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Relationship Truth: Unfiltered
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Relationship Truth: Unfiltered episodes
- Addressing Domestic Violence in the ChurchTitle: Relationship Truth Unfiltered: Addressing Domestic Violence in the Church
Description:
In this episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, host Leslie Vernick engages in a thought-provoking conversation with Pastor Dan, discussing the often overlooked issue of domestic violence within Christian marriages and the church. Together, they explore the challenges faced by pastors and church leaders in recognizing and addressing abuse, as well as the importance of equipping oneself with the necessary knowledge and tools to provide appropriate support. They emphasize the significance of understanding the power and control dynamics in abusive relationships, the need for accurate diagnosis and treatment plans, and the potential pitfalls of prioritizing institutional reputation over the safety and well-being of individuals. Pastor Dan also shares insights into his church's innovative approach of utilizing case managers to bridge the gap between families in crisis and community resources. The episode concludes with practical advice for individuals seeking to approach their pastors and create a safe space for discussing domestic violence within the church.
Episode Highlights:
- The importance of recognizing and addressing domestic violence within Christian marriages and church settings.
- The role of the Power and Control Wheel in identifying signs of control and abuse.
- The challenges faced by pastors in acknowledging domestic violence and the need for equipping oneself to handle such situations.
- Differentiating between marriage issues and the underlying personal sin issues that contribute to abusive behavior.
- The potential harm caused by prioritizing institutional reputation over the safety and well-being of individuals.
- The significance of accurate diagnosis and appropriate treatment plans when addressing domestic violence.
- The Family Stress Support program: Using case managers as bridge builders between families in crisis and community resources.
- Approaching pastors with humility and concern, encouraging them to address the pain and seek support for victims of domestic violence.
- Balancing the values of truth and love in addressing domestic violence within the church.
Don't miss this eye-opening episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, where Leslie Vernick and Pastor Dan shed light on the crucial issue of domestic violence and offer insights for individuals, pastors, and churches seeking to create a safe and supportive environment for those affected.
48 min - A Story of Staying Well
Join us on this compelling episode as we dive into Connie's courageous journey of overcoming marriage struggles, finding healing, and experiencing personal growth. Through her candid and heartfelt story, Connie shares the challenges she faced in her marriage, including infidelity, unmet needs, and emotional disconnection. She opens up about her journey of self-discovery and the transformative impact of resources like the Conquer series and Leslie Vernick's teachings.
Episode Highlights:
- Connie's upbringing and how it influenced her views on love and marriage.
- The breakdown of trust and emotional disconnection in her relationship.
- The impact of infidelity and its aftermath on Connie's mental and emotional well-being.
- Seeking help through therapy and the limitations of traditional counseling approaches.
- Understanding the power of taking ownership of one's feelings and healing journey.
- The importance of boundaries and self-care in maintaining personal well-being.
- Finding support and community through the Conquer program and connecting with like-minded individuals.
- Overcoming the urge to blame and focusing on personal growth instead.
- Embracing the idea that healing and change start with oneself, rather than trying to fix or change your partner.
- Learning to identify and address one's own needs and expectations within the relationship.
- The role of self-compassion and self-love in rebuilding trust and finding contentment.
Whether you're facing similar struggles in your marriage or seeking personal growth and healing, Connie's story offers valuable insights and inspiration. Join us on this empowering episode to gain hope, discover resources, and find the strength to conquer your own challenges.
51 min - Biblical Reasons to Separate
Part 1: Understanding Destructive Marriages
In this episode, Leslie defines what a destructive marriage is and explains the difference between a difficult marriage and a destructive one.
Part 2: Why It's Not Your Fault
Leslie discusses the common misconception that women in destructive marriages are responsible for the behavior of their spouses. She offers insight into how to overcome feelings of guilt and shame and empowers women to take steps toward healing and wholeness.
Part 3: Confronting the Truth
This is where Leslie talks about the importance of confronting the truth about your marriage. She offers practical advice on how to identify patterns of destructive behavior and how to set healthy boundaries in order to protect yourself and your children.
Part 4: Choosing Your Own Path
Leslie discusses the difficult decisions that women in destructive marriages often face, including the decision to stay or leave. She offers guidance on how to make those decisions and encourages women to prioritize their own well-being and the well-being of their children.
Part 5: Embracing Freedom
Here, Leslie discusses the concept of freedom and how it applies to women in destructive marriages. She offers encouragement and practical advice on how to embrace freedom, even in difficult circumstances, and how to move forward with hope and courage.
