raw hearts real healing

queen of hearts — episode six in this episode, i talk about the lead-up to zion’s first surgery and one of the scariest incidents we experienced while waiting. zion was given morphine through his iv rather than intramuscularly, and afterwards he began having brady episodes. all we could really do was wait and hope the effects wore off, while i watched his heart rate keep dropping. at the same time, he was also having what they were calling tet spells. from my own previous experience of seeing the effects of morphine, what i was watching felt frighteningly familiar — his breathing seemed depressed, and i could see his heart rate going low, low, low.

in this episode, i talk about the first weeks at home after zion’s first discharge and what it was like being part of the home monitoring programme. then one day during his checks, his numbers were low and everything changed very quickly. zion and i had to leave by ambulance for starship, while the community nurse stayed with river and jasmine until my aunt could get there. there wasn’t even time for me to wait with the kids before we left. everything happened so fast, and in that moment, it was seriously so scary.

queen of hearts — episode four

in this episode, i talk about the emotional weight of being separated from my children, how that experience connected with old abandonment wounds, and the overwhelming moment of finally being reunited with them.

then we move into zion’s birth. i share the fear i carried going into labour, knowing that giving birth wasn’t the part i was afraid of — it was everything that could happen afterwards.

and somewhere in the middle of all that fear, my waters broke in a moment that felt like the parting of the red sea.

queen of hearts — episode three in this episode, i talk about the days leading up to birth — early labour signs, being sent back and forth from hospital, and feeling like i had to convince people that i knew my own body.

i also speak about how hard it was being away from my children, the emotional weight of suddenly having space to process everything, and the gratitude i still carry for the people at ronald mcdonald house who supported us through such an uncertain time.

this was the waiting period before everything changed.

queen of hearts — episode two

in my fourth pregnancy, everything changed at the 20-week anatomy scan. what started as a routine appointment became the beginning of learning that my baby had a complex heart condition.

in this episode, i talk about being presented with medical termination, holding onto hope, and eventually receiving the diagnosis of tricuspid atresia with vsd and pulmonary stenosis.

this is the beginning of our journey into the single ventricle world

queen of hearts — episode one in this first episode, i’m sharing the story of my first three pregnancies and three very different birth experiences — from an emergency c-section after discovering my baby had iugr, to navigating labour with birthing affirmations, and eventually having an en caul home water birth. these are the first chapters of the story that eventually led to raw hearts real healing — and there’s still one more birth story to tell..