Read it and Weep

There’s only one movie that Mystery Science Theater 3k said was too bad even for them.  Fortunately for them, they never had to watch the inevitable film adaptation of of Fifty Shades of Grey.  Like our other experiences with movies commonly considered to be the worst, Manos was surprisingly fun.

Somewhere in the Texas desert, a family of amateur actors stumbles on a hand-themed sorority with a meth-head-butler and a guy with a mustache who orders everybody around.  After some arguing and a brief chase scene, mustache forces the meth head and the male actor to switch places.  Thus is Manos: The Hands of Hands.

We try to determine our own fate by discussing our love for, and the tragedy of, Torgo.  Never has a minor character so stolen the show as this loveable sader.  We also try to summarize the movie in under 10 words and fantasize about a Downton Abbey / Manos mash-up.

If there’s one nice thing to say about Fifty Shades of Grey it’s that it has a happy ending.  The two characters who have nothing in common (except for a burning feeling in their junk) do not end up together.  For that one page, there is something to celebrate.

Unfortunately it took us another 500 pages of them not breaking up before we could get there.  So for another episode we stumble through the gross, uncomfortable, inane sex and sex talk of Christian Grey and Anna Steel.  There’s a glider flight, some more stalking, somebody hits somebody with a belt.  I don’t remember.  But it was boring.  I can tell you that.

Thanks to Drew and Jen who sent us a cleaned up version of part of the book that we read for all the kids in the audience.

There are a few sentences I never thought I’d hear myself utter. “I’m not really in the mood for ice cream.” “I’m so glad to hear you’re a fan, Mr. President.” And most importantly, “This book is worse than Twilight.”

Fifty Shades of Grey began its life as Twilight erotic fan fic. And at some point, the author decided it should be a book of its own. So she changed the names, took out the vampires, and streamlined it into pure porno. Even that’s not fair, because sometimes porno has plot and character development, which this book doesn’t. Also, pornography treats women better.

Anastasia Steele is a 21 year-old clumsy virgin. By chance she meets Christian Grey, a 27 year-old sexual predator and business magnate who wants to make her his sex slave. Since he’s the first attractive man to be nice to her, Ana thinks this is an okay way to be treated. While they’re determining the parameters of their BDSM relationship, they have lots of vanilla (which is a delicious flavor) sex. And then they talk about the sex they had or are going to have next. Then they have some sex. And then they talk about it. Turns out, it’s the worst.

To get some perspective, we bring back Sarah Wendell, she of the book about romance novels. Even she couldn’t get through this one. That should tell you something.

Hush little baby, don’t say a word.  Daddy’s going to disappear leaving a gaping hole in your life that can only be filled by dating a man who don’t treat you well.  And 80% of the way through the book you’ll find out that man’s a fallen angel.

Let’s face it, we’re all living in a post-Twilight world.  Everybody and their love triangle is writing young adult romance about a new guy at school with a secret.  Hush, Hush just another in the line of book series about such a new guy.  This one just happens to be about an angel, which you don’t know for a really long time except that you saw the cover of the book so you were pretty sure.  It’s not better or worse than Twilight, because it’s exactly the same book.

The only redeeming thing about this book is nothing.  Thanks a lot, Sarah, for sponsoring this and forcing us to read it.

My Little Pony raises some difficult questions.  Why are some ponies magical unicorns, others are flying Pegasuses, and some are just small horses?  Why does the princess unicorn get to decide where everybody lives and what they do for a living?  Why do they keep baby dragons as slaves?  Because they’re ponies, is the only answer, and pony life isn’t fair.

It’s not all bad in Ponyville, however.  Every day is a holiday; there are more feasts and parties than residents.  And every 22 minutes, all the problems of the day have been solved, no matter what.  Sure, some of the problems don’t make much sense, like ponies having to clear out winter while raccoons and squirrels get to sleep in their dens.  But there’s always a solution to be found and a lesson to be learned, even if that lesson is “I’m so glad I’m not a pony.”

Despite its flaws, there is a certain charm to My Little Pony. It’s sincere, cute, and occasionally funny.  One of the main characters is dumb as manure, and that’s always fun.  There’s a foppish river dragon with half a mustache.  It’s fine.  It’s not good as good as you’d expect, given the fact that everypony on the Internet has a poner for it, but it’s a pleasant ride.

