Who cares about voting for your most hated whatever when you can vote on what really matters… As a man, how do you PISS?

Lets get this out of the way

Our lawyers have asked us to issue the following statement:

It has come to our understanding that we here at REAL MOVIES with REAL MEN have been unintentionally conducting an unacceptable degree of false advertising.

We have been made aware when people engage in a podcast advertised as “with REAL MEN”, they don’t anticipate to then hear some pussy fucking toddler with a mangled penis advocating for sitting down to piss, who probably also jams a tampon up his peehole to better represent how he feels on the inside.

As such we would like to take this time to apologize for any misunderstandings that this inevitably has caused. While we have done our best efforts to have the culprit responsible removed, it turns out he’s the only one here who knows which dial turns on the machine to record the podcast.

We ask that everyone bear with us as our team works ’round the clock to rectify the situation by having him effectively removed from the operation and ideally publicly shamed/humiliated for his time engaged in promoting said debauchery.

Issued along with this statement, you can find below our new altered logo to accommodate us during this transition.

We thank you for your continued support.

 

RMwRM

 

Onward to something equally embarrassing

Another guest has managed to weasel his way onto the podcast and this weasel brought the movie Frozen with him. A movie I was very happy had passed me by completely unnoticed.

First Dirty Grandpa, now Frozen. I’m starting to think being a REAL man is about completely closing yourself off from everyone around you.

Apparently Weasel Corry had very high expectations of this movie made for tiny babies who someday want to be a princess. Perhaps next episode we can have a guest come on to discuss the lazy editing found in the first season of Teletubbies. Or maybe the weak third act in the first VeggieTales movie.

Hold on one second… our lawyer has just handed me another revised logo just in time for this episode.

Piss off!

Tune in next week to hear us eating glass and barbed-wire in an effort to make up for this episode being hijacked by a secret princess and a suspected eunuch.

END

Sitting Or Standing To Pee, We Can All Agree That Wiggling Your Dick Out Of A Weird Underwear Vagina Is Disturbing As Hell

Call it what you want Andy. You can try to pull that old liar’s trick and distract people from the REAL issue by bringing up the classic “sitting or standing” argument, but I see through your grand canyon of lies.

Speaking of sitting or standing, let’s talk about the most depraved argument of them all:

What’s Cool.

You ever notice how when you’re arguing a complete piece of crap garbage patch skid mark, whenever they start to lose they just double down on an irrelevant position?

Forget cohesive arguments, or being smart, or even thinking with your penis like a man should. Just toss real manhood in the trash and just focus on one dumb argument:

“Sitting down to pee just isn’t COOL man!”

You know who else cares about being cool? Hipsters. And I don’t mean people who dress up in plaid and grow beards, otherwise, all three of us would be hipsters.

I’m talking about the types of people who let their likes and dislikes be dictated by culture. I’m talking about people who ask you about your “cool trendy sweater” that you got when your friend lost weight and gave it to you. Hey idiot, I got it because I’m poor, not because I’m fashionable and trendy.

We can all agree that If you need to TRY to be cool then that’s exactly the opposite of actually being cool.

Now I ask you, do you have to try harder to stand, or to sit? If you had to spend a million years in one position, you’d guaranteed choose sitting. That’s because if you chose standing your legs would give out within a week, because it’s HARDER.

I promise you, nothing in the world is as uncool as standing is. Standing is for cashiers and pepsi-protestors.

I’ve never seen a classic manly 50s dad STAND around the living room watching slap-stick comedy on his 14″ TV. They SIT on their lazy-boys like real men. These are the men who tore apart my nazi ancestors with their bare-hands, so I think they’d know a thing or two about manliness.

You know what type of perverts stand? People who use standing work desks.

This is what you look like when you stand. Yuck. Absolutely disgusting.

This Episode, We Found Out How Modern Movie Trailers Are Garbage

And how the Garbage Pail Kids movie is garbage too. Maybe we just love garbage here at RMwRM (especially considering my co-hosts…ZING!)

Anyways, here’s a few garbage pail kids cards for your grossness. I hope you puke.

And you definitely don’t want to miss out on some of the movie characters from the Garbage Pail Kids.

