In this episode of the Recovery Rebirth Podcast, we explore many types of grief separate from death.  Some of these include: breakups, betrayal and infidelity, miscarriage, loss of a job or loss of a pet. These losses can be incredibly painful and feel like death at times.

We share our experiences with relationships and job loss. Like many people in recovery, we struggle with fears of abandonment and rejection. Loss of a relationship or job can trigger our deep-rooted, painful feelings of unworthiness. We have a separate podcast on unworthiness that we encourage you to check out if you also struggle with these agonizing emotions. 

We discuss some of our unhealthy coping mechanisms; like obsession, during periods of acute grief. We also share healthy coping mechanisms we used to work through our grief such as, 12-step support groups, therapy, biking, and dancing.

Grief is a process which is far from linear. Often it’s more like a tangled ball of yarn. It is our fervent hope that through this series, you will find resources to support you in your grief walk. 

We encourage you to reach out for help and support, you don’t have to face your grief alone. 

Resources

Support Groups

https://www.griefshare.org

https://www.hom.org/our-services/grief-support-groups/

Books

Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses–Al-Anon Family Groups (available through Amazon) 

Websites

https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/5-stages-of-grief/

https://www.psycom.net/stages-of-grief

TED Talks

The journey through loss and grief

https://www.ted.com/talks/jason_b_rosenthal_the_journey_through_loss_and_grief

How to support yourself (and others) through grief

https://www.ted.com/talks/nina_westbrook_how_to_support_yourself_and_others_through_grief

In this episode of the Recovery Rebirth Podcast, we share our experiences with death of family members..Jillian talks about the death of her brother and Dominick discusses the death of his parents. Death is the ultimate loss and many of us in recovery can struggle with complicated grief when an addicted loved one dies. Oftentimes we’ve had to have very strong boundaries to protect ourselves and to prevent damaging our relationships. While boundaries are necessary, we can feel crushing guilt for having had such strong boundaries at times and wonder if they felt more like walls to our loved ones who have passed.

We’ve both had experiences dealing wtih difficult relatives while grieving the death of our loved ones which enflamed our anger. Those of us in recovery often have difficult family dynamics. We both know the agony of waiting for our relatives to die after they were taken off life support. And we both felt the peace knowing our loved one was no longer suffering, even in the midst of our grief. 

We touch upon grief-induced anxiety and coping mechanisms we’ve used when our grief is acute. Some effective strategies were  reading affirmations, connecting with others in recovery, and practiing gratitude on the days where we start to notice progress. We also talk about the maladaptive coping mechanism used to distract ourselves from grief. 

If you have lost a loved one to addiction, we offer our heartfelt compassion, comfort and support. We hope you will find some solace in our stories. Whether in recovery or not, people are rarely taught how to grieve–death remains a fairly taboo topic in our culture.. We encourage you to explore the resources below. We have found support groups to be particularly powerful in recovering from grief.

If you’re still hurting years later, you’re not alone. Griief has no timeline and we each experience it in our own way. It is possible to move through the stages and finally arrive at acceptance. It is our hope that you move closer to acceptance and peace with each passing day. Like everything else in life, we have found that moving through grief is done One Day at a Time. 

Resources

Support Groups

https://www.griefshare.org

https://www.hom.org/our-services/grief-support-groups/

Books

On Death and Dying–Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

On Grief and Grieving–Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler 

Websites

https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/5-stages-of-grief/

https://www.psycom.net/stages-of-grief

TED Talks

The journey through loss and grief

https://www.ted.com/talks/jason_b_rosenthal_the_journey_through_loss_and_grief

How to support yourself (and others) through grief

https://www.ted.com/talks/nina_westbrook_how_to_support_yourself_and_others_through_grief

In this episode of the Recovery Rebirth Podcast, we begin a discussion on grief. Grief is an unavoidable part of the human experience. We all experience grief over the course of our lives, whether it’s heartbreak or death. In recovery, we encounter with a wide array of grief and oftentimes complicated grief due to the complexity and difficulty of relationships. 