Before there were drawn out elections for national leaders, with debates and attack ads, people did things the easy way.  The king was the man who pulled a magical sword forged by a river maiden out of a large rock.

Don’t let the delightful premise fool you.  Excalibur is not a happy romp through medieval legend with occassional squirrel-mating, like in the Disney movie.  No.  It’s an epic of awkward sword fighting in armor, incestuousness, fog machines, and metal skull caps.  It’s filmed in the forests of Ireland and despite having some great actors, is mostly just weird.

Avery Monsen joins us in our confusion about the plot, tells us about his dreams, and is charming and fun as always.  He’s got a new book out called All My Friends Are Still Dead and it’s delightful.  Go buy it now.

Thanks to Nancy for sponsoring this episode!

In 1997, James Cameron made a movie. In 1999, when the third act was finally over, people went home pissed.

If there was one thing you might suggest was wrong with Titanic, you might say “the dialog” or “the pacing.”  You might even say something like “the characters aren’t believable.”  In fact, you could probably list problems for hours before you’d come to “it was only in 2D.”  Well, Cameron decided to fix only that “problem” in his release to mark the centennial of the worst disaster to ever lead to a movie with Kate Winslet’s nipple in it.

Fortunately, the best parts of the movie remain as well: the aforementioned nipple, Kate Winslet’s face, her figure in a period dress, and everything about Leo DiCaprio except his acting.  Really, there are worse ways to spend 7.5 hours than watching Titanic 3D.  But I wouldn’t recommend them.

Oh!  I almost forgot.  This episode also contains an interview with Titanic expert and author of The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane, Katherine Howe.  For the first time, we get to interview the author of a book WE MADE FUN OF!  Besides being a terrific human being, she’s also got a new book out that has Titanic elements and themes in it.  So please go out and buy The House of Velvet and Glass.

Sarah Palin is the subject of much scorn from the liberal media; they call her stupid, dishonest, crazy, and extremist.  This movie sets out to defend her by being all those things and also boring.

Stephen K. Bannon’s film watches like a Sarah Palin stalker film.  She doesn’t appear in it voluntarily, but instead he uses her audiobook to provide narration AS IF she was helping with the movie.  Then, he uses hundreds of stock-footage clips to make up the visuals, thus managing to produce the entire thing with iMovie and a membership to istockphoto.com.  The slap-dash production only adds to the insane feeling of the whole project, but the crowning achievement of the movie is completely skipping over the fact that her and Senator John McCain lost the election in 2008.  It focuses on her time as governor and her popular campaign appearances, but then takes an abrupt lunch break during results time.

In the year 2 thousand and a while from now, a tyrannical government keeps its people in line by forcing their children to fight to the death, showing those fights on TV, and by using shaky cameras and quick cuts to make sure everybody watching will be a bit sick.

But the future isn’t all bad.  Novelty facial hair abounds, the food looks pretty tasty, and there’s plentiful high speed rail.  Even the death matches aren’t all bad; the kids are beautiful and have great make-up that doesn’t smudge even during the fiercest battles.

Since the movie was pretty good, we decided to invert our normal format.  We start and end with a hate sandwich and play a compliment game in the middle.  We also bring back Gabi Moskowitz, the editor-in-chief of Broke Ass Gourmet, the blog and cook book about eating great on a tight budget, and ask her questions about the future of food.  And cooking with land mines.

Apparently Adam Sandler looked at the Clumps movie and thought “what if I played my sister in a movie? Wouldn’t that be great?”  No, Adam.  It isn’t great. This movie stinks like the poop jokes you filled it with.

Adam Sandler plays the boy-half of two fraternal twins and then puts on a wig and plays the girl-half too.  As twins, they’re nearly identical: they both look like Adam Sandler and neither is any way funny.  The two go through some trials and tribulations, most of which are fart related. Eventually Al Pacino sings a rap song about a coffee beverage, proving that the one talent Sandler has is getting important people to be in a crappy movie.

Joining us is Daily Show writer and host of the Flophouse Podcast Dan McCoy. He is, as ever, delightful.