Read it and Weep

J.D. Salinger captured the angst of his age.  Unfortunately, he created a whole new angst for generations of high schoolers that came after.  Just like Mrs. Randolph did when I was in 12th grade, the fans forced us to read Catcher in the Rye.

You’d think reading a good book would disrupt the normal flow of this podcast, but it really doesn’t.  Alex finds something not to like and picks fights with the guest.  Chris and Ezra are funny and smart but nobody can remember which is which.  A guest who is smart is forced to discuss taints. It’s really a very standard episode, just with a better text book.

Fox has always answered the tough questions.  Who is the next American Idol?  What would happen if some people got lost on an Island and then nothing made sense for six seasons?  What would happen if some of the most annoying kids in high school were played by 30 year old broadway stars?

If you’ve always wanted to know the answer to that last one, Glee is the show for you.  A group of super attractive and talented “misfits” fight for social survival through the power of pop songs, covered by Broadway singers and available on iTunes for a small fee.  They sing, they dance, they go to New York to sing and dance, they put purple pianos around the school and then sing and dance.  They have crazy love triangles that can only be solved by singing and dancing.

Since the show is so low concept, we decide to go the other way by creating some high concepts of our own: “unflinchingly neutral” “orchestral Gulag”, and the ingenious “outuendo.”  Want to know more?  Then strap in for a gleediculous ride.

Just look at her mask. You see how crappy that is? How it’s weird and you’re not sure why anybody thought it was a good idea? That’s the whole movie right there.

In 2004, the woman of cat was split off from the Batman franchise, hoping to start a girl-kicking-ass super hero series of it’s own. The only thing that got in the way was dreadful screen writing, stupid jokes, a nonsensical plot, bad acting, a confusing back story, a boring love interest, cheap looking CG, unlikable characters, a lack of onscreen chemistry, and a ridiculous villain. And probably a few other things.

Fortunately we skewer this movie and answer some big questions: Would cat zombies still be cute? Yes. What sport would be the cutest for cats to play? Rugby. Is Chris racist? Probably.

Kids are so adorable.  They ask questions we aren’t brave enough to and they can’t tell the difference between dreams and reality.  Small town pastors are so adorable.  They comfort people in their community and can’t tell the difference between their kids’ dreams and reality.  And they write books about it.

When he was only 3-years-old, Colton Burpo had emergency surgery for a ruptured appendix.  While under general anesthesia, he had a dream he went to heaven and Jesus won’t let him have a sword and there were multi-colored unicorns.  His dad believed it was real and, with help from the ghost writer of Going Rogue, writes a boring book about it.

We interview pediatric emergency specialist Dr. Brian about these events and, because we’re children ourselves, poop and wangoplasty.  And lastly, Jesus looks a lot like Kenny Loggins.

Since the fall of Rome, things for Italy haven’t been so hot.  Things are about to get even worse as the cast of Jersey Shore has washed up on the beaches of Florence, ready to run amok.  Hide your bambinos, hide your donnas.

After a glorious first couple of days trying to figure out the European streets, cabs, phones, and power outlets, the cast of New Jersey’s most disgusting export gets back down to business.  Drinking, screwing, and fighting.  While The Situation tries to three-some the two-some from Florida (twins!), Ron and Sammi get together and break up, Deena falls down a lot, and Pauly D and Vinny continue to be likable and amusing.

Don’t be surprised if these are the last Americans ever welcome in the beautiful nation of Italia.

Good evening and welcome to the worst book ever written, with your host, Spineless McWhinesAlot.  That’s right, it’s the second half of Stehpenie Meyer’s “The Host” and it’s like the first part except the sappy ending you’ve been expecting for hundreds of pages actually happens in this half.

Rather than flounder around the world of science fiction alone, we called in backup from author David Barr Kirtley of The Geek’s Guide to the Galaxy on io9.  He’s a heavy hitter with a passion for the genre so we throw the dumbest questions we can think of about the dumbest book we could find.  We even convince him to write a vampire romance novel on the one condition we can raise $1 billion.

It’s been a long journey (for Wanderer and for us) but at least we’re done and we can go back to watching Jersey Shore with it’s no-host bar.

What do you get when you take an annoying Bella clone and stuff it full of feelings and a parasitic alien? Boredom! Love triangles! Lava tubes! And further proof that Twilight wasn’t a fluke: Stephenie Meyer really can’t write.

Tanya from #92 – The Royal Wedding is back for more awesome as we introduce a new game: Fun or Not, where we weigh in on three-legged races, cooperative sandwich-making, and sexual relations with ice sculpting-bears.

Also in this episode:

Have you ever not wanted to throw something away? Does it sound fun to collect your favorite things? How about living in a house with no heat with piles of your used adult diapers? No? Then that’s where you differ from the people on Hoarders.

This is by far the saddest show on reality TV this side of 16 and Pregnant. There’s a sad woman who collects dolls, an angry man who collects toys, and an eccentric inventor who fills his 150-acre wildlife preserve with used cars. Actually, that last guy was kinda fun. But the rest of it is just terrible to watch. It makes you want to wash out your eyeballs and then throw them away because you’ve clearly been hoarding them.

Joining us for the first time since the 4-Hour Body is fan-favorite Colleen, a connoisseur of reality TV.

Also in this episode:

Highlander II: The Quickening is the rare sequel that’s so much worse than the original that the series pretends like it never happened.

Chistropher Lambert and John C. McGinley race to the bottom for the worse voice ever, Sean Connery hits on women in the creepiest way ever, and Michael Ironside blows up a hobo for no reason.

By far the movie’s biggest problem, however, was that the production’s insurance company assumed creative control of the film. Don’t believe what you’ve heard: just because you’re good at insurance, doesn’t mean you’re the next Brett Ratner. Actually, maybe that’s exactly what that means.

Luckily we have a lot of help. Kseniya and Matt from I Love Bad Movies bring their enthusiasm, wit, and for some reason, a willingness to sit through Highlander II.

Also, Lightening Bonus Round! (ding)

Welcome to the exciting conclusion of The Hunger Games! Death! Romance! Lamb stew with plums!