Raising Our Champions

Julie is a wife of 38 years, a mom of eight children, an author, and a speaker.

She started out going to school for psych and then ended up being a voice for the local radio station. Her career started with radio and television. She always knew that the Lord would grow that and take that into all different routes. She has been passionate about communicating, writing, and speaking.

Raising an original is one of Julie’s books and the heart behind this book is centered around the idea that all of our children are unique with so many different needs. When Julie became a mom she felt the pressure that most parents feel to raise the most perfect children. If her children were perfect then it would make her look good. But the motive in this type of thinking doesn’t lead us to understanding Gods design for our kids. It leads us to try to create a mold for them to fit into so that they might appear to be good in societies eyes. This became her heartbeat as a mom. She wants other parents to know that they have the freedom to reject the lies and pressures the world puts on them to perform.

All of our kids are different and it isn’t something we need to try to fix. Looking at all of our kids helps us to understand God in different ways as all of our kids are different faucets of Him. Julie grew to be excited to learn more about each of her children’s differences as she raised all eight of them.

She says that if we will become anthropologists of our own home and learn to understand the heart of our children we will know them so much better. Her third child was having a hard time staying in his room for bed. Nothing was working for him. Through one lens of parenting it would be easy to think he was being disobedient because he wasn’t being complaint. But the second approach is learning to understand the child’s heart. She found that he was terrified of the dark and separation. Once she understood his core fears and needs she was able to go about things differently. He still needed to learn to sleep alone but now she had the right perspectives and tools as a parent who understands her child’s heart.

She says it isn’t always about their unwillingness or disobedience. Sometimes it’s about a core need that is missing that needs to be met. We have to be willing to lay down some of our agendas and motives as parents so that we can really tune into to each of our kids hearts.

Julie suggests that we use different tools wether it be personality tools or something else so that we can know the fears, motivators, and deep desires of each child. This will help us shepherd the gifts and calling of each child as we raise them individually. Generally people including our kids are either task oriented or relationally oriented. This is a good first initial step to understanding them and then going deeper into things.

More is caught than it is taught Julie says. When we are raising kids and want them to encounter and know the Lord then as a parent we want them to see us worshipping and praying. When they see it they will want it. Julie says that your kids better be catching you reading, worshipping, and praying. Kids desire authenticity so if they don’t see you walking the walk then they won’t care about what you have to say. Kids pick up on hypocrisy.

We also need to release our kids to go find their faith. The pressure isn’t on us to make our kids fit a certain mold when they launch from our homes. We need to honor their process. The process will lead our kids to their own relationship.

How does Julie stay sane with eight kids, work, and staying intentional with it all?

She honors the ebb and flow of life. Some days and some seasons go really well and she feels on top of the world whereas other days or seasons things seem to be a lot more difficult and depleting. Being okay with the fact that every season and every day won’t be perfect will allow for a peace and a grace on your life. You got out and did it! You showed up and went after your day and life even when it is hard.

All of these amazing insights and nuggets can be found in Julie Lyles Carr’s book “Raising an Original”. Grab your copy here: http://julielylescarr.com/raising-an-original

Also while you’re at it check out her newest release that is literally such a life changing pack of content. Grab it here: http://julielylescarr.com/footnotes

Taylor Paslay was adopted at birth and she grew up knowing all of her family, even her biological parents. She grew up in an amazing and healthy family. Adoption to her is so normal! Her and her brother were both adopted and that’s the life they always knew. Because of this Taylor has always had a passion to adopt children of her own. She now has three children. Two that are biological and then an 8 month old who was adopted from birth. They also received a call a few weeks ago and are moving into another open adoption with a little girl.

Taylor is a wife, mama, and also works with those wanting to adopt. Adoption is a part of every aspect of her life. The desire to adopt was birthed in her story. Her husband has also always had a desire to adopt. When they first met they connected right away knowing that they both desired to adopt. It has always been a core aspect of their marriage. They never knew when it would all happen, but God called them and spoke to them when it was time.

It took them 2 1/2 years to finish their adoptions but it was so worth it in the end. Taylor begin working to help people adopt half way through their own adoption process. She loves to help people walk through open adoptions because that has been such a positive and special part of her story. She loves helping people address their fears and concerns and finding hope in it all.

With three kids transitioning to four soon the Paslay family has learned the value and importance in intentionality. All of their kids receive love, discipline, and communication differently. The family has learned what is most important to each child and how they can meet their love needs in simple and small ways each day. One of her greatest goals is that every child feels loved and cared for at the end of the day. Practically they have monthly dates with each child where they get special one on one time with each parent.

When they set out on their adoption journey Taylor felt unprepared on what to do with mixing biological children with adopted children because it was so different from her upbringing. Ultimately God met her and gave her the help and guidance that she needed to navigate this season. The family did lots of training but God has been the main guide in their transracial adoptions.