Windy Winston:

Greaser Greg:

Nat Nerd:

My personal favorite, Foul Phil:

I’m too tired to write anymore. I’m going to go to bed and look at my cell phone for another 2 hours while somehow taking in no information at all.

You can find the rest of these nauseating horrifying dolls on your own. I feel like throwing up just writing this post.

Special Occasions Call For A Special Surprise!

We here at Real Movies With Real Men decided that episode 20 was the perfect time to do something special to all you jerks who support us. This is why we had our first EVER guest (of the week) – Troll Josh!

Troll Josh is the most Finnish non-Finnish guy you’ll ever meet. I could spend paragraphs (LITERALLY – MULTIPLE PARAGRAPHS) explaining how we know Josh. I could tell funny stories about him at heavy metal concerts with Andy and I, and reminisce about all his village plundering and pillaging, but we already did that on the episode! If you want to get to know Josh, this sums him up perfectly.

Bad Santa’s Bad Teacher’s Bad Mom’s Bad Grandpa’s Neighbour’s Bad Boy’s Grumpy Old Men

If you didn’t notice a running theme in Hollywood, if you take the word “Bad” and use it to describe someone who is not normally supposed to be bad, you get a funny premise for a comedy where the person who is typically viewed as a wholesome, positive figure is actually not wholesome or positive, they are…BAD. This is the joke. It’s way funnier when I explain it, right?

Unfortunately for the geniuses behind Dirty Grandpa, Bad Grandpa was already taken. Pervy old guys are funny right? That’s a new idea, isn’t it?

While watching Filthy Granddad, we were trying to figure out who the target audience was for this. Other than 18-25 year old males (and this is a stretch), who on earth would see this? I guess it makes sense for self-conscious granddads who want to prove to the world they can still have fun!

If the number of senior citizens hiring prostitutes and smoking crack suddenly shoots up, we know who to blame.

Spider-Man: Melting Pot

Much like the show Riverdale, Spider-Man: Homecoming garners all of its strength from casting actors who are a different race than the characters in the comic books. Don’t you worry about having good actors, an intriguing story, logical character motivations, OH NO! They skipped over all of that and decided that hitting you over the head with diversity was more important.

I’ll use visual examples from Riverdale so I don’t spoil anything from Spider-Man.

Actual picture of Mr. Weatherbee in Riverdale:

It’s hard to please everybody. Some fans are purists and want everything in the comics to be reflected perfectly on the big screen, and others want diversity for the sake of diversity. Others who believe in a secret underground race of lizard people who will one day take over the world want their beliefs validated too!

Here’s an actual picture of Jughead in Riverdale:

Sorry reptilian race worshippers, you had your chance in The Amazing Spider-Man. Remember that sweet gas plot? I bet you David Icke fangirls loved fantasizing over New York City’s entire population becoming lizard people. Well your time is over, it’s time to move over and let Multiculturalism: The Movie have its moment in the sun.

Below is an actual picture of Betty and Veronica from Riverdale:

I wonder which group will be pandered to in the next Spider-Man movie. I believe there’s a hint in an early promo shot for the next film.

 

What these pandering movies ought to do is cast the characters to look like they do in the comics but then attach to their foreheads a post-it note that has the race they are actually supposed to be written on it

Not to be outdone or left in the dust, they are trying this with the DC Universe movies. Below is a photo I was able to get from an inside source at Warner Brothers from the upcoming Justice League flick.

What Else Do You Want From Me?

Don’t be an Uncle Ben and go listen to th...

Arbitrarily vote for your most hated movie EVER that nobody actually does and serves no real purpose but we won’t get rid of because apparently its important for some reason or something, I guess (of the week) here:

Yammering on and on about something I want to emphasize and showcase how funny it is in case you didn’t initially understand what I was trying to say is the soul of wit

If there’s one purpose these write-ups serve, surely it’s to make the content of our podcast seem funnier by way of over-explaining the things we discuss in a bold attempt to make sure you know it’s hilarious.

Concision, clarity of expression, articulation of words and ideas… all tools of snooty elitist writers that don’t understand what real comedy is all about.

They clearly don’t understand that the best way to get humor across is to only stop building on the joke with more and more words until all the people who didn’t understand it in the first place finally realize what you were talking about. They’re sure to laugh then.

And the people who did understand it in the first place… well certainly if they found it funny to begin with then they’ll definitely still find it funny when it’s stretched out to be as thin as the quality one can expect from a Papa Murphy’s Pizza!

WHOA! THAT REMINDS ME, REMEMBER HOW FUNNY IT WAS WHEN WE TALKED ABOUT PAPA MURPHYS PIZZA ON THIS EPISODE OF THE PODCAST, unless you’re some of the people who read this beforehand, in which case this next portion of the write-up will only serve to spoil some of the initial humor when you actually hear it

You see I’m just not so sure that all of you morons understand how funny our on-going argument on Papa Murphy’s pizza actually is. So rather than sharpen my comedy skills and ability to convey them clearly, I will now over-elaborate in list format just how goddamn funny we are!

* humor is the tendency of particular cognitive experiences to provoke laughter and provide amusement

* a popular method of said provocation is the diversion of expectations

* when two parties have conflicting stances, there are many opportunities for diverting the expectations of both sides of the argument

Now that we all understand humor and how to recognize when the appropriate time to laugh is, I will now showcase how our content should be easily recognized as “funny”.

* Muller argues Papa Murphy’s pizza is good

* Braden and I argue Papa Murphy’s pizza is bad

* Muller does not respect Braden’s and my argument towards Papa Murphy’s pizza

* Braden and I do not respect Muller’s argument towards Papa Murphy’s pizza

* both parties stand strongly in their convictions on Papa Murphy’s pizza

* both parties then have to react to points that they would not have themselves concluded about Papa Murphy’s pizza

So you can see as I have outlined here that the whole situation is the perfect environment in which humor will cultivate. Make sure while listening to consult these lists so you fully understand just how funny we are.

If that is not enough to convince you that our Papa Murphy’s pizza discussion is funny, then simply print off this write-up onto a piece of paper, contact RMwRM, and I personally will come over, roll-up the piece of paper, and beat you to death with it.

In case that’s STILL not enough, here is a copy and paste of everything I just wrote to save you from having to scroll up to re-read my explanation

You see I’m just not so sure that all of you morons understand how funny our on-going argument on Papa Murphy’s pizza actually is. So rather than sharpen my comedy skills and ability to ...

Vote for your most hated movie EVER (of the week) here:

TASTE.

Some of us have it, and some of us have orange beards. Some of us can enjoy the flesh of this world as we swish around fine wines and chocolate in our mouths, while some of us just have long, dark, sexy, wavy hair.

Papa Murphy’s Stuffed Pizza is the finest in fine italian cuisine known to man. Unfortunately we have two cavemen co-hosts who wouldn’t know a mean pizza if it arrested them in the streets of New York for being black.

Let’s examine the pros of Papa Murph’s Stuffed Pizza in more detail:

* the best tasting pizza you’ve ever had

* this pizza tastes better than pizza from NEWYEORK

* anyone who doesn’t like this pizza is a freaking idiot

The cons:

* you have to cook it in one oven instead of a different oven

Andy just can’t deal with the simplest, easiest actions of putting a pizza into a metal cube known as your oven. What a crybaby. If someone told me that they would kill my family if I didn’t do one single jumping jack, I could probably figure out how to put my hands in the air and spread my legs.

And yet missing out on Papa Murphy’s Stuffed Pizza is a much bigger tragedy. What a troglodyte.

You may be thinking “But Muller, I’ve tried out the Papa Murphy’s Pizza and it was just normal pizza”. It’s true that Papa Murphy’s ALSO serves a regular sized pizza, but you’d be a fool to mix that up with their STUFFED pizza.

Even J.R.R. Tolkien knows how great this pizza is. I quote:

One Papa Murphy’s Stuffed Pizza to rule them all,

One Papa Murphy’s Stuff Pizza to find them,

One Papa Murphy’s to bring them all

and in the darkness be the finest damn pizza you’ve ever had, you turds.

That’s a real quote from Tolkien. No pun intended.

I don’t know why I always cast my pearls before swine though. I should just let these disgusting cohosts continue on with their vegetarian garbage and single-dish chinese food. They’re ridiculous.

Honestly though, we’ve gone back and forth on what these episode posts should be.

* Should they be summaries of the episode so you know what it’s about?

* Should they be building on inside jokes from the episode that you’re meant to read afterwards?

* Should they be promos for new listener, or DLC for old ones?

The correct answer is of course none of the above. The episode post should solely be used to deliver grandstanding monologues ripping apart Andy’s stupid as hell Chinese food arguments without leaving him any chance to defend himself.

It’s about disabling your enemies and kicking them while they roll down the non wheelchair accessible stairs of the white house.

Speaking Of Chinese Food

There’s one right way to eat chinese food, and it involves more than just a plate of gor-ram meatballs.

Andy claims “He wants us to get separate plates of Chinese and share like a bunch of Mullers”.

Well clearly it’s not just a bunch of Mullers doing this considering you admitted on the episode that even your own family prefers it that way,

YOU HACK!

The debate is of course between Family-Style food, and “Get Your Own Dish”.

In one corner of the ring is Andy with his illogical “Get Your Own Dish” style. Some benefits of this style are:

* you only get to order one dish, even though anyone with a half sophisticated palate probably doesn’t view “1 pound of pure bacon” as a real meal

* you get to hold onto the paranoid delusion that a family styled meal means that people are going to eat more than their fair share and you’ll somehow get screwed out of food.

Being Wright Never Felt So…Right

After seeing Baby Driver (not the movie with Hulk Hogan pile driving babies), we felt it appropriate to make an episode where we focus on how great Edgar Wright is. In today’s cinematic climate with schlock-filled movies, lazy writers, and hack directors, it’s important we acknowledge one of the active greats.

We only cover his movies though (specifically Hot Fuzz). We’ll do another full episode in the future where we cover his boyish good looks and charm.

Muller? I Hardly Know Her!

Muller has officially been outed. After the intro segment to this week’s show, the world now knows of his love for the big ladies. I’m sure he is being honest about his physical attraction to these behemoths, but let’s dig a littler deeper. If you’ve picked up on any Muller swindles you can see what is really going on here.

Fat people typically have more food laying around the house and they also typically order more at a restaurant than an average person. Can’t you see? These are PERFECT opportunities for Muller to swoop in and mooch grub, satisfying his two most primal urges: big women and free food. Then Muller moves on. He roams the countryside in search of his next large lady and free dinner.

“No Muller is ever too old to look at an overweight woman, and no overweight woman is ever too fat to hope that he will look.” – Old Lithuanian Proverb

Is It Too Soon?

A few weeks ago we spent an entire episode discussing a movie we like: Mad Max: Fury Road. Look, we realize our fans NEED the weekly movie hate every second week, but there are exceptions to every rule.

If it weren’t for exceptions, we wouldn’t have Denzel Washington’s entertaining killing spree in The Equalizer, would we? But let’s not get carried away. I think we can all agree that Denzel Washington is a little overrated. Middle-aged mom’s and dad’s love him. But if you have half a brain, you can see that he plays the same boring, by-the-book detective, corrupt CIA agent, rough around the edges with a heart of gold, drunk air pilot, blind post-apocalyptic survivor in every movie.

I mean, I do like his comedies, his superhero movies, (both of them), and even his vampire movies. But if you want to see a REAL good action thriller about a man seeking revenge for losing the one thing he loved by taking out a Russian gang that also came out in 2014, go see John Wick.

I do really like his comedies.

All This To Say

Don’t be an idiot and let which actors appear in a movie decide what you watch! Instead, tune into the episode and let us also berate you on why it is both important and the moral life ch...

Vote for your most hated movie EVER (of the week) here:

The world’s FIRST and most PROGRESSIVE movie talk show podcast, baby!

If you’re looking for an exploration of today’s most thought-provoking, forward thinking, pro-active ideas on the future of culture and ideology, then you’ve come to the right place.

If I’ve learned anything from today’s progressive youth, it’s that the biggest concerns regarding the direction of society is what kind of cultural representation is found in our movie content…

Forget trying to have a dialogue working towards a better understanding of each others opposing ideals. REAL progress is obviously found in how many social trends our movies can possibly pander to. Which also happens to be a great place to find rich Hollywood executives exploiting your sense of moral righteousness.

