment The Encouraging Dietitian The Feel-Good Dietitian FREE empathetic listening printable

You can find more resources about mental health, parenting, and coping with anxiety at MichelleNietert.com.

Please be sure to subscribe to the Raising Mentally Healthy Kids podcast on your favorite podcast player so you never miss an episode! And if this episode helped you we'd love it if you'd leave a review to help other parents find this resource.

And don't forget to join the conversation about raising mentally healthy kids with Michelle on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter!

In the second half of my interview with Neuroscientist and Mental Health Expert Dr. Caroline Leaf, we're continuing our discussion of how we can learn to retrain our brains by systematically managing our thoughts, feelings, and choices. In this episode we dig into how invalidating our kid's feelings can affect their mental and physical health, different techniques for temporarily containing instead of repressing anxious thoughts, and Dr. Leaf breaks down her 5 Step NeuroCycle.

Key points from our conversation:

💭 We need to be comfortable sitting with our thoughts. If you're awake, you're thinking. Those thoughts have feelings associated with them which led to choices.

♻️ Don't suppress or invalidate your child's feelings, instead let them know that feelings are helpful messengers that allow us to explore what's going on and redesign the pattern. When emotions are suppressed, they recycle in the body and the mind.

🚫 There are no shortcuts to cleaning up your mental mess. It takes at least 63 days to create behavior change.

🧠 Your mind is either managed or unmanaged, but it never stops.

🔎 The first step to being a thought detective is to spot a pattern. Once you recognize it, accept it and prepare your brain for change through breathing and movement exercises that change your neurophysiology.

🧬 Dr. Leaf's 5 Step NeuroCycle – gather, reflect, write, recheck, and active reach

📦 Neuroplasticity practices like the box and window techniques can provide a way to temporarily contain your anxious thoughts until you can calm down and process through the neurocycle.

Resources mentioned:

Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess Neurocycle app Cleaning Up the Mental Mess Podcast FREE empathetic listening printable

Connect with Caroline: website | Instagram | Facebook

You can find more resources about mental health, parenting, and coping with anxiety at MichelleNietert.com.

Please be sure to subscribe to the Raising Mentally Healthy Kids podcast on your favorite podcast player so you never miss an episode! And if this episode helped you we'd love it if you'd leave a review to help other parents find this resource.

And don't forget to join the conversation about raising mentally healthy kids with Michelle on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter!

Did you know that by managing your mind you can change your physical brain? In this episode, I'm speaking with Neuroscientist and Mental Health Expert Dr. Caroline Leaf about how understanding the difference between the mind, the brain, thoughts, and emotions as well as how they work with one another can help us realize the agency we have over our lives. Through her work specializing in cognitive and metacognitive neuropsychology, Dr. Leaf has developed a 5-step program to further demonstrate the effectiveness of mind-directed techniques to help relieve mental ill-health problems such as anxiety, depression, and intrusive thoughts.

Key points from our conversation:

🧠 Your brain is a physical part of you; your mind is what drives you. It is your "aliveness". It is the thing that generates energy through the brain itself giving us agency and a sense of control.

⛓️ In psychology, our mind is reflected through thinking, feeling, and choosing. They cannot be separated.

🤒 Every cell in the body is run by the mind. When we have a messy mind, we have a messy body which makes us vulnerable to illness.

⚠️ We need to look at mental health differently. Anxiety and depression are not illnesses. 100% of people battle with these feelings because they're normal reactions to adversity in life. They provide a warning signal of an underlying cause.

🥺 We've become too focused on the brain and the body, but not the underlying cause in the mind. If we teach it's okay to get anxious and depressed, that it's a normal response, it helps identify the root cause.

🌳 Thoughts look like trees in the mind. Thoughts have root memories and branch memories. Root memories are what's happening, the branches are the interpretation.

🔎 We need to recognize the emotional warning signal, be a thought detective and find the root of it, then uproot the thought by reconceptualizing how to best manage it.

Resources mentioned:

Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess Neurocycle app Cleaning Up the Mental Mess Podcast FREE empathetic listening printable

Connect with Caroline: website | Instagram | Facebook

You can find more resources about mental health, parenting, and coping with anxiety at MichelleNietert.com.

Please be sure to subscribe to the Raising Mentally Healthy Kids podcast on your favorite podcast player so you never miss an episode! And if this episode helped you we'd love it if you'd leave a review to help other parents find this resource.

And don't forget to join the conversation about raising mentally healthy kids with Michelle on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter!