I see you.

I am right here.

Holding this spot open.

Come in and rest, my love.

The frustration.

The aching.

The longing.

The spinning in circles around and around..

What could have been..

What should have been; different, better.

There is room for it here.

There is space for all of it here, my love.

Come in and lay your head on my lap.

Come in and warm your bones by the fire awhile.

Give yourself some respite from the constant motion.

And be still.

Let what’s been just below the surface arise and be felt.

When we are constantly in the static layer all the things we don’t feel get submerged.

Let them bubble up, my love.

We have time.

You are allowed.

The big

The small

The ugly

The ratchet

The messy

The joyous

The silly

The getting-it-wrong

The triggered

The angry

The fall-on-your-knees-crying-and-laughing-at-the-same-time, my love,

And for no reason at all.

Other than Life will always take you out in the end.

And isn’t that funny?

And sad?

And overwhelmingly beautiful?

I see you.

I feel you.

I am right here, my love.

You are allowed.

To experience this frequency with my guidance book a HOME BODY session.

HOME BODY is a one hour with me guiding you in to your body, as your home. Three more at $111, then the price will go up.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe

There are facts about our lives and bodies that people like to pretend don’t exist or don’t fully grasp.

We will all die.

Yes, this is a fact.

Death is the most patient player in this game and She will always win, no matter how long we hold out. Fact.

To live in denial or avoidance of this fact actually robs us of life.

Our bodies have needs. Animal needs.

We need food, water, rest, sex, community, and love.

To be in denial or avoidance of these facts also robs us of life.

We may technically “survive” without these things for a time, but life will not be as full and our systems will not be as juiced.

If we go a layer deeper into our physical animal body facts, we also have physiological needs.

We need certain minerals, in a certain balance to make sure our heart keeps beating and peristalsis (the movement of food through the GI tract) keeps happening.

All the involuntary things that our bodies do without us thinking about it require charged particles (minerals) in certain ratios within and outside the cells.

They also require ATP (energy/fuel).

We need certain amino acids (aka protein) to produce energy to fuel our brain to keep our nervous system online and our body continuing to function.

We need nutrients, in their bio-available form, to make sure that chemical reactions in the body can happen and at the right times.

These are facts of life, my friends.

Denying them doesn’t make them not facts.

Your hunger and cravings come from these animal needs.

They may then be interpreted through the mind because most of us have gotten so mental about what our needs are and what needs we are allowed to have that we have stopped the natural process of: I feel hungry. I’ll eat. I feel tired, I’ll rest.

Our bodies are so adaptable that they will get what they need through all sorts of contorted and distorted ways if we don’t heed the simple signals, until the simple signals themselves are gone and everything feels confusing and convoluted and our body is in a state of fight or flight chronically because it’s needs have been so subverted for so long.

The answer is not to make things more confusing, restrict the body more, no, it is to start to build a relationship of trust with the animal needs of our bodies.

To say to our bodies, “I trust you. I love you. I am finally listening.”

The fact is people, especially women of childbearing age, need to consume animal products to get the minerals, nutrients, protein and fat that their animal bodies require.

The fact is people, especially women of childbearing age, need carbohydrates like root veggies, fruit, sugar and honey to let their bodies know they are safe, that food is abundant, and that their bodies can let go a little bit and relax.

Properly raised nose to tail meat and seafood, pastured and raw dairy, and (gasp) cane sugar are some of the most necessary foods for the facts of life.

There is really no legitimate way to argue with this.

(Although I know I will probably get PLENTY of people trying to argue with me, but I am not interested, take it to your own platform).

In my experience, having been a pretty diehard vegetarian, vegan and even raw vegan for a year, these diets are in direct conflict with living in alignment with the facts of life.

In very sneaky ways. Especially raw veganism which bases itself on so many promises of all the “aliveness” you would feel.

Yes, you’ll feel alive for a short amount of time because of the sheer amount of stress hormones surging through your body, but see how you feel a few years into veganism. See where your true markers of health (strong ovulation, asymptomatic periods, libido, body temp, healthy skin, nails and hair) are. I almost guarantee they will not be good. But you might be skinny! You’ll take up sooo much less space! And thats totally awesome and a great way to really live! 🙄

To be in denial of our need to consume animal based products is to deny the facts of life.

And just like denying death, it will rob us of life.

It takes away the “juice” of aliveness on the very physical level in the way it creates immobile and unlubricated tissues and on the energetic level which requires so much control and restriction around what and how we eat.

The way we get our needs met is the way in which we truly live. Getting our needs met is the way we create our own reality.

A reality where we are the fully FED version of ourselves.

This is part of what we will land in FED.

We begin in July. If you feel the pull in your heart and body, this is for you, the first step of this work is to trust it.

**this was inspired by a post by Demetra Gray (@demetragray__ )and a live video by Olivia Lara Owen (@olivialaraowen). These are both beautiful places to immerse yourself more deeply in this topic and get some other views.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe

Motherhood has helped me peek into my deepest and darkest corners.

It has asked me to get down on my knees and then go down further, laying fully flat to the ground, listening, still.

Some days all I can do to stay in my body is to repeat beloved Buddhist teacher, Tich Naht Hahn’s, “Breathing in. I am aware of my in breath. Breathing out. I am aware of my out breath,” over and over again as I breathe.

Most days I end up on my face, wondering how I could feel this incredibly full and also this incredibly used up, at the same time.

I have been in a stretch of grieving my old self again. These come in waves, I’ve found.

I see other people out there building their businesses, making money, spreading their words and teachings, having time and freedom to do whatever they please, watching TV, relaxing around the dinner table, and SLEEPING, dear God, sleeping, whenever and however long they wish to.

And I remember when I had those things and I lament my lack of obvious freedom.

But there has never been a responsibility I have gained throughout the unfolding of adult-life, that didn’t also build my capacity for having.

And the Truth is I have always yearned so deeply to be well used.

Something I used to pray multiple times a day is, “Please use me.” This was a plea with Universe to move through me. To make my life a life of service.

When this tiny blip of time that I call my human life is over I want to have felt sure that I lived my life out to the furthest edges.

That is the thing that keeps me seeking and keeps me on the ground. This desire to know what it means to experience myself as separate but still be connected the whole at the same time.

To see what is like on the other side of my fears.

To lean in to the places I would rather avoid.

To have a messy human life so that I may experience the full range of humanness.

One of my favorite quotes from Hunter S. Thompson is:

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely, in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather skid in broadside, in a cloud of smoke, throughly used up, throughly worn out, and loudly proclaiming, “Wow! What a ride!”

To be at a period in my life where there is no extra is such a gift.

It is such an incredible place to titrate from when it comes to service.

If I can slow down long enough to hold the wild dog of my mind at bay I can feel how this is exactly the life I have chosen.

This is exactly what I have always been yearning for.

Through motherhood, my prayer of “please use me” has been answered in the most meaningful way I could have imagined.

So I might as well enjoy every exhausting moment of it.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe

Sometimes I feel like there is an attack on humanity happening.

It can seem like there is a systematic separation of humans from their animal body and their connection to the deeper thing, unconditional love.

As a society:

We don’t trust healthy and robust women’s bodies to birth babies without treating them as if they are undergoing some life threatening procedure, when humans have been birthing babies since there were humans.

As a welcome to the world we rip babies away from the woman who’s womb they have literally went from a single cell into a human within and shine lights in their faces and start making numeric measurements. Inflicting preverbal trauma immediately upon coming into the world. Welcome to your new home!

We disregard the way women have evolved to make the perfect food for a baby human and tell mothers that breastfeeding is hard and not necessary. We don’t take into account that breastfeeding isn’t only a far superior nutrition source, it’s also about skin to skin contact and the development of a regulated nervous system in an infant.

There is virtually zero discussion about how much external support breastfeeding a baby for 12+ months requires. It is a full time job, around the clock, no days off. It requires a woman to eat 3000-4000 calories a day. That’s a lot of cooking, money and clean up.

We inject fear into mothers around sleeping with their own babies so that babies are left crying alone in their own cribs and rooms until their physiology becomes so untrusting of the world, they freeze and ‘sleep’ to conserve their energy. We are told they are learning to “self-soothe” when we know that an infant’s brain is quite literally incapable of soothing itself and requires a loving caretaker for their brains to actually calm down.

We know now that the ages of 0-3 are the most pivotal developmental ages on all levels and yet there is the least amount of support offered to parents with children within these ages.

We are made to believe our bodily urges and needs are not to be trusted. You’re hungry? You must addicted to food! You’re tired? There must be a pathological reason for it? You’re depressed? Here, take this medication. What if we just needed to eat, sleep and rest, and allow ourselves the lack of productivity and unraveling of our psyche the depression is pulling us in to?

We are modeled to and told we should fit in, contort ourselves, make ourselves smaller and less bright, so that we don’t rock the boat or offend anyone.

We are traumatized people being raised and led by traumatized people. Our whole culture in some ways a trauma response. Everyone in some version of fight, flight, or freeze; victim, persecutor or rescuer, constantly.

We are told we are successes or failures based what we ‘do’ and how much material possessions we have in the world.

We spend our time numbing ourselves through substances, drama, gossip, entertainment, and work.

We are so afraid to feel the way we feel we’ll do anything to avoid the Truth of it. We are so afraid of becoming unraveled, despondent, and unproductive, we will stay pinging around in our miserable, mental tornado of thoughts.

We are so afraid of the great mystery we would rather view the world through the pinhole of our minds instead of allowing ourselves to Know what we know, through our ancient DNA.

We feel endlessly frustrated and despairing about the health, shape, ‘flaws’ of our bodies and faces because we don’t look like the ideal this sick society has decided is deserves status.

The hungry ghost of living only in survival mode.

Our society says it values love, but over and over again it proves that fear is by far the most governing factor.

On a societal level, we do not even know what love is, let alone value it.

All our laws, government, news cycles, practices, medical systems, education systems, are based in fear, manipulation, domination and control.

One of my gifts, that I’m only recently tapping into consciously, is to see and feel the deepest thing. Like the thing underneath all the other things. The deepest thread of truth.

Most of the time people are not ready to hear about it. I have spent my life being victimized by knowing what is true and having people not be ready to hear it. So much so that I have doubted my ability to feel the truth at times.

But what I’ve realized is that I am connected to the deeper thread of truth that isn’t always ready to be known at a wide and conscious level.

So these things I’m saying right here, you may not be ready to hear, and that is OK.

I am also not saying these things to dig up more victim story.

I am saying them because they are true at a very deep level and I am in service to that deepest thing.

And that deepest true thing is ultimately Love.

On one level, love is always leading. All of the “bad” s**t is always leading us back to love.

But there is also a way that we are being led away from love, we are getting deeper and deeper into the trees and losing sight of the forest.

Choosing love is the way of the heart, not of our minds.

Following our hearts in spite of the overwhelming influence of collective mind is the work here.

Walking the way of heart and the way of love is not always a soft and gentle path, sometimes it requires a fortitude that you can only get from a deep faith in the unseen.

Walking the way of the heart requires a commitment to feeding yourself on all levels as the pull of the mind is so strong we must strengthen our bodies so that they may withstand the mind’s gravity.

There are two ways to work with me right now.

1:1 Alchemical Journey | 6 months

FED | 6 months into all levels of nourishment | Starts July 10th

Message if you feel called to one of these or if you just want to tell me about how this landed for you. I’m right here, ready and available.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe

Today sean and I had a little impromptu three hour date to a nearby hot springs without the girls.

I was sharing about my recent experience at BURST and talking about how I’ve touched into this uncomfortable truth that I have a huge and soft heart.

After I was finished sharing, Sean said, “When I think about when we first started dating, that is what I remember most about you; your big heart.”

I felt myself go full involuntary. Like my cheeks got hot. My mind started spinning. I wanted to cry and laugh and punch him all at the same time.

A part of me really wants to believe that people can’t see me.

That I am alone.

That I am this mysterious and complicated being that no one, not even my husband, could fully understand.

A part of me would really prefer I keep myself separate, to keep myself safe.

To keep a fence around my sensitivity.

To put a wall up between my softness and the world.

And there are plenty of good reasons I have tried so hard to hide and protect my incredible capacity to and for love.

When I was little and my heart was less closed off, it got hurt, in big ways and in little ways.

And each time it got hurt I built a new barricade between my heart and the world.

And slowly as the barricades became thicker and taller I forgot about my big heart.

I lost sight of it.

I started to identify more with the barricades instead of the thing they were protecting.

It’s been a slow remembering and de-armoring of my heart and I feel like just in the past month I have finally gotten a full view of this massive portal at the center of my chest again and goddamn is it so beautiful.

And scary.

And huge.

And epic.

I’ve got my Woman here now and she can hold me.

This huge gushy heart of mine doesn’t need these hard layers protecting it anymore.

So here I am making a choice to let that girl with the soft big heart come out more.

To get to know her again.

To feel her love and her magic and her medicine.

To let her be loved and to love.

To let her be seen and felt and connected.

To receive the nourishment that is already right here for me.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe

Mac and Cheese and The Morality of Food

Mac and cheese from a box was something I used to deem “off limits.”

For me, ‘off limits’ foods were foods I would gaslight myself into thinking that I didn’t want or enjoy. Or foods I believed I couldn’t be trusted around. Foods that would just turn me into some ravenous, mindless beast.

I told myself (and anyone who would listen) that I didn’t “like” processed foods. 

The gluten made me tired.

The sugar! Omg! Don’t get me started on the evils of sugar and how addictive it is, right?!

The fake powdered cheese with the dyes were an abomination to my elite taste buds and my pristine digestive system. 

The thought of eating anything simply out of convenience or from a box was repulsive and disgusting to my health conscious self.

I built up this morality story around food.

A lot of my protective and performative layers of self were around, “how can I be better than other people?”

When I was in 4th grade I moved to a new school. We moved in the summer and I remember being really scared to start a new year at a new school with new people in a new place.

I have always loved clothes and expression through getting dressed and so my parents took me shopping for new clothes before school started. I got these two new outfits I thought were the coolest clothes I’ve ever had.

I proceeded to wear each outfit one day and the other the next day and then just kept wearing them on alternating days for weeks. It never occurred to me that someone would notice the repetition.

One day, I was in the library, alone as I hadn’t made any friends yet, and one of the cool girls came up to me and asked me if “I was poor or something” and that’s why I always wore the same clothes.

I was mortified. I don’t remember what happened after that, but I remember the feeling of complete and total humiliation.

I was wide open, so vulnerable, and BOOM I was hit with judgement.

At that moment, I made a pact with myself that from then on I would always be the coolest kid in any room. I’d always be better than everyone else.

If I’m better than them, then I know I’ll be safe, was the real thought process. If I’m the coolest then no one will be able to hurt me like that ever again.

And so everything in my life, including eventually what I ate, became a way to be better than other people.

To keep myself separate and holier than thou.

I told myself I only ate organic food because of my love of the earth and wanting to support local food systems.

I told myself I had so many “off limits” foods because of how deeply I respected and loved my body.

I told myself I couldn’t eat processed foods because I “knew” better than that.

I told myself that processed foods are addictive and my body cannot be trusted around them. If I ate a box of mac and cheese, who knows how and when I would stop?! 

And you know what? There is truth in all of those things.

But the deeper reason, the real reason I made certain food off limits was because I made food represent morality.

As I’ve peeled back the layers of my protective and performance based identities and started to feel what is underneath them, so much of the morality I based my eating upon has just fallen away.

I do truly value choosing food that comes from local farmers and ranchers and my own homestead. 

There is something energetically fulfilling about knowing my meat was treated humanely and had a good, healthy life and that my veggies and fruit were grown in a way that took the soil into consideration.

I do love and respect my body and really trust the ways it reacts to food and listen deeply to its communications with me.

I put a lot of time, energy and resources towards getting to know my body and its processes and physiology.

There is so much nuance here.

I know that as I’ve pulled the roots of “what I eat makes me better than” and “I cannot be trusted around food” I can happily eat mac and cheese from a box when the house is sparse on food and I’m craving some dense comfort food and I trust myself fully with it.

I can happily eat something from a gas station if I’m hungry and I need to eat and that’s all there is.

I can get some skittles or jelly beans because I feel like it and eat half the package, throw the rest away, and move on with my life.

