ReMothering with Clara Belize Wisner

I have been circling around and around a part of me that has been buried in my body for a long time.

This part is the source of my constant need to do more and be better and improve, improve, improve.

The avoidance of this part is the source of my relentlessness. Because if I were to slow down I might actually have to touch it.

The avoidance of this part is what makes me compulsively clean and organize.

This part is there, asking to be fed, asking to be given space and because she has been so neglected it is painful to look at her.

And so for so long she has remained this little itch at the back of my brain that I’m always trying to scratch without actually going there and asking what she actually needs.

I’ve been moving away from this part by thinking that I could ‘fix’ her, push her down, make her go away through keeping a constant pressure on my life.

Don’t relax! Don’t lie down! Don’t sit still! Keep it moving!

Making sure that there is always a little compression.

I can feel how the avoidance of this part has been so ingrained that it has solidified into the root of so many identities I carry. So many egoic ideas about “who I am.”

I am clean. I am organized. I am disciplined. I am willful. I love planning. I’m take charge. I’ve got my s**t together. I am strong. I look good. The list goes on.

All of this an elaborate facade to avoid feeling the thing underneath it all.

The thing that is tired and starving.

As I’ve peeled back all these layers of identity over the last few years and softened so many hardened layers of protection, I have finally gotten to a place where I can actually feel this spot that I have created an entire persona around avoiding.

And this part is brittle, dry and parched. She has been deeply, deeply neglected. She has been starved of attention, love, water, food, rest.

She was, quite honestly, barely alive.

She was holding on for dear life. Using every last iota of her energy towards vigilance.

She had been all alone with no one to protect her. She had to become scrappy and grabby. She was getting more and more desperate.

This tired and shriveled part of me is what so many of my patterns have been trying to bypass.

It’s as if I had a crying and starving baby but instead of feeding the baby I just kept putting blankets on her trying to get her to be quiet.

And as I continued to pile on the blankets and try to stop the noise; without actually addressing the needs underneath the noise, I abandoned this part of me.

There is so much grief that comes up with this realization.

There is so much responsibility.

And yet, to beat myself up for how much I’ve failed her is just another way of avoiding making the changes that are required so that this part is cared for and fed.

My teacher, Perri Chase, said once, “You are worthy because it’s being asked of you.” It doesn’t need to be any more complicated than that.

I am worthy of feeding this part simply because this is my path and it is true to do so.

It is just neutral, true to feed this part now that I see her and feel her.

I have been going so slowly here.

This part was so dehydrated that I’ve had to sprinkle sustenance on her steadily and consistently. Big pours do not work as all the nourishment just slides right off.

It’s a daily, hourly, and moment-by-moment practice of checking in with her and asking her what she needs here. Giving her gentle and consistent attention. Reviving her.

It has been a methodical process of building new habits and consistently checking in with her to see if they are generative or degenerative.

Here are some of the things I am doing:

* Feeding myself protein, carbs and fat every couple hours and within 30 min of waking up and 30 min of going to bed.

* Having a consistent bedtime and morning routine

* Allowing myself lots of breaks throughout the day

* Getting lots of time outside each day

* Always having time in my day set aside for a nap or just letting myself lay in bed in a dark room.

* Not doing any sort of exercise unless my body is a full yes to it.

* Going to acupuncture and the chiropractor weekly.

* Saying no to most social activities

* really there is so much more..

The most important aspect of all of this I’ve found is the letting this starved part be the one that participates in these “self care” practices. After all, she is the one they are for.

In the past, I have done a lot of self care, but it was done with a fixing energy. Like I was trying to “fix” the starving part, not actually be in relationship with her.

For me, it is really easy to check all the things off the list and make sure they all get “done,” but that is exactly what sucks my life force.

The key for me here is zero pressure; only juiciness, only plumpness.

Being a well-fed woman is my only practice these days.

Allowing myself to fully have what I already have. Allowing myself to be filled up by it all. Being in full approval of the whole process of feeding and what it requires of all parts of me.

It feels true here to softly introduce FED.

This is my new group container, I’m not sure on a lot of details yet, but I wanted to share it with you on this email list first.

FED is going to be like a feast for mind, body and soul.

I honestly can’t wait.

If you already know this is for you, let me know by replying or commenting.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe

I love Thanksgiving. It’s my favorite holiday.

On a human level, I love cooking and eating good food.

On a spiritual level; I think true gratitude is one of the most powerful things we can practice.

I used to practice what I would now call “pop-gratitude.”

I would write in a journal all the things I was grateful for. I would guilt and shame myself into feeling grateful.

There’s a way that this had an outward and almost forced energetic to it. It was still helpful, but it isn’t the same as the gratitude I experience now.

This forced gratitude is like “I should be grateful.” It’s about comparison in some way. “I’m so lucky [compared to those people.]” It requires us to have more than someone else.

However, as I’ve learned to truly be in reception to Life, I can’t help but be truly grateful. Because true gratitude requires a softening and a full reception.

It requires openness.

If you are not open; you cannot fully receive. You can pretend to receive, but if you’re not open you’ll never actually feel the full brevity of what is being offered to you.

My teacher uses the example of a closed fist. Close your fist and hold it out in front of you.

Now imagine someone is handing you something you want. Can you receive it? Can you hold it? Can you take it? No, because your fist in closed.

Now open your hand. With an open hand you can be given something.

So as I’ve become more energetically open; I have received so much more and been able to hold so much more of what I want.

And as this happens, I have experienced deeper and deeper gratitude.

Gratitude that has nothing to do with the actual things I am getting or holding, but gratitude that is a result of being open.

Gratitude that brings real deep appreciation of everything that fulfills and sustains me.

And, in turn, I have been able to give even more. True gratitude increases my ability to give AND receive. Because they are two sides of the same coin. They both require us to be energetically open.

I felt called to record a meditation for you. So if you feel called, take 10 minutes in what is probably a full and stimulating day, to open yourself up in gratitude and reception. (The audio isn’t great.. sorry.. I did what I could in the time I had. It’s nice to just listen to the music.)

I am so grateful for every single one of you that takes the time and energy investment to read these writings and be with through this process of Living.

Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe

I’ve been writing a lot the last few days, but none of it feels as though it wants to be shared.

As I was sitting with if I wanted to send something out today I felt it was true to invite you to join me for my daily meditation.

I hope it brings you a new perspective or to a new vantage point.

Only Love,

Clara

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe