A lot of people ask me what the opposite of confidence is. On some level I think they already know the answer isn’t insecurity or a lack of self-esteem otherwise why ask the question. 

And they’re right. The opposite of confidence is neither of those things. 

It’s guilt. 

Guilt is quite a tool. Most often we think of it as a tool other people use against us. My mother likes to say, “I didn’t know your phone was broken,” to guilt me into calling more often. 

In those situations, when someone’s bullying us, guilt can feel bad, stir up feelings of shame or worthlessness. And I have some things to say about that, too. 

But sometimes guilt can be good. I don’t mean that it makes us feel good, but that it’s a sign that we’ve violated our own values, needs and wants.

When we can recognize that, then we also recognize that just like confidence, guilt is a choice. We can wallow in it, or we can use it to address what we did – or didn’t do – and come back to what’s most important to us and then act from THAT place. 

Listen in to learn how to spot the different flavors of guilt and what you can do when you feel the weight of it pulling you down, so that the next time it shows up you can rise up confidently to face it.

Any St. Jerome fans here? Saint who, you’re probably thinking but you may be familiar with some famous words of his: 

Good, better, best. Never let it rest. ‘Til your good is better and your better is best. 

But living inside a culture obsessed with overnight success and a social media landscape that lures us into the self-comparison trap, many of us stop before we even start, well, anything new or different. 

It’s like if we aren’t already The Best, why bother trying, right? And yet there are some people who seem to have cracked the code. By all appearances it looks like mastery – being the best – comes easy to them. 

Not exactly true.

My guest on this episode of Real Confidence has won awards, received accolades and set records that would cause anyone’s jaw to drop. And more interesting still, you wouldn’t think that filmmaking, scuba diving or racing in a Veladrome are connected in any way.

But they are. 

So, if you’ve been holding yourself back from pursuing your real passion, changing careers or exploring a different way of being in the world, you’re going to want to listen to the conversation Jeff Seckendorf and I had about what it takes to be your best. 

Highlights include:

Jeff Seckendorf is a life-long adventurer, filmmaker, and educator – flight instructor, scuba instructor trainer, mentor to scores of up and coming film directors, and instructor for hundreds of film workshops. Learn more about Jeff at jeffreyseckendorf.com.

Relatives, friends, strangers, colleagues, bosses, store clerks, customer support reps. People who intimidate us come in all shapes and disguises. And it doesn’t matter if they’re in a position of authority or sitting across from us at the dinner table: interacting with them leaves us feeling less than, not good enough or otherwise awful. 

Is it better or worse when you know you’re going to see someone who intimidates you? Probably better.

When you anticipate seeing that person, at a holiday gathering or a meeting, you’re going to worry. If you remember the movie Monsters, Inc. it's like going to visit Roz in accounting, right? You know they're going to say something that makes you feel lousy, that's just not going to be welcoming or inclusive. You might be full of angst, but you know what’s coming.

It’s when you don’t anticipate the encounter and you’re unprepared that things get majorly uncomfortable. This “sneak attack” is very, very, very disarming, discomforting and horrendously stressful. In this situation, everything is lined up for us to respond directly from our fear-abiding lizard brain. 

Whether expected or unexpected, that’s what happens when we’re faced with someone who intimidates us. It’s part of being human in a world of other human beings. 

Short of avoiding those people altogether – tempting, but impossible by the way – there are measures you can take to regain your composure, manage your emotions and gain back whatever power your brain thinks you’ve lost. 

Listen in to this episode to learn what they are so the next time someone makes you quake in your boots or question yourself, you tame that trigger and respond as your best self.

One of my favorite things about the podcast is when everything clicks with a guest. That’s what happened when I got together with Rahul Karan Sharma, author of Habits 4 Miracles, to talk about how we can leverage the power of neuroplasticity at any age to experience confidence and create new habits. 

If you’re here for the first time thinking, yeah right, I’m not sure about this and I’m to old to start now? We’re here to tell you it’s not too late and you’re never too old.

