Not every man will speak with his words…sometimes its with his clothing, like not wearing any around the house…cuz damn its gettin hot down there 🥵

Get off my back mom and dad! Weed is a great investment!! Well…an investment in my sanity! How am I supposed to put a job application together when you’re stressing me outtttt…its literally my 45th birthday 

Yeaaa so turns out sleeping with my friends boyfriend isn’t going to ‘strengthen our relationship’ like I thought it would….oops! Also we have a date tomorrow so if you could not be in your house the would be great!

Yea I actually don't bathe because its such a waste of water and resources...I also don't wash my clothes either because duuuuh waste of water AGAIN!!

Yea actually company policy says I'm actually allowed to care for my children so sorry that doesn't fit into your schedule :( I filed complaint on your behalf to HR tho!

Yeaa so who would’ve thought it wasn’t a good idea to control a submarine with a PS5 controller…also didn’t think id have to tell you but please don’t take that nuclear waste home with you :)

I know you think I'm doing drugs, but even if you shoot that directly into your veins you'll realize it's dust from a T-Rex fossil...also I will be cleaning my own towels now.

I’m not supposed to tell anyone but Iron Man is a true story…based on my dad…he said he will disintegrate bullies for me…also don’t eat in bed or ants are going to live in your ears and nest in your brain :) luv u 

Babe it's actually awesome, the cockroaches have learned to carry us around the apartment! No more walking!! And don't worry every time you show up the dishes get done! Not sure who it is but it makes it perfect for when you're here spending quality time :))

Listen...microwave popcorn every night for dinner might be the move, also next time we are at the bar let's be sure to find the bathroom and talk right in front of the door so people have to sneak by and say "excuse me" to get in...and let's also give them dirty looks for doing that!!