I know that food itself is actually quite neutral. There is no morality to a hot dog or a peach or a milky way. They just are.

If I eat a peach and you eat a milky way, I’m not a better person than you.

Food isn’t just food, either. It is one of our main connections to living and life.

We don’t just want to “eat for fuel,” as this robs us of our sensual connection to our own sustenance and interaction with life.

Reverence for all food is my new pose. And it breeds reverence for all life.

Now, I don’t treat any food like it’s better than another. I eat what my body wants and listen to the way my body responds. I treat my relationship with food as if its my relationship to life.

I don’t want my life to feel restricted and tight. So I don’t restrict food.

I don’t want my life to feel controlled and rigid. So I don’t control food.

Nourishment is about so much more than food and nutrition. Nourishment comes from the food itself, but it also comes from how and where we eat it and with whom.

Nourishment comes from quality of life and living slow. Nourishment comes from sex and relationships and connection and nature.

Nourishment comes from body work and sleep and self intimacy.

How we nourish ourselves is how we live.

This is what we will be exploring in FED, my new 6 month journey that is like a feast for mind, body and soul. We begin in July. If you feel called to nourish yourself on all the levels, send me a message.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe

I express all the things,

in all the ways I need to express them.

I create my own world.

A world where I am my own savior.

My life is for me and not for anyone else.

My life unplugged from the seduction of comparison

and the lie of not-enoughness

that keeps people sheep.

I live in way that that lets me shine

all the way on

full blast.

If the world isn’t going to serve me what I most deserve,

why don’t I go ahead and give it myself?

The means to create the reality that meets every single one of my needs

and then some.

Now.

I need nothing else but a willingness to put my mind in the passenger seat

and let my holy Soul lead.

What if my very aliveness was the source of my joy?

And the only word there ever was is: yes?

What if home wasn’t a place

but a feeling I carried in my body and my soul?

What if my greediness and insatiable hunger was perfect

and could sit right next to the perfection of it all?

What if the party was the medicine?

Like full out

dance your face off

let yourself

out

all

the

way.

Nothing is wrong with me.

There has never been anything wrong with me.

It’s all a perfectly orchestrated game guiding me through

all the levels

all the skills

all the strengths

that I need to bring my magic through

into the world of the senses,

into the expanded experience of content

brought in to form

I allow my body to be the most incredible learning and communication device.

To see that I am the game

I am the player

I am the video game creator.

I am it all.

My body is ready to level up.

My heart is ready to unlock itself from its self-imposed chains

and be its big

mushy

all-encompassing

loving

self.

To share the bigness of my own soft and loving heart.

I can feel the hugeness of me.

This is it.

New baseline.

New level.

New timeline.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe

Today I bought a bunch of new clothes because barely any of my clothes fit.

I remember buying a whole wardrobe of new clothes when Alma was born and realizing I didn’t fit into the “normal” sizes anymore. I wore a size 16 pants and XXL top then.

I’ve actually had 2 more big clothing overhauls since then.

Now I am officially a size 20 in bottoms and 2X in tops.

I don’t have a scale so I haven’t weighed myself but I bet I weigh close to 250 lbs. 

There is some fear lingering if I’m being honest. I fear that my body is broken. That it will just keep putting on weight forever and ever. That this commitment to trusting my body and her hunger and process will leave me fat, immobile, unloved and alone.

But the fear isn’t True. 

The fearful one is there. I give this fearful self a lot of space and gentle love and attention when she shows up. But, I treat her as if she is a scared child who just needs to know she is seen and safe. Fear is not as the driver of my life. 

Truth is the driver in my life.

It is True to show my body that She is safe with me. That I am not going to deny her, contort her, force her into anything. 

What is True is continuing to deepen and broaden my understanding of my physical body and nervous system. 

What is True is to feed myself well and often. 

What is True is to let myself play with pleasure. 

To be a fat woman is the ultimate sin in our culture. 

The idea of gaining weight and doing it peacefully and with joy and trust makes most people shake their heads in bewilderment at best and lash out with vengeful disgust at worst, and all sorts of reactions in between. 

I know all those reactions. I understand them. I’ve had them all myself towards myself. 

