Relief from Grief

Chumi Friedman
Director of HUG, a division of A Time for those who have experienced perinatal or infant loss

·       My sister-in-law had a stillborn. The one-year mark is coming up. Should I say something to her?

·       My brother lost an eleven-year-old son. But he was very special-needs. His bar mitzvah is coming up; they wouldn’t have made a real celebration anyway. Should I say something?

·       Does it make sense that my sister-in-law doesn’t want to talk about her loss while my brother-in-law wants to talk nonstop? I thought men are more reticent.

·       Is it better to say something cliché or just to say nothing?

These questions and more are posed to Mrs. Chumi Friedman all the time. There is no “one-answer-fits-all” here. She doesn’t know the person you are wondering about. But you do. Come listen and hopefully gain some valuable insights. 

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Mrs. Esther Gendelman, MS, LPC, ACS
Mrs. Esther Gendelman’s passion is to help people foster meaningful relationships. There is no such thing as a perfect person, which means there’s also no such thing as a perfect relationship, although some relationships feel rock solid. Yet loss can impact even the strongest relationships with ripples of uncertainty.

A mother can feel so confused as she watches her daughter navigate the pain of losing a child.Where is her place in all this? And does her pain as a grandmother count at all? Similarly, after a wife loses a parent, her husband may be confused by her changes in behavior and mood swings. Loss affects not only immediate family members but also extends its reach to siblings,neighbors, and friends.

In the wake of profound loss, individuals may find themselves navigating uncharted territory in their relationships. Moreover, if relationships were already strained before the loss, the added burden can exacerbate existing struggles.

Listen to Mrs. Gendelman as she speaks with much wisdom and understanding. Relationships can be complicated. But that doesn’t mean they can’t be wonderful.

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Hillel Fuld was preparing for Yom Kippur. Although he had heard the news about a terror attack in the neighborhood where his brother lived, he didn’t know that his brother was the victim. Because… well, these things only happen to other people. Except that sometimes they can happen to us.

During this time, when our hearts are with our brothers in Eretz Yisrael, when we all need to work on our emunah and we wonder why the world hates us, Mr. Fuld reminds us that halachah b’yaduah she’Eisav sonei l’Yaakov.  We can’t change that. But we can recognize that wherever we may find ourselves, we need to be absolutely committed to making a Kiddush Hashem.

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Rabbi Naftoli Kassorla, Speaker, Teacher and Rebbi in Yerushalayim

Imagine getting an unexpected call informing you that your brother died.  Presumably, you would always remember it as one of the most difficult phone calls of your life. But what happens if you haven’t spoken to that brother or had any kind of real relationship with him in years?

For valid reasons Rabbi Kassorla had found it simply impossible to maintain a relationship with him. In fact, Rabbi Kassorla was told that because of this history, he wasn’t even required to sit shivah. But his wife saw that perhaps it wasn’t so clear-cut. She encouraged her husband to re-ask the shailah. And so began a journey of grief that was very far from typical. Since that fateful phone call, Rabbi Kassorla has worked hard on himself, grappling with feelings of grief and confusion. Today, he has so much to share about that journey.     

Rabbi Kassorla can be reached at mailto:[email protected]


 

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Mrs. Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
Mrs. Mindy Blumenfeld is positive and upbeat. She is smiley, and she makes you smile.
You would never know that she lost her youngest son Hillel to cancer. Although she has
been profoundly impacted by her loss, she won’t let the pain bring her down into
negativity.

She started writing about Hillel as a means of finding comfort. But really, her journey
with writing about her son began with the puppets she created when Hillel was first
diagnosed at age six. Faced with the challenge of keeping him occupied during difficult
treatments, she created cute little puppets. These whimsical characters not only
provided a distraction for Hillel but also became a source of comfort throughout his
battle, even during his relapse at the age of eleven and his subsequent years of illness
until he succumbed at age sixteen.

While initially crafted for one young child, these puppets have surpassed their original
purpose. They are now featured in a book designed to teach children about facing
challenges, and surprisingly, they have become valuable teachers for adults as well.
The story of these endearing puppets has also earned a place on the Relief from Grief
podcast. Mrs. Blumenfeld's resilience and creativity shine through, turning a personal journey of pain into a story that just might make you smile.

Click here to order the book
https://www.israelbookshoppublications.com/store/pc/Hillel-and-the-Paper-Menschies-PRE-ORDER-29p10056.htm

https://www.amazon.com/Hillel-Paper-Menschies-Mindy-Blumenfeld/dp/B0CZPN2CDV/ref=sr_1_1?crid 

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Mr. Broyde, who happens to be my first cousin, discusses his struggles and pain after losing an uncle, aunt and cousin who were an integral part of his family.

He was part of the same tragedy that was my life. But as Mr. Aaron Broyde says repeatedly, it was from a seat further back. No one realized how much the loss of his relatives affected him because he was a nineteen-year-old bachur learning in yeshiva in Eretz Yisrael during that time.

He had stomach problems. The Israeli water is easy to blame for that. He had sleeping issues. Whatever. But after living with these issues for many years, even getting married and building his own family, Aaron said, “I can’t. I just can’t do this anymore.”  Finally, he invested time in understanding what trauma means. He spent time learning about neurological pathways. And he devoted time learning how to live with happiness and connection. 

He found his own way. But I think it can become the way for many other people too.

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Mrs. Barbara Bensoussan

Novelist and well-known contributor to frum publications

The young mother checked in to the hospital to have a baby. Nothing out of the ordinary. But this time, nothing went as expected. Not many people die from childbirth today, but Mrs. Benssousan’s daughter Miriam did. When her birth experience went awry, the doctors worked all night, desperately trying to ensure a happy outcome. They saved the baby. But the mother remained in a coma for the next four months until she passed away. This precious newborn never got to know her mother. Her two older sisters have, at best, only hazy memories.

And then, before the year of aveilus was done, tragedy struck again. Mrs. Benssousan’s six-year-old grandson came down with what appeared to be a simple infection.  But complications set in. For six months he fought for his life before succumbing.

Yet, despite her losses, Barabara is such a positive person. She clings to her emunah. And she clings to doing what is right.

She has been through a lot and she has a lot to offer.

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Rabbi Yitzchok Rubin Rav of Adas Aish Kodesh in Manchester England

She was Rebbetzin Rubin, but she was known as Chaiky. She had a way with people. Everyone who knew her felt loved and embraced by her – because she loved life, and she loved the people in her life. Whether it was her congregants or the ladies from the exercise class she gave, they all felt how deeply she cared.

Chaiky was a powerhouse of a person. She was always on the go, yet somehow had time for everyone.  She was on the phone with her grandson Pinny one day, but she needed to leave to be on time for her exercise class. She handed the phone to her husband and told him, “Here, you talk to Pinny.” And then she died.

Her husband, a choshuve rav and mechanech, introduces himself as Chaiky’s husband. Because to him that is who he is. He is everything because of his wife. It is four years now since her petirah.  He says, “The searing pain has diminished somewhat, but it hasn’t disappeared. I live with it always.”

Yet through his pain he talks about accepting difficult nisyonos. 

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Rabbi Henoch Plotnik

Rosh Mesivta of Kesser Yonah, well-known speaker, actively involved with LINKS

The Torah recognizes the pain of loss, and the Torah gives us guidelines for navigating loss with the laws of shivah and aveilus, many of which correspond to the state of the neshamah of the niftar. There is much that we deduce about loss from the Torah, whether from Avraham Avinu, Aharon HaKohen or Dovid HaMelech.

Rabbi Plotnik talks to us about loss through the lens of the Torah, sharing stories past and present to give perspective.

Rabbi Plotnik acknowledges that loss is so painful. A he talks about strengthening emunah and learning from those who walked the path ahead of us. He is known to be an inspiring speaker; when you listen to this episode, you will understand why.

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