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If you use shame to try to motivate your loved one to make a change, it’s going to backfire. Are you wondering if you are shaming the addict? There’s a good chances you are. It’s difficult not to when faced with the crazy thoughtless behavior that accompanies addiction. Still . . . it isn’t helping. Most of us grew up believing that shame would motivate someone to change. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. In fact, it just fuels addiction … just the thing you’re hoping to stop. We need to take a different approach.

In this episode, you will:

• Communicate shamelessly with your addicted loved one
• Learn what to do when you can’t say anything nice
• Motivate your addicted loved one the RIGHT way

Time Stamped Show Notes:

01:50 In this particular story that I’m going to share with you today it was reported in Tennessean which is the newspaper in Tennessee national particularly.

06:39 Aware Appreciation.

08:53 Do you find yourself saying things like, “I can’t believe you’re so selfish.”? Or, “Why are you making such bad choices?” Or, “Are you blind to the damage you’re causing?”

09:27 If you’re living with an addict or in some sort of close relationship with an addict it is nearly impossible to avoid shaming them.

16:31 We need to demonstrate what it looks like to be loved and accepted and to not be codependent.

17:39 Most Recovery Stakeholders are codependent. It comes with the territory. And, one of the main symptoms of codependence is the lack of personal boundaries.

18:49 I feel the need to let her know how she has destroyed her family and children. Should I tell her how I feel?

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We need to set some realistic expectations for recovery … for you and your loved one. It’s going to require you to do some things differently, including setting healthy boundaries with your addicted family member. And, it is not for sissies. Most recovery stakeholders are so focused on helping their addicted loved one get sober that they’re blindsided when sobriety turns to relapse. What kinds of things will you need to do differently?

In this episode, you will:

• Prioritize their own recovery and become educated
• Learn to set boundaries with an addicted loved one
• Understand realistic expectations for recovery

Time Stamped Show Notes:

01:15 I found an article that I wanted to share with you from a newspaper in Ohio. It talks about a man named Norm Zent.

05:30 Aware Appreciation.

07:45 Most recovery stakeholders are so focused on helping their addicted loved one get sober that they’re blindsided when sobriety turns to relapse.

08:09 To start, you need to figure out what you should be focusing on. Most recovery stakeholders are focused on the addict and the crazy things they’re experiencing as a result of having an addicted loved one.

17:45 Just know that even if you are getting push back that being cautious and making your loved one have some seasoning to their recovery is best for all concerned.

18:09 My takeaway is that most Recovery Stakeholders are new to the term “personal boundaries” until they actually become a Recovery Stakeholder

19:07 I did tell him that he cannot come back and live with me. If his calls make me crazy, should I just stop taking them?

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Why do so many addicts relapse? For anyone that is not struggling with addiction, it makes no sense. But, since addiction is medicating some problem, the addict is going to have to find another form of medication that is equally effective. Easier said than done. That’s why they so often relapse. We suggest a different approach. Get to the underlying cause and treat the symptoms. In most cases, those symptoms include trauma. To deal with an addict in your family that is trying to cope with PTSD, you are going to need some help.

In this episode, you will:

• Understand the effects of trauma on your mind and body
• Determine the root traumatic experience of your emotional reactions to stressors
• Learn the differences between PTSD and trauma

Time Stamped Show Notes:

01:12 In the news recently, it was the Indy Star … there was an article talking about drug overdoses. In particular, how people who have overdosed are treated in the hospital.

04:10 Aware Appreciation.

06:26 Since addiction is medicating some problem, the addict is going to have to find another form of medication that is equally effective. Easier said than done.

07:00 Why is it important to understand trauma? If trauma is fueling these undesirable thoughts and ultimately the behaviors . . .

15:56 Trauma is not a one size fits all. The important thing is to know what’s going on with you. And, as you are trying to get to the bottom of what’s really going on with your loved one . . .

16:31 It is all too common to dismiss our traumatic life experiences. Hey, we survived! We shouldn’t be complaining.

17:38 How do I love the addict when he loves the drugs more than anything . . . including his family?