The family has decided to involve their kids in every step of the way. They make the process age appropriate but they also want their kids to be a part of the real life journey of adoption. Life is hard and there are so many times that we fall down and in this process of adopting their kids got to see their parents falling yet letting God pick them up again. They got to watch their parents be vulnerable and give everything to Jesus. They learned from a young age that not everything goes perfectly but ultimately they can always trust God.

Their goal is to raise their children to be their adopted siblings biggest advocates. Teaching them that they are siblings through and through.

Taylor’s biggest piece of advice for people thinking about adopting is that fear is a nasty beast. There is so many unknowns but when we submit ourselves to truth we find peace even in the unknown. The first hurdle to overcome is learning to come to the understanding that you can. You can love your kids the same. You can raise enough money. You can take care of both biological and adopted children. The second hurdle is finances. God will not call you to something that He will not sustain you through. He will provide.

God pulls through for family every single time!

Don’t miss out on the joy that awaits you on the other side because of the hard stuff you’ll have to go through in the middle.

Faith is being willing to take the first step even when you can’t see the top of the staircase. There is a sovereign God who has worked everything out for you. He will take care of you in this process.

This tool is used to address toddlers as they make poor choices. Often times you don’t have enough time to teach your young kids everything that they can and cannot do before they start doing it all. This is a great way to begin showing them what you allow in your home and what you don’t.

UH oh song steps:

When they make a poor choice you respond with “Uh-oh looks like someone needs some time in their room.”

This is said with a calm and empathetic voice. This is not said with anger, sarcasm, or disrespect as a parent. You can learn to sing it if that helps you respond nicely and calmly.

Then ask them a few key choices that empowers them. Toddlers thrive off of choices.

“Do you want to walk to your room, or do you want me to carry you?”

Most every toddler will choose to walk on their own.

Then when they get to their room ask them:

“Do you want the door open or closed?”

If they don’t choose one of these two options when you are giving choices then you choose for them which will most likely look like carrying them and closing the door. Remember this is not angry. You are genuinely sad that they made a poor choice and you are happy to hep them learn for next time.

If they decide to leave the room before the set timer is up then you simply respond with:

“Uh oh looks like you chose door closed after all.” You can nicely close the door after placing them in their room for the remainder of the timer.

When the timer is done you can let them know:

“Feel free to come out when you are ready to be nice.”

This is not a time for you to now lecture your toddler. They will learn to tune you out at an early age if you do so. During this time explain to your toddler what they could do next time that would not result in time in their room.

Example: If they had thrown their food on the ground and you walked through the uh oh song steps then when they come out you could let them know that next time when their done eating they can say to you “Mama/Daddy I am all done eating, can I get down?.”

This sets them up for success next time. Your toddlers don’t know what to do until you teach them. Sometimes we jump to punishing them for things they just don’t understand how to do yet. Process before you act. Consequences are needed at times and explanations would be more helpful at other times.

The uh oh song removes the pressure from you trying to have to come up with new ways to teach your toddler when they make mistakes. It also allows you to stay calm. Parents that are able to stay calm raise children who are able to stay calm even when they are upset.

This tool also empowers your toddlers, helping them to learn what the repercussions of their choices good or bad will be. They grow up in a home where they are equipped to know right from wrong at an early age.

This is much different than sending your children to their room out of anger and frustration. Separation can cause fear and we know that there is no love in fear.

Having our kids take some quiet time in their room teaches them that deep breathes, thinking through their actions, and processing calmly are good ways in the future to handle all kinds of emotions and situations.

Be consistent with this. If you are consistent then your toddler only needs to hear uh oh and they will know exactly what comes next. Consistency will bring the breakthrough in their identity.

Remember that the goal is not to punish them for their mistakes. It is to call forth their identity and help them walk in who they were created to be. When this is your approach you will always be able to speak and act with grace and love.

Matt and Lisa are the founders of Club31women and Faithful man. They are in full time ministry as Pastors and bloggers/podcasters. Yet they also have 8 kids!!

Today we are going to talk about being intentional within the busyness of life. When you have kids all of the available time will be taken up. Wether you have two or eight kids they are time consuming.

As married couples we must establish our priorities. Often times couples become child focused over marriage focused. This can be unhealthy for our kids and damaging to our marriage. This won’t always show up right away but it will have a snow ball effect in our marriage if we don’t make it a priority.

Everything is on fire for a toddler. If we give them all the time they will take it all. If we want to raise up healthy children then we need to take our marriage seriously and make it the top priority.

Our kids don’t need our attention 100% of the time. We want to model to our kids that as a family mom and dad prioritize their marriage. Invest in your marriage and get away and go on dates. It is healthier for everyone in the long haul.