There are hundreds if not thousands of books on the subject of habits, a lot of them fall into the “so what” category or send the message that productivity is only the path to fulfillment. Rahul takes a different approach, one that intersects with the work I do at the Institute grounded in values, needs, and wants, which together form the foundation for making confident choices. 

He and I could have talked for hours, but this episode is an enlightening and encouraging 20 minutes or so. 

Highlights from our conversation include:

Rahul Sharma transitioned from a 20+ year corporate career to inspiring others towards excellence and high performance. Believing that if there is a will, there is a way, Rahul has dedicated his entire adult life to proving that one mind shift can make all of the difference. To learn more about Rahul and his gem of book, Habits 4 Miracles, visit www.habits4miracles.com.

Irving Berlin is known for saying “Life is 10 percent what you make it and 90 percent how you take it.” The same could be said for words, although how we take them – their impact on us or others – is probably closer to 100 percent. 

Yes, we have dictionary definitions to fall back on, but I believe the true power of words lies in our personal associations with them. Maybe that’s why I spend a good third of my cognitive energy stores on choosing the right ones to speak, write and share. 

Because what a particular word means to me, may carry a completely different message for you and lately, I’ve seen this play out again and again. 

Words like “kind”, “shameless,” and even my beloved “confidence” can be taken – or received - as a compliment or criticism. 

These words - which incidentally, are all words we can think of as ways to describe a person’s character or personality -  are highly nuanced. Delivered with or without thoughtfulness, they can be clues or hints as to what rattles or rallies our confidence in the moment. 

But when we’re certain enough about our values, needs and wants these trickster words become a little easier to navigate and we’re better able to stay grounded in and own our personal truth. And that kind of “ownership” may be one of the most confident things we do for ourselves and everyone around us. 

Listen in as this self-proclaimed word wonk unpacks the labels and phrases that trip me up and what I do to remember that real power - and confidence - comes from within.

I’d say every 10th podcast pitch or so I get is from somebody who uses the word “unstuck”. They want to help the world and people to get unstuck. It’s noble and for some, you might say a calling, but it’s talked about so much that I tend to avoid it. 

Until now. 

When I connected with CK Collins, otherwise known as Kelly, author of The Swipe Right Effect: The Power to Get Unstuck, her story and her wisdom were something I had to bring to our audience.

This state of being we refer to as “being stuck” is often reduced to situations where we can’t make a decision, can’t motivate ourselves to move forward and leave a job or relationship. We’re “stuck” in place. 

What we’re talking about in this episode of Real Confidence is stuck with a capital S. When upheaval and trauma leave us immobilized, mired in grief and anger and pain. When we’re STUCK in that place between what life was like before and can’t see, never mind move toward, “the after”. 

No one person’s way out will be another’s. Not exactly. But there’s something we can all learn from the connection Kelly made between forgiveness and confidence that’s why I’m sharing this conversation with you today.

C.K. Collins, aka Kelly, was an award-winning publisher and owner of a hyperlocal news publishing company in the Nashville area. She sold her company and retired from the industry in 2021. Her divorce following a 31-year marriage led her to completely up-end her life and start over. Believing that travel feeds the soul and grows the heart and mind, Kelly embarked on a two-year travel sabbatical to write her first book. Learn more about Kelly and her book, the Swipe Right Effect, at ckcollins.co. 

I’m going to call BS on something we probably all heard as kids: sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. 

I know we were all taught this rhyme to shut bullies up, but words do matter, and we don’t always appreciate how much.

Especially when they’re coming out of our mouths and we mean well – we truly do – but how they land has the opposite effect.

I’m as guilty of this as anyone. And it took me a really long time to realize how my good intentions could take someone’s confidence down instead of building it up, not just because of what I said, but how I said it and in what context. 

I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve zeroed in on five phrases that have the ability to kill our confidence when we hear them, and kill someone else’s when we say them. 

These phrases seem benign but even when they’re offered in the spirit of support or helpfulness, can create fear. Fear of failure, regret or rejection – the three fears that really make us all question our confidence. 

