Randomness Inside My Head

For every meeting there will be

Farewell, leaving this deep hole

In my heart, a great disbelief that

Time has stopped, moments have

Ended, and all I have now is

Memories

Of what, who, where, and when.

I’m just terrible at not grieving.

김석주 선생님께,

한국어를 공부하기가 너무 힘들지만 저는 감사하고 있어요.

건강하고 행복하고 안녕히 계세요.

Mother, how I miss you to be my

Strong fortress, the warm embrace

Which are always willing to take

Me in whenever, however stubborn

And persistent I am about declaring

How fine and okay I am, although

Deep inside (and you know it) my

Heart is broken into pieces and I

Cry over my ugly reflection on

The shattered bits of glass.

May I not think of kitchen and

Stove and apron and knife today?

May I not think of whom

To please today?

2021년 10월 28일부터 11월 4일까지의 숙제이었습니다. Bonus: my youngest baby being whiny 😄.

He never wants to leave, but he knows

That he’s full of limitation: his time, his

Space, his patience; he can never give

Them all to someone even in the name

Of love and loyalty and a promise until

Death do his part. He is also aware

That the other person might leave

Him first and how will it define him?

Dispensable? Replaceable? Temporary?

Boring? Not worthy enough to make

Someone stay? Forgettable? Or what?

She passed away when the weather

Turned nice. She passed away when I was

Not ready to bid her farewell. She passed

Away taking half of my heart with her.

She passed away leaving me grieving

Even years after she was engulfed to earth,

Tormented by regrets for putting off to

Visit her sick self until she wouldn’t

Wait for me anymore and decided to

Leave. She passed away and I am

Still hurting until now. I miss you, Bou.

I learned that without any expectations

I turn out to be okay, relationships

Don’t falter, and nobody feels neither

Insufficiency nor alienation nor jealousy.

I learned that without relying on nobody

Everybody will feel self-sufficient and

Interactions will not be shadowed by

Demands and regrets for what the other party

Should be and should have been doing.

The only regret is mine for not having

Learned this sooner, realized this earlier

So I was trapped inside the webs of

Weariness that I actually made myself, but

Blamed the others for putting me there.

I miss the childhood of eating crackers

While sitting on the swing, right before

The sun set and the fireflies appeared.

We got bitten by mosquitos; they drank

Blood and sweat. We had marred skins

With nailmarks. We had scrapped

Knees. We had ice cream dripping

Down our chins. We had our favorite

TV show right at seven PM, one hour

Before we were told to go to bed. We

Had our bikes to wander around the

Ripe rice fields. We had our own tools

To steal our neighbor’s mangoes. We

Were playing outside right until our

Parents called us to dinner. We quickly

Took a shower because of the said

Favorite tv show. We quickly finished

Our homeworks before it got too dark

And it hurt our eyes to read and write

Under the candle light. In every way

We were happy.

And finally the words slipped out

Of your thin lips, the gorgeous line

Which always made me smile.

“We could have been….

It should have been….”

And even over the crowd behind my

Back, I could still hear your last

Word, loud and clear.

“…me.”