Hey, probably just a coincidence right?

But what better place to discuss our current political climate than on a show run by REAL men discussing all the ways they wish whatever movie they last saw was more like Commando.

I fucking love REAL science!

Everyone knows that reliable scientific facts don’t come from peer-reviewed study and repetition of results. They are much better found by whoever is speaking the loudest about whatever anecdotal evidence best confirms your personal bias.

If it sounds true it probably is true, and on today’s episode I prove myself to be the greatest scientist of all time by presenting two theories of which our listeners can’t actually challenge because this is of course a pre-recorded medium. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t really listen anyway.

And of course like a REAL man, both my theories are centered around why you’re wrong for liking the new Wonder Woman movie. That’s the kind of topic modern science needs to be tackling if we expect to make any progress to a better mankind.

The energy crisis? What crisis? Money seems to buy me all the gasoline I need. Problem solved.

Climate Change? I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s disgustingly hot out today, but I spend all my time in an air-conditioned movie theater anyway. Sorted.

But bad movies and people who like them? Now there’s an issue that I can get behind.

But the first step towards a solution is to narrow down the root cause of the problem. I think you’ll find today’s episode adequately identifies it, using Wonder Woman as an example of failure.

Look, if you want to hear an accurate review of Wonder Woman it will just end up being a three minute episode explaining, “it’s okay I guess”. But in order to fill out an entire show I put on my cleanest lab coat and extract every bit of content I possibly could.

Like a REAL scientist. You’re welcome.

Go away

I have more ground-breaking research to do for the next exciting episode of REAL Movies with REAL Men.

 

 

 

Vote for your most hated movie EVER (of the week) here:

If you’re not talking down to someone, there’s no point in talking to them at all

We all know how the conversation game goes.

You come in with your pre-conceived notion, pretend to listen while the other person talks, try to be respectful while sounding like you know what you’re talking about, then leave having gained nothing but resentment knowing you’ll have to repeat this process with the next social encounter.

Fucking pointless.

We’re all just trying to trick everyone else into thinking we have more worth than is actually true, in a noble attempt to hoard more value than those around you. But speaking to them with “the respect they deserve” is about the dumbest social convention I can think of.

Not only does nobody want to do it, but it’s about as effective as earning respect by telling the truth.

It doesn’t work.

But if you talk down to someone in a way that taps into the vulnerability of their own self-doubt, then you can assuredly talk them into believing any kind of nonsense you want.

Like, when I go to the doctor I don’t want him speaking to me like we’re on the same level. As soon as he has me convinced I’m an idiot, I know then that I better do what he says.

The medical degree means nothing, the condescension… everything.

It’s important that everyone has to have someone to look down on

Wandering through this wasteland we call community can be tough to do without some kind of self-confidence. Undoubtedly the best way to build one’s ego is by having another group to constantly think less of.

The rich have the poor, the smart have the dumb, and if all else fails everyone always have foreign people to lower ones brow upon.

But today we have all the people involved with the making of Alien: Covenant to spray our poison on.

A movie so worthless you’d think the writers are as dumb as the characters in the story itself.

Apparently somewhere down the line some idiot thought taking what is essentially a franchise about a cool creature design and turning it into an origin of man story was a good idea.

At one point I discovered that this movie and Prometheus have built up quite a dedicated following of people defending the absolutely poor, incomprehensible, lazy, all set-up no pay-off story that this franchise has devolved into. But then I realized that they aren’t really worthy of being called people, so I moved on.

A Whole Episode About One Movie?

Don’t worry, this isn’t another Terminator: Jenizeyz episode. We actually spend time discussing a movie that wasn’t a confusing mess/critical failure/part of a downward-spiraling movie franchise.

I know what you’re thinking: “But the Tremors franchise has four movies which are all commercially and critically successful!”.

Look, we here at Real Movies With Real Men have to pick and choose our battles, and if you’re a total idiot and missed the title of this post, we are discussing Mad Max: Fury Road!

I’m sorry it’s not about Tremors 4: The Legend Begins, but the episode is already recorded so there’s nothing I can do! Leave me alone!

Who Is This “Max” & What Is He So “Mad” About All The Time?