46 min - The Pastor of Murder Victim, Stacy Peterson, Has a Message for Women & Churches
In this episode of Relationship Truth: Unfiltered, we have a special guest, Neil Schori, a pastor who has dedicated his life to helping victims of abuse find safety and healing in the church.
- Pastor Neil Schori shares his personal experience counseling Stacy Peterson. Stacy missing shortly after telling Pastor Neil that her husband had confessed to her that he killed his former wife, Kathleen Savio.
Stacy has never been found. Pastor Neil shares how that tragedy led him to a deeper understanding of the prevalence of abuse in the church.- Pastor Neil discusses the challenges of identifying and addressing abuse in the church. He talks about the importance of creating a safe space for victims to come forward and the need for pastors to be educated and equipped to deal with abuse.
- Pastor Neil talks about the role of forgiveness in healing from abuse. He emphasizes that forgiveness does not mean forgetting or excusing the abuse, but rather releasing the offender to God and choosing to let go of the anger and bitterness that can hold us back from healing.
- Pastor Neil discusses the importance of accountability in the church. He emphasizes the need for pastors and leaders to take responsibility for creating a culture of safety and for holding abusers accountable for their actions.
- Pastor Neil talks about the need for churches to be proactive in preventing abuse. He emphasizes the importance of creating policies and procedures to prevent abuse from happening in the first place, as well as training pastors and leaders to recognize and respond to abuse.
- Pastor Neil offers a message of hope and healing to victims of abuse. He reminds listeners that the abuse they experienced was not their fault and that there are people who will believe them and help them break free from the tragedy of abuse. He also shares about his work with the evidentiary affidavit of Abuse, a tool for victims to document their abuse and have their voices heard in court.
Resources- To legally document an abusive situation, go to www.documenttheabuse.com
- Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
- “Time’s Up” book by Susan Murphy Milano for practical tools to help women get safe
- Leslie Vernick’s Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start
- Overcoming the Narcissist, Sociopath, Psychopath, and Other Domestic Abusers: The Comprehensive Handbook to Recognize, Remove and Recover from Abuse by Charlene Quint
- The Life-Saving Divorce by Gretchen Baskerville
- Follow Neil on Twitter: @NeilSchori
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53 min - Pastor Neil Schori shares his personal experience counseling Stacy Peterson. Stacy missing shortly after telling Pastor Neil that her husband had confessed to her that he killed his former wife, Kathleen Savio.
- Betrayed By a Sex AddictI. Discovering the BetrayalJayne shares the shock of finding out about her husband's affairDiscusses the discovery of additional affairs and a pornography addictionThe impact of betrayal trauma on her emotional and mental healthII. Coping with the AftermathThe decision to seek marriage counselingThe challenge of keeping the situation a secret from family and friendsThe importance of having a support system during difficult timesIII. Struggles as a Christian CoupleThe conflict between faith and the reality of the situationThe shame and stigma surrounding sexual addiction in Christian communitiesThe decision to leave the marriage and how it aligned with their faithIV. Moving ForwardJayne's journey of healing and self-discoveryThe importance of forgiveness and letting go of resentmentThe hope for a better future and healthy relationshipsResources:
Is Your Marriage Difficult, Disappointing, or Destructive? Find out with this free Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start
www.leslievernick.com
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48 min - Ask Leslie!
In this episode Leslie answers these listener questions:
- So how do you deal with your husband when you remove yourself either to a different room or a walk in the woods or even leaving the house and he tells your that you are just running from your problems.
- My husband had been verbally and sexually abusing me for years. I told him I want a separation a month and a half ago l. He finally moved to another room a month ago and started going to therapy, church, acting nicer and helping around the house. I see he is acting better but I don’t feel differently. I told him so and he got very upset and said if I don't want to work on it I need to start paying my way. What am I to do if I can’t get the feelings back? All I have is trauma and pain.
- My marriage falls into the "deeply disappointing" rather than the destructive category. It is so hard to know what to do because the thought of making an exit seems to be for my own comfort or the possibility to find someone more compatible and that seems selfish and like "not reason enough" to me. Please give me your thoughts about this.
- Every time I make up my mind that I need to leave my marriage, I will get some unexpected “sign” that I think is from God and it makes me do a 180* and stay and try again to throw myself back into my marriage and to forgive and forget and to believe that “now” is not the moment and God will let me know the time to leave.
- What’s a baby step we can put into practice to be self aware?
- How do you become self aware when you're being gaslighted?
- How to deal with the loneliness when letting go of the marriage?
