The Weight of Need & The Freedom of Resonance

There is something in us that pulls toward others—not just toward connection, but toward attachment, toward something we can hold, something that feels like proof that we belong. We search for people who will affirm us, complete us, quiet the restless questions in our minds. And yet, the deeper we lean into this pursuit, the more it eludes us.

Need disguises itself as love, as friendship, as deep connection. It whispers that closeness is measured by dependency, that the truest bonds are the ones we cannot live without. It tells us that if we do not need someone—or if they do not need us—we must not be truly connected at all.

But this is a lie.

Need is not connection. It is captivity.

When we enter into relationships—any relationship—from a place of need, we are not standing in presence. We are reaching, grasping, leaning toward someone else in the hope that they will supply something missing in us. We are not engaging; we are consuming. We are not relating; we are securing.

And in doing so, we do not reveal ourselves. We reveal only the version of ourselves that ensures we will not be left behind.

The Weight of Need

Need is weighty. It clings. It anchors. It demands.

It makes us shape our words carefully, measuring our thoughts before they cross our lips, wondering if we will still be chosen if we are fully known. It makes us second-guess silence, fill spaces with pleasantries, perform instead of simply existing.

It does not ask, Who am I in this connection? It asks, Who do I need to be in order to keep this connection?

And so we shrink. We shift. We play roles we do not even realize we have stepped into. Not because we intend to, not because we mean to be dishonest, but because need makes us afraid. Afraid to lose. Afraid to be alone. Afraid that without this person, this approval, this presence—we might not be enough on our own.

But the truth? We were never meant to enter relationships as fractions of ourselves. We were never meant to mold, to contort, to filter out parts of who we are just to hold onto someone who will not hold us as we stand.

And yet, when we need, we do just that.

The Freedom of Resonance

Resonance is different.

It is not a demand, not a transaction, not an unconscious effort to be held in place. It is the meeting of two who are whole within themselves. It is presence without possession, closeness without confinement.

Resonance does not say, Stay so I won’t be alone.Resonance says, Stand with me so we may amplify one another.

Resonance does not say, Complete me.Resonance says, Meet me.

To resonate with another is not to need them for our survival. It is to step fully into our own presence, into our own essence, and meet them there. It is to be free in the connection, because what keeps us there is not fear, but alignment.

And yet, so many of us are missing this. So many of us are choosing need over resonance, mistaking obligation for love, mistaking attachment for depth. And in doing so, we lose something far greater than a single relationship—we lose the chance to stand in our own presence, to create with clarity, to engage with deeper meaning.

The Shift from Need to Resonance

So what happens when we stop needing and start resonating?

We no longer reach for connection like a starving man reaching for bread. We no longer rely on others to fill our silence—we step into it ourselves. We no longer fear solitude—we see it as the foundation for true connection. We no longer cling to people who do not align with us—we let them go, trusting that those who truly see us, who vibrate at the same frequency, will remain.

And in doing so, we find the relationships that were always meant for us.Not because they complete us, but because they expand us.

Resonance does not bind—it amplifies. It does not ask for proof—it recognizes. It does not shrink to fit—it stretches into fullness.

Few phrases hit harder than when the person we love says, “I’m not attracted to you anymore.” It feels like a direct assault on our identity, our value, and the very core of who we are. But in reality, while this statement is deeply painful, it holds within it layers of meaning, about them, about us, and the relationship. Understanding these layers and knowing how to respond with grace, authenticity, and strength is crucial.

What This Statement Really Means

When someone says they’re no longer attracted to you, it’s rarely about the superficial surface of physical appearance alone. Attraction, in its most profound sense, is deeply tied to connection, emotional, intellectual, relational, and physical. When that connection falters, so does attraction. This doesn’t mean you are less worthy or less valuable. It often means that the intimacy, vulnerability, and shared meaning that once bound you together has eroded.

This statement is often an emotional signal rather than a verdict. It may reflect their unmet needs, their struggles with vulnerability, or their projections about their own identity and fulfillment. It might even stem from cultural conditioning, where attraction is reduced to a transactional or purely physical idea rather than a response to genuine connection and intimacy.

It Does Not Define You

The first thing to understand is that this statement does not define you. It doesn’t measure your worth or determine your future. Attraction, like any human emotion, ebbs and flows. What your spouse feels in this moment is not a fixed reality; it’s a snapshot of where you both are emotionally and relationally.

You are not the sum of someone else’s attraction to you. You are a complex, layered individual, capable of immense growth, love, and transformation. To tether your sense of self-worth to the shifting tides of someone else’s feelings is to lose sight of the bigger picture: your identity is rooted in something far deeper than external validation.

These Experiences Are Signals to Grow

As painful as this moment may be, it’s important to recognize it for what it truly is: a signal. This isn’t the end of your worth, your identity, or even your capacity for connection. It’s a spark. It’s a wake-up call that invites you into the freedom of self-discovery and authenticity.

When someone tells you they’re no longer attracted to you, the natural response is to panic, to prove yourself, or to fight against it. But what if this experience isn’t about them at all? What if it’s about you? This moment is not about fixing yourself to fit their desires; it’s about uncovering who you are and stepping into the fullness of your true self.

Think of this as a spark, an ignition point for growth. The pain of their words can be transformed into power if you let it. It’s not about becoming more desirable for them; it’s about becoming more authentic for you. This is the beginning of a journey toward freedom, a journey where you shed the layers of pretense, fear, and external validation and reclaim the essence of who you are.

Becoming Authentic: The Key to True Attraction

This moment—however painful—can serve as a wake-up call. It is an invitation to examine yourself, not through the lens of shame or inadequacy, but through the lens of authenticity. Ask yourself: Are you truly living in alignment with who you are? Have you allowed fear, performance, or cultural expectations to mask your true self? Have you become so consumed with meeting external expectations that you’ve lost sight of your own identity?

True attraction arises when we live authentically. When we shed the layers of performance, fear, and insecurity, we become magnetic—not in a superficial sense, but in a way that reflects genuine connection, vulnerability, and confidence. When we reclaim our authenticity, we offer the world—and our spouse—a version of ourselves that is pure and whole.

If They Don’t Like the Real You, Let Them Go

[Video Commentary] [part 2 - the garden]

Eve, the first woman of the Bible, has been the subject of countless interpretations, debates, and discussions throughout the history of Christian thought. Her story is of profound significance, shaping our understanding of the human condition and our views on gender, sin, and redemption. From the earliest patristic writings to contemporary feminist theology, Eve’s narrative has been woven into the fabric of theological discourse, often reflecting each era's cultural and doctrinal concerns.

As I embark on this exploration of Eve’s story, I find myself deeply connected to the layers of meaning that have been attributed to her over the centuries. My journey with Eve is not an academic exercise but a personal reflection on how her story intersects with the broader narrative of redemption and restoration. Through this series of essays, I aim to reclaim Eve—not as the archetype of sin and downfall but as a complex, multifaceted figure who plays a crucial role in unfolding God’s redemptive plan.

In this introductory essay, I will lightly touch on the key themes that will be explored in greater depth throughout this series. Each section will reflect on the various interpretations of Eve, from the harsh critiques of the early church fathers to the empowering readings offered by feminist theologians. My hope is that through this journey, we will arrive at a more nuanced and holistic understanding of Eve—one that honors her significance in the biblical narrative and challenges the traditional interpretations that have often marginalized women.

The Patristic Legacy: Eve as a Theological Touchstone

The early church fathers were instrumental in shaping Christian theology, and their interpretations of Eve have left an indelible mark on the church’s understanding of gender and sin. Figures like Tertullian, Augustine, John Chrysostom, Ambrose of Milan, and Irenaeus of Lyons each offered their readings of Eve, often reflecting their time's cultural and doctrinal concerns.

Tertullian’s harsh critique of women, rooted in his interpretation of Eve’s role in the fall, set the stage for centuries of misogynistic thought within the church. His infamous statement, “You are the devil’s gateway,” has been echoed throughout history, reinforcing a view of women as morally weaker and more susceptible to sin. Yet, as I reflect on Tertullian’s words, I cannot help but question the fairness of this interpretation. Eve’s story is far more complex than a simple tale of disobedience, and to reduce her role to that of a temptress is to overlook the broader theological implications of her narrative.

Augustine’s doctrine of original sin, which implicates humanity in the fall, offers a more balanced view, yet it also carries the weight of a patriarchal worldview. While Augustine acknowledges that both Adam and Eve share responsibility for the fall, his writings have often been used to justify the subordination of women. However, Augustine’s broader theological framework also allows for the possibility of redemption and restoration, which is crucial in understanding Eve’s place in the story of salvation. In contrast, John Chrysostom’s pastoral approach to Eve reflects a more compassionate and empathetic view. His homilies emphasize the shared human experience of sin and the need for divine grace, offering a more inclusive interpretation of Eve’s role. Ambrose of Milan’s typological reading of Eve as a figure of the Church further enriches our understanding. At the same time, Irenaeus of Lyons’ concept of recapitulation introduces the idea of Eve as a precursor to Mary, the “new Eve,” who plays a pivotal role in the redemption of humanity.

As I consider these patristic interpretations, I am struck by the diversity of thought that has shaped the church’s understanding of Eve. While some of these readings have contributed to the marginalization of women, others offer a more redemptive and balanced pers...

Self-improvement.

A testament often heralded but fraught with peril. Indeed, we should strive to work on ourselves, but the reflection of my soul once revealed a man I neither desired to be nor to present to the world.

Improving the frail, fearful, and broken shell I once was, projecting a façade of confidence unconsciously, was not the answer. No, that man needed to die. And die, he did.

In some cases, the situation is so dire that replacement, not repair, is the only viable option. Yet, this does not negate the principle that everything is redeemable; everyone is capable of change.

It doesn't require mastery to effect this transformation. It requires discovery.

The more VALUE you bring into the world, the less freedom you have to sabotage your life because your purpose becomes a lifeline for others. Picture this: a single drop of water falling into a still pond, creating ripples that extend far beyond its point of impact. Similarly, our actions and purpose send waves that touch lives we might never meet. This truth underscores a profound reality: as our influence grows, so does our responsibility. Our actions no longer affect just ourselves; they ripple out, impacting the lives of those who depend on our purpose, our vision, and our very being.

Meeting people is where life happens, I believe, in its purest form. At this point, I realize that just as I have been inspired and in awe of others, they, too, have been inspired and in awe of me. This mutual inspiration is the essence of human connection. We are only special in our unique ability and interest in the lives of those around us… which makes us part of something greater: purpose, legacy, movement. I am often inspired.

Yet, this dependency from others can morph into unhealthy codependency if not navigated with wisdom and discernment. Consider the overbearing parent who, in their desire to protect, stifles the growth and independence of their child. It is here that we must lead from the ROOT of autonomy. Autonomy does not imply isolation but rather a well-defined sense of self that establishes clear boundaries with everyone around us. Imagine a garden: each plant thrives best when given its own space to grow, with clear boundaries to prevent entanglement and allow each one to flourish. These boundaries are not barriers but bridges to healthier, more authentic relationships. They delineate where we end and others begin, fostering an environment where mutual respect and individual growth coexist.

This is where strong interdependence and accountability are forged. It is within this space of healthy boundaries and self-awareness that intimate life thrives. Think of a dance: two partners moving in harmony, each aware of their own steps yet perfectly in sync with the other. This thriving intimacy is not confined to romantic relationships but extends to all forms of human connection. It is the bedrock upon which trust is built and upon which transformation occurs.

For the believer, this autonomy is the ROOT of our purpose, the POWER of our being, the CONTROL of our intention, and the PLAYFULNESS found in the joy of being who we are without fear, shame, or regret. Our faith informs and enriches this autonomy, grounding it in a higher purpose and a deeper sense of belonging. Imagine a tree rooted deeply in rich soil: its stability and growth come from its roots, but it reaches out, providing shade, fruit, and shelter to the world around it.

This is the abundant life shared with others. It is a life marked by the freedom to be authentically ourselves while embracing the responsibility that comes with our influence. It is a life where joy is not a fleeting emotion but a deep-seated state of being, born out of the assurance of our place in the world and our impact on it. Picture a lighthouse standing firm on the shore: it is grounded and unwavering, providing guidance and safety to all who navigate the turbulent waters.

“When we perceive a man, we perceive him as a whole. His physical body, his intellect, his personality – it’s all tied into who he is as a person. So, while his body may be aging, he’s growing more independent, successful, and mature. Therefore, he's still attractive – perhaps even more so. It doesn’t matter that he’s got some wrinkles, because his body is healthily aligned with his being.”

Grace, the woman who wrote this about men observes the antithesis in the world concerning women. I'm not here to debate it, it is true. Period. I'll talk in future publishing about this.

While some people would argue that women are not seen differently, it doesn't negate that it is true for many and a lack of privilege presented a different worldview. To argue against another person's experience is foolish. We don't get to speak for all who share commonality with us.

I look to start a conversation that would begin "When we perceive a [wo]man, we perceive him her as a whole."

While there are many men who would readily vow to perceive women as her whole, we must not be naive and pretend that our culture does not, as a collective, see women in this way. The loud, bold, open, and exposed reality of how some men view women is violent and subtle. The violent side of things, the hate, the ridicule, the objectification, the lack of empathy, the blind-sided workload, and the emotional and physical abuse are easy to spot. The subtle side is often more demeaning and unconsciously active. This is true, even for our sisters in this world. Subtle defines what is often unnoticeable. And what is unnoticeable can often be deadly. The death of agency, death of liberty, death of identity, and death of self-worth are just a few outcomes of unseen misogyny and sexism. I hope to explain the identity-crippling, painful, and isolating abuses and the emotional terror they cause in future writings. 

Seeing something and how it affects others can't be unseen. Once you see certain things, especially systemic and cultural hatred of half the population, you can't put that back in the bottle and be considered human. We don't know who can and cannot see women in a true sense as human beings, persons, and equals. For the men who do, it is obvious that we do not control the dominant voice and it appears to me, that we aren't even on the airwaves.

For over twenty years I have been preparing to speak to this issue. I'm not speaking for women or even to women. No, mainly I am speaking about how many view women and how men who see and know the truth should be partners in this journey to right centuries of wrongs.

It is wrong.

That is not up for discussion.

Grace asks her readers to "Think of the most beautiful woman you know."

"I doubt you’re thinking about her boobs or butt. You’re probably thinking about her vibe, her energy, how she makes you feel when you’re around her, how she is healthily aligned with her being. She doesn’t try hard because she doesn’t have to. She is firm, grounded, strong. She is emotional, sensitive, compassionate. She is everything that makes a woman and more. She is not the sum of her parts. She is not a trend. She is a gestalt."

Society, culture, and everything that makes these things tick is responsible. So, because we comprise society, we are responsible for changing it.

My next book publishing will be the title of this essay, and if permitted, will reveal my life-long passion for this issue, my journey to seeing things as they are, and that the spiritual side of life and love demands such attention, reform, and relegation of both the bold and silent bias against our sisters.

In this speaking, our sisters do not need men to defend them, fight for them, or stand in their place. This is part of the problem. They have the agency and ability to do so. They need partnership as human beings to overcome a long-standing hatred that is so common it's nearly invisible. 

But they can see.

Stains keep me up at night.

It's true. I have a tendency to obsess over stains on rugs, clothes, bedding, or anywhere else. There's a wine stain on our butcherblock countertop that only I can see. I've spent the last nine years trying to discover new ways of eradicating it. One day, I'll strip, sand, and refinish the whole lot; that will do it.

Most of the time, a stain is something to remove or clean. But in a positive sense, we can call a stain a mark.

Everyone thinks about making a "mark" on the world. And some of us leave negative marks or stains. So, let's just say that a mark is positive and a stain is negative depending on the outcome and most of all, the perspective.

The mind inside of me is always thinking. And today, I realized I'm not much for personal legacy but I am always, even from childhood, considering my impact on the world around me.

I reevaluated some goals recently that some of you may have seen on YouTube. Check it out if want a peek inside my insanity.

Today I have put some action to these goals with other thoughts.

THREE M's of leaving a MARK

MOVE

MEET

MOTIVATE

These three things are not an all-inclusive set of actions that will give me what I want, but they are MY WAY of organizing my life. And for those who know me, you understand this came to me in a nanosecond. I am a living, breathing alliteration factory.

MOVE

This means that I want to enter this phase of my life actively. So, I am going to rekindle my passions for martial arts, biking, strength training, shooting sports, calisthenics, and swimming. I find that when I engage my body my mind seems to be alive and focused. That is why I nearly always take calls and walk. I've recently added a "pedal" under my desk.

Not only is moving good for the body and mind, but it is also good for establishing good connections for creativity, spiritual growth, and prayer. There is something to be said about doing that keeps our mind free to truly be in the moment. A short read of the New Testament letters reveals this practice often.

MEET

I've never been a stranger to strangers. I love meeting new people and lately have been more isolated than not. So, part of the life I desire to live requires being actively involved, to a degree, with others.

This part requires me to prioritize and put FIRST things FIRST.

So, in the relationship portion of "meet" I put my marriage as the top priority over every other relationship. This is key. If my marriage falls cold, everything follows.

Second, my children. All five of them and soon-to-be two grandkids, and the two sons-in-law are a major priority. And while they are not the top, they are as important and often require more time than my wife and I have for each other. But that's OK. We enjoy the adult side of parenting together.

Then comes my relatives, spiritual family, my community, those who depend on me in advocacy, and anyone else that comes along as my neighbor. I have an obligation to them, but never at the cost of the first two. I will write more about these relationships in time.

MOTIVATE

I have little time for leisure. I've tried it. It doesn't suit me at all. I honestly do not care for doing "nothing" and find it causes me stress. Yes, I take time out and I love being alone to write, think, and enjoy some of my more creative interests. But I need to be actively working toward a goal most of the time.

So, motivation includes me, and those around me, toward a goal or desire. I find that most people are stagnant because they are not encouraged, guided, shepherded, and loved. It's amazing to me that so many religious people are bitter, lonely, and hard to be around when they claim to have ultimate 'joy'.

I think it's more important to encourage and motivate other people in life beyond all other interactions or investments available. Time together is always time for encouragement.

Don't hear what I am not saying.