We delve into the Five Stages of Grief devised by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Kübler-Ross groundbreaking has written several books on grief and death, the first being the seminal On Death and Dying. We also make very clear that grief is far from a linear process. Grief has no timeline. 

We discuss how we’ve learned to feel uncomfortable emotions through recovery vs. repressing or stifling our emotions. This can help to get us unstuck from stages such as denial and depression. While we may never get over a tremendous loss, we can get through it. We can integrate our grief as we heal. 

We can experience many types of grief: death,  the loss of relationships, the loss of someone to addiction whether through death or a lifetime of active addiction, and even anticipatory grief. 

We talk about multiple resources to support us in our journey toward acceptance. Whether it’s grief support groups, therapy, antidepressants. While grief is an individual experience, we don’t have to go through it alone. 

Resources

Support Groups

https://www.griefshare.org

https://www.hom.org/our-services/grief-support-groups/

Books

On Death and Dying–Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

On Grief and Grieving–Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler 

Websites

https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/5-stages-of-grief/

https://www.psycom.net/stages-of-grief

TED Talks

The journey through loss and grief

https://www.ted.com/talks/jason_b_rosenthal_the_journey_through_loss_and_grief

How to support yourself (and others) through grief

https://www.ted.com/talks/nina_westbrook_how_to_support_yourself_and_others_through_grief

Many of us are in survival mode in  early recovery, lacking healthy coping mechanisms or tools. As they say, nobody comes into recovery on a winning streak! We discuss the importance of keeping it simple, for example, not getting overzealous with to-do lists and setting ourselves up for failure. We acknowledge the reality that sometimes One Day at a Time is too big a hurdle in the beginning stages of recovery–sometimes recovery is moment-to-moment. While in survival mode, repeating the serenity prayer and detaching from things outside of our control (which is most things) can help to ground us. 

The safety net of recovery assisted us in our transition from survival mode to establishing some stability. Being among people who understand firsthand our struggles and can provide their experience, strength and hope can help us to stabilize. Learning to implement boundaries and limiting our interactions with and detaching from people who threaten our recovery is crucial. Additionally,  looking at our role in our suffering and taking accountability for our actions elevates us from a victim mentality. Staying focused on ourselves and not taking others’ inventory is vital to our recovery. 

Once we got to a place of stability, we were able to start focusing on and achieving goals that languished for many years. We talk about experiencing the fruition of dreams that seemed unattainable when mired in active addiction and codependent, maladaptive ways of living. We start to experience significance. Another key aspect of significance in recovery is becoming a source of support for others in their journey. This is one of the greatest gifts of recovery!  We have to give it away to keep it. We get to bless others with the same compassion and love we received from fellow travelers in our journey from survival to significance.

On this episode of the Recovery Rebirth Podcast, Dominick and Jillian talk about fear as a universal human experience. We’ve all been scared when we’re startled or while watching a horror movie. These kinds of fear quickly subside and we return to our (ideally) calm state. But some fears are persistent and hijack our ability to have a relatively serene existence. When we’re living in a state of hypervigilance, expecting the worst to happen, it’s difficult to enjoy our lives.

For many people in recovery, fear is an ever-present companion. Whether we fear abandonment, losing a loved one to addiction or relapsing ourselves, fear can loom large for many of us. Anxiety is closely tied to fear, especially for those of us who’ve experienced trauma; specifically in childhood. PTSD can distort our perception of actual danger vs. perceived danger. Unfortunately, our body responds the same way whether a threat is real or perceived.

While many people are familiar with the fear of failure, we touch on the lesser talked about fear of success and what holds us back from pursuing our dreams. As the famous Marianne Williamson poem notes, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” (link to full poem below) 

We discuss the emotional and physiological effects of fear. Our sympathetic nervous system takes over, our amygdala is activated, adrenaline and cortisol are released. When we’re in this fearful state, our prefrontal cortex (center of logic) also shuts down. 