- I have been doing this for quite sometime and I have noticed it is worse. I am terrified to leave. I have no family and desire to know how to get over this intense fear.
- The burning question in my heart is: I said “for better or for worse” in my marriage vows. Do I have the right to be rejecting him being “for worse?"
Join Conquer! (Doors close April 21)
www.leslievernick.com/joinAsk a Question:
Leave a comment on your preferred podcast app or go to Leslie's YouTube page and leave a comment on this episode:
https://www.youtube.com/@leslievernick46 min - Leslie and Lysa TerKeurst Talk Boundaries
In this episode Leslie talks with best selling author and president of Proverbs 31 Ministries, Lysa TerKeurst.
Lysa’s latest book, “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes,” helps readers stop the dysfunction of unhealthy relationships by showing them proven ways to set boundaries—and, when necessary, how to say goodbye—without losing the best of who they are.
Prepare to hear some very practical advice when it comes to boundaries, especially in the area of destructive relationships.
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Takeaways- There IS a problem when, in order to cover up the worst of who someone else is I have to bury the best of who I am.
- Know your capacity and your limitations. You don’t have to lose sleep, go into debt and be overly sacrificial to help another. That isn’t what
- We have to elevate the safety of women. We preserve life first, with the hope that the marriage can also be preserved.
- To the level I give someone access to my capacity, relational/emotional/physical/financial, etc., a partner should demonstrate an equal level of responsibility. The problem is when I give level 10 access to me and they have level 3 responsibility. You may need to put a boundary on yourself to give them a lower level of access.
- If a husband has been unfaithful or abusive, that is not being a responsible husband. And, yet, Christian women are told they have to give their husband full access to their bodies. This is wrong teaching.
- Life Giving Boundaries… Five guidelines for implementing
- Take a realistic assessment. What is going on here?
- Assess what are the consequences for the other person and for me if I implement this boundary? Are you willing to pay the price that establishing this boundary may cost you?
- What other relationships will be affected with these boundaries? Kids, extended family and friends, etc.?
- You must make healthy choices even if the short-term consequences are painful.
- Children are more perceptive than you think and it does them more harm when you pretend things are okay when they already perceive things are not okay.
- Plan ahead. You plan in times of strength for times of struggle. Decide your boundary - a boundary on yourself - ahead of time. Boundaries are about controlling yourself, not another person.
- You have to communicate your boundaries. Lysa writes out scripts for boundaries in her book, “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes.”
- The difference between a bad goodbye and a good goodbye
- A bad goodbye is when that person is walking away we cannot acknowledge anything about that person or relationship that was good. In our heart it’s important to celebrate what is good. You get to choose what to keep and what to let go and what to put away for a time because they are maybe too painful right now.
- Good goodbye. Have “mini funerals.” The end of a marriage is a death but there is no funeral. There is no marked place to go and grieve. Acknowledge the grief. Process the grief. Have a little funeral inside of your heart and place that “loss” in God’s hands. Say goodbye and God be with you. Goodbye.
- What has happened is a part of your story but it’s not all of your story. Honor who God has called you to be.
Resources:
Register for Leslie's free, live webinar, "How long should you keep hoping for your destructive spouse to change and how will you know his change is real?" Click here to register: https://leslievernick.com/freetrainingFind more resources at www.leslievernick.com
Lysa's Resources
- Lysa Terkeurst website: www.proverbs31.org
- Lysa’s new book: Good Boundaries & Goodbyes
- Lysa’s podcast: https://lysaterkeurst.com/therapy-and-theology/
- Lysa’s other books and merch: https://www.p31bookstore.com/collections/lysa-terkeurst-books-and-bible-studies
- Connect with Lysa at www.LysaTerKeurst.com or on social media @LysaTerKeurst.
1 hr 5 min - How Alcoholism Almost Destroyed a Missionary MarriageSubscribeApple * Google * Spotify * Amazon * iHeartLaura’s Lessons
- Learning to be okay with someone who is upset with me instead of trying to fix things. Learning that I couldn’t fix my marriage. I could do my work but I couldn’t do his.
- I was realizing that I didn’t like who I was becoming and I wanted to change for myself, regardless of what he did.
- My marriage was supposed to be a wonderful gift but it’s not a need. I came to the point where I realized that I would be okay whether he continued drinking forever or not. I just wasn’t going to continue with the abuse I was receiving.
- I couldn’t change him so I worked on changing myself
Laura’s Advice and Encouragement- Trust your gut. Most of the time, when you think they’re lying they probably are.