And, slowly but surely, I’ve alchemized them one by one. 

I’ve put them each on the altar of Truth, and none have withstood the test. 

Being a fat woman right now isn’t exactly what my ego wants. My ego would love to fall in line with the mainstream narrative that being fat is bad and try to get skinny and hot again, because that is what is “safe.”

But the Truth is the only really safe place to live.

My Soul and Body know that I am in a process of permission and alchemy. This is a spot where I can face my worst fears and understand how worth and pleasure and living have absolutely nothing to do with the way my body looks on the outside and everything to do with how my body feels and what my relationship with my body is. 

To be able to hear the whispers of my blood and flesh. 

To be so attuned to my inner landscape that not one message from it gets overlooked or bypassed.

To not look outside myself for answers, but to know that everything I am seeking is within me.

These are the gifts of being a well fed woman woman. 

Because when a single woman nourishes all of herself, mind body and soul, she becomes free. Free from fear of judgment. Free from the need to be pleasing to others. Free to stand in her power and size. Free to take up the space that is true. The world comes a little closer to returning to homeostasis. 

Becoming a well fed woman doesn’t have to involve getting fat.

Not at all.

But for me it’s a True part of undoing of my identity as a “healthy” “active” person. It’s part of unraveling all the threads of performance I wove around my true self. It’s part of the process of allowing my body to do what she needs to do to feel safe.

If you find this piece of writing pulls you in, activates something in you (even if it’s fear or disgust!) and it feels like something in your bones wants this, then message me and we’ll set up an application call for FED.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe

When I was pregnant with Maya I would get so incredibly exhausted by the middle of the day.

Taking care of a baby while you’re gestating another baby is some of the most physically exhausting work I’ve ever done.

And so, I would always try to sleep with Alma during her nap.

Even with the exhaustion, these are some of my most precious memories of my pregnancy with Maya.

Spooning myself around Alma while Maya floated in the darkness of my womb. Feeling both of them so close to me. The closest to me they’ll both ever be.

I would imagine that our three hearts were connected with an iridescent thread.

Pulsing with life of our own, but connected. Separate beings, but with our interwoven destinies.

Now Maya is on the outside of me and the thought that in just 2 months she’ll be a year old makes my head spin wondering where the time has gone.

Earlier this week I was putting Alma down for her nap while holding Maya and I remembered those sweet moments of the three of us laying in bed, hearts connected and I started the visualization of our heart cords connecting again.

Imagining our heart centers connected and resonating together.

Feeling how we three came from the same blood, the same building blocks and how my energy is what feeds them.

As they get older and gain more independence this inherent connection to me will wane on one level, but right now, as little they are, I am still what feeds them.

My heart. My womb. My being.

On a very physical level for Maya with my breastmilk being the main source of her calories.

And on an energetic level for both of them.

If my heart is closed, dull and held back then they will consume that energy. If my heart is open, juicy and full of love, then they will consume that energy.

I still have the ache when I leave them for any amount of time. Even a few hours.

I’m not sure if this ache really ever goes away, I think you just get more used it and learn to live with the fact that pieces of your heart will forever live outside of your body.

If I don’t acknowledge the ache for what it is it will spin and turn into morbid stories about their certain demise due to my lack of presence.

This ache, gone unacknowledged, will swirl and morph into the dreaded ‘mom guilt.’

But really it’s just the vast chasm of a mother’s love.

The vacuum of unconditional love.

Unconditional love holds all possible outcomes.

A mother’s love holds all possible outcomes for our children.

It is the most heart rending experience of all time and also the most heart expansive.

It is all there is.

And so, lately, when I am away from my girls I have been visualizing our heart cords connected through time and space, pulsating with the love I feel for them and trusting that they can feel it.

I have been leaning into the gnawing ache and letting it break me and soothe me at the same time.

“It is the wound where the light enters us,” Rumi said.

It is in the cracks and tears where we get to know and feel God.

There is nothing more like God than a mother’s love, I am sure of that.

There are 3 ways to work with me right now:

* 1:1 Journey | 6 months | 1:1 work with me, to go deep into your most resourced self and live from that place. This is the deepest option.

