The first official episode with Davey and Noi being reunited once again on air, as they regale one another with tales of conquest. I regret to inform the listeners that, at roughly the halfway point, the episode devolves into a lackluster and utterly boring online Risk match. At that point, we ask you to please recite the following words to ceremoniously commence our game:
First and foremost, we thank the Gods of Risk for blessing us in their almighty wisdom as we attack and defend. Second, we enumerate the laws of gentlemen by which all human players are inextricably bound and beholden to:
Rule 1- Continents
Article I: No un-held continent can be owed to any player unless an agreed upon deal dictates it.
Article II: As soon as a player controls the entirety of a continent, other players must allow them to collect their first continent bonus.
Article III: Australia and South America continent bonuses are protected until the player who controls either one collects a bonus for a second continent.
Rule 2- Assassination Moves
Article I: Players who do not own a continent this turn may be targeted and hunted down at will to the point of assassination (i.e. eliminating a player from the game).
Article II: Players in control of a protected continent may only be hunted down if the attacking player declares they are attempting an assassination move.
Article III: Once an assassination move is declared and the defending player acknowledges it, the move is irrevocably initiated.
Article IV: If the defending player even so much as possesses one troop anywhere on the map at the end of an assassination mover’s turn, the defender automatically wins the game.
Rule 3- Voluntary and Involuntary Quits
Article I: When a player states “I motion a restart,” (or any other synonymous phrase) and the other player responds, “I second the motion,”(or any other synonymous phrase)all players are entitled to quit at no penalty.
Article II: If a player’s internet causes them to lose connection to the game, they are entitled to a restart.
Article III: If a player’s device runs out of battery, the bot may take over for them for one turn, but if they do not rejoin the game by their next turn or the bot violates a rule, they forfeit the game.
Article IV: If a player for any reason must leave the game, the other player is entitled to one free restart that must be claimed by turn two.
Rule 4- Deals
Article I: A player may say “I’d like to make a deal.” They must describe their offer, what the other player must do in return, and by what turn. If the other player says, “that’s a deal,” the deal must be carried out in exactly the way it was worded or the violator forfeits the game.
Article II: The actions required to carry out an agreed upon deal always trump other articles hitherto mentioned.
Rule 5: Sudden Death
Article I: Sudden death is when the game comes down to the final two players. This is when gentlemen revert to beasts and all rules hitherto laid out are nullified.
We hold these rules to be the chains that bind beasts and make for a true gentlemen’s game. Welcome to another glorious Risk match. Good luck, have fun, and may the Risk Gods be with us all.
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