Decide you priorities. As a christian couple your priority should be to love each other well and to pursue each other. This will then lead to healthy parenting. Your kids won’t be missing out. They will receive the blessings of your healthy marriage.

Practically the Jacobsons have created and carved out a time every morning where they have coffee together as a couple. Their kids were invited to be there but they knew that it was their time as a couple and that they could be a part of it but not take away from it.

“This brought peace to our home because our kids knew that we were stable and in love. This helped them feel very secure.” -Jacobsons

Parents are often the victim of their children’s urgency. But we need to decide who is going to establish the culture in our homes. As parents we should establish the culture and then invite our kids into this. Kids who set the culture will not have a good set of boundaries. They will feel more secure and well rounded if they are invited into our culture that we set as parents.

Fight for your date nights! Share with your kids why your going out. Let them see what it looks like to fight for marriage and help them to understand the health behind pursuing each other after marriage. We are our kids greatest role models.

If we aren’t intentional then we will lose valuable time to less important things. We need to make sure our priorities are straight and that are time matches what we say are our priorities.

Go check out their podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/faithful-life/id1455150061

Follow them on social at: @club31women & @Faithfulman

The Smiths are authors of the book Marriage After God. They have huge blog ministries called husband revolution & unveiled wife. At the beginning of their marriage they had many struggles and wanted to be able to vulnerably walk through these times in community encouraging others going through the same situations. 

The mission behind their book:

God purposed marriage to go far beyond healthy and happy. 

God’s design is for you to chase after the extraordinary purposes He has for you and your marriage.

What are some of the challenges you guys have walked through?

“We are constantly going through seasons of adjustments and changes that cause us to need to navigate and communicate better.

We have been through every struggle on the board. Intimacy, financial, communication, etc.

If we know what we are supposed to be doing and our identity from Christ then we can filter every problem through that lens.” 

How can people identify when things aren’t going well? What can they do?

“Community was a huge aspect of us being able to find healing. Marriage isn’t always perfect and community helps encourage us and spur us on. 

When we have problems and we lose focus of our identity and our purposes then every problem seems much bigger than reality. When we center on Jesus we gain insights into what we should do next. 

We need to be able to see our marriage the way that God sees our marriage. 

Everything becomes much less painful when we focus on Jesus.”

What are common trials that you see marriages facing?

“A lot of issues stem from selfishness. 

The number one thing we see is sexual infidelity. Porn, affairs, emotional relationships, etc.

The bible leaves no rom for that and it causes so much destruction in marriage. 

We had to walk through the battle of pornography and it’s been three years of freedom now. 

People are trying to pursue happiness in their marriage when happiness is not the end goal.

Just because you aren’t happy doesn’t mean you chose the wrong person and need to give up. 

Our marriages should paint the picture that we are strong and that we remain even when things aren’t going well.

We would fight harder if we knew Gods true perspective and believed what the Bible says about marriage.

You can’t build a biblical marriage if you don’t read the bible. We need to have a personal relationship with Him.

Talk to us about the difference between the saying “you and me against the world.” and “you and me for the world.”

It’s not about us only getting what we want and just fighting for ourselves. 

It is about coming together in our marriage and asking God what we have to offer the world. 

Not so focused on self and more focused on loving and helping others. 

Not that you won’t ever have problems or need to take care of yourself but when you have a different focus your problems will shrink in comparison.

Becoming more selfless and less selfish.

Give them some love and check out their book & podcast below:

https://marriageaftergod.com/

https://marriageaftergod.com/category/marriage-after-god-podcast/

What are choices?

They are an empowering way to give your kids some control and some freedom in the relationship. You might be thinking that this sounds crazy. Why would we as parents want to give any control to our kids? Aren’t we supposed to have all the control as parents?

We see this answered in the beginning of the Bible when God created Adam and Eve and the two trees. One to eat from and one to leave alone. He was giving them the freedom to choose Him or to reject Him. Meaning that God doesn’t want us to be robots, He designed us to be able to have freedom to follow Him.

We still have authority as parents, but we don’t need to have all the control. Learning to model after the culture God created will change our home. We want our kids to be raised in an environment of freedom.

Taking all the control is like drawing a line in the sand and then daring them not to cross it. We’ve all seen it when our kids seem to only want to do the very things we have asked them not to do. This is because they are screaming for some freedom in our relationships!

This is applicable for all ages and all relationships. I don’t tell my spouse what to do all day and if I did we wouldn’t have a very healthy and connected relationship. It is the same with our children. Nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone who is telling them what to do all day long.

Why will choices benefit your home?

It teaches your kids to use critical thinking. They begin to think for themselves and take responsibility for their own actions. Rather than just being told what to do their whole life they are being offered choices that equip them to think for themselves. You get to empower your kids to become respectful and responsible adults! When they leave your house and you aren’t around to tell them what to do and what not to do they will know how to think for themselves. You want to raise them in a way that they don’t need you as caretakers after they leave.