Lastly, we touch on strategies for dealing with sustained fear. By facing our fears, we can better understand what drives them and disrupt the fear-based patterns in our life (e.g. self-sabotage) When we aren’t in an elevated state, we can start to look at some of our lingering fears that have shaped unhealthy patterns. Sometimes a change of scenery, like going for a walk in nature can help us to return to a more serene state. 

While fear is unavoidable, it doesn’t have to dictate our lives.There are many acronyms in recovery, including some related to fear. Through the process of recovery we can change our mindset from: f*ck everything and run to face everything and recover!

Resources

Your Body on Fear | What Happens in Your Body When You're Afraid

The Psychology of Fear

Our Deepest Fear-Marianne Williamson

http://www.appleseeds.org/Deepest-Fear.htm

Overcoming Fear (essentiallifeskills.net)

On this episode of the Recovery Rebirth Podcast, we build upon our previous discussion on relationships, taking a deep dive into attachment theory/attachment styles. We also dig deeper into analyzing our patterns, rooted in our childhood traumas/wounding. We share some elucidating insights gained through looking at ourselves vs. focusing on the behavior of our romantic partners. Many of us can be on autopilot while dating, completely unaware of our unconscious patterns. We aim to become aware of these tendencies and approach relationships from a place of being conscious of and healing self-defeating, painful patterns.

Jillian reflects on her long standing pattern of being attracted to unavailable and avoidant men because it’s a familiar dynamic from her relationship with her mom. While these relationships were unhealthy, they evoked the drama (experienced as excitement) that she was used to growing up. On the flipside, she traditionally finds secure, stable, available men boring.  Or if someone is super interested, she tends to run. She also shares an enlightening quote “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical”  (Quote credit to Mark Groves and recovery meetings) 

Dominick reflects on his experience with his mother being his caregiver then the role reversal when he was older and the impact on his relationship template. He recalls wanting closeness in relationships but fearing getting too close because of the belief that “everything you love leaves you”

We discuss John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, pioneers in attachment theory research. While a primary attachment style may be formed in childhood, our attachment style is on a spectrum and can vary based on the people who we’re in a relationship with. Some people may trigger our anxious side while others cause us to withdraw. There is no right or better style,  

Primary Attachment Styles

Secure–not afraid of intimacy and are also not codependent. Feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

Anxious/Ambivalent–usually experienced inconsistent caregiving as a child. They fear rejection and abandonment, have a hard time feeling safe, and often mistrust their partner.  They are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back.

Avoidant–subconsciously suppress their attachment system and have a tendency to push people away when someone gets too close. Equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

Two avoidant subtypes:

Dismissive—keep people at an arm’s length, emotionally aloof. 

Fearful/disorganized—simultaneously crave and fear closeness/intimacy; hot and cold.

Resources

Books 

Attached

Avoidant

Healing Your Attachment Wounds 

Websites/Podcasts

https://www.drmorgancoaching.com/

https://www.jodiwhitelpc.com/

https://www.jodiwhitelpc.com/podcast

Attachment Theory Resources

Quizzes/Articles

https://www.npr.org/2022/02/09/1079587715/whats-your-attachment-style-quiz

https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/

https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/5e77d82d29386e001428f8f1

https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html

http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm

Websites/Podcasts

Attachment Theory Overview

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-attachment-theory-2795337

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/attachment#attachment-styles

Dr. Morgan Anderson Coaching | Let's Get Vulnerable Podcast

https://www.drmorgancoaching.com/

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lets-get-vulnerable-relationship-and-dating-advice/id1496034764

Tracy Crossley | Freedom from Attachment Podcast

https://tracycrossley.com/

https://tracycrossley.com/podcast/

YouTube Channels/Videos

The Four Attachment Styles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23ePqRkOKtg

Brianna MacWilliam

https://www.youtube.com/c/BrianaMacWilliam_Attachment_Romantic_Relationshi...