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What comes after the intervention? Typically, a plan is already in motion. But is it going to get the job done? We’ll make sure you’re covering all the bases. Costs associated with addiction treatment can be staggering. But, the cost of not treating the problem could be the ultimate …. the end of life. How do you put together a course of treatment that will be effective and not break the bank? This episode will make sure you’re prepared.

In this episode, you will:

• Understand different treatment options available for your loved one
• Understand the associated costs of treatment and what’s important
• Learn what to expect in treatment – realistic vs unrealistic expectations

Time Stamped Show Notes:

01:43 The article says, "Extensive research has shown that receiving medical care and monitored support in the home promotes faster recovery, improves outcomes, and increases the patient's overall physical and psychological well-being."

04:04 Aware Appreciation.

06:29 How do you put together a course of treatment that will be effective and not break the bank? The key is to put the cart before the horse. Let me explain.

09:07 Let's start by looking at the cost. This is going to be a quick overview, but I just want to give you a few ideas of what to look for as you're putting a plan together.

15:14 It gives you some peace of mind. You don't have that constant worry and threat right under your roof.

16:10 If you don't treat the underlying symptom, there's no reason to believe that the addiction won't return.

17:00 My daughter got out of rehab today. She went to her counseling session and support group meeting . . . then relapsed.

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We're going to discuss intervention. We're going to see it for what it is . . . and isn't. And, I'm going to introduce you to types of interventions that are probably new to you.

You might be wondering how to do an intervention with someone you love … or even how to stage an intervention for addiction. If someone you care about is struggling with addiction, you may find yourself watching the show Intervention and hoping for answers or insight.

Sometimes a formal intervention is the only way to stop the addictive behavior. But, stopping the behavior is not what's needed in the long term. It's important to approach intervention with a long-term mindset.

In this episode, you will learn:

• About the different types of intervention
• How interventions can be used to help your loved one seek treatment
• How to prepare for an intervention for your loved one

Time Stamped Show Notes:

01:29 I was brought to this post on the Huffington's post where a scholar was talking about the risks of military intervention.

03:31 Aware Appreciation.

05:59 Sometimes a formal intervention is the only way to stop the addictive behavior. But, stopping the behavior is not what's needed. . .

08:32 This is extremely helpful because a lot of times families just don't know what to do and what not to do. They end up enabling their addict loved one.

12:20 The problem with this type of intervention is that as a recovery stakeholder and as a ReLOVutionary we can't just sit around and wait for this to happen.

14:03 Well my takeaway is that intervention requires a long-term treatment plan, sometimes better to start with a few counseling sessions. . .even for yourself.

15:40 I was so concerned that my husband would leave that I snuck out to his car and ripped some wires out from under the hood.

When we are triggered emotionally, our thinking brain is taken offline so that we can focus on survival . . . fighting or running. Is it any wonder we don’t make great decisions when we’re angry? As ReLOVutionaries, we’re “amping up” the love. That’s going to require that our brain is fully functional! To make good choices and decisions, you need to learn to manage YOUR emotions.

Time Stamped Show Notes:

01:18 A few months ago, Ozzy Osbourne admitted that he struggles with sex addiction. His wife, Sharon, has reportedly found the news shocking.

03:45 Aware Appreciation.

05:59 It seems simple - right? They should be able to make better choices.

06:19 As humans there is no way of escaping that feeling of being overwhelmed by emotion. We refer to this as being emotionally triggered.

09:01 We are going into fight or flight response. We couldn’t make a good rational decision if our life depended on it.

12:46 We want life to feel exhilarating but that can quickly derail your contentment. This is actually one of the things that addicts who are considering recovery regularly say.

13:29 I just had a meltdown standing in my front yard screaming, "Stop the insanity," in the pouring rain. After 10 years of dealing with an addicted daughter, I've had it.

In this episode, we’re talking about codependence. As humans, it is virtually impossible to escape without falling prey to this affliction. Many Recovery Stakeholders share that they feel like worrying about their loved one that's struggling with addiction is a full-time job. It can be challenging to break out of that web of confusion. You need to find a new job . . . one that prioritizes taking care of yourself. There are ways to keep codependence from consuming you.