Sorry about that, Jerry Seinfeld sat down and started typing while I was in the bathroom. He was just telling me about this show that he and Larry David are working on.

Mad Max ends up in modern day New York and has to adapt to normal American life. It’s called “Mad Max In The Big City”. The story has been rejected by multiple television studios because the “fish out of water” style of sitcom from the 80’s hasn’t become popular again…yet. But once it does, we’ll all get to see how Mad Max deals with city life.

I can’t wait to see how Mad Max deals with:

* Working a 9 to 5 office job

* Getting a date

* Coping with winter in New York

* His interactions with his ultra liberal gender fluid roommate

* Online dating

* Using a smartphone

* Creating a Facebook profile

* Ordering at Starbucks

* Going on blind dates

What Makes Fury Road So Great?

If I have to explain this, then you haven’t seen Fury Road. So stop what you are doing, watch Fury Road, then watch all the special features.

Wait – you’re watching it online so you don’t have access to the special features?

Drive over to your local video store and rent it. Then watch the entire movie again for good measure, and then watch all the special features. Then you can download our episode and nod your head in agreement the entire time.

Mad Max is a REAL man, just like his creator George Miller! Everything you haven’t already learned about being a man from John Matrix, Marion Cobretti, Robocop, and Judge Dredd, you can learn from Mad Max. If you aren’t a man after watching those movies, then you’re nothing but a pencil neck geek!

Get lost LOSER! But not until you listen to episode 14.

Vote for your most hated movie EVER (of the week) here:

A Series Of R’s

“R” rated action movies. Rotten Tomatoes. Real Movies. Real Men.

We love R‘s here. But what about all the other R‘s that we love?

* Ralph Fiennes

* Death Race 2000

* Raiders Of The Lost Ark

* Rain Man – hilarious!

* Rambo

* Random Acts Of Violence (the concept, not the movie)

* The Blues Brothers

* 13 Reasons Why This Show Makes Me Want To Kill MY Self

When I was a child, I had a DOS version of “Wheel Of Fortune” on my 386 Windows 3.1 computer. If you won the game, it said you could win a sports car.

I wasn’t quite sure how they were going to mail me an entire car to my house, but I always guessed “T” or “S” as I thought they were common letters that would make me win that sweet, sweet snail-mailed race car.

I never won. Probably because I should have been guessing “R” the entire time.

Andy’s Jar Jar Binks Mask

The perfect gift for a small child. Complete with that stinky-stanky rubber smell.

Horrifying.

Air Bud: LoveDog In A Dangerous Spacetime

Upon further reflection, more Air Bud sequels really ARE something this world needs, alongside more slogans like “hungry for apples“, which is apparently a good slogan to sell apples.

* Air Bud XV: Bud Harder (Air Bud smokes weed in this one)

* Air Bud XVI: A Good Day To Bud Hard

* Air Bud XVII: Live Free Or Die Bud

* Air Bud XVIII: Air Bud 2

* Air Bud XIX: First Bud Part II

* Air Bud XX: Predator VS Air Bud

* Air Bud XXI: THE Air Bud

* Air Bud XXII: Budgement Day

* Air Bud XXIII: Escape From New Bud

* Air Bud XXIV: Air Bud ONE (in this one, the sport Bud plays is being the President of the United States)

* Air Bud XXV: Bud Trouble In Little China

Other Conservative News Media Scams

As if Grand Theft Auto and Mortal Kombat weren’t bad enough reasons to ruin my childhood from groundings, they also rendered my parent’s fair, effective, and loving discipline into an arbitrary arm of the conservative agenda.

Chasing after violent video games and nude movies turned me literally into a worse person. Discipline stops working once you see through the cracks and realize how meaningless it becomes.

It only takes one unfair spanking to ruin them all. And to think: I could be enjoying a regular spankings to this very day! The fact that I’m missing out on one of life’s greatest pleasures makes me so angry that I just want to go out and get spanked!

Here are some other conservative scams ruining lives to this day:

* Movie ratings are there to protect children and families

* Christians in america are being crucified for their beliefs – not for being jerks

* Environmentalism and electric cars will give you autism

* Mexicans can’t pole vault over tall walls

Don’t forget to vote!