On this episode of the Recovery Rebirth Podcast, we continue delving into the topic of relationships and learning to have healthy relationships through the recovery process. We reflect upon our childhood experiences and how they set the template for our romantic lives and relationship patterns. By understanding the origins of these patterns, we endeavor to get to the root of the issue and to form new behaviors and healthier patterns. 

We discuss our fears of abandoment based on our childhood experiences of losing parents to mental illness and death. We also talk about the impact of divorce within our family systems. Despite having somewhat different childhood/family dynamics, we share some commonrelationships struggles.

We touch on attachment theory, something Jillian’s really been geeking out on the last few years! According to attachment theory, our relationships with our primary caregivers (usually parents) influence our choices in romantic partners and relationship patterns. 

We ponder some important questions about relationships. Hat tip to the Mark Groves podcast which has been a valuable relationship resource for Jillian in the last few years. We also discuss the concept of viewing relationships as teachers thanks to our growth and healing through recovery.

Jillian shares her mantra: relationships are the supplement, not the source of our happiness. Dominick underscores the need for strong communication and allowing people time to sufficiently heal rather than forcing a relationship. We hope you hear something that will support your journey and enhance your relationships.

Relationship Resources

Websites/Podcasts

https://markgroves.com/

https://omny.fm/shows/mark-groves/playlists/podcast

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mark-groves-podcast/id1282044290

https://theadultchair.com/podcasts/

https://amyyoungcoaching.com/podcast

https://www.drmorgancoaching.com/

https://www.jodiwhitelpc.com/

https://www.jodiwhitelpc.com/podcast

Attachment Theory Resources

Quizzes/Articles

https://www.npr.org/2022/02/09/1079587715/whats-your-attachment-style-quiz

https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/

https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/5e77d82d29386e001428f8f1

https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html

http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm

Websites/Podcasts

https://tracycrossley.com/podcast/

YouTube Channels/Videos

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23ePqRkOKtg

https://www.youtube.com/c/BrianaMacWilliam_Attachment_Romantic_Relationships

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5weiD_1MALL7AE9OhOEAPw

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHQ4lSaKRap5HyrpitrTOhQ

Relationships can be challenging even for those of us with a strong sense of self-worth, a template for healthy relationships and conflict-resolution skills. But  many people in recovery lack these fundamental building blocks for healthy relationships. Dating and relationships can feel like walking through a minefield for folks in recovery.

On this episode of the Recovery Rebirth Podcast, we discuss our dating patterns and the childhood experiences that informed them. Both of us have had deeper awareness of these patterns through the process of recovery. Whether it’s being drawn to unavailability or the compulsion to rescue, we’ve realized none of these approaches has yielded fulfilling, mutually beneficial, and enduring relationships. 

Being blinded by physical chemistry can make us oblivious to potential red flags. The spark can actually be a warning sign!  A gradual dating process is a newer concept for us in recovery vs. hitting it off and hooking up. But without a solid foundation built on compatibility, respect, reciprocity, and trust, relationships are likely to implode. 

We both observed  our parents divorcing when we were young which inforrmed our perspectives on marriage and influenced how we approach relationships. Jillian also saw the ripple effect through her extended family system (aunts, uncles and grandparents) There was no template for working through conflict and staying together.

We also  touch upon the Five Love Languages and the work Dr. John Gottmann, who along with his wife, has studied couples and relationships for decades. We dig into what the Gottmans call Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, or destructive behaviors within relationships. They are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Through their research, the Gottmanns have been able to predict with 90% (or greater) accuracy whether a relationship will fail based on the presence of these corrosive behaviors.  

Resources

“The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts”--Gary Chapman

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

The Gottmann Institute 

The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse (in relationships)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1o30Ps-_8is

In this episode of the Recovery Rebirth Podcast, we discuss how we’ve been affected by homelessness, either personally or within our family system.

Struggling with self-worth is a common denominator for many people in recovery. Some resources discussed in this episode are Brené Brown, well-known shame researcher and Kristin Neff who is one of the world’s leading experts on self-compassion.