Don’t worry you still get some of the control in the relationship when you offer choices, yet you are also giving some of the control. Allow the Lord to stretch you and make you uncomfortable in this.

You still get the obedience and outcome the you desire. You pick option A and B for your kids and then they get to choose from there. Your kids won’t be allowed to run all over you they actually will begin to have more respect for you. Kids tune out parents who just order them around with demands and commands.

Kids that have deep connections with their parents will obey them. We see this correlation with our relationship with Jesus. When we fall in love with Him we can’t wait to listen to Him, to follow Him, and to obey Him.

The more you foster your connection with your kids the more they will love, respect, and obey you without you even having to require it.

This is huge as your kids get older and have relationships, phones, and jobs. You’ll know you can trust them because you have built a connection with them. That connection leads them to honor and respect you even when you aren’t around.

How can you begin implementing choices?

Always give two options that lead to the same outcome. There is a third option that isn’t said but is known. The third option is that if they don’t choose or if they don’t pick one of your two options then you get to pick one.

“You choose or I choose.”

Examples:

“Do you want to walk to the car, or do you want me to carry you?”

“Do you want to do your homework before dinner, or after?”

“Do you want to unload the dishes, or take out the trash?”

“Feel free to watch your TV show after you’ve unloaded the dishes.”

“Feel free to go out with your friends after the homework is done.”

This engages them, allows them to think for themselves, and figure out what they want to do.

It also removes you from having to be the bad guy because they are now choosing for themselves meaning that they pick the consequences. If they choose to listen then they will receive the rewards at the end. If they don’t choose option A or B then they will receive the natural consequences the come with that. It will always lead to obedience.

Remember to never introduce sarcasm or anger. This will ruin your connection and it will also ruin what you have started doing by implementing choices. Watch your body language, eye contact, and tone of voice. Be loving and empathetic even when you are discipling them.

Try it out and let us know how it goes!

If you have specific questions email us at [email protected].

1:19 Jeremy shares his story about overcoming cancer and pain

1:50 God makes good out of everything we go through

3:23 God is with us in it all

4:40 Overcoming and seeing miracles takes place

5:56 Encouraging young people all around the world

7:43 Coming of age events

8:22 Sixteen is a transitional age for kids becoming adults

8:59 Gaining more responsibility

9:40 Our kids need to know that they have what it takes

10:00 Passing on the baton

10:35 Connecting and protecting

11:54 Having people come alongside our kids as they step into adulthood

13:32 Blessings and words of promise and destiny

14:39 Get a mentor!

15:24 Resources to do a coming of age event

-for men and women

17:23 When our kids know how God sees them and how others see them they begin to excel

18:07 Inviting our older kids to begin living as an adult

18:38 Jeremy introduces his group coaching http://jeremynicks.com/

Click connect on this site!

20:05 Prayer of blessing

00:40 Kim Cross introduces herself and how she got started with her parenting trusting (re-think parenting)

2:11 Began training teachers, parents, and school executives 

2:38 Been a parenting coach for 35 years 

3:11 How do kids learn and how do they not learn?

3:40 3 ways lids learn

1. Example (through us as parents)

2. Experience (learning from mistakes)

3. Empathy with consequences 

7:42 What hinders them from learning?

8:20 If your kids aren’t in learning mode they are in flight or fight mode 

9:38 What happens if you aren’t hard on your kids? 

11:00 What are some phrases that parents can use when discipline their kids? 

-Respond don’t react

11:56 Delay the consequence to think it over

12:12 The more words you use the less effective you are 

13:13 What is the goal of of disciplining our kids? 

17:02 How can people grow from what you do?

00:42 We believe the lie that we need to be perfect

1:34 Vulnerability invites our kids to be vulnerable 

2:30 Show your kids how to take ownership for their mistakes 

3:03 Creating a culture in your home 

3:40 Your kids don’t want you to be perfect

3:57 Your kids will respect you more

4:24 The more vulnerable you are with them the deeper your connection will be with your kids 

5:02 Your kids will learn what you do when you are angry, frustrated, and stressed 

5:58 Our kids need to see us respond to things in healthy ways 

7:07 Allowing our kids in to see our mess and how we clean it up

8:08 Apologize where it’s due

Looking for more? Here is a free 5 part eCourse on the difference between discipline vs punishment bit.ly/2Y0tJvt

Show Notes

1:15 Why has the church struggled to engage culture?

4:16 How to influence the friends your kids hang with^

6:40 Thorough two sided conversations.

8:00 what content should we allow our kids to watch?

9:15 Phone check ins each night.

11:40 how to have crucial conversations about sex, drugs, and alcohol

14:00 Check out their website https://www.livinginmysweetspot.com/