Listen in to find out what the phrases are, what you can say instead and/or respond confidently when someone says them to you. That way we can all try and be a little more compassionate to ourselves and to other people who do intend well, but don't always have the right words to tell us.

There’s a certain magic that happens when we coach someone on confidence at the Institute. We experience it regularly in our coaching certification practica and in our Pitch workshops and even informally, in casual conversations outside the coaching bubble. 

It’s not supernatural or mystical by any means, but it IS powerful. 

So often, maybe even 99% of the time, the confidence problem we think we have isn’t the one we need to solve so we can move forward. It’s the “problem behind the problem”.

I’ll give you an example: A lot of people come to me wanting to feel more confident about their presentation skills. They hate presenting. When I say to them, “Okay, so don’t present. Problem solved,” they freak out a little bit. 

Because if presenting were the actual problem, they wouldn’t freak out when I say that – they’d feel some relief instead and go on their way. 

But that little freak out interrupts the story they’re telling themselves about their presentation skills and opens up some space in their brains for us to get to the heart of the matter together. 

What are they really struggling with? What are they scared of? What’s the real source of the fear?

Then we’re able to work on the next right step they can take to gain control of their brains and start moving toward what they want and if you’ve been following my work for a while you already know what I’m about to say: this process is effective because confident isn’t what you think – it’s HOW. 

In this episode, I take special guest Eti Moskowitz, one of ACI’s confidence coaches, through the process to find out what’s holding her back from showing the world what a talented and devoted coach she is. 

I hope you’ll listen in and hear the magic for yourself.

In talking with a friend recently, I was stunned when she told me she was totally overwhelmed but was completely uncomfortable asking for help. 

I was like, what? I guess because I ask for help all the time and it doesn't faze me. But I was perplexed and asked her to elaborate a little bit more on how and why she felt that way. She replied that the way she was brought up it was not okay to ask for help.  Asking for help shows you were weak, incapable or failing. Instead, she was told to buck up, just persevere, get through it, deal with it, figure it out. 

And that was the way her brain and her behavior subsequently worked. 

My beautiful friend has gone through some major life trauma so even more, we all want to support her in any way.  And I don't just mean emotionally, but help with extra hands or heads to handle home and life. She's now a single mom raising four kids, managing a household, trying to stay connected to other family and friends. But she doesn’t feel ‘entitled’ to ask for help and instead thinks well, if I ask for help, I’m taking advantage, setting a bad example or admitting I am incompetent. 

No. No. No. 

Absolutely not. 

And then I said something to her, and her face lit up. Her behavior not only changed but her confidence shot through the roof. Wanna know what? Well…you’re going to have to listen to this episode!

But I’ll drop a small spoiler: I give three points of specificity you can use not only when you ask for help, but when you offer to help someone else so that everyone on both sides of the conversation feels really good about what’s being given and what’s being received. 

I was taught to schmooze. You know what I mean, even if you don’t speak Yiddish: I can walk into any room, anywhere and strike up a conversation with anyone about anything. 

Sometimes those conversations turn out to be meaningful and other times it’s just a bunch of polite chit chat or small talk. 

But it wasn’t until I spoke to this week’s guest, Michelle Tillis Lederman, that it really hit me that not only are not all conversations created equal, but in most of these cases I was conversing versus connecting.

What’s the difference exactly?

Connecting is more than an exchange of information, it’s learning about another person and allowing them to learn about you. It’s uncovering shared interests, values, experiences, causes, passions – all the things that make people want to build relationships with one another.

Let’s be clear: there is nothing WRONG with having casual conversations. But somewhere between shooting the breeze and baring our souls lies the opportunity to be interested and interesting in a way that’s satisfying that what we think of as networking rarely is.

The good news is, finding that sweet spot is neither difficult nor mysterious and Michelle shares her top tips for connecting that won't leave you feeling fake, phony or gross. 

Takeaways from this episode include:

Michelle Tillis Lederman is an accomplished speaker, trainer, coach, and author of four books including The Connector’s Advantage, The11 Laws of Likability, Heroes Get Hired and Nail The Interview – Land The Job. You can learn more about Michelle and her work at michelletillislederman.com.