Time Stamped Show Notes:

01:10 Recently, Carrie Fisher, the Star Wars sweetheart suffered a heart attack on an airplane and died a few days later.

03:24 Aware Appreciation.

05:38 Many Recovery Stakeholders share that they feel like worrying about their loved one that's struggling with addiction is a full time job.

08:39 A lot of people who have a compulsive personality do find that they are all or nothing. They are 100% in it or 100% out of it.

11:25 This image includes stop behaviors, warning sign behaviors that indicate you are treading on thin ice and, healthy behaviors.

11:54 Codependence is so seductive. We are tricked into believing that we will be loved and appreciated commensurate with how codependent we are.

16:45 I had kicked him out before because of all the lying and stealing. Am I stupid for giving him a second chance?

You know you need to do things differently but the people in your world . . . especially the addict . . . are probably not thrilled with your newfound approach to dealing with them or their problems. If you're trying to set and hold boundaries with an addict, you WILL face blow back. Addicts are masterful manipulators. Let's make sure you're prepared.

Time Stamped Show Notes:

01:10 We live in Hilton Head, South Carolina. In the last few months, we were hit by two hurricanes.

03:20 Aware Appreciation.

05:38 If you're trying to set and hold boundaries with an addict, you WILL face blow back. Addicts are masterful manipulators. Let's make sure you're prepared.

08:47 Most of us set boundaries really easily\y but we don’t hold them. Or, maybe we don’t set them because we are fearful that we won’t hold them.

11:11 Then there is the thoughtful, loving, and intimate way of setting boundaries which is what I encourage you to develop.

12:29 In order to survive the storm that is addiction, you need to carefully plan the boundaries you set . . . so that you can hold them.

12:50 I'm at the end of my rope. I'm a wreck and need advice.

In this episode, Dr. Gala helps you understand how addiction really works and what it’s trying to accomplish. If you are a recovery stakeholder, you'll be challenged to think differently as we dig deeper into ways that we can outsmart addiction. It is helpful to see addiction ... not really as an enemy but rather ... as a friend. And, it has served the addict well but its usefulness has come to an end.

Time Stamped Show Notes:

01:03 Now, Johann Hari is definitely a recovery stakeholder. He had a number of family members that had struggled with addiction and it caused him to launch into several years of intense researching around the war on drugs.

03:40 Aware Appreciation.

05:57 If you're dealing with a loved one that is struggling with addiction, it is understandable that you would be cynical. Nothing you've done has made a difference . . . yet . . . What do we mean by outsmarting addiction?

11:16 Addiction is just a symptom of an underlying cause. Maybe you’ve started putting that together from what I’m sharing with you here today.

11:52 The addict brain is pretty smart but we are smarter. We can see what is happening and why it is happening

12:47 That is why I’m sharing with you a little bit of information to help you understand how addiction really works and what it’s trying to accomplish.

13:43 I am so upset and need advice. My son is in jail for stealing a car.

The stakeholder relationship is really important. Once you understand what it is, you will see it at work in many situations. As a recovery stakeholder, you have a stake in your loved ones’ recovery. You have a stake in seeing recovery stick. So, we coined the term recovery stakeholder. It seemed appropriate and most people that we have talked to that are in this boat agree. The important thing to recognize is that it is a slippery slope for a stakeholder to become codependent with the person that they are in relationship with.      

 Time Stamped Show Notes:

01:36   She talks about how she can see now that she enabled him as he was growing up . . . just trying to be a good mom that wanted life to be a little easier for her son.

02:13   Aware Appreciation. 

04:28   Are you still scratching your head a bit? Wondering, what a recovery stakeholder is? And, even if you are one? Let’s start with defining recovery stakeholders.

09:34   Make sure that you are not enabling the addict and prolonging the inevitable. 

10:54   Whatever your relationship is with that person, at a certain point, they have to take responsibility for the issue.

15:38   Sometimes, the only thing we can do is to just confront the craziness that we are in the middle of and say, “That is the addiction talking.”

16:45   I am feeling torn. I hadn't heard from my son in over a week. He texted me yesterday and, once again, blamed my husband and I for what's going on in his life.