* FED | 6 months | starting in July | a group container that will be a feast for the mind, body and soul. We will be exploring feeding and nourishing ourselves on all levels. This is a great medium depth option.

* Embracing Your Selves Session | 1 hour | $111 | Work with me for one hour through the modality of voice dialogue and touch your Woman. This is meant for people who don’t want to go deep but would like a taste of my work.

For more information on any of these offerings or to sign up/book, just send me a message on any of the channels. I’m open and available.

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A practice of mine right now is no force.

Radical forcelessness, you could call it.

I do not force myself to do anything.

The energy of force gets zero space in my life.

If I feel the energy of force in my system, I stop, fully and completely.

Sometimes I just simply wait, doing nothing, until the energy of force dissipates.

Sometimes I ask myself what I need to feel spacious and open again, and give myself that.

Sometimes I move my body, take some deep breaths, listen to music or do a body scan.

Because of this practice I have changed my entire day’s schedule last minute. I have canceled plans. I’ve had some really confronting conversations with people I love. I have put my needs before the needs of my family.

There is a lot of subtlety in this practice.

When I say I do not use force most people think it means that I don’t do anything I don’t want to do.

I actually do plenty of things on a daily and even hourly basis, that I would prefer not to do. I am a mother of two small babies after all. I don’t particularly love changing poopy diapers or cleaning up the relentless post meal carnage.

I invite you to feel how the energy of force feels in your body.

For me it feels hard, effortful, clenched, contracted, tense, and tight. It feels like I’m trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans that don’t fit anymore.

When I say my practice is zero force, I mean when I feel that sensation in my body I stop and come back to openness, spaciousness, juiciness, however I can.

I think most people don’t know how to “get anything done” without force.

I know it’s the way I was taught and modeled to go about life.

Force. Force. Force.

Forcing everything, because, my body could not be trusted. The world could not be trusted. I could not be trusted. I needed to keep my s**t together, accounted for, and constantly forced into the appropriate level of productivity and activity.

We tell ourselves that nothing would get done if we didn’t force ourselves to do it.

We tell ourselves that if we just push through the initial exhaustion during a workout or at the beginning of an activity we’ll feel better after. And maybe we do.

Yet, the inconvenient truth is every time we use force to do something we are wracking up an energetic debt.

When we have to push through our body’s clear exhaustion signals to do something, this means we are using stress hormones instead of real, flowing energy. Using stress hormones to create energy requires us to break down our own body to fuel that activity.

And the body will need to be rebuilt at some point.

It will catch up with us in form of exhaustion, illness, injury, always present feelings of unease or emotional breakdown.

These dis-eases that come into our lives don’t just fall on us from out of the sky, they come from years and years of not listening to the whispers of our bodies. They come from going against the Truth over and over again.

I used nothing but force to get things done for most of my life, so my journey into spaciousness and calm, grounded healing requires some radical un-force.

I feel so much beauty in this practice of radical forcelessness for myself.

It feels like life and I are on the same team.

When the energy of force is not given weight in my life it means I have spaciousness.

It means that all outcomes are on the table.

It means that I am not responsible for making it all happen.

One of my most cherished spiritual texts The Way of Mastery has an axiom, “I need to do nothing.”

Like, I don’t need to do anything. I don’t have to wake up. I don’t have to go to work. I don’t have to own a home. I don’t have to eat. I don’t have to drink. I don’t have to take care of my children. Technically, I don’t have to do any of it.

But I choose to do some of it. And I choose to do it on my terms and in a way that feeds me. In a way that makes me feel full and juicy and ripe with life.

My days and nights are oriented towards my well-being, not towards some external ideal of what my days and nights “should” look like or some arbitrary checklist.

That’s what I mean when I say I don’t use force. Sure, I do a lot of things I’d prefer not to do. But I do them with openness and knowing that I am choosing to do them.

I cannot truly be fully fed if I am forcing because it makes me smaller than I am. To be fed I must take up my right size.

I must let myself expand into a woman who feeds herself on all levels.

Radical Forcelessness is something we will be working with in FED.

FED is my new 6 month group container starting in July. It is like a feast for the mind, body and soul.

If you feel the pull of it in your bones and body (not in your mind) I would love to speak with you about it.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe