Recovery Daily Podcast

How often am I searching for something I already have? By thinking about what  I believe those things will give me and where might that already exist in my life, I can hold what I desire loosely enough to see what I already have. My words and desires can reveal where my attention is living. Sometimes my “wanter” is so busy looking toward the next thing that I miss seeing the life I once desperately hoped to have is all around me. I’m learning to recognize the gifts while I'm actually living them. 

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Fear doesn't always look like fear. It can be dressed up as anger, control, denial, depression, bargaining, or perfectionism. After coming to this realization, I try to look beneath the costumes fear wears in my own sobriety and stroke recovery. Losing the ability to drive, accepting permanent changes after stroke, and losing my job to medical retirement all elicited enormous fear. But feelings move, and when I get still enough to recognize them, they can teach me something about myself.

It’s important to look at what is underneath the costume, and what tool I have for addressing it. Sometimes I need to take action, ask for help, or simply let the feeling pass without building my whole day around it.

This Halloween, keep an eye out for fear when it comes trick-or-treating. You might be surprised by the costume it's wearing.

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When I say, “Thy will be done, not mine,” I have a tendency to brace myself for whatever bad thing might happen next. But what about all the beautiful things I never planned for either? In this episode, I talk about surrender in a different way—loosening my grip on what I think my life should look like and leaving room for possibilities. Sobriety, stroke recovery, my podcast, writing a book, creativity, and service have all shown me that some of the most meaningful parts of my life came from a plan I never could have made. Maybe I don't need to keep trying to weave the net that's going to catch me. Maybe faith is trusting that the net is already being woven. Today, “Thy will be done, not mine” feels less like preparing for the worst and more like being willing to be surprised.

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Knowing what I need to change about my behavior and actually changing are two very different things. Steps 6, 7, and 10 work together to help me recognize old behaviors, surrender my need to control everything, and practice choosing differently. These steps have helped me through sobriety, stroke recovery, relationships, frustration, defensiveness, people-pleasing, and those moments when every instinct in me wants to react the wrong way. I don’t have to be limited by my old instincts. I can become the architect of new ones.

Listen to this episode. It’s not just for us recovering drunks 😉

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Anger can color everything we see?

In this episode, I talk about the anger and sadness that can come from living a life I never expected—wanting to drive, work, travel, shop, and simply be like everybody else. I’m learning not to compare the life I have today to the life I thought I would have.

I share what helps me move through those feelings: “move a muscle, change a thought,” naming what’s underneath the anger, accepting what I can’t control, and getting outside of myself through service. Helping someone else gives me grace for today and hope for tomorrow. I don’t have to know exactly what my future will look like to believe there is happiness ahead. Today is not the entire story.

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We all leave something behind in the people we encounter. In this episode, I talk about the fundamental attribution error, our tendency to judge someone’s character without knowing the circumstances behind their behavior, and what stroke recovery has taught me about the things we simply cannot see in other people.

I also look at the other side of the ripple: what I put into the water. From Step 10 and sobriety to chronic pain, invisible disability, and one stranger’s comment that got under my skin, I’m learning that I may not control someone else’s behavior, but I do participate in what happens next.

Our presence has an impact before we ever say a word. So today I’m asking myself what kind of ripple I am creating.

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It’s show-n-tell day! Before I head to the Lake of the Woods Fine Arts Show & Sale tomorrow, I’m giving you a peek at what I’ve been creating, from Christmas ornaments made with vintage jewelry to Spoon & Cup Theory bracelets and my newest obsession of handmade junk journals. Everything at my booth has been created with recycled, repurposed, and vintage materials. Recovery has taught me that everyone and everything can change, be reborn, and become something beautiful.

Come see what I’ve been making, hear the stories behind some of the pieces, and experience my perhaps slightly excessive excitement about my very first art show.

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After my stroke, there wasn't much room for laughter. My life was consumed by pain, fear, doctors, visual disability, and trying to understand what happened to me and if I’d get better. Over time, thanks to my husband, laughter found its way back in. Laughing at some of the ridiculous moments of life after stroke doesn't minimize what I've lost. I can grieve my limitations and still laugh when my brain plays Mad Libs with my words,  I walk into a room with absolutely no idea why I'm there, or my husband and I pull out our favorite excuse for my humorous mistakes: “Well, I had a stroke.”

Humor is another tool in my recovery toolbox. Laughter helps me loosen my grip and stop arguing with reality. It helps me relax. Taking my disability seriously doesn't mean I have to take every moment of my life seriously. My stroke took a lot from me, but it didn't take away my ability to laugh at myself. 

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I wondered what I had left to offer without alcohol in my life. After my stroke, that same fear came back. So much of what I could do had changed that I started questioning what I could still bring to my relationships and my life. I must separate my limitations from my worth, let go of the “I should be able to” thoughts, and stop measuring Rachel 3.0 against the person I was before my stroke. My capacity changes from day to day, and my self-worth can’t change with it.

If I want to be happy, I need to do things that make me happy. 

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Living with a vestibular disorder has changed what being active looks like for me. Movement itself can provoke my symptoms, so exercise isn't as simple as pushing harder, going farther, or trying to get back to what I could do before my stroke. I have to consider what I can do with the brain and body I have today? Sometimes being active is walking my dog. Other times it's gardening, gentle stretching, modified yoga, or simply moving around the house doing chores (which I’m way over due on.) I've learned to adapt, pay attention to my symptoms, and stop measuring today's abilities against an old version of myself. 

When I used to run, I challenged myself with how much discomfort I could tolerate. But today I need sustainable participation in my life—movement that allows me to be active today without stealing too much from tomorrow. 

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