- God sees everything. Your pain, your struggle, how hard you’ve fought for your marriage and, no matter what responses you get from family, friends, your church, or community, God sees and he knows. He is your support and he’s right there with you.
- Even if your spouse never turns from their addiction, you have options. You have choices. You can improve your situation and still be the woman you want to be in it.
- Don’t stay isolated. Reach out to someone, even if it’s scary. Having a community of people who will support you is a must. You need a voice - other than your spouse’s - about the situations that you’re in.
Resources:
Register for Leslie's free, live webinar, "How long should you keep hoping for your destructive spouse to change and how will you know his change is real?" Click here to register: https://leslievernick.com/freetrainingFind more resources at www.leslievernick.com
40 min - Is He Really Sorry?
He says he's sorry. That you should forgive. But how do you know his words are true, that he won't repeat this sin in the future?
Takeaways:
Two questions to ask in order to determine if he's truly sorry:
- Does he care, through his actions as well as is words, about the impact his sin has on you?
- Is he committed to change, actively working on himself so that the sin does not repeat itself?
How to get over your anger and disappointment
- Forgive. Cancel the debt. This is a decision. You no longer expect anything from this person. You don’t have to trust him again but it will be best for your own well-being if you can forgive and let go of what happened. Forgiveness is freedom for you.
- It may take time for you to forgive. You don’t have to restore your relationship right away. If the person who sinned against you demands forgiveness, that’s a red flag. You need to go through a grief process.
- Accept the fact that we live with imperfect people.
Two paths to people “waking up” and repenting
- Words are the first path to getting someone to wake up. Honest, gentle, loving words. When we aren’t speaking the truth in love we aren’t loving well.
- Sometimes words don’t work. Consequences wake people up. Consequences can be a gift.
Resources:
Register for Leslie's free, live webinar, "How long should you keep hoping for your destructive spouse to change and how will you know his change is real?" Click here to register: https://leslievernick.com/freetraining
Find more resources at www.leslievernick.com
1 hr - Trauma and Transformation
Debbie Laaser knows what it’s like to be blindsided by the sexual sin of her husband. In this episode she not only shares what happened but the story of how she and her late husband, Mark, came to build a ministry to those dealing with sexual sin and the loved ones who are impacted by it.
SubscribeApple * Google * Spotify * Amazon * iHeart
Takeaways- Take care of symptoms. Work first on the trauma which leads to practical steps. Don’t skip this step. The trauma leads to real medical issues. Sleeping and eating and dealing with the lies you’ve lived with for so long. Figure out what other help you might need. Sleep deprivation is one of the worst things you can deal with when trying to work through hard problems.
There’s more than just “getting through this.” There is an opportunity for post-traumatic growth. God will teach you new things about yourself, others, and even the world. You can experience trauma and transformation. Allow your pain to speak to you about what you need.- Build up your community. Surround yourself with others who are walking this journey. Do not isolate. Silence and isolation are the worst enemies of getting well … for your husband and for you. You need other people!
- Take a look at your belief systems. Often you’re telling yourself things like, “I’ll never be able to trust him again…He’s never going to change…He’s ruined my life.” These belief systems are, most often, not correct. If you don’t get help with this, you’ll forever stay in a devastated place. The more your belief system is inaccurate, the more pain you feel. Counsel with a person who knows the truth and has walked this journey.
- Full disclosure is very important. You must know exactly what you’re dealing with. One of the resources to finding growth in the pain is to live in the truth.
Debbie Laaser’s ResourcesDebbie’s Ministry Website: www.faithfulandtrue.com
Debbie’s Book, “From Trauma to Transformation:” https://a.co/d/6AMFAmo
Faithful and True Podcast: www.faithfulandtrue.com/podcast
Other Resourceswww.leslievernick.com
Conquer is opening in April! www.leslievernick.com/joinconquer
46 min - Take care of symptoms. Work first on the trauma which leads to practical steps. Don’t skip this step. The trauma leads to real medical issues. Sleeping and eating and dealing with the lies you’ve lived with for so long. Figure out what other help you might need. Sleep deprivation is one of the worst things you can deal with when trying to work through hard problems.
About Relationship Truth: Unfiltered
From the publisher's feed
Relationship Truth: Unfiltered is a place for people of faith to find real answers when it comes to destructive relationships.
Leslie Vernick is the author of seven books, including the best-selling, ”The Emotionally Destructive Marriage.” She has dedicated her life to cutting through the religious confusion and teaching women to grow in their relationships: with God, with themselves, and with others.
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